No One Said It Would Be Easy (Part Deux)

Yesterday's post was about me trying to navigate through my feelings of disappointment (and anger, if I'm perfectly honest) over my own laziness and loss of motivation/inspiration when it came to this journey I'm taking toward...self-improvement, I guess?  It was about me trying to understand that -- contrary to my own instant-gratification-perfection-seeking-ideas -- it's okay if this journey takes me a little more time than I would have liked, and it's okay if I experience some set-backs.  It was about cutting myself some slack, which is probably something we all could do for ourselves a little more often, don't you think?

Anyway, so after writing this post yesterday, I set about trying to identify things in my life that would re-inspire and re-motivate me to pick myself up again after 2 weeks of desolation and get started once more.  What were some of the things I could turn to or do that would inject some much needed omph back into my life when I find myself in the middle of those days when I just don't want to participate in anything unless it includes sitting under a pile of really comfy blankets on my couch wearing my favorite sweats, eating my favorite foods and watching some probably crappy TV?  Here's what I came up with (and I would love, love, love any more ideas or suggestions!):

Talking to inspirational peeps: Yesterday was one of those interesting days where it's confirmed that things happen in their own time for very specific reasons.  I mean, there I was trying to find things in my life that inspire me and all of a sudden I have a phone date with one of my closest friends who also happens to be one of the few real-life people that never fails to be inspirational for me in some way, shape or form.  (This is noteworthy because she and I talk maybe once every few months and yesterday's call was sort of random.)  This girl is beautiful in so many ways, but the way in which she inspires and motivates me most is in her love of the outdoors and her active lifestyle.  When Nate and I visited her and her boyfriend in Denver last summer, I was continuously struck by how healthy and active and open her life was.  They walk or bike everywhere, they hike a lot, the mountains are like, right there at all times, they eat well and they have this happy, full life without having to spend thousands of dollars on it (she's admirably frugal too).  And every time I talk to her or see her, I'm reminded of how much more effort I want to put into being healthier and more active and much, much more in touch with the outdoors.  These are things I want, things I love and she's an example of making those things a priority. 

Nerding out on inspirational reads: The thing you need to realize about me is that I'm a student at heart.  I love learning and reading and thinking.  When I want to figure out how to do something, I will almost always find a book on the subject that I can devour.  So it's no surprise really that, when I want to up the ante on inspiration, I would head straight for those stacks and grab books like Tracy Kidder's Mountains Beyond Mountains.  More recently though, I've been into reading self-help/nonfiction books, blogs, old entrees in my journal, and even Twitter and Facebook (particularly the updates from former high school classmates that now make me so thankful for the choices I made -- and want to continue making -- in my life).  Some of those reads include: Stratejoy (obviously...that site is like this never-ending well of motivation, camaraderie and support), Ramit Sethi's I Will Teach You To Be Rich, Mark Bittman's Food Matters, Women's Health Magazine, Lauren Conrad Style (because not everything has to be super serious.  No judging.) and much, much more.  If you have any suggestions for some added reading (fiction too), please let me know!  I'm always looking for something new to check out! 

Trading in my melancholy music for some inspiration:  Okay, so I'm not giving up my mellow fav's wholesale, but I do think there's something to be said about music affecting a person's moods.  And call me crazy, but I don't think I'm going to feel like getting out of my cozy nest of a couch and making moves while listening to Band of Horses (though they're good for practically everything else.  I <3 you, BoH.).  So I created a "pick me up" playlist which, while it admittedly destroys any street or indie cred I might have ever hoped to possess, seriously does make me smile.  It's not as upbeat as you may think (that's reserved for my "dance party at my desk" playlist), but every song makes me feel either: A) lighthearted, B) grateful, C) motivated, or D) calm and relaxed without being dejected.  Overall, it's a pretty good mix of pop, folk, country and a tiny bit of rock and church.  I've been listening to it a lot in order to get my ass moving some things like journaling regularly, reaching out to friends and making plans, anything.  Here's a little sampling of what this playlist looks like (click on the image for a closer look):

What inspires you?

For Japan, with Love

Because I think we've all at some point said, "I wish there was something I could do."

Not Another Empty Promise

I find myself writing posts like this fairly often: posts which list the things I want to start doing or the goals I've thought up for myself.  I write them almost once a month (if not more) but, unfortunately as has been my experience, I rarely seem to follow-through with these grand plans of mine.  As many of you may know by now, this is unlike me.  I generally don't not finish things and, in fact, I'm almost obnoxious in my stubbornness to see things through (case in point: law school).  But for some reason, when it comes to positive changes in my life that will benefit me most of all, I just can't finish.

To be clear, I don't think not wanting to do has ever been my problem.  I think, instead, my problem has generally been a slow decrease in motivation, in inspiration.  I don't often feel inspired (or remain that way for very long), and that's been a struggle I've had for a while now to the point where, when I try to do something or see something through (especially if that something is a creative project), it's felt forced.  And that's the last thing you want to feel when you're trying to create something organic and natural and beautiful.

But things have been a little different in the last couple of weeks, and I've felt inspired in a number of areas of my life.  Lately, people around me have been doing, have been living and having, and it's been wonderful to see and share in.  So wonderful, in fact, that I've realized I want it for myself, you know?  I want to do and live and have, and I want my inspiration, my happiness and satisfaction to be contagious to others as well.  And, most of all, I want these feelings to produce something fulfilling and sustainable.

Now, not all of these things (if any) are novel ideas for me.  As I've said, I write posts like this one a lot.  So instead of saying "here are the things I'm inspired to do," let me just say that these are some of the areas of my life that I'd like to continue to improve upon in a more active (much less passive) sort of way:

Taking control of my health and habits by recommitting to going to the gym (like blogging, my exercise habits were something that also suffered when work hit the fan), by paying more attention to the food I'm eating and, perhaps, beginning to make changes in my diet as well, and by living a more active, outdoor lifestyle (since being outside and away from cities has been one of the biggest stress relievers I've found in the last year or two). 

Seeking out opportunities for both graduate school (see yesterday's post), and other areas of my life that I've recently felt I've been neglecting.  For example, I've officially enrolled in a few community college night classes for the fall just...because (cultural anthropology and archaeology, in case you were wondering).  I've also begun researching the possibility of doing some of the things I highlighted a while ago when I wrote about the road less traveled.  I'm not sure how to work much of that into my current situation, but there's no harm in trying!  And finally, I found a job I'd actually like to apply for!  While this may not really sound like cause of celebration, this is a huge step for me, and it's finally one in the right direction. 

Recommitting to getting out of debt.  You may have noticed that I haven't recently written about blogging through my debt, and the reason is because it's been a real struggle lately to not get into debt (and, if I'm honest, I wasn't on the winning side of that struggle and am now several hundred dollars more in debt than I was a few months ago).

Paying more attention to the under-utilized creative half of my brain.  I'm not sure what this will entail yet because I've been wanting to do so many things lately (write, paint, redesign my blog, take a photography class, redecorate our house, bake), but I also feel like trying to do it all at once will be overwhelming and, in the end, unsuccessful.  So I'm taking a page out of N.'s book and focusing on only one of those things for a while before moving on.  I haven't yet decided what that one thing will be, but I plan on thinking it over and writing more about it in the next day or two.  To help me out with this last point in particular, I've decided to take part in a Creative Challenge, issued by Ashley over at Writing To Reach You.  If you're at all interested in reading about the Challenge or (hopefully!) taking part in it for the month of July, please head over to her blog and check out the details (ball gets rolling this week, so hurry!).  I'll post more about this soon!

What I'm hoping will come out of all of this is, funnily enough, not another blog post.  I don't want to find myself writing the same promises to myself in three months.  Instead, I want to be able to update you all on the progress I've made, on the things I've done, and on the new plans I have.  That, in and of itself, is the challenge I issue to myself: do something great, and follow-through!

project central

i've been in a very artsy mood lately. i want to redecorate every room in my house. i want to paint. i want to go to thrift stores, buy up the world, and refurbish to my delight. i have some projects lined up that i'm looking forward to (though nothing is for sure yet...must run it by the pack mule
boyfriend). i guess i need to fill my time somehow, right?

but in my search for diy project ideas online (particularly while visiting the extremely awesome creature comforts), i came across this:

which, considering the photographer is only 14 years old (14!), made me feel unartistic and completely untalented. lol. more of her stuff can be found here. it really is beautiful.

anyhow, some of the things i want to get to over the next couple of...days? weeks?...however long i'm going to be unemployed (urgh, so frustrating!):

• create my own one of these, so i don't have to pay $40 for it at the moment.  i do, however, plan to buy one of the originals from madebygirl as soon as i can afford it.  i suggest everyone check out both her blog and her etsy shop!
  
• somehow redecorate our home office/guest room. right now there's a colossal and ugly futon couch in it that we bought off of craigslist when we moved in a few months ago. i hate it. the space it takes up makes it impossible to rearrange the office EVER. i'm secretly plotting it's untimely demise. N. has no idea and will probably be unhappy about it. but it needs to be done. i want to replace it with a cushy overstuffed chair and table (which is fantasy at this point since i have no income), and move some of the furniture around. it's just too cluttered. papers everywhere. N.'s crap in crates and overflowing from his file cabinet. a broken shelf. case in point: right this second, i am sitting at my desk on my laptop and can see about a square inch of the desk surface. it's disgusting.
• create my own one of these too, except i want to put a quote from "wuthering heights" in it. you know the one: "What were the use of my creation, if I were entirely contained here? My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries, and I watched and felt each from the beginning; my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger." i have the canvas and paint (all free!), and just need to start.
• fix up our wall art around the house. it's all sort of mish-mashed right now, sort of off-center of things. i mean, i love the pieces we have -- lots of asian script (compliments of N. being chinese, as well as our trip to hong kong a couple summers ago), northwest tribal art we bought on the s'klallam rez over our last couple of trips up to washington, some framed cards, a wall hanging friends got us from israel, etc. -- but i'd luuuuuurve to do something like this with it all. (yes, at this point i may as well just move into this ladies house, i love it so much)
• do some very necessary yard work. we have a huge back yard, dominated by an equally huge oak tree. because of this oak tree and the shade it creates, we have no grass. that being said, i have to find a replacement ground cover (because both finn the dog and i hate the wood chips currently strewn around) suitable for shady areas and a dog running around. i want to do large pavers and then buckets and boxes of ferns, shade-appropriate flowers, and an herb garden. i also want to hang some bird feeders, build a bat house to help with the mosquito's (we live near a creek), and string white lights or lanterns from our porch and the oak tree. this, as you may have guessed, will cost MONEY. so it will be the last project i tackle.
• finally: two weekends ago, N. and i went to check out some thrift and goodwill stores and i hit the motherload: a pair of 7's in my size for only $4!!! this is my very first pair, and i won't deny that i've got some serious back-patting going on over the fact that i got it that cheap. yay me! but i want to change them into skinny jeans, so that's on my to-do list.

i'm taking more diy suggestions/ideas, or blogs to refer to if you've got them. or i'd just love to hear what you've been up to!

The Bucket List

i've been thinking a lot lately about the things i want to do versus the things i should do. whether or not those two things are mutually exclusive? i'm still figuring out. but it got me thinking of a bucket list. i wrote one for my psychology class right before graduating from high school, and stored it in my culminating psychology project which was supposed to be a look back at my life from the end of my life. (it was a very creative project). unfortunately, the project was found, but sometime in the last seven or eight years, i took the bucket list out and it has not been seen since. hence, i've written another. and i think it's useful to write another every so many years, keeping on the list the desires that still remain true, and replacing the ones that don't with new desires as you grow older.

i've tried to remember as much of the old list as possible, and have included those items in my new and improved bucket list to make sure that the record is as accurate as possible. i've crossed out the ones that i've already accomplished.

i guess it's this whole, "what do i do now?" thing that's got me realizing that these things are really important, you know? i think too often we forget about what we've also wanted to do in the face of what we feel we need to do. but the thing is, all we really need to do is lead a fulfilling life. i think you'll see where i'm going with this in my next few posts.

do you have a bucket list?

100 Things To Do Before I Die

1. graduate from college
2. travel to ireland
3. get married
4. fall in love
5. get out of hawaii
6. return to hawaii "for good"
7. do an "around the world" trip
8. sky dive at the bay of islands, NZ
9. bungee jump
10. cage dive with great white sharks
11. go zip-lining
12. work for the U.N.
13. see U2 live
14. get my PhD
15. stand next to the eiffel tower when it's lit up at night
    
16. go to the old city, jerusalem
17. see the northern lights
18. pet a tiger
19. write a novel
20. get published
21. go to cape cod and martha's vineyard
22. meet someone famous
23. wake up in positano, italy
24. study abroad
25. learn to snowboard
26. work for a magazine
27. white water rafting
28. play in the snow
29. open a bookstore/cafe
30. go on an archaeological dig
31. live in a foreign country
32. work on a ranch
33. give birth to a child
34. adopt a child
35. go to the greek island
36. go diving on the great barrier reef
37. own a home in hawaii
38. work at a wildlife reserve
39. lose 40lbs
40. get a tattoo
41. swim in the dead sea
42. raft the grand canyon
43. go to crater lake, OR
44. sky jump from the sky tower, NZ
45. take a black and white picture of the great wall of china
46. swim on a beach in tahiti
47. camp at yosemite national park
48. see the great pyramids of giza
49. go to NYC
50. ride a horse
51. work at a publishing house
52. write my dissertation on indigenous issues
53. run with the bulls in spain
54. go to the vatican
55. go rock climbing
56. learn to salsa dance
57. learn to surf
58. run another 10k
59. climb a redwood tree
60. get out of debt
61. work abroad for an ngo that fights for human rights
62. learn hula
63. have a home library
64. go to alaska
65. ring in the new year in NZ (it's the first place to experience it!)
66. own a room with a view (preferably of the ocean)
67. restore a fixer-upper
68. drink beer at oktoberfest in munich
69. go ghost hunting
70. own a horribly expensive, but utterly fabulous, pair of shoes
71. spend an entire day reading for fun
72. find a job that i love
73. grow a garden
74. go hot-air ballooning
75. trace my genealogy
76. learn to love and accept myself just as i am
77. go to a renaissance fair
78. sleep under the stars
79. write a "postsecret" letter in a bottle
80. crowd surf at a rock concert
81. visit machu picchu
82. paint a self portrait
83. bury a time capsule
84. see the ruins of a lost civilization
85. wear lingerie and feel sexy doing it
86. raft +5 rapids
87. go scuba diving
88. spend a few guiltless days doing nothing on a beach
89. take a girlfriend trip out of the country
90. hire a personal shopper/stylist for a day
91. get to know a foreign city like the back of my hand
92. visit a place i've read about in a novel
93. dance in a thunderstorm
94. watch a sunrise and sunset
95. read the Bible
96. participate in la tomatina in spain
97. learn the skill of photography
98. follow my dreams each and every time
99. ensure that everyone i love knows i love them
100. live a life of little regret
     

a simple reminder i gave to a friend

i wrote this comment on a friend's blog a couple of weeks ago, and when i re-read it i realized that this was something i needed to constantly remind myself of. so here's my reminder.

i think a large portion of [the feeling of wanting drastic changes to be made in our lives -- because for some reason we are less excited about today and tomorrow than we once were -- while simultaneously missing the simplicity of what we had when we were younger] is also just growing up. when we're younger, we have more time to live in the moment and go from interest to interest because we don't have as many [real and large] commitments that we do now. (i.e. school loans, car payments, rent, looming marriage and children, future planning, 401K's, etc.).

because i often find myself feeling the very same thing you're describing, i think there are 2 things we should both remember: 1) it really is very important to change if you need that change in your life. while that change can be scary because of those very commitments i just mentioned, if we don't allow ourselves to take that leap, we ultimately end up unhappy. and 2) we have to accept that our lives aren't going to always be exactly the way we want them, and even if we work to make our lives that way, it won't happen right away. it's okay to have periods of your life that are less exciting than others. we need those times to fully appreciate the better times. we need those times because it's when things are less the way we want them that we grow as people and learn to [cope with all of life's differences].

i guess i just mean to say that every single season of life is meaningful. and while it's important to take control of your life and make it the life we want to lead, it's also important to realize that, because life can't always be the life we want it to be, we need to find things to appreciate in the life we're leading right now.

hello, blog. i'm back

i've been absent lately, almost 2 weeks now, actually. and i have excuses to boot. but i guess that'll all be covered. i just know that a lot of what i've been thinking/feeling/seeing for the passed 14 days won't make it into this post, and that's a shame. but i won't remember it all, nor will i know how/where to fit it in so that i don't appear a mumbling mass of incoherent writer. so this post will be what it is. in absentia and all.

so my last post was on election night. there are no words to express what it is like watching history happen in front of your eyes. watching hope spring, i guess. i mean, it really is something amazing to see that simple and that complex of an emotion once you thought it dead. as sad as it is, i honestly thought hope was dead in americans. at least when it came to america. and to see it again was so encouraging. i mean, it's obvious (and the obama camp keeps saying it like a mantra) that our country is in a terrible state right now, and fixing it won't be easy, and it won't happen overnight. but the fact that americans are even hoping that it can happen at all says something in and of itself.

i'm going to admit now that i was on the fence for a while. i wanted hillary to be the democratic nominee. not because i didn't want it to be obama. but because obama didn't give me any reason not to want it to be hillary. and then when he won, i thought to myself, "okay, now show me. show me why you deserve my vote, not by default, but by policy." and on top of that, mccain has sound Indian policy, sound immigration policy, he's worked with Hawaii senators on issues for Native Hawaiians, and his history as a vet (though by now I think everyone's sick of it, but at the time...) did make an impression on me. but then palin happened. and, oh, she happened big.

i have never, in my life, been so afraid of the american people. i was terrified that they would vote her into office. now, i'm not the jon stewart type of girl, okay? i generally dislike when people make any kind of fun of others. and i really dislike when they make money off of it. does no one else find this rude and...unclassy? anyway, regardless of this personality quirk of mine, can i just say how tina fey became my overnight hero? those skits...wow. tina fey single-handedly immortalized the idiocy that was palin-for-vice-president.

and, i mean, come on! palin over biden?! really?! i love biden. i think he's going to be amazing. and that choice, in the end, is what solidified the obama vote for me. even over the palin-upchuck-reflex. for me, obama choosing biden said, "hey, this guy may not have experience, but he's smart enough to recognize his weaknesses and plan accordingly. he'll surround himself with people who's strengths he can play off of. he's already making great decisions."

and so obama got my vote. and i voted in what is undoubtedly the most historic presidential election our country has seen yet.

but in the midst of this amazing win for america's future (fingers crossed!), came the california prop 8 vote.

now, i'm not a california voter, and i was really glad i wasn't. because, and i know this may be hard for some to hear, but i'm not sure how i would have voted, and i probably would have left that box blank.

it's a really difficult position for me to be in. because on one hand, i'm the type of person who respects the law enough that i think legislating my religious beliefs on another is not acceptable. they are my beliefs, and not anyone elses. we have civil rights for a reason: because everyone, no matter what, should be treated equally. not allowing someone to marry because of who they are marrying is not equality.

but on the other hand, these are my beliefs. well, they should be. i grew up in a very christian family. my aunt and grandmother are pastors, for crying out loud. my step mother is ordained. whenever i come to my father with a problem, i can almost count on this being the first answer i hear: "well, you need to pray about it, baby. you know, only the lord knows the right answer." so it becomes difficult when faced with a decision that invokes all of these religious ties, and when you grow up learning that, from that perspective, this is wrong. and while no one should be able to legislate their beliefs on someone else, isn't that why we're a democracy? so that it's not one person's beliefs becoming law? but rather, it's the majority's opinion, religious or no. the problem, i guess, arises when so much of the country is of one religious persuasion.

so i guess i wanted to ask God what he believes is right. do we deny people their happiness? their opportunity to be just like the rest of us? is that what he wanted? and if so, why? why were people created in ways that would deny them their rights? what did He mean by doing this?

do you think we'll ever get our answers? isn't that what faith is? the belief that He's already given you the answers? am i just looking for an easy way out?

i told you i had some complicated things to write. :)

things have sort of finally settled down though, and i'm glad. i'm not sure how much more i could have taken. the reason i haven't blogged in a while was because i've been in trial mode. i had my culminating event for my trial practice class this passed weekend. that event was a three hour trial. i was on a firm of 3, defense-counsel, and for my part, i had to do 2 cross-exams of plaintiff's experts, one 776 exam of an adverse witness, and one direct examination.

i can say two things about this first trial experience of mine:

first, i was not cut out to be a trial lawyer. it's just honest-to-goodness not in me. i don't thrive in that kind of pressured environment. i dislike the subtle, underhanded hostility that goes on between plaintiff's counsel and defense counsel. you know that feeling that you're told you'll get? the adrenaline feeling that you'll crave after the first time you try it? yeah, i don't feel that. i feel slightly sick each time i think of having to ever go to trial. to ever stand in front of a bunch of strangers and convince them that i'm right, while someone else is trying to convince them that i'm wrong and i can't just turn to that person and say, "shove it!" the procedure of trials themselves are just mind-boggling. and the stress is quite frankly not worth it.

second, if i were ever going to do this again? i'd be a rockstar at cross-exams. they say that you can tell what kind of trial lawyering style you'd have after the very first time. they're right. i'm great at crosses because i can attack someone without seeming to attack them. my boyfriend watched me during the trial and said he felt pity for the people i crossed, because they didn't know what was coming. i just sweetly box them in, and box them in, and box them in, until i finally have them exactly where i want them, and then i ruin them. it's because i have a sweet and shy sort of personality (in front of strangers. i should make that clarification because my friends are laughing their asses off in disbelief right now.). the cross is sort of like lulling the witness into complacency, and then impeaching them. and it helps knowing that i know every single answer they're going to give me.

while gearing up for the trial, i found myself thinking one night on the commute home about how amazing the human body is. i mean, speaking of my body, i'm constantly amazed at how much it can endure. how much it can...stretch...to accommodate the crap i do to it. and not just the body like, the muscles or bones or tissues and stuff. but more specifically, the mind. i mean, i don't think it's a secret that i've felt like i'm being held together by fraying thread at the moment. and last week, i think i cried on nearly every commute home. most of the time because of the sheer exhaustion of having to think about a million things at once and not knowing what to do about any of them. and the fact that i was able to deal enough to do a trial just really made me appreciate my body and mind more. and made me wonder where my limits are. because if these aren't it, was i made to withstand more? am i going to have to?

there's this carrie underwood song where the lyrics say something about the mountain you've been climbing being just a grain of sand. what a thought.

and speaking of carrie underwood. i went to her concert saturday night as a "congratulations, you survived trial practice!" with M. it was great. i miss going to shows. B. and i are planning on making more time for them next semester. i'm glad. i feel like i'm making moves to reclaim the part of me that i regret losing at some point.

and i guess that's as good an update as any for the night! it feels good to get it all down again.

hello, blog. i missed you, too.



reminders for future posts:

favorite lines from songs
twilight movie review
sad/happy playlists

FINALLY!!!

OBAMAMAMAMMAMAMAMAMAMA!!!!!!!

here's to our new PRESIDENT!!

mid-day update

so two things for this mid-day update, i guess.

FIRST:


and SECOND, a little inspiration from ms. rhea:

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

time capsule

found this while searching to no avail through the bowels of one of my email accounts for something or other.

one of the dean's at UW pointed this out to me before i graduated, and i in turn emailed it to all of my friends.

i'm posting it here to remind myself of something i so often and easily forget: perspective.

Stanford Report, June 14, 2005

'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says

This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky – I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me – I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.