Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts

May 20, 2011

The Long Departure

The first thing you should know when you read this post is that I've never quit anything in my life, ever.  Except for maybe ballet and piano, but I was like, six so that doesn't really count.  I mean, I think I've dropped a grand total of maybe three classes during all my years of education combined.  I've never downright failed at anything either (though the way this has affected my tendency to not try new things for fear of failure is for a new post altogether).  All my life, I've been an above-average student -- until law school -- and a pretty damn good employee.

But I guess there comes a time in everyone's life where that just isn't going to fly anymore.  Enter my current job as an Executive Assistant.

At the start of May, I officially gave my boss notice that June 1st will be my last day at our organization.  And though I've been thinking this through for a while, talking it over with Nate, making plans and preparations so I'm not left wallowing in a pit of unemployed misery, let me tell you, I really thought I was going to puke for the entire week leading up to that conversation.

But the meeting went as well as can be expected I guess when you blindside your boss during what's probably the busiest two months of our year and tell him that he'll be left high and dry and assistant-less in a month.  He asked if there was anything he could do to make me stay.  I said no.  He said that while he wasn't happy about it, he understood.  I said thanks, and I'm sorry.

Truthfully, on some level, I am sorry.  And there's definitely a fair amount of guilt I feel, but that's more because I'm just the type of person that will feel guilty for the fact that it's raining rather than because I should feel guilty about something.  This job just wasn't a fit for me.  It wasn't a fit in ways that a size 3 shoe isn't the right fit for a size 7 foot: so, it wasn't a fit in colossal ways.  And that made it an unhappy place, a draining place and, in the last few months, a pretty toxic place for me.  I came to despise everything about my job and who I was while I was at it and the fact that that person followed me home and became the person I was here in my safe haven too.  This job made me feel like I had nothing going for me, nothing to look forward to other than a paycheck every other week.  It didn't require me to use any skills I thought I possessed, it gave me no indication of what value I held and it just made me feel...useless.

So I finally got up the courage -- and put enough plans in motion --  to quit.

And since that day, I've felt so...liberated. Scared, yes, definitely.  The fear factor is pretty much through the roof at all times.  After all, how will I survive once the money I've saved runs out?  I can't rely on Nate forever, and there's no telling when I'll find another job.  And what about health insurance?  What about paying off my credit card debt?  What about paying my student loans?  What about being a responsible adult, sucking it up, and sticking this job out?  What about all the millions of things you need a paying job to do???

So I'm really, really scared.

But still, nothing compares to having a set date when this job will be over, when the stress of the everyday drudgery will be done, when I won't have to wake up in the morning wondering how I'm going to fail at something or forget something else today.  It's truly like a physical weight is slowly being lifted from my shoulders.  It's incredible.  I finally feel like my life is starting to move again.

And at this point, movement is all I'm looking for.

October 29, 2010

When Realization Struck

Every once in a while I'll be hit by some crazy sort of realization which will totally clarify all aspects of my life that have been confusing me lately.

In the months following my arrival at boarding school in the 7th grade, when I was struck with the realization that home would always be there and would always be the same, that I wasn't really losing something I'd already had so much as I was gaining something new, I was able to cope more with -- and eventually get over --  what had been up to that point a debilitating level of homesickness, anger, and childish fear.

In the 12th grade, when I was choosing between the college I really wanted to attend but couldn't afford, or the college that seemed like the better fit for me and had given me a scholarship, realizing that sometimes what I may think is best for me and what actually is best for me aren't always the same things really helped me to make the right decision (and I'm so, so sure it was the right decision all these years later).

This is all to say that I may have just experienced one of those moments again.  

It's no secret that I'm not exactly working in a job that I feel is right for me.  There are a number of reasons for this, but some of the biggest reasons are that it won't get me anywhere near where I want to go, and working at this job doesn't make me happy (almost the exact opposite, actually).  And yet, here I am making excuses for whyI'm still in this position, even while I complain about it daily.  I think, maybe if I keep at it it'll get better, though I know it's unlikely.

Then this morning I found myself thinking about an upcoming meeting I have to travel to, since I'm the point person on it, and I don't want to go.  The meeting is in Hawaii and I still don't want to go, which just tells you in a nutshell where my head is at when it comes to my job.  And so I start coming up with various scenarios for getting out of this meeting, and really, truly, the one I seriously begin considering is, how do I give myself pneumonia during the week leading up to the travel date, because mono would be unfortunate, but I could deal with having pneumonia.

I can't help but laugh now, because it's so ridiculous.  I'm honestly ready to compromise my health to get out of work.  This isn't just calling in sick when you're not actually sick, no this is on an entirely new level of crazy.

And so I guess that's when the realization finally hit home: start looking for other jobs now.  No more wasting time, no more making excuses, no more being afraid or guilty about quitting.  Stop just talking about it and start actually doing it.  Because if I know one thing for certain at this point, it's that this job is not where I need to be.

So, with that said, if anyone has any resources or ideas for The Great Job Hunt, please send them my way.  In particular, I'm looking for jobs that work with, for, or on issues dealing with indigenous peoples.  Law, research, community services, environmental, history, academia, fellowships, anything.  Just something.

June 24, 2010

dear blogger, i've missed you

so the end of may and the start of june passed by in a blur of stress and tears, and here i am sitting on the other end of all of that and feeling a little worse for wear.  i'm trying to take this time in my life philosophically.  i'm trying to tell myself that these days will help to build my character, and my frustrations will only make me appreciate the good later on.  that, although i may not feel appreciated, and although i may not see the fruits of my labor first-hand, i am helping to make a small difference somewhere.  i'm trying to convince myself that this will all be worth it in the end.

i'm not always successful.

but if nothing else, at least this job (and these last 2 months in particular) have really clarified for me some things that i had remained somewhat on the fence on until recently.  those things are that: 1) this is not the sort of job i want or will ever have again.  2) i've been forced to really look into that mysterious future of mine and decide what next steps to take -- namely, to go back to school.  and 3) really and truly, the only important thing in life is that you are happy in every way (no small feat, right?).  because if you aren't happy in the aspects of your life which you value the most (i.e. your personal life, your professional life, your creative life, etc.), the dissatisfaction and unhappiness festering in that one arena will bleed into all others.  then where will you be?

my unhappiness in my professional life has definitely been bleeding over lately to the point where it's taken so much energy to even muster up the desire to pay any attention to the other parts of my life.  that's where my blogging suffered.  as much as i didn't want it to be, the stress of the day just made blogging turn into another item on this already too long list of things i felt i needed to do, when all i wanted to do was stare off into space for a minute or two.  and i also didn't want to fill these posts up with all the crap i'd been going through because, when push comes to shove, those aren't the things i want to remember or want known.

but things are better now.  or, at least, they're getting better.  i'm learning to put myself first when it comes to my job, even if that means that i need to start looking for another one (i'm sure i will write more about the job search pros and cons as i move forward with that), and i'm also learning to try and leave my job at the office so that i can come home and be a whole person for N.  because after dealing with me for the past month, he really has proved himself to be one of the best people i know.

all this is to say: i'm back, blogger.  and i've missed you.

May 26, 2010

a break in the silence

but only for a minute.  and it's just so i can say...

if anyone knows of any job opportunities in the bay area (big, small, nonprofit, government, corporate), please send them my way.  though i am still currently employed, i am officially prepared to start looking for new possibilities.

April 14, 2010

if i were really brave...

...i'd quit my job and find something to do that i loved.  or at least something that i didn't dread quite so much.  because it's come to that: i dread going to work each day.  i dread the next mundane, uncreative, inefficient thing i'll have to do.  and i dread the way work makes me feel about myself and my life and the way i'm living it.

i told N. today that i'd rather still be in law school.  so, yeah, you can imagine where i'm at right now.

and it's not that i don't want to work, or that i don't like what my organization works for and towards.  it really just comes down to being dissatisfied with having such a non-programmatic position (even though my role as EA has been expanded to encompass even more responsibility, it is still very much an administrative position, which means everything i do is an errand for someone else and to their specifications).  and it's also that i've been finding it difficult to work with the managerial style and overall working style of my boss.

without getting into the nitty-gritty of it all, things just seem to be...falling through the cracks lately, and it's hard to know that no matter how hard you work or how much overtime you put in, or how sick you make yourself with stress, the outcome won't reflect that effort.  because certain things really are just out of your hands.

but there are obviously reasons why i haven't quit yet, number one being pride, oddly enough.  i'm only five months in and i don't want to be a quitter.  i finish things i start, law school being a shining example of that stubborn streak of mine, and i said i'd be here until i went back to school.  so here i am.  i also don't want to let anyone down, and i know that by quitting i'd leave my organization in a lurch.  they've invested time and energy into teaching me about the field, and they've come to rely on me for certain things.  i don't want it to seem like they've wasted their time, and i don't want to disappoint them or seem ungrateful.  i also need the money, which is probably right up there next to my pride (why do pride and money seem to stand in the way of so much in our world nowadays?).  i'm working really hard to bring my credit card debt down before hopefully going back to school, and that only works if i have the income to throw at that debt each month.

i don't know what to do.  after law school ended, and i had my mini quarter-life crisis, i told myself that i would start doing things that i loved, and i'd stop wasting my time doing things because i thought i should or because i was too afraid not to do them.  i worry that i'm falling into my same old patterns, doing the same old things and feeling the same old way.  there were other things i wanted to do, weren't there?  things i'd realized after those difficult months of soul searching?  didn't i want to travel?  didn't i want to write?  didn't i want to do these amazingly adventurous things?  and i'm an executive assistant now?  really???

so what do i do?  do i call the contact L. gave me late last year when i was still job hunting to see where that may lead me, even though it could just lead me to yet another administrative position?  do i give it a shot because anything is bound to be better than this right now?  do i start browsing through craigslist and idealist.org once again?

or do i keep my head down, do my work as best as i can regardless of how i feel at the end of the day, and stick it out?

what would you do?

January 26, 2010

a problem for later

i thought i'd use this post to give you all a short update on how the job is going, particularly since many of you have had to deal with me (whether it be in real life or virtually) freaking out about 1) not having job, 2) going for the interview and being told i'm over-qualified, and 3) getting the job and thinking i'm no good at it.

true to form, i'm still sort of freaking out, but it's of a more positive nature than it used to be.  you see, i'm doing well at my job.  really well, in fact.  i was hired on as an organizational assistant, meaning i did the grunt work for everyone.  but then, a few weeks into work, i was moved up (i may just be imagining that it's a vertical move instead of a horizontal one, but let me have what little i can get, please?) into the executive assistant position.  this came with pay bump that they're applied retroactively to my start date.

then this week, during my check-in meeting with our ED, he tells me that he wants to meet with me on thursday to specifically discuss my "position and related issues."  so, naturally, i freak.  and while i'm certain he didn't know i was having a nervous breakdown and snowballing out of control, he reassured me that it was all good things.  apparently, he's so impressed by my writing skills (yes, i'm patting myself on the back, and then telling myself to not be such a self-satisfied boob), that while he'd like me to continue on as his assistant, he'd also like me to move into the communication assistant position.  what this would mean is that i'd be in charge mainly of our community outreach and publications, doing a lot of the writing and editing of the pieces we send out to our network and partners.

this is wonderful!  this is, actually, the position i originally wanted but was too under-qualified for.  and it comes with another pay bump!  (happy dance!).  we'll iron out the details during our thursday meeting, and there will most definitely be a trial period in which we see whether i can handle these new responsibilities while still juggling my old executive assistant responsibilities, but it's still very exciting.

however, it's made me start to think about my future here at my little non-profit.  the plan has always been to only work until fall 2011, and then go back to school.  and going back to school is, right now, the one thing in my life that i am absolutely positive i want to do.  but is the timing right?  when all of these good things are happening for me at work, when my ED says that he just sees so much potential for my growth here, is this the right time to jump back into school?

yes, i realize that 2011 is very far away and a lot may change between then and now, but when that time comes i'll only have worked here for a little less than 2 years.  that's not very long in one job and, if i'm completely honest with myself, there is definitely some guilt involved here.  i'd feel guilty leaving.  i already feel guilty leaving and i'm nowhere near that yet!

but more than the guilt about leaving is the fear of not leaving.  i hear my thought process in my head and all i can think is "this is how it happens.  this is how people 'take breaks' from school and never end up going back."  i don't want to be one of them.

anyhow, that's the long-term worry.  for right now, things are good at work.  i'm planning on tabling this little problem for the time-being, taking my GRE's and applying for grad school for 2011 no matter what.  a lot can happen before i have to make this decision so there's really no point in me letting it get to me right now.  but i'd love to hear your thoughts on it, or some advice or similar experiences, if you've got any!

December 8, 2009

perfecting incompetence

adjusting to work has not been easy.  learning the ins and outs of a new organization, getting to know the different working styles of the individuals that make that organization run, and, for me, having to let myself make mistakes on a regular basis has been an almost-nightmare.

because i'm a perfectionist.  i value perfection.  my new boss values perfection.

and i am so less than perfect right now.

there are two reasons i can spot right off the bat that explain my inability to attain that level of performance i'm most satisfied with:
  1. it doesn't exist.  perfectionists as a rule like to delude ourselves into believing that we can actually be perfect.  that we can always go above and beyond what was expected of us, that we will never make mistakes, and that those who do make mistakes are simply not paying enough attention or working as hard or using enough common sense.  this may or may not be absolute bullshit.  to even entertain the thought that mistakes won't happen is insane.  and honestly, why would you want to be perfect (other than for your own self-serving need to get praised when you please others)?  how do you learn if nothing you do needs changing?  how do you utilize that time-honored tradition of education through trial and error?  you don't.  and though i know all of this, though this all makes complete sense to me, i still can't help being a perfectionist.
  2. nonprofits, as a rule, lack the ability to accumulate, record, and maintain any sort of institutional knowledge.  because of the low pay and the subsequent high turnover rate, there doesn't seem to be any one place or person where someone (say, a new employee perhaps?) can go to learn the ropes.  instead, she (and by "she" i mean "me") is given assignments and asked to complete them in unrealistic time frames.  when she asks someone where something is, or how to do something, or what she's supposed to do about something, she's lucky if she doesn't have to go through every person in the organization just to find out how to go about finding out the right answer.  which inevitably means that the work doesn't get done on time, or it gets done wrong.  and doing both of those things just completely messes with the way a perfectionist operates.
it's not that i don't appreciate having a job, or like the people i work with, or believe in the mission of not only my organization but nonprofits as a whole.  i just hate feeling incompetent, and that's all i've been feeling like lately.

today in particular was a hard one.  a few weeks ago, i was given a [seemingly mind-numbingly simple] assignment for a mailing to go out to certain people in our organization's network.  the problem was that the person who knew anything about anything was on vacation until after the thanksgiving holiday.  fine.  so when she came back last week, i wanted to get the assignment done as soon as possible (particularly since we were on a deadline of placing an order for things we needed for the mailing by the end of day on wednesday) because i was also in the middle of another project that had a deadline of friday and had top priority for me (had to do with donors, and for a nonprofit nothing is more important).  unfortunately, it seemed everything i did for the mailing assignment was wrong.  i presented options, and the options were continually shot down due to some requirement i didn't fully grasp the importance of before doing all the work.  finally, on wednesday (after 5:30pm), after realizing that the mailing project had caused me to fall painfully behind on the donor project, i find something that everyone can agree on and place the order.

(sidenote: the donor project ended up being okay)

fast forward to today, which is when we needed the order to come in because we have certain employees flying into town tomorrow that need the order to complete the mailing project.  i get the box with our order and realize that it's somewhat small.  i open the box.  and flip out.  the order is right (i.e. it serves our purpose)...but it's wrong (i.e. it totally doesn't look like what my boss - or anyone else - wanted it to look like).  it was exactly what i ordered, only i didn't look closely enough at what i was ordering.  in all the frustration, confusion, needing to meet deadline and satisfy all of these crazy requirements (not least of which was an extremely tight budget), i didn't take a close enough look at the specs of what i was ordering.  and we'd had it personalized, so i couldn't return it (not that it would matter, since there would be no time to return it and get a replacement anyway).

so now i feel completely incompetent (how hard is it to get a stupid order right?), and completely irresponsible (didn't i find it necessary to read all of the item details before placing the order?).  and because my boss is as much of a perfectionist as i am, i'm also worried about keeping my job.

needless to say, it's rough start and a worse day.

November 27, 2009

that's me, the glorified secretary sitting in the corner

remember a few weeks back when i went on that interview i thought went badly?  well, as it turns out, it didn't go as badly as i thought, because they called me back for a second interview.  then a third.  and then they hired me.

i am now an organization assistant (read: glorified secretary and all around office bitch) for a nonprofit that works for a very good cause.

the job started about three weeks ago, syncing up perfectly with my lack of blogging, and it has been hectic, to say the least.  my entire first week was spent prepping for a conference that was going to happen during my second week.  my second week was spent traveling to hawaii for said conference, which entailed waking up each morning at 4:30a.m. so i could work until 9:00p.m. that night.  but i can't complain since i got to spend some time with my niece and nephew.

this week, my third week on the job, was spent doing the things you usually do during your first week of work: orienting yourself to a new job, finding out where things in the office are, learning everyone else's working styles, familiarizing yourself with your newfound responsibilities, and trying desperately not to think of all the free time you used to have and how you squandered it away.

it's been tough getting back into the groove of things.  not only is the waking up before 9a.m. part a difficult and reluctant adjustment, but having to report to someone, and having to constantly be "on," hasn't been easy either.

i also realized something somewhat annoying about myself this week: i come across as very young when i feel nervous.  is this normal for everyone?  i just don't feel like i appear calm and collected when i'm attempting to be cheerful at work all the time.  and what is that, this need to be cheerful?  since when have i ever cared if people thought i was cheerful or not?  so i've been hyper conscious in the last several days about how i come across to my boss, who is definitely the most serious personality i've ever encountered.  i'm hoping that he'll just chalk up my nervous immaturity to having just started a new job.

i'm hoping to feel like i actually fit in sometime this year.

either way, i'll keep you posted.

October 15, 2009

overqualified much?

i just went on my first interview this morning.  yes, i said first.  and it's definitely not the ideal position (it's administrative, and i was an administrative assistant for four years in college), but as you can tell by my previous posts, it's not like there are tons of job offers out there.

the thing is, i'm not sure how the interview went.  i'm usually really great at interviews, but this one was hard to read.  and it was a different sort of interview than i'm used to.  the interviews i've been on have usually been lunch dates, with people just sort of chatting and feeling you out, not a sit down and have three people ask you questions in a conference room.  i was prepared for it, but it still wasn't the most comfortable of situations.  i did not feel like i rocked this one.  i felt tongue-tied a lot, and i mentioned something that i wish i hadn't even though i was able to spin a bad experience into a lesson-learned sort of thing.

plus, (and i've actually been worried about this recently) i think that the interviews think i'm overqualified for the position.

which i am.

but i still need a job.

i mean, the organization's executive director kept asking me about how i was going to stay interested in the work if it was so administrative in nature and i was so used to much more intellectually challenging work.  his words, not mine.  and it's true, admin work gets really tedious and boring after a while.  but it's not like my interests are much less boring.  i generally do legal research, for crying out loud.  it's not really the high-strung, fast-paced creative environment it's touted as, let me tell you.  and besides, what am i supposed to do?  i'm overqualified for the jobs i could get, i'm underqualified for the jobs i couldn't get, and the jobs i want are non-existent.

that doesn't leave me with much.

it's just frustrating i guess.  one more reason to wish i had re-thought going to law school.

in light of this, i want to pose a question to you all:  should i take the J.D. off of my resume (as some have suggested)?  would you?  how would i explain the huge gap in my life if i did?  if you leave it on there, what's your best answer for being asked how you think you'll stay interested in a job you are obviously overqualified for (but need desperately)?

January 5, 2009

no, no, you need a REAL job.

just some randomness tonight:

over break, my mother said something interesting to me. i tried talking to her about the fact that i'm not sure i still want to be a lawyer. i tried talking to a bunch of my family about that and got the same stunned disbelief from everyone. none of them can understand why i would pass up the opportunity to get such good paying jobs when i have them at my fingertips. i guess a part of me still understands that. it wasn't too long ago that my driving force was the fear of being poor again. it's not an easy life, and i can see why my family, my parents in particular, need to believe that i'll go through with becoming a lawyer. i'm the first college graduate in my family. i'm the first to go to law school. i'm the first to, in the most conventional senses of the word, "succeed." so for my mother, hearing me say that this career that i've worked so hard for may not be what i want must be terrifying.

i've never not known what i wanted. in fact, i may be the only one in my family who has ever set out to do something ambitious and followed through with it. it's what i'm known for. my stubborn ambitious drive. if i will something to happen, it'll happen simply because i refuse to accept anything less. i guess the fact that i wasn't a hot success at law school (aka, i'm not top 10% in case you're wondering) has kinda showed me what all that stubbornness has got me: not a whole lot.

i'm not happy. that's just the bottom line. i'm not happy.

and when i sit and think about what really makes me happy, i can think of things i'm interested in (indigenous rights and policy, environmental and wildlife conservation) and the things i'm passionate about (writing, travel). and so over break, i told my mother that i really want to write something. i want to write a book. now, this is a huge confession for me, to say this out loud and approach it, well, realistically.

and my mother says this: "well, maybe you need to do that. maybe you just need to get it out of your system before you get a real job."

i almost died on the spot.

how can my mother, this woman who loves me so much, who comforts me through any hardship, who knows me so well, actually know me so very little when it comes down to it?

sigh.

all this is just to say that i've started writing again. tonight. i've started writing for fun, for myself, and it feels like it's been forever since that last happened.

maybe i'll get it out of my system.

but i doubt it. this is me. this is who i am. and one day i'll let them see that, and they'll understand.

other than that, here's some fluff for you:
  1. i'm obsessed with O.A.R.'s "shattered" at the moment. i predict it'll be on repeat for the next several days. but it's inspired me, so i'll just go with it, as usual.
  2. if you're following me on twitter, you know i've become a fan of "the city". i wasn't huge on "laguna beach" or "the hills" but for the some reason, i love this spin-off. there's just something about it. maybe it was that whitney found an apartment in tonight's episode, and i'm desperate for an apartment at the moment. i need to move out. need. but if that's not it, then hot jay doesn't hurt either. incidentally, tonight's episode also had the best song placement that i've heard in a while. you tube it. the last scene with beyonce's "if i were a boy".
  3. i've begun the ever-looming post-graduation job search. here's what i've got so far: i'm applying for an internship (another internship! will i never get a real job?) with penguin group, as well as a 1-year associate position at random house. yes, those are publishing houses. no, they have nothing to do with law. yes, they are in new york city. and yes, i do realize i'm in a long-term monogamous relationship with a high school teacher in the bay area. (we'll deal with this when/if the time comes). i'm also applying for a few fellowships, which are in fact legal in nature (including the one at the firm i'm currently at), a public policy publishing internship, and one internship position located in wellington, nz. yes, new zealand. SO, here's my plea to everyone out there (readers, commenters, lurkers alike), if you come across any interesting open positions in the fields of public interest law, public policy, indigenous rights, environmental rights/law/protection, wildlife conservation, publishing, editing, travel, writing, and/or research, please send them my way (mandyland67@gmail.com). lol. until the writing thing pans out, this is obviously my search for a REAL job.

June 17, 2008

hah!

drum roll please...

today i got offered a position at the firm for the entire school year! woot-woot! lol. so one of the partners walks into my office and tells me that everyone is really pleased with the work i've been doing so they've decided to see if i would consider staying on the academic school year. they'll be flexible with my hours, i probably won't work more than 15-20 hours each week, i can work from home or school some days if that's better for my schedule, i can get paid or credit or both if USF will let me, and it's just PERFECT!

*sigh* sometimes, things just...work out.

June 13, 2008

summer update!

i guess i haven't really taken the time to write down my thoughts about the job i'm currently interning at this summer. well...i'll just do that right now, while i'm taking a short break from said internship.

so for the first half of this summer, i'm working at a small law firm in berkeley which represents native american tribes exclusively. i have to say right off the bat that i love this job. it was the perfect choice for me. i mean, the office is close to home, it's really casual (i can wear jeans and slippers, if i want to, though i usually don't), everyone is really nice, they bring their dogs in to work sometimes, they work in the very specialized field that is one of the few parts of law that actually interests me, the hours are flexible (though i'm usually here from 9-6 daily anyway), and it pays. so all in all, it's been fantastic.

i obviously can't talk about the cases i've worked on, but a majority of them have had something or other to do with environmental law, which i love as well. it's surprising how, in practicing tribal law, you gain this cursory knowledge of all other types of laws (i.e. environmental, tax, criminal, constitution drafting, statutory interpretation, etc.). and in a few of the projects (on in particular, see last post), i've gotten really interested and will definitely keep tabs once the internship is over.

so my days usually start around 9-ish. i get to the office and pretty much just jump right in. i'll spend most of my days researching whatever project one of the attorney's has given me, then i'll generally draft up a memo for them to let them know what i've found in my research. as you can imagine, knowing me, the handing in of these memo's tends to be really nerve-wracking each time i do it.

i think i'm probably learned more in these short few weeks than i have in the two years i've been in law school, but i guess that's to be expected. and it's not just the legal stuff either (i.e. what pro se or in pro per means, what a general stream adjudication is, just how important legislative history is since Congress has decided to be perpetually vague, etc.). i think i've learned a lot, particularly in regards to how i operate in a work environment, my strengths and weaknesses, and where i want to be in my future.

for example, i should be a little more confident in my work. generally (and i stress, generally), i tend to do good work. my memo's tend to be thorough and well written, and i'm an average to good researcher. but i need to work more quickly. i feel like i'm producing the work, but i'm doing in rather slowly. and while my researching skills tend to go in my favor, i get really anxious when i can't find the things the attorneys need me to find in the time they need me to find it in, even though we all know its out there and accessible. and then, of course, there's be one or two times when i've turned in a memo and the work i did just wasn't what the attorneys wanted/needed. and they're really nice so they'll tell me in the best way possible that i interpreted the question they gave me slightly different from the one they needed me to answer (this one happened this morning, in regards to this case on water rights - which i admit is really complicated and i know nothing about, but still), or that i didn't find support for the answer, which was an extremely reasonable one, that our client needed so my memo was sort of useless(which happened last week and involved a statute that has so many vague provisions and so little caselaw that i was going crazy just to come up with any arguments at all). but i beat myself up over those times because i really want to do well here and make a good impression (especially because i'm applying for a fellowship here after graduation).

and i get it that i just started and i can't expect to know everything and find everything when i've never practiced law before...but i don't like not being good at what i set out to do. in fact, i hate it. i want to be perfect at this now. i want these people to be like, "wow, she's great!" you know? it's stupid, and i know it's impossible, but when i'm not perfect, or when i'm not producing everything these attorneys need me to produce, i feel incompetent. i can't stand being incompetent. this is a learning experience, yes, but this is also a job. i need to do well at it.

i don't know. i think i've just be feeling like, because of the short time i'm going to be working here (only 2 more weeks!), there's no coming back from doing bad work. there's no time to make up for it and prove that i really am capable and smart or whatever.

and yes, i also realize that i'm paranoid. none of the attorney's have given me the impression that i'm any different than any other summer associate they've ever had. but i'm a worrier. as N. said, i get nervous about everything.

that's why i've listed these things under the "weaknesses" category. i need to work on them. i know.

but all of this has also really made me think about my future as an attorney. do i really want to be an attorney? i think i do...right now. but i know that i don't see myself being one 10 years down the road. am i just wasting my time then? but i can't think of any other job that i would want to do besides what i'm doing. and i'm so close to getting my j.d...it would be stupid to stop now. and again, what would i do with myself??? *sigh* i hate being an adult.

ANYWAY, that's me in a nutshell right now. i'm going home next weekend (just for the weekend) to watch L. get married, and to [hopefully] meet my new niece. then i'm coming back to work to finish out the week, and then i'm officially off for summer! i've finally accepted that i need the break. i'm at the burn-out stage, i can feel it. so i'm taking july and most of august off, heading to ireland for 10 days, and just relaxing. sounds like heaven...

what i want to do with my free time:

join a gym. take yoga. do more hiking. go bike riding. read lots and lots of trashy romance novels. write something...finally. rearrange/redecorate my room. buy new book shelves. visit A. (providing i have the money to do so). hang out with boyfriend and friends more. revamp the JLSC office at school. make some headway on the article i'm writing with prof. K. get a dog (not going to happen). go apartment hunting (probably not going to happen). learn to drive on the freeway (will have to drag myself bodily out of the house to do this). bake more. cook more. take pictures. go camping at yosemite. go to lake tahoe. so much more.....

June 5, 2008

native issues

Battling Upstream
The tribes on the Klamath know that as the river goes, so go the salmon
Sunday, April 13, 2008

The Klamath River surges just below Merk Oliver's house. Right now, the water is slightly turbid, clouded and green - perfect for steelhead fishing. The Klamath is the second largest river in California, following the Sacramento, and its watershed encompasses a landscape that seems removed from the rest of the state by time as well as distance. Freeways, the digital economy, the entertainment industry, industrial agriculture - up here they seem like ill-recalled dreams. But what happens on this river affects Lower California greatly. It determines whether commercial fishermen and recreational anglers can take salmon - and whether there'll be fresh wild salmon in markets and restaurants in San Francisco and Los Angeles. Ultimately, it figures into the availability of water for the state's homes and farms.

Oliver's home is several hundred yards from the river's mouth, and from his property you can hear the muffled reports of big combers breaking on the beach. A group of Yurok Indian youths are in the yard, grilling Pacific lampreys - anadromous, eel-like fish with circular mouths filled with sharp radula. Lampreys are highly esteemed by the Yurok, and are gaffed in the winter during low tides, when they skitter across flooded sandbars from the sea to the river. The close proximity to the big surf makes eel snagging a dangerous business, and fatalities from sleeper waves occur with some regularity.

Inside the small, clapboard house, Oliver, a tribal elder, is eating strips of smoked salmon. Oliver is thin but not frail, an exceptionally handsome man with long iron-colored hair and dark eyes glimmering with humor. He is 78, and has lived in this home for 55 years. A wood stove provides radiant heat. On the walls are photos - of family and tribal members, but also of fish: big salmon arrayed on a plank, skewered salmon staked around a fire, a close-up of a lamprey in shallow water, a huge sturgeon hanging from a tree limb. The room smells pleasantly of smoke and fish. A few Yuroks are seated and standing around Oliver, who is ensconced in a comfortable chair near the stove. As he nibbles on the fish - symmetrical, long strips of blood orange chinook, translucent as stained glass - he uses a jack knife to carve a lamprey hook handle from yew wood.

Lamprey hooks are the essential tool for eel fishing. The requisite technique is to chase an eel as it lunges across the sandbar, snag it with the hook, then flip it high up on the beach with a flip of the arm and wrist. Oliver's eel hooks are held in particularly high regard, a set of finished hooks hang on a wire above Oliver's chair, the golden yew wood handles glossy. They are carved with uncanny accuracy to represent a lamprey head, right down to the radula in the mouth and staring, inquisitive eyes. The lamprey is an intelligent fish, say the Yurok; when you run after them with the hook, you can see the alarm in their faces. Somehow, Oliver has captured that sentience in his carving.

The talk is discursive, humorous and mildly chaffing. Oliver asks one of the young men if he is still seeing a Tlingit woman. Tlingits are a southeastern Alaska tribe, accomplished fishers and marine mammal hunters who have long... enjoyed must be the operative verb... a reputation for pride and aggressiveness.

No, the young man says, a half-smile on his lips. She went back north. Oliver nods his head sagely, intent on his carving.

"That was a tough woman," he says after a time. He looks around the room, fixes on a visitor sitting nearby on a stool. "That woman could've whipped three of you," he says. "She was fierce. Ate too much seal meat." There are gentle laughs, and heads nod in agreement.

This is a conversation that has been going on for a long time - eight to ten thousand years, give or take a millennium. That's how long the Yurok, California's largest tribe, have occupied this reach of the Klamath River.

The three main tribes inhabiting the Lower Klamath - the Yurok, Hupa and Karuk - all have maintained strong cultural identities, but the Yurok are perhaps most closely identified with the river. This is because of the location of the ancestral Yurok lands: From the Klamath's mouth and surrounding littoral territories to more than 50 miles upstream. All the Klamath tribes depended on the fish runs, but the river and its coastal nexus assumed particular significance for the Yurok.

The Yurok had access to the migrating fish as soon as they left the sea, when they were at their fattest and brightest. Along with the river - and its salmon, steelhead, lampreys and candlefish - they also had the open ocean to exploit. Their food sources included Dungeness crabs, seaweed, mussels, abalone and periwinkles from the intertidal zone. They carved - still carve - elegant boats from redwood logs, and were redoubtable mariners, hunting marine birds, seals and sea lions and fishing for ling cod and rockfish in the rough inter-coastal waters. They had first rights to the dentalium and abalone shells that were the primary medium of exchange for the Klamath River tribes.

The river was their source of food and wealth, and it was their highway, their means of establishing commerce with other tribes. They were a water people, and still are. The photos on Oliver's walls are religious icons - graphic representations of all that is sacred to the tribe: the fish. Fishing nets and implements. Boats. The River. Because in any conversation with a Yurok, it always comes back to the river. To a very significant degree, the river is the reservation: Tribal holdings extend 1 mile inland along each bank from the mouth of the Klamath more than 40 miles upstream. Most of the land is exceedingly steep, of little utility for anything except conservative and limited forestry. What the tribe has always had, and still has to a significant degree, is the Klamath.

"The river gave us everything we needed to thrive," said Troy Fletcher, a tribal member and resource policy analyst. "It gave us food, wealth, beauty. This was paradise, and we knew it." But like most rivers in North America, the Klamath has suffered. Agricultural water diversions have depleted the river's once mighty flows; four moderately sized hydroelectric dams along the Klamath's main stem - plus a huge dam on its major tributary, the Trinity - have greatly reduced the spawning grounds for anadromous fish. Too, the main stem Klamath dams warm the river's water, encouraging destructive parasites and blooms of toxic blue-green algae. Increasingly, it is clear the Klamath can have the dams or it can have fish, but not both. For years, the Yurok have been at the vanguard in a battle to remove the dams. Allied with them are the other Klamath tribes, commercial fishermen and sport anglers. Opposing them are the dams' operators - which have shifted over the years, as the facilities have changed ownership - and farmers in the Upper Klamath Basin, who divert the river's water for potatoes, grain, alfalfa, horseradish and other crops.

The Klamath always has been a major front in California's water wars, one that has waxed especially hot throughout the Bush administration. In 2001, increased downriver flows by the U.S. Bureau of Reclamation to sustain salmon were resisted by Basin farmers, who seized irrigation canal head gates in protest. Water availability already was a flashpoint issue on the Klamath because much of the Trinity's flow is diverted south for the state's cities and agricultural lands. The Upper Basin skirmishes heightened the sense among the tribes and their allies that the entire system was being drained, with no regard for the fisheries and the people who depended on them.

In 2002, the Bush administration sided with the farmers and slashed the releases to the river, delivering the water up to the irrigation districts. A massive fish kill on the Klamath followed; the salmon never really recovered from the blow. The incident scarred the collective sensibility of the Yuroks, and it is a subject that still engenders deep anger on the reservation. The situation on the Klamath has far-reaching consequences - all the way down to Monterey. The scarcity of Klamath fish has resulted in multiple truncated commercial salmon seasons for California and Oregon, because the Klamath fish mingle with the nominally more plentiful Sacramento River salmon in the open ocean. As the Klamath goes, then, so go the fortunes of the West Coast's commercial fishing fleet - and the Bay Area availability of fresh wild local salmon. [Some fisheries biologists say it's already too late for salmon in the Lower 48 states. Development, logging, water diversions and dams, they claim, have compromised the spawning streams to an irreparable degree. Oceans warming due to climate change - and perhaps overfishing - are just additional nails in the coffin.

As of this writing, the Pacific Fishery Management Council - the regulatory body that governs West Coast marine fisheries - is poised to proscribe all salmon fishing for the 2008 season. The reason: An unexpected collapse in Sacramento River salmon stocks, which up to now have been relatively robust. If the ban is enacted as expected, it will be the first complete salmon closure for the California coast since commercial fishing began more than 150 years ago. But many fisheries experts maintain Pacific salmon and steelhead can be revived in the continental United States. Further, they say, salmonid restoration will have ancillary benefits. Bill Kier is a Humboldt County consulting biologist who has designed computer programs to track fishery restoration efforts on the Klamath; they are so accurate they have been applied by scientists across the country. Kier acknowledges that the data on southern range Pacific salmon is a mixed bag.

"But I still believe they have a very real fighting chance," he said. "The fact is that caring for salmon results in stabilized watersheds, better water quality, more wildlife - and in general terms, a cleaner environment. If you manage water and land for salmon, it doesn't matter if you're talking about the Klamath or the creek that flows through Mill Valley - life will be better not just for the salmon, but for the people who live in those watersheds, whether they're Native Americans, farmers or suburbanites."

Dams are not the only thing winnowing the Klamath's salmon. A couple of years ago, fluctuating ocean conditions off western North America reduced the production of plankton, the basic building block for all marine food webs. Pacific salmon typically run in two-to-four year cycles, so many biologists think the plankton paucity had a deep and negative effect on the fish populations that are now returning - or rather, not returning - to the rivers.

Oliver, who has been watching the fish runs all his long life, is convinced pollution also is a major factor in the decline.

"Everywhere in the world, people are using these harmful chemicals to do everything, right down to cleaning their toilets and dishes," he said. "The timber companies are spraying their lands with herbicides, and it runs into our rivers. The farmers are using too many pesticides. The whole system is poisoned, and the fish can't take it."

But for the Klamath, most biologists agree, the biggest problem is the dams. The battle over their disposition has raged in the courts, Congress and the media for two decades. Last year, the Yuroks and their allies caravanned to Omaha in an attempt to meet with Warren Buffett; his firm, Berkshire Hathaway, had recently purchased PacifiCorp Power, the company that owns the Klamath hydroelectric dams. Buffett declined to meet with tribal leaders to discuss possible dam removal, claiming he never interfered in the management of subsidiary companies.

He may have been unnerved by a similar trip the Yuroks, Hupas and Karuks took to Scotland in 2004 to engage representatives of Scottish Power, the company that owned PacificCorp at the time. The Scots, who consider themselves a tribal and salmon-loving people, hailed the Indians as kindred souls and heroes, and reviled Scottish Power. Chagrined, Scottish Power executives promised to negotiate a solution with the Klamath tribes. Instead, they sold PacificCorp to Berkshire Hathaway.

After getting stonewalled by Buffett, a certain level of depression settled in along the river. But it now appears that serious negotiations about dam removal and increased flows were not wholly undermined by Buffett's rebuff. Indeed, talks have continued - both with Upper Basin irrigators and PacificCorp. The negotiations, Fletcher said, are at a sensitive stage, and he won't discuss details. But other stakeholders who weighed in on the Klamath for this article indicated a deal is very close. Not everyone is completely thrilled by the prospect. Both commercial fishermen and the Hupa tribe - who live just upriver from the Yurok - have expressed concerns that the settlement now under consideration may not guarantee sufficient flows for the Klamath. "That worries us," said Zeke Grader, the executive director of the Pacific Coast Federation of Fishermen's Associations. "On the other hand, we're not going to actively oppose a settlement. We have to have good cops and bad cops on this thing, and the Yuroks are the good cops. We understand that."

Fletcher did say any settlement must be predicated on the removal of the main stem's four dams and adequate downstream flows for the fish. He also noted the tribe never really felt like its fight was with the farmers.

"After (the) 2002 (fish kill), we reached out to them," Fletcher said. "They share a lot of our values. They're rural people, people who are tied to the land, who are spiritual and hard-working. And like us, they face an unstable future. When we started talking to them, we realized, hey - we have a lot in common with these guys."

But there is still PacificCorp. The farmers aside, Fletcher acknowledges it is naive to think any corporation would sign an agreement that results in a significant financial loss simply because other parties consider it the right thing to do.

"We understand this has to make sense for PacificCorp," he said.

Fletcher is built like a logger: big shoulders and arms, and a torso like a keg. Arriving at tribal headquarters near the Klamath's mouth for a recent interview, he walks into the building with his hands blackened from grease and soot. He had just driven over a snowy mountain road from the hamlet of Weitchpec, about 40 miles upriver. En route, he had come across a car engulfed by fire, and had stopped to help its owner put it out. That kind of instinctive willingness to aid a neighbor in trouble is embedded in most rural cultures, but in Yurok society it extends to the landscape itself.

"We believe we were given an obligation by the creator to restore and protect our land and our fisheries," Fletcher said. "It's spelled out in the preamble to the tribal constitution. For us, this goes back to the beginning of time. The challenge right now is extreme. But the obligation has always been there, and it will never change."

As part of meeting that obligation, the tribe imposes fisheries closures and season quotas on its members, even though the Yuroks have the sovereign right to catch as many fish as they want. Not all members are happy with the strictures, though they comply.

One tribal member who feels the regulations should loosen up a little is Tommy Wilson. Orphaned at 13, Wilson went to Atlanta to live with a married sister.

"That big city," he said. "I couldn't hack it. After a couple of months, I came back here, lived on my own, and did what I had to do to stay alive."

That included selling salmon, sturgeon, black bear parts and home-grown marijuana to a friendly man who later turned out to be an undercover U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service agent. In court, Wilson argued that his sovereign rights allowed him to make a living from tribal lands through any reasonable means.

"I said that we should be able to thrive, not just survive," he said. "That means when I catch a fish or kill a bear, or plant a seed and harvest the plant, I should be able to do with it what I want. We were once a wealthy people - and it was this river that made us rich. I didn't feel the federal government had the right to force bare subsistence on us."

The judge agreed, and threw the case out of court. But despite his entrepreneurial views - by no means unusual among the Yurok - Wilson obeys the tribal fishery regulations without rancor. That, of course, is integral to being a Yurok tribe member in good standing.

"Individually, we don't define ourselves first and foremost by our professions," said Maria Tripp, the tribal chairwoman. "To us, the most important thing is to be Yurok. Work is what you do - Yurok is what you are."

Courtesy among tribal members and hospitality to visitors is written into the Yurok constitution. There isn't any emotive breast-beating or preaching, but everyone is expected to strive for right thinking and right acting. You see this manifest, especially, when it comes to boat building.

The Yuroks have been carving redwood log boats for thousands of years; the craft are exquisite artifacts by any measure, and sacred to the tribe. All the boats are carved by hand without jigs or other mechanical aids, and a long apprenticeship is required before an artisan is allowed to create one without direct supervision. More than a steady hand is demanded of the carver: A clear mind and quiet heart also are requisite.

"No one is allowed to approach a boat if he is angry or upset," said Fletcher. "We believe the boats are living things - we carve then with hearts, lungs and noses. They can be affected by bad thoughts and feelings."

On a large, grassy lot in front of tribal headquarters, tribal member Dave Eric Severns has been carving a boat every day, up to 12 hours a day, since Thanksgiving.

"It's not something you just - do," Severns said, slowly peeling away long strips of straight-grained wood with a gouge. He moves slowly and talks softly, seemingly out of deference to the boat. "You live it. I work on this boat all day, way into the night. And when I go to bed, I still see it in my thoughts. It stays with me in my dreams, and then I wake up early in the morning and come back out here."

This is the first boat Severns has carved on his own, after working for six years under his mentor, George Wilson. It's about 20 feet long. The log it is carved from was more than 5 feet in diameter, and weighed about 1,600 pounds. When the boat is finished, Severns said, four men will be able to lift it and move it with ease.

"This is a river boat," Severns said, moving his hand along the smooth, brick-red gunwales. "The ocean boats were up to 60 feet long and 12 feet wide. Eighty years ago, Yuroks used the ocean boats to deliver milk from Klamath dairies up to Crescent City (about 20 miles). They were incredibly seaworthy craft."

There is a knob in the bow section of the boat that is meant to represent its heart; a small black stone rests on it. The stone, says, Severns, is a lock that keeps the boat secure.

"Boats had primary owners, but anyone could use one if they needed it - unless there was a rock on the heart," Severns said. "Someone from the tribe comes by here and sees the rock on this boat's heart, they know it isn't supposed to be moved."

Up at Oliver's house, the lampreys have finished cooking on the charcoal grill. Nearby, a couple of young men check conditions in a large smokehouse. It is full of lampreys; they hang like golden stalactites from racks near the rafters. One of the Yuroks cuts off a slab of grilled eel, rolls it in a slice of white bread and hands it to a visitor. The meat is dense, rich, oily and incredibly sweet. Oliver walks among the youths, evaluating the cooking techniques, sampling eel, essaying humorous comments. Sometimes he simply looks at the river for extended periods of time. Tripp says Oliver and other elders are the tribe's bedrock assets, keeping the people anchored to their place in the world.

"When my friends and I were going to college (at nearby College of the Redwoods and Humboldt State University), Merk was always coming around to feed us with traditional foods," she said. "He was out of time - connected to the old, old ways. He kept us grounded, made us understand who we are and where we came from."

A map of the Klamath Basin area

The fog over the Klamath Valley

The toxic algae which grows in the warm waters of the reservoirs behind the Klamath dams. This algae has been shown to be dangerous to people and pets who play in or drink the water from the Klamath River, and is probably dangerous to the Klamath fish and those who eat it.

Dead fish.

More dead fish.

September 4, 2007

i think i'm in a bad relationship

i had a great thought while i was taking a shower last night: being in law school is like being in a really bad relationship. i mean, the symptoms are all there - suffocation, alienation, depression, frustration, moodiness, drastic change in personality, etc. when you're in law school, you can't do anything else. you're stuck. you've lost your independence.

for example, i used to travel. i picked up and went when i wanted to. i wanted to see ireland? three months later i was there. i wanted to see new zealand? five months later i was there. but when you're in this bad relationship, all you can see in five months is the same old, same old.

you just...lose your drive for more because you're so caught up in making this relationship work through to tomorrow.

and this horrible feeling spills over into the rest of your life until you're brain tells you to be unhappy everywhere, with everyone. and though you know it's all in your head, rationality really doesn't apply anymore. and you recognize that too.

but the problem with all of these bad relationships is that you have his perpetual hope that it'll get better. you know, you just know that if you can see it through, if you can stick it out for a little while longer, things will be okay.

until then? you're kinda screwed.

in other news: fast for Haiti debt relief on thursday!

and i've got an idea for a story. that hasn't happened to me in a few years. i feel like i want to horde it, keep that idea safe, not let anything tarnish or break it. but i'll try to write it down anyway. isn't that what writers do?

August 6, 2007

doing our part

Created by the Institute for Justice and Democracy in Haiti:


Half-Hour for Haiti: Cancel Haiti’s Debt This Summer

Update: First of all, I’d like to welcome everyone who has joined the Half-Hour for Haiti program over the last few weeks, especially all the folks who signed up at the U.S. Social Forum. We’ll look forward to working with you to obtain justice for Haiti! Thanks to everyone who wrote two weeks ago asking Prosecutor Gassant to free political prisoners as part of his efforts to reduce the prison population. Mario Joseph, the prisoners’ lawyer, appreciates your making his job easier. Mario does not have good news to report yet, but he’s still working on it.

Coming Attractions: On August 18 there will be a Grassroots Music and Arts Festival at Bethel Farm in Hillsboro, New Hampshire. The festival will feature music, art, films, hiking, swimming and other summer fun, with proceeds going to the Institute for Justice & Democracy in Haiti.

The Jubilee USA Network (IJDH is a member) is organizing a 40-day fast for debt cancellation and economic justice from September 6 to October 15. There will be events focused on Haiti, including a lobby/call-in day, the first week of October. Jubilee USA is looking for organizations to commit to participating in the one-day fast on September 6. Joining the fast will help get the mobilization off to a good start, while also demonstrating that you care particularly about Haiti (we’ll be fasting at IJDH). For more information, see http://www.canceldebtfast.org/.

This week’s alert: comes from David Smart and Amanda Pacheco, two law students with the Center for Law and Global Justice at the University of San Francisco:

Contact your representative in the House about cosponsoring the Haiti Debt Cancellation Resolution (House Resolution 241) urging the World Bank, IMF, Inter-American Development Bank, and other financial institutions to immediately cancel Haiti’s debt.

Use the August Recess to Show Your Support

Your local representatives will be working in their district offices during the upcoming August Congressional Recess. Much of this time will be spent listening to constituent concerns so it is an ideal time to show your support for the bill. 17 new cosponsors have signed on since the beginning of June, making a total of 62. We are getting close to having enough support to force a hearing, and the August recess is our opportunity to get over the top.

Why Existing Debt Relief is Not A Solution: In April of 2006, Haiti reached the “Decision Point” under the World Bank and IMF’s Heavily Indebted Poor Countries Initiative (HIPC), making it eligible for debt relief programs. If Haiti were to reach “Completion Point” under HIPC, it would qualify for cancellation of around $586 million of its total $1.4 billion debt. But because of the harmful economic conditions reaching this “Completion Point” entails, it is doubtful that Haiti will see much debt relief, and will have to continue making large repayments until 2010 at the earliest. By that time, Haiti will have repaid $270 million to financial institutions.

Many leading economists consider the conditions and required economic, social and political targets being forced on Haiti misguided, and frequently harmful, as evidenced by the results of HIPC conditions in other developing nations (click here for more on the problems of HIPC conditions). These conditions will mean that, between now and 2010, in a country of only 8 million, 100,000 children will die before reaching the age of 11 months, 40,000 will die before the age of 5, and 6,000 women will die during childbirth. Immediate debt cancellation will not save everyone, but it will have an immediate and dramatic impact on the health of millions.

Haiti is the poorest country in the western hemisphere and simply cannot afford to pay $270 million between now and 2010. Even more unjust is the fact that over half of the loans were granted to dictatorships that used them to buy luxury items and subjugate the majority of Haiti into submitting to their rule. How can we ask the poor citizens of Haiti to pay back these loans?

By unconditionally ending the debt now, millions of dollars could be invested in health care in a country where 50% of people are chronically undernourished and only 1 in 10 has access to clean water near their home. Haiti has the worst prevalence of adult HIV outside Sub-Saharan Africa and with the current infection rate, 1 in 10 Haitians will have the disease by 2015. Life expectancy in Haiti is only 53 years and falling, compared with 74.9 in Mexico and 77.3 in the United States. Haiti also has the worst infant mortality with almost 1 in 10 live births ending in death.

Immediate Debt Relief Will Save Lives Immediately

Acknowledging the need for immediate debt relief, 62 representatives from both sides of the aisle have already co-sponsored the bill. By canceling the debt immediately we can assist Haiti in the improvement of the healthcare, education, sanitation, and other essential services and infrastructure. Not only must Haiti be freed of the oppression of dictatorships, but also of the oppression caused by the onerous and odious loans they incurred.

Contact Your Representative Today!

The best way to reach your Representative this month is at a town meeting or other public meeting in your district. Members of Congress will be trying to see what their constituents care about, make sure Haiti makes the list. Last year several Representatives were convinced to sign on at these venues. Email info@ijdh.org for an information packet you can hand to your member of Congress.

Call your representative in both the district and Washington DC offices. Ask them to cosponsor the Haiti Debt Cancellation resolution in the house (H.Res.241) if they have not already done so. To co-sponsor, the member’s staff should contact Kathleen Sengstock in Rep. Maxine Waters’ office at (202) 225-2201.

To find your Representative go to visit http://www.house.gov/. For more information, and to take action, visit the website of the Jubilee USA Network, www.jubileeusa.org or the Institute for Justice and Democracy in Haiti, www.ijdh.org.

A FEW MINUTES OF YOUR TIME COULD BENEFIT THE LIVES OF MILLIONS

For more information on debt relief, human rights in Haiti and the Institute for Justice & Democracy in Haiti, see www.HaitiJustice.org. To sign up for bi-weekly action alerts, send an email to HalfHour4Haiti@ijdh.org.

June 26, 2007

everyday's a first...

so today was the first time i ever quit a job.

i don't know how i feel about it yet. granted, it definitely was NOT a good fit for me (or for my employer, apparently), but i still feel like i disappointed someone (my employer, myself, who knows?). because even while i felt that my employer was rude or hypocritical or inconsiderate (and i do think all of those things), at the same time [i'm guessing] she thought i was...incompetent?, disrespecting of her practice, and that i handled the situation poorly.

do i feel like i could have handled our...confrontation...better? don't we all, in retrospect, feel like we could have handled uncomfortable situations differently? i can see how she would have preferred i respond to her in another way, but i was doing what was suitable for me at the time. self-preservation, anyone? furthermore, i feel like, as an employer and a professional, she SHOULD have handled the situation much better from her end. she should have respected me more, made less assumptions, and alloted time for training.

so either way, i should be really happy that i'm no longer there. but i still feel like i've done something wrong.

i've never quit a job before. i've never been ill-received by an employer. i've never really had an employer be happy to see me go.

i guess there's a first for everything!

eh. i'll get over it.

June 4, 2007

Stepping onto my soapbox as we speak

Today I start my first ever legal internship at the Meiklejohn Civil Liberties Institute in Berkeley. The plus? At least it'll only take me about half the time to get there as it takes me to get to USF. The minus? It's a new job.

Wish me luck! I'll continue this post tonight to update on how the day went.

P.S. Welcome back B!

*********************

Alright, so day 1 down...the entire summer to go! I guess I can say that I like what I'm going to be doing this summer. Right now, Ann (our director) has me working on a flyer for the US Social Forum happening in Atlanta at the end of June (I think). This means that I've been poring over the UN Convention for the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination, the first mandatory report the US submitted on this treaty (although the US actually combined what was supposed to be the first 3 reports into the first 1 they submitted, and did so extremely late), the UN Committee's conclusions and recommendations to this report (in which the UN requested that the US submit its 4th and 5th reports by 2003 --which the US did not do), and the US 4th, 5th, and 6th report (again, combined into 1) submitted in April of this year. My job is to look over the changes - if any - that the US made in accordance with the UN's conclusions and recommendations, and any changes they did not make that they should have, paying particular attention to "Katrina" and Guantanamo Bay incidences. And I work with a really great girl from U of O that knows some people I knew in high school. Such a small world sometimes. All in all, pretty interesting stuff.

I celebrated by going to Bay Street and buying 2 pairs of work-pants. Fun.