An Indoor/Outdoor Experience

What I did this weekend:

 Went thrifting.

Went on a hike in the Marin Headlands.

(Photos by: Adam Paul and Pappy V.)

Had a picnic with N. here:

And took a long, lovely nap with Finn.

Now, I'm ready to face the world.  Or, if not the world then at least the week.

if only...

i've been feeling a little disenchanted lately with a lot of things in my life, but mainly with my job and the quality of my free time.  without making this a post about the frustrations of work (because, don't worry, that post will come soon), suffice it to say that i wake up in the mornings dreading going, and i come home relieved to be back.  sunday nights are the worst nights of the week, and fridays can never get here soon enough.  i think i feel like i'm once again spending my time doing something i don't want to do, and as hard as i try, i just can't find a reasonable solution (the obvious one, to me, is not reasonable either in this economy, or in my current situation).  so i feel a little stuck.

because the work week has been so hard to plow through lately, i've been trying to fill my free time with fun activities that won't break my budget and is something N. and i can do together.  let's have a party at our place on saturday, lets redecorate our bathroom, we should go thrift store hunting, lets spend a night vegging out and have a movie marathon, lets take finn on a hike, my list literally goes on for days.  unfortunately, the excitement of these activities is short-lived, and i always end the weekend feeling more exhausted than when it began.  coupled with that is the fact that N. and i haven't spent time together - quality, relaxing, just the two of us, time - in a while, and our schedules on most day don't exactly mesh.  so i feel a little stuck, again.

with all of this, and just with the general feeling of being in a lull that i can't break out of, i've been wanting to plan a nice weekend getaway for the two of us.  now, i love the city.  i do, really.  but i desperately, desperately need to get out of it.  nothing about the city rejuvenates me.  in fact, for the most part, being in cities tends to stress me out more.  i always feel like i need or want to be on the go all the time, and i'm constantly overstimulated.  no, cities don't relax me.  i want views and open spaces, green earth, blue sky, quiet instead of traffic, mountains, ocean, fresh air, and time to just turn my mind off.  but, even with all of northern california's beauty, i can't figure out where to find this.  the reason for this is largely cost and time prohibitions.

i want to get far enough away, but i don't want to have to take a flight.

i don't want to camp, but i want the accommodations to be affordable.

i don't want to go somewhere i've already been, but i've been to most places within driving distance of home.

i realize i'm being a little ridiculous and more than a little picky, but it's at times like these when i find myself playing the "if only" game.  if only i had more money, we could do more things.  if only i were still in school, i'd have large enough breaks where i could plan longer trips more frequently.  (yes, i realize the first and second "if only's" seem sort of mutually exclusive)  if only we still lived in seattle, i could think of places to take a weekend getaway.  if only, if only, if only.

it's enough to drive yourself crazy.

what do you do when you get mentally stuck in these situations?  do you take trips, spend some time alone?  how do you get yourself out of the "same old, rut"?  any suggestions for a quick weekend trip around the bay area?

life as art

i hope it makes you take a deep breath and relax.

song is "please don't go" by barcelona.

me v. the burnout

so, apparently, i've hit The Wall. my own personal, great big barbri wall i like to affectionately call, "kahea doesn't want to do s**t." it's like i know i should be studying day and night, night and day, but God help me i have the motivation of a small bag of rocks. none.

for the passed two weeks, i've barely spent any time outside of class studying for the upcoming bar (which, hahaha, is now less than a month away!). i go to class for 3-4 hours each day, then come home, stare at my outlines, and retain absolutely nothing.

and i know i should be worried. i should actually be freaking the eff out. any sane person would be. but i'm not. i think i've figured out why:

1. before barbri even began, i promised myself that i wouldn't let it beat me. this course, this exam, these 2 months of hell would not get the better of me. it would be over my dead body that law school would get one more nervous breakdown out of me. so here i am, doing whatever i think is healthiest for me. even if it's blowing off the california bar exam. i'll still try my hardest when push comes to shove, but i won't let it kill me in the mean time. i'll study when i study, and when the day draws nearer i know i'll buckle down because a part of me just hates to fail at academia, but i can't let myself get lost in this again. i whole-heartedly stand up and refuse.
2. but i'm also not freaking out because a part of me, and i don't know how big a part of me yet, just doesn't care all that much right now. i mean, the fact of the matter is that, comparatively, i almost have it easy. i don't need to pass the bar. unlike so many of my friends and fellow barbri students, i don't want to practice law, so any job i may get in the future isn't contingent on my passing. my driving force at this point is that i don't want to face the, well, embarrassment of not passing (particularly since, fyi, anyone and their mama can go online in the fall and find out who passed and who failed the bar exam). i don't do failure well, so the humiliation will be a hard pill to swallow should i not pull myself together soon.

but i have to admit that there are moments when the exam tries (and nearly manages) to get the better of me. i'm talking about those times when i hear the way others are coping with it. when i hear the guy behind me in class saying that he's going to be doing 1 essay and 1 hour of mbe's a day, along with reviewing and shortening his outlines, it makes me either want to kick myself or throw my book at him. when i hear friends freaking out because the answer they wrote for their practice essay wasn't exactly like the model answer, i want to put my head down, close my eyes, and scream. and when i see the exam getting the better of others, it makes me feel like i should let it get the better of me too, because maybe that's what it'll take to succeed.

but this happens less and less frequently now since i've learned to just pop my earphones in and blast music from the likes of paramore to van morrison to muse to jack's mannequin. that's how i'm coping with the burnout from three years of law school which felt like 10 years in prison. music, and shutting everything else out.

N. and i also just adopted a dog, which helps me slack off, but more on that later. :)

is this what relaxation feels like?

so finals are over and i still haven't gotten my much anticipated facial or massage. yet. i'm thinking this week sometime, before the madness of summer internships begin. here are some thoughts and updates:

• i've found the cure for the horrendous break-out of post-finals blemishes and pimples: tea tree oil. L. and i went shopping last sunday and i got a tiny bottle from the body shop. i've been putting the oil directly on my "irritated" skin once a day for a week. oh. my. word. use it. love it. live it.
• making bath salts is INCREDIBLY easy. just combine 1 cup of epsom salts, 1/4 cup kosher or sea salt, a few drops of food coloring, and the essential/fragrance oil of your choice. put it in a pretty glass jar and voile! bath salts.
• i've had so much free time that i've rediscovered day-time television. even though i really should be doing the required reading for my internships (who REQUIRES reading for INTERNSHIPS anyway?!). so now i'm in love with charmed (yes, i said charmed, which i know is no longer even making new episodes). and i'm in love with drew fuller. and although i've always hated the term...he's such eye candy. had a dream about him last night....completely platonic, i promise.
• "i have a cute-ass friend named D."
• i want to remodel. i've been dreaming about doing that as well. and can i just say that in my dreams, i am DAMN clever?! i've come up with a bunch of things that i SWEAR are genius when it comes to redecorating. i should have been an interior designer.
• the oakland zoo is cool.

and CONGRATULATIONS L.! i'm so excited! first of the quints to get engaged!!!

and that's about it for me right now. i miss my friends, who are all gone all over the world right now. COME BACK ALREADY!!!