30 Days of Reconnection

Do you remember how, a few posts back, I mentioned that I was taking Stratejoy's Joy Equation e-course?  I just completed it and wanted to briefly share my experience with you all on the off (or maybe not so off) chance that someone out there is currently going through a kind of quarter life or identity crisis like I did.  After all, if there's anything I've learned from Stratejoy it's that community can mean a world of difference.

Though I highly suggest going to the Stratejoy (pronounced like strategies for joy) website and checking out what it's about for yourselves, in summary it is an amazingly supportive collection of mostly women (many bloggers included), a majority of whom have been or are going through their own QLC.  Stratejoy -- and it's brilliant and inspiring founder Molly Mahar -- offers a bunch of different resources including small business coaching, group coaching, much much more, and...the Joy Equation e-course.

So the reason I literally jumped at the chance to take the Joy Equation was because my life, to put it mildly, had been a complete mess over the last 6 months...or possibly 3 years.  Somewhere during that time, I lost sight of who I was and the things I wanted, the dreams I had and any sort of real, long-term goals for my life.  I was neglecting everything that's good and healthy and worthwhile (like Nate and our relationship and my overall well-being), feeling stuck and useless and helpless and hopeless.  Throw in some severe depression, some therapy, and some self-given ultimatums and I was ready to kill for something -- anything -- to help me figure myself out.

And then, through a series of blogs I stumbled upon, I started hearing about this company called Stratejoy.  

Now, I will admit that when I began the Joy Equation I was also beginning to implement new and healthier changes in my life on several other levels (i.e. therapy, as I said, healthier eating habits and a financial overhaul among them), but I'm not sure any or all of them would have been successful had I not done the things the Joy Equation asked me to do.  I'll be the first to say it's intense -- 30 days of self-reflective journaling?  90 min sessions each week spent trying to really get at who you are and what you want?  There were definitely some uncomfortable moments and some days when I called my mom and was like, "What do you really think of me???" in between sobs.  But sticking with it was worth it.

So I journaled (and became addicted to it once again) and I spent 2 hours each week on the weekly audio sessions, and I read the Stratejoy blog from beginning to end and started joining in on that community of awesome women, and I talked about the Joy Equation and the things I was re-learning about myself nonstop to Nate and my friends and my dog.  And I started feeling better.  I started realizing that the things I thought I wanted I maybe didn't, and the things I thought I couldn't have I totally can.  I realized that my dreams are not mutually exclusive of my reality and that having plans is good, but having flexibility within those plans make them even better.  I learned that there are certain things I can't live without (like joy and travel and purpose and passion and faith and family) and there were definitely areas of my life that didn't honor those necessities.  I'm seeing myself again -- it's a little like meeting an old friend and feeling that, even though you haven't spoken in a while, the closeness and support is still there.

And the really great part is that all of this information was already in my head or heart or wherever.  I just needed some help finding it.

But things aren't perfect and never will be (now that was a hard lesson to learn).  There's still a lot I have to work on when it comes to myself, and a lot of work to do to get to the places I want to be.  So I don't mean to make this sound like some magic button that you push and all of a sudden all of your problems are solved, because it's not.  Instead, for me, it was more like a guide, a friend to support me as I got down and dirty.  I will probably be writing quite a bit more about the things I got out of my 30 days, including some awesome goals I've got to work towards and some habits I'm trying to get into.  But for now I think this is as good a starting place as any.

On Snowballs and Allowing Things to Change

The last week has been a really interesting one.  It's been full of introspection, allowing myself to try new things and doubt things I thought were practically set in stone.  I've given myself permission to make mistakes and be wrong and actually admit it.  I've spent more time paying attention to Nate and our relationship than I think I have in a while, and it's made me feel simultaneously really great and really guilty.  I've let myself feel that guilt and deal with it rather than deny it or make excuses for myself or push those thoughts to a corner of my mind altogether where I wouldn't have to acknowledge it until it was too late.

I've begun letting myself Dream Big again.  And that's huge for me.

One of my biggest accomplishments lately has been in recognizing my own need for control, my fear of failure, and my tendency to snowball every little thing in my life until it becomes the end all, be all.  It's gotten to the point where, when I make even minor changes in my life, my best friends will say, "Okay now, don't snowball!"  I remember once during my freshman year in college when I was studying for finals for a class that, in the big scheme of things, really meant nothing to me and my future, my mother called.  I was stressed out about not having enough time to study and all of a sudden was hysterically crying to her that, if I didn't study, I would fail the exam, I would fail out of college, I would never get a degree, I would have to move home and work at McDonalds for the rest of my life, I would never get married, never have kids, and when I was old and decrepit, alone and homeless, I would die at the end of my miserable life.  At that point my mom couldn't help herself and she laughed -- I mean, wouldn't you?  I think that's when I shouted something like, "It's not funny, Mom!"

No one ever said I wasn't dramatic.

But that's sort of an indication of where my mind typically goes when I'm faced with possibly making the wrong choices, or when things don't go "according to plan" and I feel like I'm losing control of a situation (or my life).  But this past week has been an eye-opening experience for me as I let myself make some plans, change my mind, and be flexible all around.  Some pretty big decisions are being made and they completely fly in the face of whatever notions I've built in my head over the last year about what my life is supposed to be.  It's...liberating.  

I'm finding that it gets easier and easier to accept that moving one or two bricks will not make the whole house come tumbling down. 

Hanging Out With Myself

One of the things I don't think I've ever been particularly good at is hanging out by myself.  I grew up in a large household and then went on to boarding school where I spent the next six years living in dorms filled with other girls.  I had roommates throughout college and then immediately moved from my last college apartment to a place with Nate.  I've never actually had to spend any significant time alone, so I never really did.

The strange thing is that I'm not an abnormally social sort of person.  I'm probably not even a normally social sort of person.  I'm really more of a homebody; I enjoy spending nights in, eating and hanging out at home.  When I'm not staying at home, I like getting outside of cities and away from crowds (and to me, there's really no such thing as "too far" -- if I can still see buildings, we've got a ways yet to go).  But I enjoy doing all of these things with people, my people.  Nate, my family, my close circle of friends.  I've rarely done a single thing without someone in a long, long time.

I honestly don't really know what I'd do if given the chance, and that's sort of the problem, I guess.  Shouldn't I know?  Shouldn't I know what sort of activities I like to do on my own, and then be able to do them?

As part of the first week of Stratejoy's Joy Equation course, I'm going to have to spend a few hours alone doing something that's meaningful to me, and I'm having the hardest time figuring out what that something will be.  I can't really get out of the city because I'm still not very comfortable driving on freeways (don't worry, after recognizing how this has limited me, I've realized it's something that needs to change), and shopping is out of the question altogether.  My initial thoughts are to either spend my time writing or cooking, since both are things that I value in my life but that have fallen to the wayside over the last few years.  I'm also thinking of trying out a yoga class for the first time (the first time!).

Whatever it ends up being this time around, I'm hoping that hanging out with myself is something I can make a conscious effort to do more of more often.

Quarterlife Crisis, is that you? Still???

In around May of 2009, I entered what I later realized was the start of a very long quarterlife crisis.  I graduated from law school, figured out that I didn't want to become a lawyer, and lost sight of everything from there on out.   I started working in a job that had nothing to do with my major, let alone my law degree or even my interests.  I searched and searched for...I don't even know what.  Something that would click for me, you know?  Something that would make me feel the way I felt before entering the "real world," when I knew all the possibilities were still ahead of me and I was going to go out and, if not change the world than at least put my stamp on it.

I thought that I would get over myself by now.  I thought I would settle into my non-exciting life and feel...content.  I thought I would grow up, realize that those things I was hoping to find (like adventure, fulfillment, new experiences) were for 22 year olds still trying to decide whether they should take Art History 101 or Biochemistry 390.

Well, here I am in January 2011 and that still hasn't happened.  I'm still not exactly sure who I am or what I want or where I want or need to go.  I'm still not sure what kind of life I want to lead, where I want to lead it, or what I want to do while I'm living it.  It hasn't been easy these last few months, and I've found myself wondering what happened to me -- where did the girl I was, the girl I still hope I am at my core, go?

In the middle of all of this, I began stumbling upon blogs and websites by other women in their 20's who have been in or are going through similar situations, maybe not quarterlife crises, but feelings of being a little lost, a little unsure about their futures.  I can't tell you how wonderful and comforting it's been to find out that I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, and I'm not simply refusing to grow up.  One of these websites was Stratejoy (go check it out if any of this sounds even remotely familiar to you) which in hours began giving me inspiration and...hope.

And hope is pretty frickin' invaluable if you ask me.

One of the first things I read on the Stratejoy blog was a post about mind maps.  I'd never heard of a mind map before, but I immediately liked the sound of it.  Something in those words appealed to my organized nature, my desire to know myself a little better.  So, in the hopes of jump starting what I anticipate will be a lengthy journey toward rediscovering that girl I feel I lost touch with (read: myself), I decided to do a few things, the first of which was to create my very own mind map. 

So without further ado, here it is [as it stands today]: