I'm not the kind of girl who has a lot of crushes. In fact, between high school and now I've probably had only four, including Nate. My friends always said that, while I didn't fall easy, when I did I fell hard. So up until Nate, I hadn't ever really dated anyone (though admittedly there were a few drunken mistakes...it was college after all) and, before him, none of my crushes mattered to me quite as much as my High School Crush did.
He is the boy I've previously said we will never mention. Ever. I learned long ago that every single time his name crossed my lips it was apparently a clear signal that my brain could stop all rational thinking. I babbled and said ridiculous things that left me cringing hours later. I stared. I probably drooled. So the day I graduated from high school was the day I stopped saying his name out loud, stopped letting my emotions get the better of me when it comes to men, stopped dissecting words and actions like they were body parts. HS crush was no longer in my vocabulary, and the way I acted when I was around him was no longer acceptable in my new and improved life.
So there.
I'm only breaking my silence now because something strange has been happening lately. I've been dreaming about him. I've probably had five dreams about him in the past six months. That's more than I've had in the past six years. The dreams mimic different parts of the relationship we had (which wasn't an actual relationship at all) as well as the relationship I'd wanted. In the dreams we flirt like we did, he makes the same gestures he always made, we laugh at the same old jokes and I get the same butterflies every time he speaks. Sometimes, we kiss. I've never kissed him but I think I've kissed enough now to know that these are good kisses.
I wake up missing him and wondering what his life has been like since the last time I saw him, the morning after my self-imposed HS crush hiatus.
I wake up feeling seventeen again.
He never thought of me in the same way I thought of him. I actually think he thought of one of my best friends the way I wanted him to think of me. So like any self-respecting teenage girl, I completely blew everything having to do with him out of proportion until it reached suitable gargantuan levels of lunacy and drama. But I left HS crush behind knowing that he'd always been that guy. The guy that I would write about eight years later (God, has it really been eight years?), the guy I would surreptitiously ask questions about from friends I know who know him. The guy I would search for every so often on Facebook.
The guy who got away.
Having these dreams makes me feel disloyal to Nate and our relationship. It's stupid I know, but I feel that way in the morning when I wake up. I shouldn't be having dreams of other boys, you know?
But I still wonder, and I still ask around. I can't seem to help it. He's just that guy.
Showing posts with label high school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label high school. Show all posts
September 14, 2010
February 17, 2010
friendship file: K
i'm not going to say the "the jane austen book club" is my favorite movie (because it's not), but i will say that i kind of love it. aside from the fact that its a movie about lives paralleling fiction, which is always good, there's just some great lines in it. my favorite has to be prudie's (emily blunt) heartfelt, "high school's never over." it's just so true in so many cases.
i've been friends with K. over at the artist in the ambulance since i was twelve years old. we actually first met in the fifth grade when we were both part of this summer program called "explorations," during which kids spent a week in the dorms of what was to become my future high school, and learned more about hawaiian culture. my first memory of her is when we first arrived and were unloading our suitcases and bags from the bus. i saw this girl, and she was one of the few people from kauai, but i remember clearly that i thought she was really pretty and had a really cool billabong or quicksilver duffel bag. the things we remember!
anyhow, while she and i were friends in the seventh and eighth grade (it was pretty hard to be in a dorm with someone and not be friends with them), we generally ran in different crowds. i hung out with L. and a bunch of other friends, and she hung out with the more sporty, soccer-playing girls and the cute guys. it wasn't until high school, when groups started splitting and combining, that she and i found ourselves as 2 parts of a new 4-some. that 4-some has since also split, as high school cliches do, but K. and i have been friends ever since.
i think the moment, the exact moment i knew i'd have her in my life forever came when i was fifteen. a close family member had been in a really bad accident and was in a coma, and i'd been splitting my time between my dorm on campus and the icu at the hospital downtown. one weekend, i really wanted to go and see him, so i caught a ride with L., her boyfriend, his friend, and K. when we arrived at the hospital, K. decided to come with me. i don't know why, but she did. as if she knew i'd need her. when we got to the icu and walked into the room, i realized that his eyes were open. he'd woken up from his coma, but so much about him wasn't the same anymore. and even though it was a huge relief to know that he was awake and was going to live, it was devastating to know that his life, my life, our lives, were never going to be the same. we were in the elevator on our way out when i broke down and cried. it was the first time i had cried about the whole situation, and it was months in coming. and K. just stood there and hugged me. she didn't say anything, because there was nothing to really say. she was just there.
and she's been there ever since. for every single hard time i've had, for every up, for every down. one of her strongest qualities is that she's loyal. she's honest, possibly to the point of being brutally so sometimes, but she does it because she expects the same in return, because she considers it to be a mark of a true friend.
she expects a lot of her friends, and this is where she has contributed to making me a better person. i know that i've let her down in the past; there were times when i was too busy dealing with myself and my own issues to keep in touch, there were times when my ups seemed too important to deal with someone else's downs, there were times when i just took her for granted. and while she may say she doesn't give second chances, it's a lie, because she's given me chance after chance. thankfully, i think i've finally recognized it and learned.
friendships like these don't come around very often. i know i'm lucky. i talk to her more throughout the day over IM than i talk to the girl at the next desk at work. i've grown because of our friendship. i'm a better person, a better friend. i value people more, i give people the benefit of the doubt because she gave me the benefit of the doubt, and i try not to take my friends for granted anymore.
it's true, we grow leaps and bounds after high school. in the best cases, we shed our childish tendencies and become adults without becoming assholes. in the worst cases, we remain hung up on the many pitfalls of being a teenager and can never fully recover. but in some ways, in the most important ways, high school's never really over.
one of those ways is through our friendships. the ones i had in high school remain some of my best. my friendship with K. is one of them.
i've been friends with K. over at the artist in the ambulance since i was twelve years old. we actually first met in the fifth grade when we were both part of this summer program called "explorations," during which kids spent a week in the dorms of what was to become my future high school, and learned more about hawaiian culture. my first memory of her is when we first arrived and were unloading our suitcases and bags from the bus. i saw this girl, and she was one of the few people from kauai, but i remember clearly that i thought she was really pretty and had a really cool billabong or quicksilver duffel bag. the things we remember!
anyhow, while she and i were friends in the seventh and eighth grade (it was pretty hard to be in a dorm with someone and not be friends with them), we generally ran in different crowds. i hung out with L. and a bunch of other friends, and she hung out with the more sporty, soccer-playing girls and the cute guys. it wasn't until high school, when groups started splitting and combining, that she and i found ourselves as 2 parts of a new 4-some. that 4-some has since also split, as high school cliches do, but K. and i have been friends ever since.
i think the moment, the exact moment i knew i'd have her in my life forever came when i was fifteen. a close family member had been in a really bad accident and was in a coma, and i'd been splitting my time between my dorm on campus and the icu at the hospital downtown. one weekend, i really wanted to go and see him, so i caught a ride with L., her boyfriend, his friend, and K. when we arrived at the hospital, K. decided to come with me. i don't know why, but she did. as if she knew i'd need her. when we got to the icu and walked into the room, i realized that his eyes were open. he'd woken up from his coma, but so much about him wasn't the same anymore. and even though it was a huge relief to know that he was awake and was going to live, it was devastating to know that his life, my life, our lives, were never going to be the same. we were in the elevator on our way out when i broke down and cried. it was the first time i had cried about the whole situation, and it was months in coming. and K. just stood there and hugged me. she didn't say anything, because there was nothing to really say. she was just there.
and she's been there ever since. for every single hard time i've had, for every up, for every down. one of her strongest qualities is that she's loyal. she's honest, possibly to the point of being brutally so sometimes, but she does it because she expects the same in return, because she considers it to be a mark of a true friend.
she expects a lot of her friends, and this is where she has contributed to making me a better person. i know that i've let her down in the past; there were times when i was too busy dealing with myself and my own issues to keep in touch, there were times when my ups seemed too important to deal with someone else's downs, there were times when i just took her for granted. and while she may say she doesn't give second chances, it's a lie, because she's given me chance after chance. thankfully, i think i've finally recognized it and learned.
friendships like these don't come around very often. i know i'm lucky. i talk to her more throughout the day over IM than i talk to the girl at the next desk at work. i've grown because of our friendship. i'm a better person, a better friend. i value people more, i give people the benefit of the doubt because she gave me the benefit of the doubt, and i try not to take my friends for granted anymore.
it's true, we grow leaps and bounds after high school. in the best cases, we shed our childish tendencies and become adults without becoming assholes. in the worst cases, we remain hung up on the many pitfalls of being a teenager and can never fully recover. but in some ways, in the most important ways, high school's never really over.
one of those ways is through our friendships. the ones i had in high school remain some of my best. my friendship with K. is one of them.
January 13, 2010
a slave for you
i've been thinking a lot tonight about the way we, as humans and as habit-forming people, are ruled by our bodies. it's actually something that crosses my mind quite often, simply because of the fact that my boyfriend is completely at the mercy of his body and, because we live and do most things together, that impacts my life almost on a daily basis.
for example, N. must eat breakfast in the morning. he must. he cannot under any circumstances miss the first meal of the day or it is a miserable experience being around him. and i'm not talking about him getting your average, three-year-old type of uncomfortable. it becomes nearly impossible for him to function and think about other things. put simply: he's a grouch. he also has to have exactly 8 hours of sleep. eight. no less, no more. if he doesn't hit that exact amount, he'll more than likely wake up with a headache.
he is a slave to his body.
i, on the other hand, am almost -- almost -- at the exact opposite end of the spectrum. i can skip breakfast any day of the week and not bat an eye-lash. i can sleep anywhere from 4 to 14 hours in a day and still function relatively well. i'll even go so far as to say that instead of my body training me, i'm usually the one exacting ridiculous (and not always healthy) things from it.
when i was in high school, there were many times when i'd use my body to train my brain to do, or not do, something. i mean, it's fairly easy to punish your skin in order to condition your mind (again, i did say that these weren't my healthier habits), and i definitely did that. i don't have the physical scars to prove it, thank God, but even now that i'm older and recognize how incredibly dangerous, unhealthy, and...deeper into my psyche the need to do those things is, there are times when my body still hesitates before doing something, or braces for what it thinks will come as a repercussion. it's a strange thing. almost like instead of being a slave to my body, my body is a victim to me, you know?
and there's always the usual bad habits and addictions: diet coke, lots and lots of carbs, not exercising, not eating at least 3 meals a day, etc.
i'm currently trying to steer away from what seems to be my predisposition to do what's easy and not healthy, and begin forming new and healthy habits for the new year and for my life. it's not always easy to truly remain rid of the desire to fall back on what you know and what's worked and what's made you feel better in the short-term, so this will most likely be a struggle i continue to write about as i go along.
are you one of those people who tend to have certain rituals during the day that your body just requires you go through? like, N.? or are you more like me, a recovering bad-habit haver who's used the body as a tool rather than a temple?
for example, N. must eat breakfast in the morning. he must. he cannot under any circumstances miss the first meal of the day or it is a miserable experience being around him. and i'm not talking about him getting your average, three-year-old type of uncomfortable. it becomes nearly impossible for him to function and think about other things. put simply: he's a grouch. he also has to have exactly 8 hours of sleep. eight. no less, no more. if he doesn't hit that exact amount, he'll more than likely wake up with a headache.
he is a slave to his body.
i, on the other hand, am almost -- almost -- at the exact opposite end of the spectrum. i can skip breakfast any day of the week and not bat an eye-lash. i can sleep anywhere from 4 to 14 hours in a day and still function relatively well. i'll even go so far as to say that instead of my body training me, i'm usually the one exacting ridiculous (and not always healthy) things from it.
when i was in high school, there were many times when i'd use my body to train my brain to do, or not do, something. i mean, it's fairly easy to punish your skin in order to condition your mind (again, i did say that these weren't my healthier habits), and i definitely did that. i don't have the physical scars to prove it, thank God, but even now that i'm older and recognize how incredibly dangerous, unhealthy, and...deeper into my psyche the need to do those things is, there are times when my body still hesitates before doing something, or braces for what it thinks will come as a repercussion. it's a strange thing. almost like instead of being a slave to my body, my body is a victim to me, you know?
and there's always the usual bad habits and addictions: diet coke, lots and lots of carbs, not exercising, not eating at least 3 meals a day, etc.
i'm currently trying to steer away from what seems to be my predisposition to do what's easy and not healthy, and begin forming new and healthy habits for the new year and for my life. it's not always easy to truly remain rid of the desire to fall back on what you know and what's worked and what's made you feel better in the short-term, so this will most likely be a struggle i continue to write about as i go along.
are you one of those people who tend to have certain rituals during the day that your body just requires you go through? like, N.? or are you more like me, a recovering bad-habit haver who's used the body as a tool rather than a temple?
March 2, 2009
20sw: a history of writing
following up with a previous post about a new writing community, i'd like to happily announce that twenty something writers has officially launched! i'm so excited to take part in this, and for those of you who love to write, or want to start loving it, go over and check it out!
for this particular post, 20sw suggested a prompt that we answer in our blogs. here goes!
now, there was always an unspoken competition between S.and i. where she was first in the class, i was second. where she could speak two languages, i could speak one. where she was cute and small and asian (a badge of honor in hawaii), i was...well, not. so when she offered me these books i of course took them. i'd do anything to make myself just a bit smarter, a bit more like her. (in case anyone's wondering, she moved away at the end of our fifth grade year, eventually went on to go to columbia for college, and we're still great friends). those books, as odd as it may seem, opened a whole new world for me. i began recognizing what writing could do. it could introduce you to people who will never really exist, but whose lives you're completely invested in. it could show you places you may never go to. it could totally capture your imagination and run wild with it. i think that's why i firmly believe that, when people say they don't like to read, it's because they haven't found The book that's gonna change their lives. and when N. tells me about kids he teaches who can't really write, it's almost always because they hate to read.
so my love affair with writing began when i was ten. i immediately saw my writing ability sky-rocket. in fact, i remember this one time when i had just finished reading r.l. stine's "fear street saga: the betrayal" (you know, the first book when savannah goode gets burned at the stake in the salem witch trials?), and i chose to write a book report on it. writing the book report wasn't very hard, didn't take me very long, and in the end i remember thinking that it would probably get a decent grade. two days later, my teacher calls me up to her desk and asks if i had copied my summary off the back cover of the book. and i was shocked. not only was that the first (and only) time i'd ever been accused of cheating, but i didn't even think what i wrote was that good. so i showed her the book cover, and i ended up getting the highest grade on the book report. i think that was the first time i realized that writing was something i was okay at, and it wasn't going to take much of an effort.
so from then on i wrote. my friends and i started a slam book that eventually progressed into a straight out poetry book. i think i still have it somewhere. we'd pass the book from person to person throughout a class period and each of us would write a poem a day. childish poetry. teenage poetry. why doesn't this boy like me? what will it be like when i'm an adult? i hate this teacher because this teacher hates me. simple stuff. but it got me writing almost daily, and critiquing the writing of others.
a few years later, when i was in high school, my friends and i began writing fan fiction. i don't think i even knew what fan fiction was. just, one day, my best friend decided to write a story involving our circle of friends (ten years older than we were), and the celebrities we had crushes on at the time. i picked up on it and away we went. i'd sit in english class, finish my assignments (which still did not require me to work very hard for good grades) ahead of time, and start jotting down scenarios and dialogue for the next chapter of whatever fan fic i was currently working on. i also began the infamous "incomplete novel" that my friends (the quints) still ask me about. i took each of us, created characters which embodied the extreme characteristic of each of our personalities, and wrote a story about growing up and remaining friends through the changes that our lives throw our way (interestingly enough, the character that embodied me was a fiction writer. lol.). a few years later, when i looked back at the pages i'd written, and when i was in one of my moods where nothing i produced seemed good enough, i deleted it. i still regret that.
i was also journaling heavily during this time. heavily. i think in my sophomore year of high school, i must have gone through about three or four composition note books worth of journaling. i don't think it's too much of an exaggeration to say that writing, at that point, during that time, saved my life. it was my only outlet, the only place where i could say things and not have to censor myself. the only "person" i could tell my secrets/fears/angers/worries/sorrows to and not worry that i would lose them because of it. for a while after that, years really, i wondered if those months where writing was all i did somehow purged me of the need for it. because prior to that writing really was a need i had. and since then until right about three years ago, i haven't been able to write much, and i haven't been able to write any fiction.
even now, my writing is different than what it used to be. i'm not just talking about my skills (though, JEEZ, that's changed. thank God.), but more so my style. i write academic articles now. that's what i know how to do. i research, analyze, and suggest policy changes. i got published for the first time this year (still doing a happy dance over that!), and will be published again in a few months (woo-hoo!). and i think i'm good at it. i would never say that if i didn't really, really believe it, because i'm not the kind of person to toot my own horn. ever. but writing has always been the one thing i'm good at. i'm not great. but i'm good.
so recently, i've tried to pick up the torch again when it comes to writing for fun, which for me means writing fiction (romance/fantasy/paranormal/take your pick). i mean, i blog, but i don't write fiction anymore. and i've got ideas (a composition book full of them!), i just never seem to have the time. i can make the time, i think. i just haven't yet. hopefully, 20sw will get me moving in a good direction!
for this particular post, 20sw suggested a prompt that we answer in our blogs. here goes!
The Prompt
We’d like to get the ball rolling by hearing your responses to the prompt: Tell us about your writing history. Have you always enjoyed writing? Did you hate grammar lessons in school? Who have been your greatest influences? What kind of writing do you enjoy most? Take any creative spin you want. Post your response on your blog and leave the link in the comments below. Check out the responses of others as well.
i think i officially remember starting to write, i mean really write, in the fifth grade. prior to that, i was never really much of a reader, and so writing for me was just something i needed to do. it wasn't until my best childhood friend, S., shared with me some books she was reading at the moment (r.l. stine's "goosebumps: return of the mummy," if you're curious) that i learned how great writing could be.now, there was always an unspoken competition between S.and i. where she was first in the class, i was second. where she could speak two languages, i could speak one. where she was cute and small and asian (a badge of honor in hawaii), i was...well, not. so when she offered me these books i of course took them. i'd do anything to make myself just a bit smarter, a bit more like her. (in case anyone's wondering, she moved away at the end of our fifth grade year, eventually went on to go to columbia for college, and we're still great friends). those books, as odd as it may seem, opened a whole new world for me. i began recognizing what writing could do. it could introduce you to people who will never really exist, but whose lives you're completely invested in. it could show you places you may never go to. it could totally capture your imagination and run wild with it. i think that's why i firmly believe that, when people say they don't like to read, it's because they haven't found The book that's gonna change their lives. and when N. tells me about kids he teaches who can't really write, it's almost always because they hate to read.
so my love affair with writing began when i was ten. i immediately saw my writing ability sky-rocket. in fact, i remember this one time when i had just finished reading r.l. stine's "fear street saga: the betrayal" (you know, the first book when savannah goode gets burned at the stake in the salem witch trials?), and i chose to write a book report on it. writing the book report wasn't very hard, didn't take me very long, and in the end i remember thinking that it would probably get a decent grade. two days later, my teacher calls me up to her desk and asks if i had copied my summary off the back cover of the book. and i was shocked. not only was that the first (and only) time i'd ever been accused of cheating, but i didn't even think what i wrote was that good. so i showed her the book cover, and i ended up getting the highest grade on the book report. i think that was the first time i realized that writing was something i was okay at, and it wasn't going to take much of an effort.
so from then on i wrote. my friends and i started a slam book that eventually progressed into a straight out poetry book. i think i still have it somewhere. we'd pass the book from person to person throughout a class period and each of us would write a poem a day. childish poetry. teenage poetry. why doesn't this boy like me? what will it be like when i'm an adult? i hate this teacher because this teacher hates me. simple stuff. but it got me writing almost daily, and critiquing the writing of others.
a few years later, when i was in high school, my friends and i began writing fan fiction. i don't think i even knew what fan fiction was. just, one day, my best friend decided to write a story involving our circle of friends (ten years older than we were), and the celebrities we had crushes on at the time. i picked up on it and away we went. i'd sit in english class, finish my assignments (which still did not require me to work very hard for good grades) ahead of time, and start jotting down scenarios and dialogue for the next chapter of whatever fan fic i was currently working on. i also began the infamous "incomplete novel" that my friends (the quints) still ask me about. i took each of us, created characters which embodied the extreme characteristic of each of our personalities, and wrote a story about growing up and remaining friends through the changes that our lives throw our way (interestingly enough, the character that embodied me was a fiction writer. lol.). a few years later, when i looked back at the pages i'd written, and when i was in one of my moods where nothing i produced seemed good enough, i deleted it. i still regret that.
i was also journaling heavily during this time. heavily. i think in my sophomore year of high school, i must have gone through about three or four composition note books worth of journaling. i don't think it's too much of an exaggeration to say that writing, at that point, during that time, saved my life. it was my only outlet, the only place where i could say things and not have to censor myself. the only "person" i could tell my secrets/fears/angers/worries/sorrows to and not worry that i would lose them because of it. for a while after that, years really, i wondered if those months where writing was all i did somehow purged me of the need for it. because prior to that writing really was a need i had. and since then until right about three years ago, i haven't been able to write much, and i haven't been able to write any fiction.
even now, my writing is different than what it used to be. i'm not just talking about my skills (though, JEEZ, that's changed. thank God.), but more so my style. i write academic articles now. that's what i know how to do. i research, analyze, and suggest policy changes. i got published for the first time this year (still doing a happy dance over that!), and will be published again in a few months (woo-hoo!). and i think i'm good at it. i would never say that if i didn't really, really believe it, because i'm not the kind of person to toot my own horn. ever. but writing has always been the one thing i'm good at. i'm not great. but i'm good.
so recently, i've tried to pick up the torch again when it comes to writing for fun, which for me means writing fiction (romance/fantasy/paranormal/take your pick). i mean, i blog, but i don't write fiction anymore. and i've got ideas (a composition book full of them!), i just never seem to have the time. i can make the time, i think. i just haven't yet. hopefully, 20sw will get me moving in a good direction!
February 10, 2009
vampire mania
so my bff twittered something earlier today (has twitter been verbed yet?) that i'm 100% sure she knew i would freak out about. here's the link.
my (very erratic and over-the-top) thoughts: now, for some reason or the other, i have always been obsessed with books about vampires and witches and werewolves, etc. (although, oddly enough, i could never really get into anne rice...maybe i'll try again?). and that obsession is reflected in my writing as well. most of my ideas and stories are in some way, shape or form about one of (or all of) those three things. fairies fascinate me. myth and legend grab me. forbidden love, magical powers, morality and crossed lines. they all have absolutely wrecked me for many other genres. what can i say, i love and live for fantasy.
so when i found l.j. smith in the seventh grade, i died. it was like finding a treasure chest where my friends and i could just get lost and stay lost for as long as we wanted. we came up with cast lists, soundtracks, fanfics, you name it, we did it. the secret circle. night world. the forbidden game. and yes, the vampire diaries.
so last fall, when my sister visited me and spent practically the ENTIRE time she was here reading a stupid book called twilight, i was like "what the hell, man?!" and then she told me i had to read it.
i'm going to be honest right now and say that i had absolutely no desire to ever pick up twilight. i thought that it was going to be absolute crap, and i had already read the best teen vampire romance books ever written, and why would i ever waste my time betraying my loyalty to l.j. smith for this new author i knew nothing about? (yes, i've always taken books extremely and dramatically seriously). in fact, i bought a copy and then let it collect dust on my desk for months before i was finally so bored one friday afternoon, had had enough of both my sister and my bff telling me i needed to get my ass in gear and read it, didn't want to start another book that i KNEW i wouldn't be able to put down (which would screw my entire weekend), and so picked up my copy of twilight...and fell in love all over again.
so now i've made room for stephenie meyer and her imagination in my very exclusive little vampire world. she's in good company.
BUT THEN, the CW apparently announces that they're going to be making a tv show out of the vampire diaries?! shut the front door. now i have to worry about real casting, and know that there's a good chance the music will suck, and wonder how they're going to change/ruin a perfectly good forbidden love triangle story. and, come on, the only reason the kiddies today even know about the vampire diaries is because of twilight, right? so now people will compare edward to stefan. they'll compare bella to elena. and really, who could they possibly cast for stefan that would be better than robert pattinson?!
AND, i just realized five minutes ago that there's a new installment of the vampire diaries that came out TODAY. after 17 years! so now i'm excited and flustered. this is a crazy day.
lol. i'm sorry for those of you who don't really know me personally, because i sound completely insane in this post. but just try and imagine your favorite book series when you were a pre-teen, and you thought it was over. then you realize that, not only is the author continuing the series, but it's being made into a tv show! hell, imagine if, 10 years down the line, stephenie meyer decides to add more books on after breaking dawn, when you thought it was all happy ever after and it's not. that's exactly how i feel right now.
my (very erratic and over-the-top) thoughts: now, for some reason or the other, i have always been obsessed with books about vampires and witches and werewolves, etc. (although, oddly enough, i could never really get into anne rice...maybe i'll try again?). and that obsession is reflected in my writing as well. most of my ideas and stories are in some way, shape or form about one of (or all of) those three things. fairies fascinate me. myth and legend grab me. forbidden love, magical powers, morality and crossed lines. they all have absolutely wrecked me for many other genres. what can i say, i love and live for fantasy.
so when i found l.j. smith in the seventh grade, i died. it was like finding a treasure chest where my friends and i could just get lost and stay lost for as long as we wanted. we came up with cast lists, soundtracks, fanfics, you name it, we did it. the secret circle. night world. the forbidden game. and yes, the vampire diaries.
so last fall, when my sister visited me and spent practically the ENTIRE time she was here reading a stupid book called twilight, i was like "what the hell, man?!" and then she told me i had to read it.
i'm going to be honest right now and say that i had absolutely no desire to ever pick up twilight. i thought that it was going to be absolute crap, and i had already read the best teen vampire romance books ever written, and why would i ever waste my time betraying my loyalty to l.j. smith for this new author i knew nothing about? (yes, i've always taken books extremely and dramatically seriously). in fact, i bought a copy and then let it collect dust on my desk for months before i was finally so bored one friday afternoon, had had enough of both my sister and my bff telling me i needed to get my ass in gear and read it, didn't want to start another book that i KNEW i wouldn't be able to put down (which would screw my entire weekend), and so picked up my copy of twilight...and fell in love all over again.
so now i've made room for stephenie meyer and her imagination in my very exclusive little vampire world. she's in good company.
BUT THEN, the CW apparently announces that they're going to be making a tv show out of the vampire diaries?! shut the front door. now i have to worry about real casting, and know that there's a good chance the music will suck, and wonder how they're going to change/ruin a perfectly good forbidden love triangle story. and, come on, the only reason the kiddies today even know about the vampire diaries is because of twilight, right? so now people will compare edward to stefan. they'll compare bella to elena. and really, who could they possibly cast for stefan that would be better than robert pattinson?!
AND, i just realized five minutes ago that there's a new installment of the vampire diaries that came out TODAY. after 17 years! so now i'm excited and flustered. this is a crazy day.
lol. i'm sorry for those of you who don't really know me personally, because i sound completely insane in this post. but just try and imagine your favorite book series when you were a pre-teen, and you thought it was over. then you realize that, not only is the author continuing the series, but it's being made into a tv show! hell, imagine if, 10 years down the line, stephenie meyer decides to add more books on after breaking dawn, when you thought it was all happy ever after and it's not. that's exactly how i feel right now.
October 7, 2008
weekend in review
took a short trip to seattle this passed weekend and miss it more now then ever. i always forget how green washington is. when you fly out of oakland, every piece of land you see that isn't covered in cement is a yellowish-brown. then when you fly into sea-tac, everything that isn't covered in cement is trees. and things are starting to change color there, so its extra-beautiful. fall is my favorite time of year. it just makes me want to bundle up, walk in boots over wet, reflective sidewalks to the nearest starbucks and get a pumpkin spice latte that i probably won't drink. i just like the smell of it.
it was weird being back in the udistrict though. as we drove through (heading to hawaiian bbq - woo!), i realized that i'm older than practically everyone i saw! and it was sad in a way, because for the most part, none of my friends really lived in the udistrict any more. areas around university districts are so transient. you'll never be able to come back in ten years and think, "hey, my friend joe schmoe lives there," because the fact is that there have probably been dozens of kids who have lived there after joe.
and seattle, on a rainy night, can seem oddly lonely too. not a bad lonely, just...lonely.
visiting also made me think of how people change, and don't change, at the same time. for example, i haven't seen my freshman/sophomore roommate kina since i moved down to the bay two and half years ago. and yet, it's like we've talked every day the whole time. i mean, give or take the fact that we're catching each other up on our lives. and i got to see anthony, kina's fiance, and another of my first washington-friends. we hugged and it was like being enveloped in a big brother.
i saw other friends too, of course. my junior/senior roommate will be moving down to the bay this weekend, so there's no real reason to miss her. but it's still stunning to realize that she's getting married soon. she has this amazingly beautiful wedding dress (and i'm picky about what wedding dresses i find pretty), that she's going to wear with these awesome red peep-toes. she has her wedding planned out and i feel so out of touch with everything. we talked about her best friend (who happens to be one of mine as well) and the fact that i know next to nothing about that girls life anymore. i can't even remember that last time we talked. there was just a...losing touch...that happened. it made me so sad.
and i saw one of my best friends from back home who's moved up there and has this new, amazing life working for an indie record label and being friends with interesting people and band members, etc. sometimes i feel so out of touch with her life as well. like we have so little in common anymore. but there are ties there that i refuse to let sever. she's been in my life too long to ever let her be out of it, you know?
i guess i've realized that the changes in myself i didn't see happening were happening just the same. for example, this passed summer, one of the quints got married, so it was the first time we all got together since graduation night of highschool. and these girls - women, now - are my best friends. absolute rocks in my life. one in particular. and yet, we have to work to keep the conversations going and to find things to talk about. it was so unnerving that i actually had to bring it up with them so we could talk about the awkwardness. i'd never felt that before, but then again, i hadn't seen them since i was 18. so this is sort of how it felt a little this passed weekend. and M. is the one to point out that it's because we've changed so much. so much.
it was sad to realize. but nice too, because we were still there, trying to meet on common ground. trying to find something to discuss the way we used to discuss the most trivial things. it's reassuring to know that we value each other that much.
on that note, my mom did me a HUGE favor this passed weekend and rummaged through storage to find some of my things from high school. she's sent me my yearbook from senior year, complete with signatures and goodbye notes. and she found my diaries. OMG. the diaries of a 16 year old! it's incredible how hard and wonderful at the same time it is to read these thoughts. we're so invincible at 16. so sure and unsure of ourselves at the same time. so confident in our friends, and so engrossed in our little intrigues. and it's just interesting to read what i wrote when i was that girl.
The sky is so beautiful right now. The lights of the island end so quickly, then the horizon goes from red to pink to orange and yellow before fading into a light blue. The mountains are so darkly silhouetted against that yellow. Then it's nothing but a cloudless dark blue expanse with a crescent moon and the north star accessorizing such a beautiful night. Definitely one of the prettiest nights of the year. Far to pretty for me to feel so...discontent. - Oct. 29. 2000
What exactly is destiny? I mean, do we really control our own? Because if we do, then how can we be "meant to be" with one person? How do you know that this one person is...your destiny? Does that mean that all your life you were just waiting for them? All the while you were feeling so strongly about other people, were you really just waiting for someone better to walk into your life? - Nov. 28, 2000
i'm not going to lie. the diaries from my junior and senior year are full of a boy. but i have a feeling that's not atypical. it's just so entertaining/embarrassing to see what i put myself through over something so...not real. i wasn't an adult and i thought i was. i wasn't mature and i thought i was. but i think the funniest and scariest thing of all is that the person that 17 year old was isn't as far as the person i am now thought she was. i can still see myself. i still do some of the same things. and now, years later, i can look at what i did and see patterns, see myself and my habits forming. see my defense mechanisms refining and my ideas on life and love taking shape.
it's an educational experience to realize that you've grown up, but not so much that who you are is a stranger to who you were.
i have this favorite line from "jane austen's book club" that i always think about when i think about those years. it's when prudie and her husband are fighting in their hotel room because she thinks he was flirting with her high school nemesis. and she tells him that this woman was terrible to her in high school. and he says that high schools over. and she just looks at him, crying, and says "high schools never over."
so true in some ways. and i'm so glad it's not true in so many others.
it was weird being back in the udistrict though. as we drove through (heading to hawaiian bbq - woo!), i realized that i'm older than practically everyone i saw! and it was sad in a way, because for the most part, none of my friends really lived in the udistrict any more. areas around university districts are so transient. you'll never be able to come back in ten years and think, "hey, my friend joe schmoe lives there," because the fact is that there have probably been dozens of kids who have lived there after joe.
and seattle, on a rainy night, can seem oddly lonely too. not a bad lonely, just...lonely.
visiting also made me think of how people change, and don't change, at the same time. for example, i haven't seen my freshman/sophomore roommate kina since i moved down to the bay two and half years ago. and yet, it's like we've talked every day the whole time. i mean, give or take the fact that we're catching each other up on our lives. and i got to see anthony, kina's fiance, and another of my first washington-friends. we hugged and it was like being enveloped in a big brother.
i saw other friends too, of course. my junior/senior roommate will be moving down to the bay this weekend, so there's no real reason to miss her. but it's still stunning to realize that she's getting married soon. she has this amazingly beautiful wedding dress (and i'm picky about what wedding dresses i find pretty), that she's going to wear with these awesome red peep-toes. she has her wedding planned out and i feel so out of touch with everything. we talked about her best friend (who happens to be one of mine as well) and the fact that i know next to nothing about that girls life anymore. i can't even remember that last time we talked. there was just a...losing touch...that happened. it made me so sad.
and i saw one of my best friends from back home who's moved up there and has this new, amazing life working for an indie record label and being friends with interesting people and band members, etc. sometimes i feel so out of touch with her life as well. like we have so little in common anymore. but there are ties there that i refuse to let sever. she's been in my life too long to ever let her be out of it, you know?
i guess i've realized that the changes in myself i didn't see happening were happening just the same. for example, this passed summer, one of the quints got married, so it was the first time we all got together since graduation night of highschool. and these girls - women, now - are my best friends. absolute rocks in my life. one in particular. and yet, we have to work to keep the conversations going and to find things to talk about. it was so unnerving that i actually had to bring it up with them so we could talk about the awkwardness. i'd never felt that before, but then again, i hadn't seen them since i was 18. so this is sort of how it felt a little this passed weekend. and M. is the one to point out that it's because we've changed so much. so much.
it was sad to realize. but nice too, because we were still there, trying to meet on common ground. trying to find something to discuss the way we used to discuss the most trivial things. it's reassuring to know that we value each other that much.
on that note, my mom did me a HUGE favor this passed weekend and rummaged through storage to find some of my things from high school. she's sent me my yearbook from senior year, complete with signatures and goodbye notes. and she found my diaries. OMG. the diaries of a 16 year old! it's incredible how hard and wonderful at the same time it is to read these thoughts. we're so invincible at 16. so sure and unsure of ourselves at the same time. so confident in our friends, and so engrossed in our little intrigues. and it's just interesting to read what i wrote when i was that girl.
The sky is so beautiful right now. The lights of the island end so quickly, then the horizon goes from red to pink to orange and yellow before fading into a light blue. The mountains are so darkly silhouetted against that yellow. Then it's nothing but a cloudless dark blue expanse with a crescent moon and the north star accessorizing such a beautiful night. Definitely one of the prettiest nights of the year. Far to pretty for me to feel so...discontent. - Oct. 29. 2000
What exactly is destiny? I mean, do we really control our own? Because if we do, then how can we be "meant to be" with one person? How do you know that this one person is...your destiny? Does that mean that all your life you were just waiting for them? All the while you were feeling so strongly about other people, were you really just waiting for someone better to walk into your life? - Nov. 28, 2000
i'm not going to lie. the diaries from my junior and senior year are full of a boy. but i have a feeling that's not atypical. it's just so entertaining/embarrassing to see what i put myself through over something so...not real. i wasn't an adult and i thought i was. i wasn't mature and i thought i was. but i think the funniest and scariest thing of all is that the person that 17 year old was isn't as far as the person i am now thought she was. i can still see myself. i still do some of the same things. and now, years later, i can look at what i did and see patterns, see myself and my habits forming. see my defense mechanisms refining and my ideas on life and love taking shape.
it's an educational experience to realize that you've grown up, but not so much that who you are is a stranger to who you were.
i have this favorite line from "jane austen's book club" that i always think about when i think about those years. it's when prudie and her husband are fighting in their hotel room because she thinks he was flirting with her high school nemesis. and she tells him that this woman was terrible to her in high school. and he says that high schools over. and she just looks at him, crying, and says "high schools never over."
so true in some ways. and i'm so glad it's not true in so many others.
January 27, 2008
FYI: Kamehameha Schools
Kelly Hu on Doe v. Kamehameha.
This is old, since the case has now been settled, but I figured that this is a clearer way of explaining why I'm always ranting about my high school.
December 11, 2007
nostalgia, thy name is kahea
i miss my quints.
i dreamt of kapuaiwa last night (ohhh, that sounds so poetic when you don't know what it is!).
anyway, i had a dream about kapuaiwa, and in the dream i was doing just normal day-to-day things: coming back from dinner, taking a shower, reading a book on a friends bed, running up and down the halls. even doing saturday morning cleanings.
it made me really homesick.
and then, to top off the homesickness, my best friends and i did our periodic email updates yesterday and today, so it's the first time in a really long time i've heard from any of them. i miss them so much. you know those people in your life that know you probably better than you know yourself? who are as much family to you as your biological family is? who love you, no matter what, no matter how long the absences or how stupid the reasons, they just love you unconditionally?
those are my quints.
that was what kapuaiwa will always be for me.
alex.lehua.le'a.pukui. i miss you guys. a lot.
i dreamt of kapuaiwa last night (ohhh, that sounds so poetic when you don't know what it is!).
anyway, i had a dream about kapuaiwa, and in the dream i was doing just normal day-to-day things: coming back from dinner, taking a shower, reading a book on a friends bed, running up and down the halls. even doing saturday morning cleanings.
it made me really homesick.
and then, to top off the homesickness, my best friends and i did our periodic email updates yesterday and today, so it's the first time in a really long time i've heard from any of them. i miss them so much. you know those people in your life that know you probably better than you know yourself? who are as much family to you as your biological family is? who love you, no matter what, no matter how long the absences or how stupid the reasons, they just love you unconditionally?
those are my quints.
that was what kapuaiwa will always be for me.
alex.lehua.le'a.pukui. i miss you guys. a lot.
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