For Japan, with Love

Because I think we've all at some point said, "I wish there was something I could do."

Quarterlife Crisis, is that you? Still???

In around May of 2009, I entered what I later realized was the start of a very long quarterlife crisis.  I graduated from law school, figured out that I didn't want to become a lawyer, and lost sight of everything from there on out.   I started working in a job that had nothing to do with my major, let alone my law degree or even my interests.  I searched and searched for...I don't even know what.  Something that would click for me, you know?  Something that would make me feel the way I felt before entering the "real world," when I knew all the possibilities were still ahead of me and I was going to go out and, if not change the world than at least put my stamp on it.

I thought that I would get over myself by now.  I thought I would settle into my non-exciting life and feel...content.  I thought I would grow up, realize that those things I was hoping to find (like adventure, fulfillment, new experiences) were for 22 year olds still trying to decide whether they should take Art History 101 or Biochemistry 390.

Well, here I am in January 2011 and that still hasn't happened.  I'm still not exactly sure who I am or what I want or where I want or need to go.  I'm still not sure what kind of life I want to lead, where I want to lead it, or what I want to do while I'm living it.  It hasn't been easy these last few months, and I've found myself wondering what happened to me -- where did the girl I was, the girl I still hope I am at my core, go?

In the middle of all of this, I began stumbling upon blogs and websites by other women in their 20's who have been in or are going through similar situations, maybe not quarterlife crises, but feelings of being a little lost, a little unsure about their futures.  I can't tell you how wonderful and comforting it's been to find out that I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, and I'm not simply refusing to grow up.  One of these websites was Stratejoy (go check it out if any of this sounds even remotely familiar to you) which in hours began giving me inspiration and...hope.

And hope is pretty frickin' invaluable if you ask me.

One of the first things I read on the Stratejoy blog was a post about mind maps.  I'd never heard of a mind map before, but I immediately liked the sound of it.  Something in those words appealed to my organized nature, my desire to know myself a little better.  So, in the hopes of jump starting what I anticipate will be a lengthy journey toward rediscovering that girl I feel I lost touch with (read: myself), I decided to do a few things, the first of which was to create my very own mind map. 

So without further ado, here it is [as it stands today]:

hope

i cried.

the road less traveled

if measured against the lives of many others i knew growing up in my small town, my life would be considered anything but ordinary.  anything but run of the mill and typical.  anything but expected.  that's how i've always wanted to live my life.  i've always wanted to do great things, adventurous things, meaningful things.  things that seem so far away from the girl i was growing up.

so it's no surprise that, when faced with this huge gaping hole in my future plans, i've come back around to that truth: i want to do great, adventurous, meaningful things.  i have some ideas about where to go with this.  nothing set in stone and even less rationally thought out.  but a starting point none-the-less.

i want to go back to school.  i know it's hard to believe since i just came out of three of the worst academic years of my life but, if nothing else, law school helped me to finally realize where i think i've been headed all along.  in light of that, i've been looking at pursuing an advanced degree in either anthropology or ethnic studies.  if i go the anthropology route i'll have to take the GRE's and eventually apply for the PhD program separately.  if i go the ethnic studies route, i won't have to take the GRE's and can go straight into an MA/PhD combined program.  in either case, i'm hoping to apply for admission in the fall of 2011.

both of these programs are as close an area of study as i'm going to find to my undergraduate major (which in a weird way combined them and is really what i'm qualified for), and both will allow me to continue learning about and researching indigenous cultures.  isn't that what i've been working toward all this time?  isn't that what i tried to transform my law school study into?  isn't that what i think of when i think of "what i would have done if i'd never gone to law school"?  yes, to all of the above.  now, do i know where having a PhD will lead me?  no.  it could be teaching, it could be working for a private organization, a museum, a library, or an ngo.  i don't know.

but i do know that i want to do it.  i just need a little time before getting started.

you see, i'm one of those people who never took time off.  i always felt that, if i did, i'd never go back to school.  so i'm hoping to take somewhat of a "gap year" now.  and i have some ideas on how to fill my time:

• [first and foremost] work for a little while so that i can save some money to do it all.
  
• a girl i know (who i've often sadly thought is living the life i've always wanted) did a summer program in which she was hired to be a group leader for a tour company that took a handful of high school students on international cultural adventure trips.  her particular trip was to australia, new zealand and fiji.  this sounds like something i'd love to do, and i've looked up the company and the application process.  i'll be applying to be a group leader next summer.
• when i was a little girl, i was so sure i was going to be an archaeologist one day.  it was all i thought about: digging through the dirt for old artifacts, bones and lost cities.  i obviously haven't gone that route, but that doesn't mean i can't find out what could have been.  there are a bunch of different programs through which people can volunteer to work for a couple of weeks on an archaeological dig in places like israel, turkey, jordan, italy, greece, scotland, etc.  there's usually a fee for volunteering, so i'll need to save some money first, but this is also on the list.
• i want to teach english abroad.  in particular, i've been looking at programs which place you in the northern territories in australia.

and when i'm in school again there are a few things i'd like to do as well.  i'll have to see what kind of schedule the particular program i'm applying for has and if they'd allow me to do them, but here they are just in case:

• apply for an internship with the UN's permanent forum on indigenous issues, based in new york city.
• apply for an internship with the unrepresented nations and peoples organization, based at the hague.
• possibly study abroad in new zealand, australia, and hawaii.  if it seems like new zealand and australia are mentioned a lot, it's because i have a particular interest in researching indigenous issues there (which i am hoping to work into a dissertation topic i've got swimming around in my head).

and in between/during/after all this, i'd like to find some time (like now) to volunteer or intern in other areas i'm interested in:

• with amnesty international
  
• with oxfam
• with americorps
• with a tribal organization
• with a publishing house
• with a magazine

this all may seem really rash to you, but it's honestly not.  being the anally organized person i am, i have a huge binder with print outs and brochures and informational packets on programs and organizations, i've emailed both the academic programs i'm considering applying for as well as the diversity office for graduate student admissions (even though it's 2 years away), and N. and i have already begun discussing it all.  i'm preparing.  i'm even thinking of making spreadsheets.

i feel very rory gilmore-ish right now.

but in all seriousness, what it came down to was this:

1. i wasn't happy with the path my life was on.  
2. so i wrote a list of the things i want to do. 
3. this is me starting to do them.

simple as that.

The Bucket List

i've been thinking a lot lately about the things i want to do versus the things i should do. whether or not those two things are mutually exclusive? i'm still figuring out. but it got me thinking of a bucket list. i wrote one for my psychology class right before graduating from high school, and stored it in my culminating psychology project which was supposed to be a look back at my life from the end of my life. (it was a very creative project). unfortunately, the project was found, but sometime in the last seven or eight years, i took the bucket list out and it has not been seen since. hence, i've written another. and i think it's useful to write another every so many years, keeping on the list the desires that still remain true, and replacing the ones that don't with new desires as you grow older.

i've tried to remember as much of the old list as possible, and have included those items in my new and improved bucket list to make sure that the record is as accurate as possible. i've crossed out the ones that i've already accomplished.

i guess it's this whole, "what do i do now?" thing that's got me realizing that these things are really important, you know? i think too often we forget about what we've also wanted to do in the face of what we feel we need to do. but the thing is, all we really need to do is lead a fulfilling life. i think you'll see where i'm going with this in my next few posts.

do you have a bucket list?

100 Things To Do Before I Die

1. graduate from college
2. travel to ireland
3. get married
4. fall in love
5. get out of hawaii
6. return to hawaii "for good"
7. do an "around the world" trip
8. sky dive at the bay of islands, NZ
9. bungee jump
10. cage dive with great white sharks
11. go zip-lining
12. work for the U.N.
13. see U2 live
14. get my PhD
15. stand next to the eiffel tower when it's lit up at night
    
16. go to the old city, jerusalem
17. see the northern lights
18. pet a tiger
19. write a novel
20. get published
21. go to cape cod and martha's vineyard
22. meet someone famous
23. wake up in positano, italy
24. study abroad
25. learn to snowboard
26. work for a magazine
27. white water rafting
28. play in the snow
29. open a bookstore/cafe
30. go on an archaeological dig
31. live in a foreign country
32. work on a ranch
33. give birth to a child
34. adopt a child
35. go to the greek island
36. go diving on the great barrier reef
37. own a home in hawaii
38. work at a wildlife reserve
39. lose 40lbs
40. get a tattoo
41. swim in the dead sea
42. raft the grand canyon
43. go to crater lake, OR
44. sky jump from the sky tower, NZ
45. take a black and white picture of the great wall of china
46. swim on a beach in tahiti
47. camp at yosemite national park
48. see the great pyramids of giza
49. go to NYC
50. ride a horse
51. work at a publishing house
52. write my dissertation on indigenous issues
53. run with the bulls in spain
54. go to the vatican
55. go rock climbing
56. learn to salsa dance
57. learn to surf
58. run another 10k
59. climb a redwood tree
60. get out of debt
61. work abroad for an ngo that fights for human rights
62. learn hula
63. have a home library
64. go to alaska
65. ring in the new year in NZ (it's the first place to experience it!)
66. own a room with a view (preferably of the ocean)
67. restore a fixer-upper
68. drink beer at oktoberfest in munich
69. go ghost hunting
70. own a horribly expensive, but utterly fabulous, pair of shoes
71. spend an entire day reading for fun
72. find a job that i love
73. grow a garden
74. go hot-air ballooning
75. trace my genealogy
76. learn to love and accept myself just as i am
77. go to a renaissance fair
78. sleep under the stars
79. write a "postsecret" letter in a bottle
80. crowd surf at a rock concert
81. visit machu picchu
82. paint a self portrait
83. bury a time capsule
84. see the ruins of a lost civilization
85. wear lingerie and feel sexy doing it
86. raft +5 rapids
87. go scuba diving
88. spend a few guiltless days doing nothing on a beach
89. take a girlfriend trip out of the country
90. hire a personal shopper/stylist for a day
91. get to know a foreign city like the back of my hand
92. visit a place i've read about in a novel
93. dance in a thunderstorm
94. watch a sunrise and sunset
95. read the Bible
96. participate in la tomatina in spain
97. learn the skill of photography
98. follow my dreams each and every time
99. ensure that everyone i love knows i love them
100. live a life of little regret
     

a simple reminder i gave to a friend

i wrote this comment on a friend's blog a couple of weeks ago, and when i re-read it i realized that this was something i needed to constantly remind myself of. so here's my reminder.

i think a large portion of [the feeling of wanting drastic changes to be made in our lives -- because for some reason we are less excited about today and tomorrow than we once were -- while simultaneously missing the simplicity of what we had when we were younger] is also just growing up. when we're younger, we have more time to live in the moment and go from interest to interest because we don't have as many [real and large] commitments that we do now. (i.e. school loans, car payments, rent, looming marriage and children, future planning, 401K's, etc.).

because i often find myself feeling the very same thing you're describing, i think there are 2 things we should both remember: 1) it really is very important to change if you need that change in your life. while that change can be scary because of those very commitments i just mentioned, if we don't allow ourselves to take that leap, we ultimately end up unhappy. and 2) we have to accept that our lives aren't going to always be exactly the way we want them, and even if we work to make our lives that way, it won't happen right away. it's okay to have periods of your life that are less exciting than others. we need those times to fully appreciate the better times. we need those times because it's when things are less the way we want them that we grow as people and learn to [cope with all of life's differences].

i guess i just mean to say that every single season of life is meaningful. and while it's important to take control of your life and make it the life we want to lead, it's also important to realize that, because life can't always be the life we want it to be, we need to find things to appreciate in the life we're leading right now.

hello, blog. i'm back

i've been absent lately, almost 2 weeks now, actually. and i have excuses to boot. but i guess that'll all be covered. i just know that a lot of what i've been thinking/feeling/seeing for the passed 14 days won't make it into this post, and that's a shame. but i won't remember it all, nor will i know how/where to fit it in so that i don't appear a mumbling mass of incoherent writer. so this post will be what it is. in absentia and all.

so my last post was on election night. there are no words to express what it is like watching history happen in front of your eyes. watching hope spring, i guess. i mean, it really is something amazing to see that simple and that complex of an emotion once you thought it dead. as sad as it is, i honestly thought hope was dead in americans. at least when it came to america. and to see it again was so encouraging. i mean, it's obvious (and the obama camp keeps saying it like a mantra) that our country is in a terrible state right now, and fixing it won't be easy, and it won't happen overnight. but the fact that americans are even hoping that it can happen at all says something in and of itself.

i'm going to admit now that i was on the fence for a while. i wanted hillary to be the democratic nominee. not because i didn't want it to be obama. but because obama didn't give me any reason not to want it to be hillary. and then when he won, i thought to myself, "okay, now show me. show me why you deserve my vote, not by default, but by policy." and on top of that, mccain has sound Indian policy, sound immigration policy, he's worked with Hawaii senators on issues for Native Hawaiians, and his history as a vet (though by now I think everyone's sick of it, but at the time...) did make an impression on me. but then palin happened. and, oh, she happened big.

i have never, in my life, been so afraid of the american people. i was terrified that they would vote her into office. now, i'm not the jon stewart type of girl, okay? i generally dislike when people make any kind of fun of others. and i really dislike when they make money off of it. does no one else find this rude and...unclassy? anyway, regardless of this personality quirk of mine, can i just say how tina fey became my overnight hero? those skits...wow. tina fey single-handedly immortalized the idiocy that was palin-for-vice-president.

and, i mean, come on! palin over biden?! really?! i love biden. i think he's going to be amazing. and that choice, in the end, is what solidified the obama vote for me. even over the palin-upchuck-reflex. for me, obama choosing biden said, "hey, this guy may not have experience, but he's smart enough to recognize his weaknesses and plan accordingly. he'll surround himself with people who's strengths he can play off of. he's already making great decisions."

and so obama got my vote. and i voted in what is undoubtedly the most historic presidential election our country has seen yet.

but in the midst of this amazing win for america's future (fingers crossed!), came the california prop 8 vote.

now, i'm not a california voter, and i was really glad i wasn't. because, and i know this may be hard for some to hear, but i'm not sure how i would have voted, and i probably would have left that box blank.

it's a really difficult position for me to be in. because on one hand, i'm the type of person who respects the law enough that i think legislating my religious beliefs on another is not acceptable. they are my beliefs, and not anyone elses. we have civil rights for a reason: because everyone, no matter what, should be treated equally. not allowing someone to marry because of who they are marrying is not equality.

but on the other hand, these are my beliefs. well, they should be. i grew up in a very christian family. my aunt and grandmother are pastors, for crying out loud. my step mother is ordained. whenever i come to my father with a problem, i can almost count on this being the first answer i hear: "well, you need to pray about it, baby. you know, only the lord knows the right answer." so it becomes difficult when faced with a decision that invokes all of these religious ties, and when you grow up learning that, from that perspective, this is wrong. and while no one should be able to legislate their beliefs on someone else, isn't that why we're a democracy? so that it's not one person's beliefs becoming law? but rather, it's the majority's opinion, religious or no. the problem, i guess, arises when so much of the country is of one religious persuasion.

so i guess i wanted to ask God what he believes is right. do we deny people their happiness? their opportunity to be just like the rest of us? is that what he wanted? and if so, why? why were people created in ways that would deny them their rights? what did He mean by doing this?

do you think we'll ever get our answers? isn't that what faith is? the belief that He's already given you the answers? am i just looking for an easy way out?

i told you i had some complicated things to write. :)

things have sort of finally settled down though, and i'm glad. i'm not sure how much more i could have taken. the reason i haven't blogged in a while was because i've been in trial mode. i had my culminating event for my trial practice class this passed weekend. that event was a three hour trial. i was on a firm of 3, defense-counsel, and for my part, i had to do 2 cross-exams of plaintiff's experts, one 776 exam of an adverse witness, and one direct examination.

i can say two things about this first trial experience of mine:

first, i was not cut out to be a trial lawyer. it's just honest-to-goodness not in me. i don't thrive in that kind of pressured environment. i dislike the subtle, underhanded hostility that goes on between plaintiff's counsel and defense counsel. you know that feeling that you're told you'll get? the adrenaline feeling that you'll crave after the first time you try it? yeah, i don't feel that. i feel slightly sick each time i think of having to ever go to trial. to ever stand in front of a bunch of strangers and convince them that i'm right, while someone else is trying to convince them that i'm wrong and i can't just turn to that person and say, "shove it!" the procedure of trials themselves are just mind-boggling. and the stress is quite frankly not worth it.

second, if i were ever going to do this again? i'd be a rockstar at cross-exams. they say that you can tell what kind of trial lawyering style you'd have after the very first time. they're right. i'm great at crosses because i can attack someone without seeming to attack them. my boyfriend watched me during the trial and said he felt pity for the people i crossed, because they didn't know what was coming. i just sweetly box them in, and box them in, and box them in, until i finally have them exactly where i want them, and then i ruin them. it's because i have a sweet and shy sort of personality (in front of strangers. i should make that clarification because my friends are laughing their asses off in disbelief right now.). the cross is sort of like lulling the witness into complacency, and then impeaching them. and it helps knowing that i know every single answer they're going to give me.

while gearing up for the trial, i found myself thinking one night on the commute home about how amazing the human body is. i mean, speaking of my body, i'm constantly amazed at how much it can endure. how much it can...stretch...to accommodate the crap i do to it. and not just the body like, the muscles or bones or tissues and stuff. but more specifically, the mind. i mean, i don't think it's a secret that i've felt like i'm being held together by fraying thread at the moment. and last week, i think i cried on nearly every commute home. most of the time because of the sheer exhaustion of having to think about a million things at once and not knowing what to do about any of them. and the fact that i was able to deal enough to do a trial just really made me appreciate my body and mind more. and made me wonder where my limits are. because if these aren't it, was i made to withstand more? am i going to have to?

there's this carrie underwood song where the lyrics say something about the mountain you've been climbing being just a grain of sand. what a thought.

and speaking of carrie underwood. i went to her concert saturday night as a "congratulations, you survived trial practice!" with M. it was great. i miss going to shows. B. and i are planning on making more time for them next semester. i'm glad. i feel like i'm making moves to reclaim the part of me that i regret losing at some point.

and i guess that's as good an update as any for the night! it feels good to get it all down again.

hello, blog. i missed you, too.



reminders for future posts:

favorite lines from songs
twilight movie review
sad/happy playlists

lifestyles of the rich and famous

well, not really rich and famous. just me.

so i've been contemplating a lifestyle change over the passed couple of months. just in terms of my weight and health mostly. i think lawschool has shown me that i really need to take care of myself, and though my definition of a healthy lifestyle definitely differs from other people (i.e. i don't see a problem with drinking energy drinks, i have a weakness for soda that i'm not sure i can give up, and breakfast just isn't that important to me), there are certain things even i recognize need to be changed.

it started out slowly at first, with little changes i would hardly even notice. for example, i allow myself to eat fast food only once a month now, if ever. no micky D's, no burger king, no wendy's on the daily. just once a month. and then, only if that once a month happens to occur because nothing else is open (this usually happens when i get home from class too late). i used to buy bottles of water and keep those on hand because i've noticed that part of the reason i drink so much soda is because it's convenient. you know, open the fridge, grab a can, and off you go. so the whole act of getting a glass, pouring water, refilling the pitcher, then having to wash the glass, seems pointless when you can just have the ease of a soda can/bottle. i've stopped doing that because i went broke, but i think i should start it up again, since i was definitely drinking more water then than i am now. i also used to snack on veggies. i mean, i generally don't snack period, but i think it was better for my metabolism when i was snacking, and the snacking was on cucumbers and carrots.

so here's my plan so far: N. and i have (for the most part) cut out a large portion of the red meat we're eating. this is thanks to the Quints, who i saw this passed weekend. alex and pukui used to be vegetarians (i think alex still is...), and le'a is definitely a vegetarian now. and it was just inspiring i guess. especially talking to le'a and hearing about the foods she's substituted, etc. but N. and i are carnivores at heart, so we've decided not to go cold turkey. after all, let's face it, nothing's better than some rib-eye right off the grill! so we're allowing ourselves red meat once a week. i think he'll probably allow himself chicken as well, but i'm trying to eat less of meat and poultry altogether. so we'll see how we do without cow, pig, and bird. we'll eat a lot of fish. and i've started grilling/roasting a lot of squash and zucchini (yum!), which is great. i also think i'll start buying more fresh veggies and putting them in little baggies or zip lock containers for snacking. you know, kinda like portion control?

that's the biggy: portion control. i eat a lot at dinnertime. it's because i generally don't eat breakfast, and i've started eating salads for lunch. and i don't snack. so by dinnertime, i'm halfway to starving. and i overeat. it'll help that the overeating is done if veggies and stuff, but still...overeating is never good. so i'll have to watch my portion control.

oh! i also think i've convinced N. to allow me to mix our [sacred...lol] white rice with brown rice. my mom does it, and my older sister eats brown rice whenever her hubby isn't around, and i think it would help. N. was not too happy about that at first, but i think he'll come around.

i'll be seeing a nutritionist soon so we'll see what he/she says...

as far as exercising goes...well...hmmm. N. and i said we wanted to start hiking more, and that can happen beginning next week because i'll be done with work for the summer. my doctor also said i should get a gym membership and start working out for real (i.e. not just walking on the treadmill at home). she's right, i know she's right. but i hate exercising! oh well, we'll see how it goes. if i get a gym membership, i have to go, because otherwise i'm just paying a monthly "fat tax." (some clever comedian called it that and i loved it). *sigh*

anyhow. yeah. i guess there just comes a time when you realize that, though the crash dieting and the starving yourself works for a little while, (and it does work, regardless of what people say) in the end you're better of not depriving yourself. you should just change your habits and alter the things you crave so that the deprivation (aka the healthy lifestyle) doesn't feel so much like punishment. so that's what i'm trying to do this time around.

we'll see how it goes.

hah!

drum roll please...

today i got offered a position at the firm for the entire school year! woot-woot! lol. so one of the partners walks into my office and tells me that everyone is really pleased with the work i've been doing so they've decided to see if i would consider staying on the academic school year. they'll be flexible with my hours, i probably won't work more than 15-20 hours each week, i can work from home or school some days if that's better for my schedule, i can get paid or credit or both if USF will let me, and it's just PERFECT!

*sigh* sometimes, things just...work out.

old habits die hard

bad habits are so hard to break. what's your bad habit?

then again, it's not so hard to start new, better habits either. i started going to church again. forgot how much i missed it. how important that part of my life is to me. it's easy to forget when you think you can handle everything on your own. not so easy to forget when you finally realize you really can't.

so here's a note to myself for future reference: it's okay to not know what to do. it's okay to need help, direction, advice, objectivity, sympathy, comfort (yeah, that's the hardest, isn't it?). it's okay to...need something/someone other than yourself.

baby steps. baby steps are a good start on your way anywhere. or so i've heard.

in any case, i'm at the halfway point in this self-imposed 3-year crisis. that's got to say something, doesn't it? i like to think so.

so yay for me.




and about those bad habits? you'll grow out of it one day.

hopefully.

the things no one ever told you

- your second year of law school will be worse than the first
- you have no idea what your limits are, and you never will
- there are levels of exhaustion, stress, and depression you never thought you could reach. then you go to law school and reach them.
- there are people that will love you even when you're such a bitch that you don't even love yourself.
- being selfish is necessary. we are all selfish by nature.
- being argumentative isn't always a plus. even when you're a lawyer. learn to shut-up.
- you're pretty to someone, even on your worst day.
- you can miss what you've never had, never seen, never touched, and never tasted.
- we make ourselves lonely. we can make ourselves un-lonely too.
- it's okay to shop when you're angry. or bored. or sad. or excited. it's almost always okay to shop. the only exception is when you're broke.
- babies make everyone happy.
- realizing you're "not ready" is perfectly normal.
- the smallest things in your day have a trickle-down effect until they start to impact the largest things in your life.
- a temper can be a beautifully dangerous thing.
- dreams come true. they just don't come true on their own.
- friends and lovers can cure anything and everything.
- there is always a silver lining. always. that's God's way of helping us cope.

tbc...