Plan B, is that you?

Let me start this post out by saying that I'm usually not so indecisive when it comes to The Big Things in my life.  I'd like to think that I do okay when it comes to making choices, though they may not always be the right ones.  In fact, I'd put good money on my family and friends thinking I'm often too stubborn when it comes to decisions; I make them, sometimes impulsively and often to serve my need for instant gratification, and then stick to them come hell or high water just because I refused to backtrack.  At one point, these same people would actually brace themselves when I said the words, "So I decided..."

And I know that lately it's seemed that all I do is go back and forth between my decisions, or hesitate and cringe away from making the really important ones.  This is all part of the same vein though, since I think I now do this because I'm usually so stubborn after the decision has been made.  Maybe I'm just afraid of being wrong.

So it doesn't really surprise me in the least that I've somewhat rethought my plan to go to grad school next year.  Although the plan still is to go back to school, I don't think I'll be going quite so soon as I expected or hoped.  I can give you my list of excuses (and believe me, I've got a bunch of them), but the honest truth is that it breaks down pretty simply:

1. I'm afraid my application isn't competitive enough and I won't get in anywhere.  I know this is going to sound strange, but I don't have any background in what I want to study.  My undergrad major was something completely unique to my school and, while the classes I took dealt with what I'd like to go into (cultural anthropology), they weren't part of that department.  I feel like I need to take actual anthro classes or get an internship or contact a professor or do something to give myself a shot.  I just don't know what.  Any suggestions would be well appreciated, I promise.
2. I'm also afraid it's too soon and I want just a little more time.  Grad school would almost definitely mean a move, and with Nate's job and his family being here in the Bay Area I know deep down he doesn't really want to leave.  I think I'm okay with moving on my own, but because I don't know what that would mean for us, I think about next fall and it just seems like it's right around the corner waiting to jump out at me and break my heart.  So the thought of grad school and all that it entails on a personal level has become a sort of double-edged sword: on one hand the independence and newness of it all seems so thrilling, but on the other it seems like a potential landmine.  I just need more time to think it through.

And so Plan B changes a little again.

beginning somewhere

when i began my college search all those years ago in the 11th grade, i wasn't doing it alone.  fortunately for me, my high school had a great college guidance center and counselors who made finding, applying for, and selecting schools as easy as it could possibly have been.  to say i was spoon fed would not be an understatement.  in fact, (partially due to my anal need to be organized), i still have the three-ring binder i kept all college brochures and paperwork in.  it included a to-do checklist, financial aid info, application fee forms and waivers, copies of personal statements, transcripts and hard copies of all applications, as well as questionnaires provided by our counselors for us to use when figuring out what considerations (i.e. location, size, cost, etc.) were most important to us in our decision-making.  the world really was my oyster, and i think i chose my undergraduate school mainly because it was far enough away from home without being too far, and i knew people who were going to be matriculating with me, including one of my best friends.

choosing a college was one of the easiest decisions i've ever made.

when i was selecting a law school, on the other hand, i think i did so rather blindly.  when applying for college, i had no doubt i'd get into the school i wanted to attend; when applying for law school, all i had was doubt, and that played a large role in where i applied.  i don't think the doubt was so much about getting in somewhere, but more where that school was going to be.  i was in a new relationship and it, along with financial aid concerns, was my deciding factor.  those weeks of decision-making once i'd received my acceptances (and yes, my rejections as well) were a sort of push and pull of considerations.  do i go where my boyfriend is?  do i stay where i'm most familiar?  do i go to the cheapest school?  do i go to the best school?  i ended up with a decision based on a combination of factors and chose the school that was both closest to N. and where i had the best financial package (though it wasn't the cheapest option).

choosing a law school was a lot harder than i expected it to be.

that brings me to where i am now: choosing where and when to apply for graduate school.  if i'm completely honest, i sort of feel like the blind leading the blind here, but i'm taking the lessons i've learned and am trying to apply them here.  i've started a three-ring binder to keep track of my school options and information, and i'm planning on looking for those checklists and questionnaires from back in the day to help me create new, more relevant ones for the search this time around.

here are some of the important factors in my search:

1. when to apply.  i've decided to apply for admission for fall 2011 (or around that time for schools on a different calendar).  if i don't get in anywhere, i'll work to make myself more competitive, and apply again the following year.
2. location, location, location.  while i'd like to think that i'd be willing to go anywhere and everywhere based on just the caliber of the school's program (or my whims), that's simply not realistic.  i am in a long-term committed relationship, and i need to take that into consideration.  however, i also wouldn't mind a change of scenery if it comes down to it.  i also have to keep in mind that the area i want to study is a specific geographical location (albeit, a broad one).  i think this means i need to stay in and around the pacific rim.
3. degrees offered by the school.  will i be going for just a Masters, or a combined Masters and PhD program?  this factor sort of goes hand in hand with the first factor, and my big question is: how long am i willing to stay in one area?  because if that area is not where i'm currently living, what does that mean for my relationship?  unfortunately, the school with the great program in my current area is a combined MA/PhD program, but i'm just not sure i want to stay here for another 8-10 years.  furthermore, if i choose to go international for graduate school, how will that degree be viewed once i return to the U.S.?
4. faculty.  all of the programs i'm considering have faculty who are studying and researching the area i'd like to study and research.
5. cost.  because i honestly can't afford to be all that much more in educational debt.

and even though to me all of this seems like a confusing mass of things to think about and the possiblity that i'm thinking about the wrong things right now, it has me excited.  i'm looking forward to setting the stage and beginning a new chapter in my life, and this is one that i think i'm about ready to dive into.

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i know some of you are graduate or PhD students right now, or perhaps you're in the same boat as i am and are preparing to go back to school, whatever it is i'd love to hear how your decision-making process went.  how did you select your school?  what were your major considerations?  did you do anything specific to prepare for graduate school, particularly if you didn't major in the field you wanted to pursue a higher degree in (this will mainly be the social science folks)?  did you contact professors at the school prior to applying?  did you visit the school or meet with anyone in the department?  was it helpful?  any and all constructive advice is welcome!