if only...

i've been feeling a little disenchanted lately with a lot of things in my life, but mainly with my job and the quality of my free time.  without making this a post about the frustrations of work (because, don't worry, that post will come soon), suffice it to say that i wake up in the mornings dreading going, and i come home relieved to be back.  sunday nights are the worst nights of the week, and fridays can never get here soon enough.  i think i feel like i'm once again spending my time doing something i don't want to do, and as hard as i try, i just can't find a reasonable solution (the obvious one, to me, is not reasonable either in this economy, or in my current situation).  so i feel a little stuck.

because the work week has been so hard to plow through lately, i've been trying to fill my free time with fun activities that won't break my budget and is something N. and i can do together.  let's have a party at our place on saturday, lets redecorate our bathroom, we should go thrift store hunting, lets spend a night vegging out and have a movie marathon, lets take finn on a hike, my list literally goes on for days.  unfortunately, the excitement of these activities is short-lived, and i always end the weekend feeling more exhausted than when it began.  coupled with that is the fact that N. and i haven't spent time together - quality, relaxing, just the two of us, time - in a while, and our schedules on most day don't exactly mesh.  so i feel a little stuck, again.

with all of this, and just with the general feeling of being in a lull that i can't break out of, i've been wanting to plan a nice weekend getaway for the two of us.  now, i love the city.  i do, really.  but i desperately, desperately need to get out of it.  nothing about the city rejuvenates me.  in fact, for the most part, being in cities tends to stress me out more.  i always feel like i need or want to be on the go all the time, and i'm constantly overstimulated.  no, cities don't relax me.  i want views and open spaces, green earth, blue sky, quiet instead of traffic, mountains, ocean, fresh air, and time to just turn my mind off.  but, even with all of northern california's beauty, i can't figure out where to find this.  the reason for this is largely cost and time prohibitions.

i want to get far enough away, but i don't want to have to take a flight.

i don't want to camp, but i want the accommodations to be affordable.

i don't want to go somewhere i've already been, but i've been to most places within driving distance of home.

i realize i'm being a little ridiculous and more than a little picky, but it's at times like these when i find myself playing the "if only" game.  if only i had more money, we could do more things.  if only i were still in school, i'd have large enough breaks where i could plan longer trips more frequently.  (yes, i realize the first and second "if only's" seem sort of mutually exclusive)  if only we still lived in seattle, i could think of places to take a weekend getaway.  if only, if only, if only.

it's enough to drive yourself crazy.

what do you do when you get mentally stuck in these situations?  do you take trips, spend some time alone?  how do you get yourself out of the "same old, rut"?  any suggestions for a quick weekend trip around the bay area?

an exercise in honesty

i've never not had a plan for my life. as much as i like to think so, i'm really not that spontaneous or wild. so now, here i am freshly graduated from law school and completely plan-less. i do not want to be a lawyer, i frequently wonder if i've wasted the last 3 years of my life, i have no idea what i want to do next, and because i don't know, i can't even start planning on reaching those phantom goals.

suffice it to say -- I AM FREAKING OUT.

and if i'm completely honest with myself -- as i so rarely am -- there's something else going on too. now, i rarely get into any serious discussion about my relationship with N. on this blog both because i'm half afraid he'll find it and read it, and because it's just very...personal. but i've already talked to him about this issue so i don't feel quite as nauseated at the thought of him reading this, and this also directly impacts any future plans i may be cooking up. if it seems a little voyeuristic for you to be reading about the inner workings of my 4.5-year long relationship, please feel free to stop. but most of you readers are close friends anyway, so here goes:

over the last 3 years, my friend M. and i have had numerous discussions about the fact that we both moved to new cities we knew very little about because the men in our lives were there. we both changed our lives to suit these men, and we have both been hyper-dependent on these men ever since. as much as i hate to admit it, and as much as i try and tell myself that i really moved to CA for school, the fact is that school was an excuse to move closer to N. i was miserable without him. it was like the city i once loved had been stripped of everything i had loved about it. i felt lonely, like he had just gone and left this huge gaping hole in my day-to-day that i had once filled with him. so when the chance came to make some changes in my life, the first change i made was to move.

prior to this, i had always been the type of person who swore she would never make any big decisions based on a guy. i was strong. i was independent. i was also terribly naive. but my parents had always taught their daughters to put themselves first, to accomplish all they wanted to do with their lives before settling down, to not end up in a relationship that kept you from doing, from living.

to be fair, N. never asked me to move to be with him. he never put me in that position. just like he unilaterally decided to move from where i was to CA, he left the decision of where i would go to law school up to me. i think that's one of the things i respect most about him: he knew what was right for his life and he did it, regardless. and he wanted me to do the same. that was the type of person i used to be.

and i'm not saying that moving to be with him wasn't right for my life. because i think it was. law school may not have been, but N. remains one of the best parts of my life, and of me. quite honestly, he will probably be the man i marry one day. so all in all, moving down to be with him may have been one of the best, and most influential, things i ever done.

but the fact remains that, in a way, i did it more for him, and less for me. well, that's not really fair; i guess i did it more the me that was part of a couple, and less because it would have been best for the me that was an individual. so that huge decision will always be...tainted. i actually remember having a conversation with a friend prior to leaving WA in which i couldn't stop questioning if moving down to be with him made me really strong because i could do it, or really weak because i had to do it? i've never come around to believing that it made me strong. and there's just no getting around the fact that i've been conforming my life, my dreams, my goals, to his ever since i made that decision. he came back to CA and has been doing everything he ever planned to do. i came down to CA and have been fitting my life around that plan of his, throwing out whatever i may have wanted that won't work, and replacing it with what will work for us.

i started doing this because, to my thinking, our relationship, our future, was my new goal. and it still is. but now that i'm older and more...secure...in that relationship, i think both N. and i have realized that who we are and what we want as individuals won't just disappear in the face of who we are and what we want as a couple, no matter how much we may hope it does. so those dreams i once had? those goals? they're still there.

one of those goals has always been to live abroad more, to see the world. i studied abroad, both in northern ireland and in new zealand (where N. and i met), when i was in college, and i've always wanted to do so again. when i made the decision to go to law school and move down here to be with N., i just assumed that that goal was just a childish, i-don't-want-to-grow-up goal that i would get over. but it wasn't, and i haven't. instead, i've talked about it non-stop for the past 3 years, and i've periodically thrown out the idea of us just picking up and going, to the point where N. has asked me numerous times why i just don't do it. my answer? i don't want to leave him. and that answer has worked thus far because i've had a life plan to go along with: Plan A.

but as we all know, Plan A didn't work out. so here i am, on the cusp of a new chapter in my life, an unwritten, un-outlined chapter, and i'm faced with another big decision. what do i do? where do i go?

N. worries that if i don't take advantage of this time in my life, where we don't have a mortgage or children who need to be in school, then i'll wake up one day when we're 40 and regret our life together. or resent him for holding me back (his words, not mine).

i worry that if i don't take advantage of this time in my life, i'll be passing up my chance for one of my last adventures. i know it sounds crazy, and friends have been telling me that we're so young, this isn't my last adventure, and i know that's true (marriage is an adventure, kids are an adventure, growing up in and of itself is an adventure), so let me clarify by saying that i mean it very narrowly: adventure in the sense of picking up and traveling whenever and however you may like. because realistically, you just can't do that when you have a family and children and all those things i want someday. we have a narrow window of time in which to be young and selfish, you know? why not take advantage of it?

i'm also worried that if i don't grasp this chance to take back a certain amount of the individuality i feel i lost when i began conforming my life to N.'s, i really will begin resenting myself (and him) one day. and i don't think i could stand that.

which is where yesterday's post comes from.

i've been considering going back to school for a while, i guess, so this isn't really out of the blue. i just haven't talked about it very much to very many people because it's been nerve-racking coming to the realization that i've failed so utterly at Plan A. and the fact is that i don't have the faintest idea as to what i want to do with my life right now. so while i'm considering a Master's or a PhD, i don't even know if i want to teach, or that i'd even feel qualified to teach after getting a PhD. so i worry that i'd just be buying time, postponing the inevitable that is having to figure out what it is i want. but really, what's wrong with that? if i'm not getting a job anyway, or if i'm only getting jobs i hate, why not spend three years doing what i love to do (i.e. research, writing, possibly abroad), while i figure it out?

because there's also a certain level of fear that comes with it. i'm afraid of starting something new and not having that work out either. i'm afraid that, after getting my PhD, i'll be in no better position that i'm in now. i'm afraid of being more in debt. i'm afraid of moving to a place where i know only a handful of people (i.e. New Zealand), and starting a whole new life. and i'm afraid, again, of being without N. who has been my security blanket for so many years.

i obviously have more to think about than i care to. i guess possible big changes will do that.

i will, however, say that i am excited as well. scared, but excited.

a girl can dream

i've found myself thinking of dream jobs lately, mostly because i've just graduated and am on the verge of having to find a job myself. barbri (which is a course you take in preparation for the bar exam) started just last week and i'm already wondering exactly what i was thinking when i signed on. why am i taking the california bar? no, let me rephrase: why am i taking the most difficult bar exam in the country when i'm not even sure if i want to be a lawyer?

because i'm scared i don't have any other options?

because i'm too stubborn to stray from the path i've already laid out for myself?

because i don't know what else i'd do?

how about a strange, mish-mash of all of the above.

i'm terrified that i don't have the skills to do any other job. this is lunacy, i realize that. i'm a lawyer for crying out loud. i've completed one of the most rigorous studies out there, and have work experience in both the public interest and private sector. my research and writing skills are pretty decent, and i can get great recommendations if and when i need them. all of this i know, but still i worry. am i too specialized? prior to law school, i was an administrative assistant for five years. other than being a lawyer and a receptionist, what can i do?

i also recognize that i may just be too stubborn to admit defeat. i mean, i decided to become a lawyer. i've made it through - maybe not so gracefully, but successfully at the least - the three years of hazing i often feel like law school is, have worked really hard and learned a lot, have incurred an obscene amount of debt, and am forcing myself through to the bar. my family has supported me, my friends have put up with me, and N. hasn't yet decided to drop me for greener pastures. so after all of that, there's a part of me that just wants to scream, "suck it UP already!" i'm almost at the finish line, you know? it's the deep breath, and i'm taking it. so why back down now? and yes, if i'm perfectly honest, there is a part of me that just doesn't want to disappoint my family, my colleagues, those who have put their time and energy into training me, and myself.

and finally there's the question of what else i'd even do were i not to become a lawyer. i can't think of a single rational, responsible thing to do with myself. i mean, yes, okay, i do have a dream job that you all probably already know about. in my ideal world, i'd be a writer. i'd spend my days working from my home office (which i now have! - will post about later), or on my mac laptop (which i will one day have again) in some cafe researching and writing. i'd be published, i'd be able to pay the bills, and i'd love every second of it. eventually, i'd use the money i earned to open a bookstore/cafe. i even have a name picked out, so much like an expectant mother, but i'll refrain myself from gushing. it just isn't reality, you know? how many people out there want to be published writers? millions. how many actually are? not millions.

i am a not million. i am a not million at my dream job.

but it won't always be that way.

so what about you? what's your dream job? are you doing it now? if yes, how's it going? is it everything you hoped it would be? if you're not working at your dream job right now, are you working towards it? or have you, like myself and so many others, almost resigned yourself to the fact that maybe the dream job was always supposed to be just that - a dream?

one way streets

i'm feeling sad again tonight for no good reason. i mean, i could think of a thousand reasons, but none of them are good enough. i think i'm just scraping the bottom of the barrel energy- and emotion-wise. i can feel myself on this one way street to burnout and i just can't make myself get off.

and in the midst of this, there's this irritating question lingering in the back of my mind that just refuses to go away: after i graduate from law school, if i choose not to take the bar and not to become a lawyer, what will i do?

it's terrifying, to say the least.

i'm one of those people that needs direction in life. i've built my future in my head already and it's all contingent on this next step. on graduating and getting a job. on being a lawyer. and lately i've been wondering if i even want that future anymore.

do you have any idea what it does to your head to question this much of who you are?

what do you do when your plan doesn't seem as good as it once did? do you cut and run? find another plan? find another future? realize that you're still young, you haven't signed a contract in blood, you can change?

or do you stick it out? say, "suck it up, you're getting everything you want!"? do you power through until [hopefully] the feeling of discontent and utter...sadness...passes?

i guess i thought i was done with the drastic changes. so stupid to think so, right? but i thought that i had it figured out (and those of you who really know me are rolling their eyes right now). i mean, i honest to goodness thought that i would want to do what i'm setting out to do, and i'd want to do it for the foreseeable future. and i'm one of those people who almost stubbornly clings to my decisions. which is why i'm where i am right now, i guess.

and it's not just the career part of my life. it's others. but i think those are still a little too scary of prospects for me to face. i'll have to soon. i know i will. but i don't think i can just this minute. call me a chicken, i don't care.

i don't know. i don't think i'm making sense. i'm going to stop, try to gather my thoughts, get some work done, and hopefully write a little later this week with a clearer picture for you all.



in other news, my happy music playlist is growing!

you have my attention

it's been a really, really bad week.

bad month.
bad semester.
bad year.

i find myself in this place right now where my life, and i know i've said this before, but my life is a mess. and i don't know that it really is, but i feel like it is. i feel like nothing's where i want it or need it to be. i'm not going in the directions i want or need to be going. i feel like i made some bad choice somewhere along the way and have lost sight of who i am and what i want to do.

and i know a lot of this is grief. my grandfather is in the hospital again. this would be in addition to the time i wrote about it my previous post. this makes it three times in the last month. his body is just...shutting down. his heart rate is slower. that's what really scares me. a slower heart beat. slow it down enough...

so i know that so much of what i'm feeling right now and what i'm going through is grief and anger and helplessness and homesickness and fear. and i know it's only going to get worse. over the next couple of months, my life is going to be a wreck. i'm going to be a wreck.

and i'll throw myself into my bad habits again because they make me feel like i can NOT care and be fine. i found myself thinking about that yesterday. about how i was wishing i had really bad habits, or that i could restart old bad habits. i want my tattoo this weekend. i wish i was a smoker. i wish i drank excessively. i wish i stayed out late and did stupid things. i wish i could blow off school and sleep in till noon. and a few other bad habits that are just a bit too graphic and personal for me to discuss even here.

but i won't do those things. well, not all of those things.

i just wish i could. because my life feels like one big spiral right now, and it's getting away from me. i want to take some of that control back and i don't know how, nor do i know if i would be brave enough to do it even if i knew how.

what were my bad choices? where did i go wrong? where did i lose sight of myself? is this the lesson i'm supposed to be learning?

i worry that what's happening to my grandfather, and the way it's making my life seem so...not my own...is taking its toll on all other aspects of my life.

or if it's just forcing me to acknowledge what was already there. that's a scarier thought though.


sorry, this was so convoluted.
at least it'll give you a good look at where my head's at right now.

and because it's been on repeat lately and i am in complete awe:

Copeland - You Have My Attention

Quiet now.
Your voice seems miles away
but somehow I hear your song resound
A little bit softer each day
And from my tired heart, a little bit farther away.

I’ll sing along
The whole day through.
Just do your best to hear me.
It’s all you can do.

You have my attention
Like you’ve had all the while,
Since that first day when you made my heart smile,
With loving eyes and tired sighs that follow.
You have my attention
Like a shout through an empty sanctuary.
Speak but a whisper;
I’ll hear a sermon

I’ll sing along
the whole day through.
Just do your best to hear me.
It’s all you can do.

I’ll sing along
the whole night through.
While you sleep safely,
I’ll be thinking about you.

You have my attention.

dark hour

**DISCLAIMER: i get like this every once in a while. it passes. like right now for example? i'm feeling pretty okay... so don't let this convince you that i'm dropping out of school. i am NOT dropping out of school, people!**

i actually think i touched on rock bottom yesterday.

mentally, at least.

i mean, on the way home from my night class, and from being "on" the entire day long dealing with these massive bouts of anxiety, i actually felt every ounce of adrenaline leaving my body. i was on BART and realized that i just had nothing left.

nothing.

and i got home and my brain just...quit. i didn't want to do anything anymore. i didn't want to study. i didn't want to take a shower. i didn't want to be a law student. i didn't want to change out of my school clothes and into home clothes. i didn't want to eat dinner. i didn't want to think about what i wanted to drink. i didn't want to work up the energy to care about the next day. i definitely didn't want to be a law student anymore. i didn't even want to be lawyer. i didn't want to take the bar. i didn't want to be in the bay area. i didn't want to be anywhere else. i didn't want to go to work or write memos or think about legal issues.

i mean, and i literally mean, that i just...stopped working.

and then i got up this morning and the feeling was still there. so i vaguely remember changing into my friday uniform of jeans i wore at some point that week, a tank, my uw hoodie from freshman year, no make-up, and my hair (unbrushed) in a pony tail. the only thing i could think to do was put on earrings, and that's just because they were already out on my dresser and i didn't have to actually choose them.

so i went to class in a blur, took a 3 HOUR exam in drafting, and went to lunch with M. and L. i felt like i was floating through the day on auto-pilot. you know, like when you're there but you're not really? i mean, i sat there, and i tried to talk, but i felt really...punchy. like everything i said was way more exaggerated than i meant it to be. it all sounded foreign coming out of my mouth, like my brain was slightly in the background just trying to cope with the day to day. like i was scraping the bottom of the barrel for energy to form sentences and get them out, and because i knew that i was trying to overcompensate and it all just came out...forced. and not only was everything i said overloud, but also negative, which usually isn't the case for me (at least i don't think it is). i couldn't get my self over the fact that i hated being here. i didn't want to go through another week or month or , God forbid, another entire semester. i just didn't have it in me to do it.

and i was angry that i was going to do it anyway.

i was thinking about that a lot today as i was listening to muse's "absolution," which is amazing btw.

i was thinking about why i'm here, trying to be a lawyer, and whether or not i still want to do it. or if i ever wanted to do it. it all comes down to your parents, doesn't it? i mean, my parents are amazing. they're great parents. and i can honestly say that if it wasnt' for them, specifically, i wouldn't be here. because i've seen too many childhood friends and neighbors, who were so similarly situated to me, go absolutely no where because they didn't have my parents.

i asked my dad when he visited how he and my mom managed to raise 3 fairly well-adjusted girls. and he said it worked because he and my mom almost had a silent agreement that one of them played the heavy while the other was more nurturing. and while i know that they both probably have some criticisms of each other and they way they parented us as individuals, i wish i could just tell that whatever they did worked. it may not seem that way sometimes, especially when you look at the problems in me and my sisters and you nit-pick at all the flaws, but everyone has flaws. we can't be perfect. but we're not bad. and that's because whatever they did worked.

but what i've noticed is that i whenever i get into moods like the one i'm in now, i tend to blame them. or my dad, i guess i should say, more specifically. i blamed him because, instead of fists in faces, he used the phrases, "i'm so disappointed in you," or, "you know that's unacceptable, right?" i guess he never realized that we probably would have preferred the fists.

but those words shaped us. me, most of all, out of my sisters. i couldn't stand hearing them, couldn't stomach it. and sometimes, even now when he hasn't said that in so many years, i still get shaky when i make myself hear his voice in my head biting out those five little words.

"i'm so disappointed in you."

"you know that's unacceptable, right?"

and it was mostly about grades. there was a time when i was in highschool, and my dad would call, when before even asking me how i was he'd ask how school was. that was the priority. school. me.

but i can't cast blame elsewhere anymore, and i don't really...haven't for a long time. i love my dad, he's one of my absolute favorite people in the world. and i can stand back and realize now that i was/am lucky to have him, and to have had him balanced out by my mother. because i have so much now that i wouldn't have without them. and i'm so lucky. so lucky.

i just bring this up now more as a criticism of myself than of him. because it think he's come to understand, if only a little, what these words did to us. maybe not to me, but i've fought for him to understand what they did to my little sister. and i hope that he's got that.

it was a little too late for me, i'd already come to internalize them. so when i was in college, and my grades were slipping, i'd hear that voice in my head.

"i'm so disappointed in you."

"you know that's unacceptable, right?"

and i'd pick those grades right back up. this mentality transferred over to different parts of my life as well, but i don't really want to get into that now. i'm trying to stay focused here.

anyway, then i got to lawschool. and his voice has become my voice, saying that i'm not going to disappoint anyone, i'm going to be something that they call be proud of. i'm going to be a lawyer. i'm going to go to school and be smart and get a good job.

even if i'm hating every single second of it. now that's work ethic. (N. calls it being the most stubborn person he's ever met).

but if i'm honest, then i'll admit that i'm not really hating every single second of law school. i love working for tribes. i find the work rewarding. but it's the thought of being "on" every single second of every single day for the foreseeable future that just has me feeling so trapped. because i have to stick this out. i've started. i'll finish. i have to stick it out.

i'm just not sure i want to. at least not right at this second, which is all i can really speak for since my moods have just been chaotic lately.

i tell myself that i need a vacation. it's true, but truth means so very little. my friends tell me i need sleep. can't i sleep when i'm dead? i tell myself that i won't take the bar, i'll take a year off instead and trying to just live normally and see if that works for me. but then i hear the voice and i chicken out.

i need to do something with my life.

i guess i just don't know what yet. and that's probably what terrifies me the most sometimes.

ulgh. what can i say, it's been a really bad couple of weeks.

i was thinking that most of my blogs just seem so...depressing. isn't that an indication of my life? or is it just that when life is good i'm out living it instead of blogging it? who knows.

this got way longer than i intended it to.

there's beauty in the breakdown

i guess it's no secret that things haven't exactly been the easiest for me these passed couple of...well...years. and i shouldn't be complaining. i, of all people, should be the last person on earth to ever complain about my situation. i mean, i know what i have is amazing. i know that. i know that it's not everyday that a girl from a rural village in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the pacific, winds up with a full scholarship to not only college, but law school as well. i have an amazing, amazing family that is there for me like no one's ever been there for anyone else. i have a beautiful relationship with someone i love more than anything. anything. and my friends are wonderful. so supportive. so fun.

so i'm not writing this as a complaint. it's not. i don't exactly know what it is at the moment, but i know it's not that. i would never complain about this life i've been given.

not seriously, anyway. :)

i was looking at a picture of myself last night. have you ever done that? found a picture you rarely ever look at and really study yourself? the things you see...wow. the picture i found was from graduation 2 years ago. just 2 years. such a short period. a blink of an eye. a lifetime. it was a candid shot, my favorite kind. i'm sort of looking off camera, and if memory serves, i'm looking at my family. and they're looking back at me. they were so proud of me that day. it almost chokes you up to remember that, you know?

anyhow, i'm standing outside of husky stadium on a beautiful almost-summer seattle day, in full graduation gear (cap, gown, tassels, lei). and i have this smile on my face. i usually hate my smiles, but this one...this is one of those real smiles. i mean, that girl was really, really happy. i had just completed what had turned out to be 4 amazing years of my life. i would say that they were 4 of the most amazing years of my life, but realistically, that's an untrue statement. because looking back on my life just now, i can say that kamehameha (intermediate, highschool) was the most amazing 7 years of my life. but then i could also say that my childhood, living at home, being around my family, my sisters, was the best 11 years of my life. i've honestly had a pretty fantastic life so far. so we'll just say that college was 4 really amazing years.

who i was during college was who i had always wanted to be. i was self-sufficient, even if i was a little selfish. if i wanted something, be it to stay up all night, to go out of a drink, to run off to ireland, new zealand at the drop of a hat. if i wanted it, i went for it. i didn't have to think about anything passed the want, and the getting it. because that was my plan: to take advantage of absolutely everything i found at my fingertips. in this picture of me, this snapshot of a fantastic day, i was everything i had ever wanted to be. and the people that mattered to be were proud of that person.

so i look at this picture as i'm sitting in another exhausting 3 hour lecture on some abstract, though extremely important, law that's more acronyms and statutes than useful. and i'm thinking that this girl in the picture has no idea what she's in for.

i talked to some friends today and we discussed the girl in the picture. i tried to explain to them how i often feel like i'm this dual person. i said that i feel like that girl has disappeared. i look for her and look for her and look, but i just can't seem to find her most days. what's in her place is not a new person, because i've always also been very practical and straight-edge. it's part of how i got here, you know? but that person's never really dominated my life because i think i knew that if she did, i would lose a part of myself that meant too much.

i guess in the simplest of terms, because this has just become a bit too weepy for me, i feel like there's a constant battle between what my head says (i.e. practical woman) and what my heart says (i.e. girl in the picture).

and for the last 2 years, i feel like my heart has all but disappeared.

i think i'm in a bad relationship

i had a great thought while i was taking a shower last night: being in law school is like being in a really bad relationship. i mean, the symptoms are all there - suffocation, alienation, depression, frustration, moodiness, drastic change in personality, etc. when you're in law school, you can't do anything else. you're stuck. you've lost your independence.

for example, i used to travel. i picked up and went when i wanted to. i wanted to see ireland? three months later i was there. i wanted to see new zealand? five months later i was there. but when you're in this bad relationship, all you can see in five months is the same old, same old.

you just...lose your drive for more because you're so caught up in making this relationship work through to tomorrow.

and this horrible feeling spills over into the rest of your life until you're brain tells you to be unhappy everywhere, with everyone. and though you know it's all in your head, rationality really doesn't apply anymore. and you recognize that too.

but the problem with all of these bad relationships is that you have his perpetual hope that it'll get better. you know, you just know that if you can see it through, if you can stick it out for a little while longer, things will be okay.

until then? you're kinda screwed.

in other news: fast for Haiti debt relief on thursday!

and i've got an idea for a story. that hasn't happened to me in a few years. i feel like i want to horde it, keep that idea safe, not let anything tarnish or break it. but i'll try to write it down anyway. isn't that what writers do?

the halfway point (of summer, not of life)

i know i haven't been keeping up! i'm sorry! but i've been updating my myspace with pics practically daily! that has to count for something, right?!

and honestly, i've just been really out of it lately. i feel like i've been walking in this heavy...fog, and there's no where to really go because you can't even see the shit that you're about to fall over. it's just been an off sort of week, i guess.

i don't know. i feel...trapped? well, no...stuck, i think is what i'm looking for. and not in my personal life, but more in my professional life. i mean, i'm on this track, right? this "law school" track, this "elite" (whatever the hell that means) track, this friggin' ONE WAY track to some sort of future that is just so damn SET that i feel suffocated half of the time. on one hand, i have these GREAT internships this summer, working on human/indigenous rights and debt relief and things that are going to be sent to the UN, and that's the whole reason i'm in law school, to get to do these things. and on the other hand, when i think up a dream job, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the law. NOTHING.

and i know i've always told myself that the law degree is a means to an end, a way to getting my life into a position where i can actually DO the things i want to do (and if you know me, you also know that this has something to do with a small town near the ocean, and a bookstore owned by yours truly), because let's face it, i don't exactly come from a background where money is just flying out of bulging pockets, do i? but this is just taking so damn LONG. and what if it never happens? what if i never get the job that will bankroll my dreams? what if i end up poor and up to my ears in law school debt, with a job i hate but can't afford to lose, and no time whatsoever to do any of the things i've always wanted to do?

i want to travel.
i want to read.
i want to write.

i want to settle.

and i just want to get out of this horrible mood. i'm exhausted.




eew. N.'s dog just farted in my room.