A Healthy Ambition: The Routine Check-up

Over the past few months, I've obviously fallen off of the healthy train.  In fact, I would probably venture out to say that I jumped off the back of it, stuck a middle finger up as it took off, and began hoofing it in the opposite direction.

Not one of my better decisions.

Why this happened can be attributed to all of the usual suspects: I was too busy, lazy, stressed, lazy, tired, lazy, and so on and so forth.  When I took a look at those reasons, you can guess what the common factor I found was.  I've just been too damn lazy.  As a result, I've been eating humongous portions of food, most of which is white rice and meat products (because I come from Hawaii and that's how we do), I've been avoiding salads like they're going to kill me or something, I've canceled my gym membership (which was more for financial reasons -- that I'll divulge sometime next week -- than anything else), my treadmill has sat abandoned and lonely in the corner as it collects dust and makes me dog a little uneasy, and I've just been...wallowing.

Then I went to see my PCP for my first physical check-up in three years, and all I have to show for my incredibly poor self-care and eating/fitness habits is that I'm a 27 year old with scary-high cholesterol and an increasingly high glucose level, and that if this doesn't change I'm heading for either a heart attack and/or diabetes or cholesterol meds which will make it dangerous/impossible for me to have children.

What.  Have.  I.  Done?!

So, needless to say things are about to change in my world.  Operation "A Healthy Ambition" is way on again and this time I have a little more at stake than fitting into that cute pair of skinny jeans in my closet.  So if any of you out there on the world wide web have any suggestions for recipes, cookbooks, informational books, workouts, etc. that you've really benefited from and would like to share, believe me, I'm all ears.

Here's to a new me.

A Healthy Ambition: Benchmarks and Goals

It's been a slow couple of days for me (the fact that I was home - in the land of heavy foods and little exercise - didn't help) and, in the hopes of keeping my motivation up, I began thinking about what the benchmarks are for my end goal of losing weight and becoming fit.  Much like my Debt Project, working-out has obviously taken on a very general purpose and I feel like in order to actually accomplish that goal, I need more tangible benchmarks to hit and some rewards to give myself along the way.

It's the rewards that were stumping me though.  With debt the rewards are easy, but with weight loss, what sort of rewards can you give yourself?  Eat more?  No one wants to do that in the middle of a work out frenzy.  Buy a bikini?  That prospect is so scary that I'm actually shuddering right now.  So I thought about it, and I thought about my debt rewards some more, and I came up with a few work-out goals/rewards after all.

Here they are (the goals that are crossed out have already been completed):

1. Join a gym
2. Establish initial work-out routine (working out 4-5 days a week)
3. Try out a class at the gym
4. Follow routine consistently for 2 months
5. Run 3 miles
6. Buy new work-out clothes - REWARD!
7. Re-evaluate and follow routine consistently for 2 more months
8. Run 6 miles
9. Buy new running shoes - REWARD!
10. Join a pilates class
11. Re-evaluate and follow routine consistently for 2 more months
12. Run a half marathon

A Healthy Ambition (with superficial results)

Something's come over me lately.  I can't say whether the root is a positive one, but the result definitely is.  Because I've been feeling energized lately, and motivated and restless and determined, and that's all given me a drive to tackle my weight issues in a way that I don't think I ever have before.

Let me start this way: I have a confession.  I've been unhappy with my body for as long as I can remember.  I've never, not once, honestly thought I looked good.  That whole "feel good naked" thing going around?  I don't have the faintest idea what that's like.  Since I was probably about five I've been hyper conscious of the fact that I'm overweight.  Sure, when you're a kid it's called "chubby," but it amounts to the same thing once you hit 13.  There have been times when I've been called fat to my face (probably because I called that person an equally hideous name, so I guess I had it coming), and times when I've been told quite clinically that I could stand to lose a few pounds.  Whether said in the heat of battle or with gentle concern, the words are never easy to swallow.

As a result, I've developed a relationship with my body that ill-prepared parents would develop with a child who likes to throw tantrums.  I've given in to my body's demands at times and brutally punished it at others.  I've starved, gorged, passed out from too much exercise and not enough energy, then thrown in the towel and let it go.  I've come up with a reward and deterrent system, I've tried to unsuccessfully convince myself that being healthy is more important than being skinny, and I'm fairly certain I've tried every fad diet and every semi-legit weight loss program you can think of.

I've failed at them all.

So I'm more than a little excited to be where I am right now.  As I said, something's come over me lately.  It began when I stepped on my bathroom scale a couple of weeks ago and nearly died.  I'd hit a weight I never imagined seeing under my feet.  In all honestly, I don't look like I'm that weight; I don't know how I get away with it, but the pounds distribute themselves fairly evenly across my frame.  I'm not saying I'm thin (obviously), because I definitely look like I've gained weight over the last year, but I don't look obese.  At least, I don't think I do.  (YouwouldtellmeifIdid,wouldn'tyou?)

Anyway, after stepping on that scale and seeing those magic numbers, I couldn't take it anymore.  I knew I needed to do something.  Like my finances and debt, my weight was something I needed to take control of or I would regret it for the rest of my life (very much like I'd been regretting it up until this point).  But the really surprising thing came next: rather than setting about on my more destructive tendencies -- like torture -- my mind automatically went on a very different path.

I became insanely motivated to exercise.  All of a sudden, the things I wanted to do included going to the gym, trying out that yoga class, doing pilates, running a mile (to start...I'm just beginning!), walking the mile home from work everyday, eating less and eating healthier, kicking my soda habit and drinking tons of water.  And so I've been doing them.  And I've been loving it.  It hasn't been easy, and it hasn't been all sunshine, roses and fun, but I have plans now that include a healthier lifestyle, things I want to do when I master that next step.  When I miss a day at the gym or a pilates work out, rather than begrudgingly saying that I'll just pick it back up tomorrow (and then not), I check out my calendar anxiously and make the time to fit it in. 

I'm not saying this is all about me being fit.  I'd like to pretend it is, but I'm a 26 year old woman with a healthy appreciation for consumerism and all that glitters.  I know that what I see in magazines, on tv, and in the movies is mostly airbrushed, but it doesn't stop the fact that I still envy it.  And while I may never achieve that level of tiny (those women are, after all, robots, right?), I'm still planning on looking damn good in my "thin jeans".

And I'm looking forward to the work it'll take for that to happen.

project reconnect

it's no secret that, after graduating from law school, i decided not to become a lawyer and have since begun figuring out a life more satisfying on a road i didn't anticipate traveling.  it's also no secret that i've been trying to get my finances in order lately so that i can dig myself out of this debt pit that i've so successfully put myself in over the last few years.  these moves have all been part of a sort of personal project reconnect, in which i try to make myself a better, more well rounded me.

today i took the next step toward this goal and began exercising for the first time in too many months to count.  it wasn't easy either; i really did have to force myself not to call M. and cancel the gym outing she somehow (and i'm still not clear on how or when this happened) got me to agree to take part in.  you see, i hate exercise.  i always have.  i can pinpoint the start of these feelings to either my childhood, when i was the chubby kid who couldn't run very far, very fast, or for very long, or to my high school PE program, which has a reputation of being one of the most rigorous PE programs in the country.  so it really should come as no surprise that it's been a challenge for me to stay committed to an exercise program for more than a week or two. 

but i've got a feeling about it this time.

with all of these changes i've been making in my life lately (spending less, saving more, kicking my diet coke habit addiction, taking vitamins, eating steady meals), i really do feel that i can stick to an exercise regime this time.  and luckily enough, i have a great boyfriend who has been over the moon supportive of me (from cooking healthier meals, to being encouraging without being an ass), and i have M. -- my own free, personal trainer and close friend rolled into one.

today was my first day back in the gym, and my first day there with M.  and it was wonderful.  i'm even looking forward to going back tomorrow!  now that's a big step!  to commemorate the occasion, i took a picture of myself today (which serendipitously is the first day of the month, and quells my OCD tendencies that say i must start things at the beginning of weeks/months/years), and will continue to take pictures of myself on the first day of each month so that i can document any successes (i won't even consider the option that i'll fail) i make.  hopefully, someday down the road, i'll be able to share those pictures with you all and celebrate another goal reached!

my life has been seeing so many changes recently, and that's a scary thing for someone like me, who usually only embraces the changes i want and intentionally create in my own life.  but i'm learning to roll with the punches, and i'm taking this time in my life, when things could have completely gone off track into a haze of nothingness and confusion, and turning it into opportunities.  project reconnect is in full swing!

mind over [lots of] matter

alright, i've decided something.  (and here we shall all pause for a minute to fully appreciate the magnitude of this moment: i have actually decided something!  alert the press!).  okay, enough silliness.  i have decided that i need to lose weight.

what brought this on [again]?  maybe it's the fact that i'm the heaviest i have ever been, and therefore wear the largest sizes i have ever worn.  maybe it's the fact that my weight has seriously started to effect the way i look at myself and act with...people [read: boyfriend].  maybe it's because of the little news clipping my mother sent me last week about diabetes and weight and the crap i eat and drink as she tried to gently point out that yes, i am prone to getting diabetes and yes, she will blame me and my shitty habits forever and ever if i end of a diabetic like her and my sister and everyone else in my family who got it even though their habits are nowhere near as bad as mine.

it's actually all of these reasons.

i'm unhappy with myself, and tired of being unhappy.  i'd originally planned to enroll myself back at my gym (had to quit when the funds stopped flowing in), but my new and improved "down with debt" attitude makes that against the rules.  so instead i'm going to give the free workouts on my comcast on-demand a shot, and maybe eventually move my activities outdoors into the sunshine (when the sun actually starts shining again).  i also think i want to commit myself to some sort of culminating event, like back in high school when, in order to pass phys ed, each student had to complete a timed event, like a 6 mile run or a biathalon or something.  it'll keep me accountable, and looking forward to something.  not that i looked forward to those events in high school, and i wasn't even fat then.

urgh.  note to self: STOP comparing your current ass to your high school ass!  it's not a fair fight!

anyway.  i feel like i need to come up with a regimen or something, like just wanting to exercise won't be enough.  does anyone out there have a regimen i can use as a jumping off point?  or maybe someone wants to be a fitness buddy with me!  (because lets face it, misery loves company, right?)

but it's not just the exercise thing.  i also need to eat healthier.  i've started eating lunches now, which is a plus in some alternate universe, i suppose.  i still can't bring myself to eat breakfast because 1) i don't like breakfast foods, and 2) i'm just not hungry that early in the morning and by the time i am hungry, well, it's lunch time!  but i guess that should be what i tackle first: getting my metabolism, which has adopted the speed of an ice flow, moving in some sort of respectable way again.

this all just goes to show that being healthy, being in shape is so much more about your mind than your actual body.  without your mind, your body might as well be a lump of poop.  my body currently is a lump of poop.  so it'll be a challenge all around.

ummmm...

any suggestions?  please?

a slave for you

i've been thinking a lot tonight about the way we, as humans and as habit-forming people, are ruled by our bodies.  it's actually something that crosses my mind quite often, simply because of the fact that my boyfriend is completely at the mercy of his body and, because we live and do most things together, that impacts my life almost on a daily basis.

for example, N. must eat breakfast in the morning.  he must.  he cannot under any circumstances miss the first meal of the day or it is a miserable experience being around him.  and i'm not talking about him getting your average, three-year-old type of uncomfortable.  it becomes nearly impossible for him to function and think about other things.  put simply: he's a grouch.  he also has to have exactly 8 hours of sleep.  eight.  no less, no more.  if he doesn't hit that exact amount, he'll more than likely wake up with a headache.

he is a slave to his body.

i, on the other hand, am almost -- almost -- at the exact opposite end of the spectrum.  i can skip breakfast any day of the week and not bat an eye-lash.  i can sleep anywhere from 4 to 14 hours in a day and still function relatively well.  i'll even go so far as to say that instead of my body training me, i'm usually the one exacting ridiculous (and not always healthy) things from it.

when i was in high school, there were many times when i'd use my body to train my brain to do, or not do, something.  i mean, it's fairly easy to punish your skin in order to condition your mind (again, i did say that these weren't my healthier habits), and i definitely did that.  i don't have the physical scars to prove it, thank God, but even now that i'm older and recognize how incredibly dangerous, unhealthy, and...deeper into my psyche the need to do those things is, there are times when my body still hesitates before doing something, or braces for what it thinks will come as a repercussion.  it's a strange thing.  almost like instead of being a slave to my body, my body is a victim to me, you know?

and there's always the usual bad habits and addictions: diet coke, lots and lots of carbs, not exercising, not eating at least 3 meals a day, etc.

i'm currently trying to steer away from what seems to be my predisposition to do what's easy and not healthy, and begin forming new and healthy habits for the new year and for my life.  it's not always easy to truly remain rid of the desire to fall back on what you know and what's worked and what's made you feel better in the short-term, so this will most likely be a struggle i continue to write about as i go along.

are you one of those people who tend to have certain rituals during the day that your body just requires you go through?  like, N.?  or are you more like me, a recovering bad-habit haver who's used the body as a tool rather than a temple?

face first

WARNING: this post is a little descriptive and unpleasant.

call them what you will: fever blisters, cold sores, herpes... whatever they are, they SUCK.

i've had these things all my life. i can actually remember times when i was a kid and all the skin between my upper lip and my nose would be covered in scabs and blisters. i'd cry and cry (both out of embarrassment and pain), and my mother would inevitably feel so bad for her second born that she'd let me stay home from school until the outbreak passed.

i don't know who passed them down to me. all i know is that i hate them (and that my older sister has recently told me that my poor beautiful nephew gets them as well, to the extent that i do). i don't have outbreaks as often as i once did, but when they do show up they make themselves count.

case in point? i've been hiding out all weekend because i have this horrendous thing on the left side of my lip. it's big. it's scabby. it's not a very attractive color. it's uncomfortably pulling at part of my skin as it dries. and honestly? every time i get them a part of me feels like that kid who used to get teased about being deformed whenever my mom deemed the blisters small enough so that i could go back to school.

so yes, i feel slightly like a ten year old, but i'm embarrassed. and i've been feeling physically ugly for the passed five days.

that probably explains my mood and this outburst, doesn't it?

hello, 2009. it's nice to meet you.

so the other night N. and i were over at my bff's amazing new house with her new husband and my other bff, and we were having a sort of wrap-up of 2008 discussion. across the board, this has been a pretty bad year for most people i know. and my bff started talking about how it should have been a great year for us since we're the year of the rat and all (she's been finding out more about her chinese ancestry since she's been working on a genealogy project for grad school for the passed 2 months), but since that hasn't happened, maybe it'll roll over to 2009. she's prepared to do various things to ensure that this goes through (which many people, my grandmother for example, do), including cleaning her house from top to bottom before last night, setting off certain fireworks from the four corners of her roof at midnight, making the proper offerings of money or incense (?), and receiving licee, etc. i don't know a thing about any of this (though N. does since he's half chinese as well), but she said she'd include thoughts and hopes for my 2009 into her rituals, i'm not arguing.

my rituals, on the other hand, are slightly different from hers. i don't actually think i have any, come to think of it. originally, N. and i had planned to do a whole new years things with friends last night, but plans changed since we missed our flight back from hawaii on the 30th and ended up getting back to oakland at 10pm last night instead. it was silly, really. we didn't miss our flight for any huge reason; we were sitting at burger king in the interisland terminal chatting away before we realized that our flight was taking off. so we rebooked our flight for last night and ended up calling my older sister to come and get us so we could stay with her for the night. which actually worked out amazingly well, since it allowed me to FINALLY meet my new niece, and hang out with my nephew. not to mention that big sis let us borrow her truck for the afternoon, so N. and i just drove around to beaches, got something to eat, and hung out.

there are worse places to be stuck on a layover.

but since we got back so late last night, i wasn't in the mood to jump off of a 5 and a half hour plane ride and go straight to a party. so instead we just hung out at home, which was fine with me.

i have made some resolutions, however. i'm trying not to make them too overly ambitious since no one ever ends up keeping those resolutions, so they may not be too interesting.

1. join a gym. notice that for once it doesn't say, "lose weight." i never keep that resolution. this one is a bit more baby-step-ish, so i feel better about it. there's a gym i have in mind that i'm going to check out next week. and yes, the joining does entail actually going to the gym. i purposefully set up my class schedule so that it allows for more "me time" this semester, which includes exercising, so i think i'm headed in the right direction.
2. write. this one excites me. it's purely meant to be writing for pleasure. not publication, not academia, just for fun. whether anyone will ever read it doesn't really matter. i need to write again.
3. get out of credit card debt. for more on this, see "confessions of a shopaholic" post.
   
4. not make myself sick over what may happen after graduation. my problem has always been that i need a plan to the point where i make myself suffer if i don't. this is the first time in my life that a huge life change is coming up (graduation in may), and i have absolutely no idea where i'm going to be after it. currently, i have the possibility of a job i may want lined up, and the ability to apply for other jobs i probably don't want at my fingertips. it's the first time i don't know what i really want though, and normally, this would make me sick to the point where i wouldn't be able to function. but i'm working on not letting my ocd tendencies get the better of me. things will work out. things will work out. things will work out.
5. be happy. this one ties in to the last one and is probably the biggest and most important of my resolutions. while i didn't have control over a lot of what happened in 2008, i did have control over my reactions to those things, and in the end, it's those reactions that paved the way for how the year would proceed. so my only conclusions can be that i made myself unhappy this year. i made 2008 difficult for myself. and i refuse to do that in 2009. whatever else happens, i want to approach my decisions, big or small, with the goal of being happy. should i take the bar? well, would it make me happy to do so? should i apply for this job? well, would i be happy if i was offered the job and accepted? it may sound selfish, and i'll try not to be, but i just feel like this is a much better approach, and a sort of middle ground, to how i usually go about doing things. we'll see how it turned out, i guess, on december 31st, 2009.

anyhow, there it is. there are more mini-resolutions that i'm not going in to detail about (blog more regularly, read more frequently and eclectically, go to shows again, finish publishing my article, travel out of the country), but i think those are the biggies.

oh, also, i'm going to be working on a new blog layout over the next couple of days, and will probably be shifting over to wordpress, but i'll keep you posted.

stuff to come:

• flickr
• review of "the reincarnationist" by m.j. rose

lifestyles of the rich and famous

well, not really rich and famous. just me.

so i've been contemplating a lifestyle change over the passed couple of months. just in terms of my weight and health mostly. i think lawschool has shown me that i really need to take care of myself, and though my definition of a healthy lifestyle definitely differs from other people (i.e. i don't see a problem with drinking energy drinks, i have a weakness for soda that i'm not sure i can give up, and breakfast just isn't that important to me), there are certain things even i recognize need to be changed.

it started out slowly at first, with little changes i would hardly even notice. for example, i allow myself to eat fast food only once a month now, if ever. no micky D's, no burger king, no wendy's on the daily. just once a month. and then, only if that once a month happens to occur because nothing else is open (this usually happens when i get home from class too late). i used to buy bottles of water and keep those on hand because i've noticed that part of the reason i drink so much soda is because it's convenient. you know, open the fridge, grab a can, and off you go. so the whole act of getting a glass, pouring water, refilling the pitcher, then having to wash the glass, seems pointless when you can just have the ease of a soda can/bottle. i've stopped doing that because i went broke, but i think i should start it up again, since i was definitely drinking more water then than i am now. i also used to snack on veggies. i mean, i generally don't snack period, but i think it was better for my metabolism when i was snacking, and the snacking was on cucumbers and carrots.

so here's my plan so far: N. and i have (for the most part) cut out a large portion of the red meat we're eating. this is thanks to the Quints, who i saw this passed weekend. alex and pukui used to be vegetarians (i think alex still is...), and le'a is definitely a vegetarian now. and it was just inspiring i guess. especially talking to le'a and hearing about the foods she's substituted, etc. but N. and i are carnivores at heart, so we've decided not to go cold turkey. after all, let's face it, nothing's better than some rib-eye right off the grill! so we're allowing ourselves red meat once a week. i think he'll probably allow himself chicken as well, but i'm trying to eat less of meat and poultry altogether. so we'll see how we do without cow, pig, and bird. we'll eat a lot of fish. and i've started grilling/roasting a lot of squash and zucchini (yum!), which is great. i also think i'll start buying more fresh veggies and putting them in little baggies or zip lock containers for snacking. you know, kinda like portion control?

that's the biggy: portion control. i eat a lot at dinnertime. it's because i generally don't eat breakfast, and i've started eating salads for lunch. and i don't snack. so by dinnertime, i'm halfway to starving. and i overeat. it'll help that the overeating is done if veggies and stuff, but still...overeating is never good. so i'll have to watch my portion control.

oh! i also think i've convinced N. to allow me to mix our [sacred...lol] white rice with brown rice. my mom does it, and my older sister eats brown rice whenever her hubby isn't around, and i think it would help. N. was not too happy about that at first, but i think he'll come around.

i'll be seeing a nutritionist soon so we'll see what he/she says...

as far as exercising goes...well...hmmm. N. and i said we wanted to start hiking more, and that can happen beginning next week because i'll be done with work for the summer. my doctor also said i should get a gym membership and start working out for real (i.e. not just walking on the treadmill at home). she's right, i know she's right. but i hate exercising! oh well, we'll see how it goes. if i get a gym membership, i have to go, because otherwise i'm just paying a monthly "fat tax." (some clever comedian called it that and i loved it). *sigh*

anyhow. yeah. i guess there just comes a time when you realize that, though the crash dieting and the starving yourself works for a little while, (and it does work, regardless of what people say) in the end you're better of not depriving yourself. you should just change your habits and alter the things you crave so that the deprivation (aka the healthy lifestyle) doesn't feel so much like punishment. so that's what i'm trying to do this time around.

we'll see how it goes.