Blogging Through My Debt: Goals Reached and Uncertainty Ahead

I've been on this journey to get out of my financially crushing credit card debt for nearly 2 years now.  But I've earnestly been on this journey to get out of my financially crushing credit card debt for only about 5 and a half months.  That's because, before January, I don't think I was really doing everything I possibly could to get myself out of debt.  Though I had cut my spending, I still shopped.  And though I made my monthly payments, those payments were never large enough to pay more than my accumulated interest.

And then at the end of the 2010 and the beginning of 2011, I started to really think about my future.  About growing up and buying for quality instead of quantity, about saving for things like a wedding and retirement, about one day owning a home, and about traveling without practically breaking my credit card in two trying to do it.  And I realized that I seriously needed a financial make-over if I was going to accomplish any of that.  I needed to get out of debt.

So that's when shit got real.

And what do you know?  When I really try, when I really put my mind to something and work at it, things start happening.  Because as of a few days ago, my credit card balance has looked like this:

Now I know this may not look that impressive, especially considering that I'm still almost $12k in debt.  But, that number used to be a lot higher when my Platinum and VS cards didn't read $0.00.

And so I've officially reached my second Blogging Through My Debt goal: I've paid off my Small Credit Card.  

Unfortunately, while in any other normal circumstances this would mean that all that money previously being funneled into paying off numerous cards could now be spent on just one, that's not the case for me.  Because I've recently put in my notice that I'm leaving my job and, as of June 1st, I'll be unemployed and will have no income to speak of.

....

Don't you like how I just casually dropped that in as if it weren't a huge deal?

More on the job will come this week, but as far as how much it will affect my getting out of debt...I'm still working on that.  I know the speed of this journey will take a hit, and I'm prepared for that.  I just don't know how big of a hit at this point, and that's really the scariest part.  Because who knows how long it will take for me to find another job?  Who knows how much that other job will pay me?  Who knows what kinds of financial crises can occur between now and then that will send me scrambling to bring the balance up on already-paid off cards?

I just don't know.  But I'm going to worry about that tomorrow.  For today?  I'm going to bask in my accomplishment.

Blogging Through My Debt: The Regret

There are a lot of things that have made digging myself out of the debt hole difficult: my new strict budget, the embarrassment, the lack of accountability, the complete lifestyle change this has necessitated (i.e. no more retail therapy or boredom shopping, learning to live within my means).  But as the second month of that new budget moves along and I start getting the hang of not shopping and spending only to pay bills, I'm faced with a new, even more difficult self-inflicted obstacle: my own regret.

Let me put it this way: I funnel almost $700 a month toward paying off my credit card debt (I know it may not seem like much, but when you're working at a nonprofit and getting paid like it, that amounts to a lot).  Imagine the things that could be done with that money if it were actually my money to save or spend as I saw fit.  There's a lot that I want to do -- just take a look at my Life List -- and putting every spare dollar I make toward my debt can be almost discouraging at times.  Especially when that debt is so huge that even with those payments each month, it just doesn't seem to shrink.  

It can start to feel hopeless.  And really stressful.  And that can make the whole process seem like a waste of time.

However, I'm also trying to remind myself that, without having gone through this financial overhaul, I would probably be spending all that debt-funneled money as soon as it was direct deposited into my bank account.  Because if nothing else, and regardless of the embarrassment and stress I feel at having stupidly accumulated all of that debt and now having to pay it all off, this has taught me to be much more responsible with my money.  I now have plans for when I'm debt free (if that time should ever ever come), and those plans are responsible ones like saving for trips instead of just putting those costs on credit, starting a retirement fund, increasing my emergency fund, and saving for a house (that's a big one isn't it?  Yeah, that may not happen for years to come).

So while, as you'll see in my next Blogging Through My Debt post, I won't be free of my credit card debt for a couple of years unless I find a new and better paying job sometime soon, I'm trying to find silver linings in this journey.  After all, I'm learning things as I go along and that's more than I could say if I had never made the attempt.  And once this is all over, I'll have accomplished something that at times still feels impossible.

Blogging Through My Debt: Renewed Dedication

With the new year just around the corner, I thought now would be a good time to take a look at my benchmarks and goals for my Debt Project and talk about what, if any, changes have or must be made.

If you remember from my last Blogging Through My Debt post back in August, here are the benchmarks and goals I'd set for myself (with those crossed out being the ones I've already accomplished):

1. Establish a $1,000 emergency fund
   
2. Pay off my Victoria's Secret credit card
3. Pay off my Visa Platinum credit card
4. Buy an iPod - REWARD!
   
5. Pay off my Visa Miles credit card
   
6. Buy an iPhone - REWARD!
   
7. Establish a $1,000 miscellaneous savings fund
   
8. Increase emergency fund to cover 3 months of expenses
   
9. Begin setting money aside each month for retirement and/or buying a home
   
10. Increase miscellaneous savings fund to $5,000
    
11. Buy a Mac laptop or a used car (depending on my lifestyle at the time) - REWARD!
    
12. Begin paying down student loans 
    

I'm a little sad to say that nothing has really changed (except that I got an iPod for Christmas so that will no longer be the goal for paying off my Visa Platinum).  If anything, I think I may actually be a little more in debt than I was in August.  It's sad to realize that, sad to realize that I haven't been as dedicated as I should have been, and that had I thrown myself whole-heartedly into getting out of debt I could have funneled a lot more money this past year into paying off cards than I actually did.

One of the biggest problems has been that I had no timeline for myself.  Sure, I had goals, but when were those goals supposed to be accomplished by?  And I think I also felt guilty about leaving myself money each month to purchase things I wanted, because when you're in as much debt as I am and you know you need every single penny you can get your hands on in order to pay it off, you just don't think to leave any play money for yourself.  But that's unrealistic for me.  What I've noticed over the last year is that I'll go for months without spending a dime on anything but debt, but then on the third month I'll go completely off the reservation and spend hundreds of dollars in one fell swoop, canceling out any good saving I'd done before.

So what I'm going to work on over the next several days is a new goal/benchmark plan that incorporates dates so that I have deadlines for certain things (I've always worked best with deadlines), and a new budget that takes into account my personality quirks.  I'm not trying to be lenient with my debt -- I know that this isn't supposed to be fun or easy -- but I am trying to realistic with my relationship with money, particularly when seeing how my Debt Project has gone over the last year.  Changes need to be made, like now.  The budget may be little bit of a challenge though, because who knows if I'll still be working full time at the end of January, but I'll write my budget as if I am and adjust accordingly if I need to.

For those of you who are also working on getting yourselves out of debt, for some great inspiration you should check out Ashley over at A Story of Debt.  And congratulate her while you're at it!

Blogging Through My Debt: Benchmarks and Goals

It occurred to me recently that, while I've said a bunch of times that "I want to be out of credit card debt," I've never really sat down and outlined the specific financial goals I have for myself.  Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever actually thought it through.  This journey has been a very general one for me; all I've been concentrating on is each months payment and the end result of being debt free, but I don't know that I've thought about the benchmarks along the way or what I hope to do once I am debt free.

This is that post, and here are my goals (the ones that are crossed out have been completed):

1. Establish a $1,000 emergency fund
2. Pay off my Victoria's Secret credit card
3. Pay off my Visa Platinum credit card
4. Buy an iPod - REWARD!
5. Pay off my Visa Miles credit card
6. Buy an iPhone - REWARD!
7. Establish a $1,000 miscellaneous savings fund
8. Increase emergency fund to cover 3 months of expenses
9. Begin setting money aside each month for retirement and/or buying a home
10. Increase miscellaneous savings fund to $5,000
11. Buy a Mac laptop or a used car (depending on my lifestyle at the time) - REWARD!
12. Begin paying down student loans

A note on the rewards: I'm a big believer in finding the right motivation for yourself.  Deprivation, whether it be in finances or dieting, rarely works with me so I've had to find things that do.  My iPod finally died on me last week (it was a long time coming), and I've been going back and forth between holding out and using Nate's iPod until I can afford a new one or just giving in and heading to the Apple store with my credit card.  Then I wrote this post and decided that a new iPod would be a reward for myself when I finish paying off my current credit card.  Up until this point, this card has been like a bad habit: it's been impossible to get rid of.  But now, knowing that I'll be able to start saving for my reward right after I've paid it off, my motivation has increased tenfold.  Same goes for the iPhone.  (Though, how do you all feel about using the iPhone as your iPod?  Good idea, bad idea?  This will affect my reward benchmarks.)

Also, you'll notice that I didn't add a time frame on these benchmarks because, with quitting my job and going back to school being in my plan sometime during the next year or two, my income level will definitely be changing.  I obviously hope that I'll be able to find a job during school, but I can't be sure at this time, nor would it most likely be a full time job anyway.  Overall though, I think this is a plan for the next 3-5 years, not considering things like [perhaps] saving for a wedding, etc.

The time variables have actually been something I've been struggling with lately.  It's hard to make a financial plan when you're not even sure of your plan in general.  For example, I think I know how long it'll take me to finish paying off my Visa Miles card, but that's only if I can consistently make the payments I've set out to make, and if I'm back in school next Fall (versus the following Fall), that plan completely changes.

I think the lesson learned so far has been to be flexible.  Not to be lenient, but to understand that circumstances change.  You just have to remain diligent about bringing your debt down, even if you have to rethink how and in what time you go about doing so.

Blogging Through My Debt: The Struggle

I'm having a bad day week month when it comes to money and my budget.  There just doesn't seem to be enough of the money to work with both the budget and the want.  I knew from the start of this journey that I would reach this point, and I'd wondered how I'd deal with the struggle.  Would I persevere through it, not spending a dime outside of the parameters I set for myself?  Would I fold and say, "How 'bout we just forget this whole crazy business of getting out of debt and go shopping instead!"?  Or would I fall somewhere in the middle?

Well, I'm in the middle.

Here's how it's going one week into August:

1. I didn't write up an August budget -- my first mistake -- and have been relying on my [often not so stellar] self-control to keep myself from overdrawing my bank account or just overspending in general.  
2. There were some big purchases I needed to make (i.e. plane tickets to my sisters wedding)
3. There were some other purchases I just somehow justified (i.e. a monitor for the desktop computer I was given, clothes, lunch and coffee at work everyday this week), after which I immediately felt buyers remorse and am now freaking out over.  Though obviously not enough to return any of the returnable purchases.  
4. And while the bank account is safe from the threat of over-drawing, I've definitely overspent what my would-be budget would have allowed and subsequently will not be able to put as much toward my credit card this month as I had hoped.

It's no secret to me why I've got the sudden urge to spend, spend, spend after existing so happily on a budget for these past months.  I'm stressed about work, about taking the GRE's, about grad school looming around the corner, about paying my bills and never having anything left over to buy something pretty with, about my relationship.  You name it, I've probably managed to stress out about it recently and, as we all know by now, shopping therapy is my favorite kind.  It's a habit that's been especially hard to break.

But the good news is that I won't let this last.  I'm discouraged, yes, but I'm not done.  I think I've just realized that I've worked too hard to give up now.  And I'm definitely looking forward to being debt-free too much to stop working towards it.   So tomorrow night is set aside for completing my August budget, however difficult it may be after my minor shopping spree a little earlier.  I think that's the first step to getting back on track.

This whole ordeal has left me with a question though:  For those of you who are also working on getting out of debt, on those days when things were particularly discouraging, how have you managed to avoid giving in and/or giving up?

Blogging Through My Debt: Mistakes I've Made

In keeping with one of the points I listed last week, I wanted to write a little about my debt struggle as it stands as well as what I did to put myself in this position.  Currently, my situation is a little worse than where it was the last time I wrote a "Blogging Through My Debt" post.  While one of my credit cards remains paid off, and I've managed to both maintain my emergency fund and start a teeny-tiny miscellaneous savings fund, things aren't looking so great for my other two credit cards.  In regards to my Platinum card (which is the one I'm concentrating on paying off at the moment), while the balance may be less than what it was when I began this journey a few months ago, that's only because I managed to pay down that balance to a somewhat respectable amount before putting more purchases on the card in the past month.  My efforts, in the end, just canceled each other out.  And in regards to my Miles card, well on that I just spent more.  Plane tickets were purchased, household goods were bought, my balance skyrockets.

When the smoke cleared and I was forced to look at the damage I'd done, I'm not going to lie and say it wasn't upsetting.  This was a complete blow to my morale and I began thinking, "What's the point?  If all I'm ever going to do is continue to spend, why even bother trying to stop?  Why stress out about it and work overtime?  Why punish myself over this?  Why not just keep going on as I've been going on and just worry about it later?"

Obviously, I was having myself a big, whopping, self-denial-inducing, pity-party.

But that's passed and now I'm just trying to get back into the habit of not spending what I don't have.  It sounds simple enough until you actually get on with it, and then it's all, "Wait, why can't I buy those books again?  I could just pay it off later and, after all, payday is only a week away..."  And along with not spending all that "fake money" comes tackling the larger issues (who knew that there were larger issues here?): the actions and mistakes that have led me to where I am today.

First of all, I'm an emotional spender.  Some people are emotional eaters, some are just emotional period.  I am an emotional spender, meaning that when things get tough, I generally go shopping.  I've written on variations of this admission before, often saying that I shop when I'm stressed, and that's very true.  But I also shop when I'm upset or unhappy, and sometimes even when I'm bored.  I've been trying to find ways to redirect this energy, like going for a walk with my dog, or tackling more creative pursuits, but since this is one of the biggest hurdles I'm facing in my attempts to get out of debt, I felt it needed to be mentioned here. 

My second problem seems to be that I see travel as an excuse to commit murder.  I'd probably go so far as to say that more than half of my total credit card debt can be traced to travel of some sort.  Some of my more recent travel-related purchases have been trips home to Hawaii a few times a year, tickets I bought for my sister to come and visit me, trips back up to Seattle to visit friends (or to drive up to Vancouver for the Olympics...), our 2008 Ireland vacation, and our 2009 Pacific Northwest road trip.  And while I know that I can't really afford these trips, I've somehow convinced myself that they're not only necessary, but they're worth it because experiences gained through travel are invaluable.  It's a strange sense of entitlement I feel and it's something that I need to address now.

And finally, it's become my habit recently to use the fact that I'm "too busy" as a reason an excuse to stop budgeting.  I seemed to be doing great through April, but when work began spiraling out of control during May and through the beginning of June, budgeting was the last thing in the world I wanted to think about when I got home.  Because of that, I spent indiscriminately, checked my bank account infrequently, neglected to pay my bills on time, and began living (once again) paycheck to paycheck.  "I'm busy" can no longer be an excuse because, soon, "I'm busy" turns into "I'm broke" and then where will I be?  I got paid on Friday and, since it was the start of a new month, I began budgeting once again.  Hopefully this will be the start of getting back on the right track again.

blogging through my debt: deep breath

i'm not sure if i'm celebrating or mourning, but feel free to do either with me. 

in other news, spotted:

finn in a box.

blogging through my debt: the progress bars

i just wanted to point everyone over to the nifty progress bars i've created and put in the right column of my blog.  i've been searching through different blogs lately and have really come to like the idea of having a visual reminder of both my debt (so i don't slip up and go on an impromptu shopping spree) and my hard work in bringing that debt down.  plus, it's yet another way of keeping me accountable since you can all see it and call me on it if those progress bars are stationary for any extended period of time!

things have been okay lately.  there were a few minor set backs when my direct consolidation application didn't go through as quickly as i initially thought it would, and i had to cough up another $800 worth of student loan payments this month, in addition to the new $115 private loan payment that came due this month as well.  unfortunately, what this meant was that the largest of those loans (the $488 one) is not getting paid on time this month.  it really just came down to making a tough decision and, with this, i took dave ramsey's advice: when you have to make these kinds of choices, always cover your basic needs first.  food, housing, living necessities.  when those are covered, then you hit the bills.  if it means that one of those bills is going to be a few days late one month, then that's what it means.

it seems counter-intuitive, but i don't think there really was much i could do about it.  perhaps better planning in the future, perhaps taking money out of the emergency fund to make the payment?  i just didn't know what was smartest, so i made the decision that felt right to me.  i've only been late on any sort of payment once or twice in my life, so believe me, this was a big deal to me, but i think i did the right thing.  i also called to check up on my consolidation application and was told that they should (cross your fingers!) be sending me out the necessary paperwork in the next few weeks, so hopefully i'll be able to avoid this situation in the future.

i also just did my taxes and (get ready for the celebratory dance) once my return is direct deposited into my bank account, i'll be able to hit the minimum $1000 in my emergency savings fund, pay off my vs angels credit card, and put the remainder toward either another credit card payment, or my miscellaneous savings fund for things like the upcoming travel i have to pay for this summer (sister's wedding), or saving for when i go back to school.  or to ensuring that my next student loan payment isn't late.

what's become clear to me over the past month since i started this journey (has it really only been a month?) is that it gets easier over time.  it really, truly is about changing your thinking just as much as it's about changing your lifestyle.  for example, though it seems like such a silly thing to me now, before all of this i think i really did consider my credit card to be my money.  when i wanted to shop and didn't have the cash, it was so easy to tell myself that i could just put it on a credit card and deal with it later.  well, now that's completely changed.  not only do i think about shopping less and less as i go along, but when i do, i never think about my credit cards anymore.  i think about the cash in my checking account, and i think about my budget.  because i've budgeted all of that cash somewhere already, i have no choice but to just accept the fact that i have no money to shop.

now this obviously doesn't mean that i never want to shop, but shopping has turned into something i'm looking forward to, a reward for my hard work in reducing my debt.  i know that when i have an emergency fund saved up, a miscellaneous fund begun, and my credit cards paid down, i'll actually have the money to spend on something nice for myself.  and the beauty of it is that, by that time, i'll have so much more control over my money that i won't overspend anymore.

so simple.  why wasn't i doing this all along?

blogging through my debt: a hard weekend

there's a certain time of the year that N. and i like to call "murderer's row."  it includes the following traditionally gift-giving days: christmas (dec. 25), our anniversary (mid-jan.), valentine's day (feb. 14), and our birthday (beginning of march -- yes, we share the same birthday).  this year, because of the state of our finances and our new outlook on money, we've decided that christmas was really the only day we'd exchange store-bought gifts.

overall, this was working out fairly well.  we did something really home-made and sweet for our anniversary, and have been budgeted within an inch of our lives this month so we haven't really been spending any money at all lately.  but then this weekend happened, and the fact that we couldn't spend anything really began getting to me.

now, i'm a huge fan of holidays.  big or small, i love going all out for them.  prior to meeting N., when i didn't have a valentine, i always tried to do something special on february 14th, whether it was getting my hair done, planning a dinner with friends, whatever.  it usually always required money.  and this year, aside from the fact that i haven't gotten my hair done in nearly a year, not being able to think of something special to do with N. that wouldn't cost us any money was just depressing.

added to that, my older sister called me sunday morning from the iphone her husband got her, sitting in the new car her husband got her, while she was just returning from the spa day her husband got her, to tell me what an awesome valentine's she was having.  when she asked what N. and i were doing to celebrate, i told her: we're going to run errands, go grocery shopping, and watch more of the olympic winter games on tv.  why?  because it won't cost us any money.

and i know there are things to do that don't require money.  in fact, N. ended up making our valentine's day dinner really special for us just so that the day didn't feel like every other day.  but i just wanted to share with you all the fact that this journey of ours, from being overrun by debt to hopefully being debt-free, isn't as easy and wonderful as i may sometimes make it seem.  there are somedays, like sunday, when i feel angry that i got myself into this situation, when i wish to my core that i could buy something for N. that he's really been wanting, when i get frustrated with him after i find out he tried to get us reservations for a restaurant we in no way could have afforded (and then i feel terrible, because it's such a sweet thought).

this isn't fun, and it definitely comes with its fair share of difficulty.  lifestyle changes usually do, i guess.

but sunday is over, and we came through it without breaking our budget.  while that may seem like a small accomplishment as it was only one more day, when you're doing something hard like this, you have to really appreciate every single accomplishment you make, no matter the size.

it's important to just take things one day at a time.

blogging through my debt: money and ostriches

this weekend was one of those knock down, drag out weekends.  this was the weekend N. and i set aside to work out our budget.  we wanted to get one done before february started so that we could begin the month as on-track as possible, and hopefully set off on the right foot in terms of newer, better spending habits.

to say that this was an emotional two days would be the understatement of a lifetime.

let me start by saying that i was really, naively looking forward to this weekend.  for some reason, it didn't quite register to me just how hard it would be.  i think logically i knew it would be difficult, but that logic didn't really register with the more emotional half of my brain.  the fact that i got through without bursting into tears gives me cause enough to be ecstatic.

i think it was so hard for me mostly because of the way i operated up until friday.  ever since high school, i've always been incredibly responsible when it came to money management.  growing up, my parents always made sure i was aware of the type of life i didn't want to have, and that meant i had to be particularly aware of the money i earned, where i spent it, and how i saved it.  this hadn't been a problem for me until i graduated from college and moved down to california.  i now recognize that move as pivotal in my financial well-being, in that it completely wrecked it.

i don't know why, maybe it's because i didn't have any money for the move to begin with, or because i'd become so used to having an income (i worked all through college for any and all money i used...which is probably why i was so responsible with it) that when i began law school and couldn't have a job, i just didn't know how to survive on financial aid alone.  whatever the cause, it was my own personal recipe for financial disaster and, because of my history of being pretty smart with my money, it also became a source of shame.

i'll go into some of my more specific debt mistakes in a future post, but let me just say that i've made a lot of them in the last three and a half years, and have racked up most, if not all, of my credit card debt in that time.  once i became aware of how substantial that debt was becoming, and once law school was over and i was really broke (because the financial aid stopped rolling in and i couldn't find a job for a while), i began being really afraid of my money, and so began taking the "ostrich approach."

the ostrich approach is obviously enough when someone has something they really don't want to deal with, and so they just stick their head in the sand hoping they'll never have to.  unfortunately, this never works because bills still need to be paid and your debit card still needs to be used.  so when you finally do work up the courage to log into your online bank account, you get hit with that sick, punch-in-the-gut, stomach-dropping feeling when you see your balance and realize it will not pay for you and your lifestyle.  and it's too late, this month, to change so, hey, why not wait until next month?...

that was me.

i knew this weekend was just going to be a whole lot of those punches.  and saturday was.  after finishing my initial budget and realizing that my expenses (and these expenses don't include any sort of extra's, no clothes shopping money, no miscellaneous money, no savings money, nothing) exceeded my income by more than a thousand dollars, i won't lie, i wanted to cry and throw up and bury my head back in that familiar, safe sand.  but i didn't.  instead, i worked with it.  i tweaked and moved things around, and tried to figure out how i was going to pay for certain bills at certain times.  and while my expenses still exceed my income, it's only by about $200.  and, with N.'s help, my bills are getting paid.

by the end of sunday, i was feeling pretty damn good.  this month will be tough (dave ramsey said so), and N. and i will probably go over budget as we adjust to these new habits, but i feel so good now just knowing where my money is going.  even though i don't have a lot left in my bank account after writing those checks for student loans and utilities, at least i know that those things are paid.

so this is my first word of advice for those going through a financial make-over like i am: don't ignore your money.  know exactly how much you have at all times, and tell it exactly what to do and where to go.  doing this, even when you don't have very much, will be a big step toward relieving some of the stress that comes along with money problems.  knowledge, as always, is power.

blogging through my debt: the beginning

i've been thinking a lot about money lately.  maybe because i've been reading Ashley's (of Writing to Reach You fame) new blog A Story of Debt, maybe because all of my student loans came due this month, or maybe it's because it's the season of giving (and by giving we actually mean buying).  any one of these reasons would be enough to get me to take a good, hard look at my spending habits, really, and it's about time too.

so i have a few confessions to make:

• as i know i mentioned in many previous posts, i have a problem with money.  in that i spend it too easily/quickly/arbitrarily/mindlessly/etc.  as N. likes to put it, i tend to "live above my means," or at least i seem to try to.  my family was definitely always one of those paycheck to paycheck households and, now that i'm older, the thought of getting my own electricity cut off, or not making rent, or not being able to pay bills still sends me into severe panic attacks.  but the point is that even though growing up we didn't have, and even though not having was perfectly fine in terms of what we needed most of the time as kids, i still wanted.  so now i spend, regardless of whether or not i have.  my vices include gifts for my loved ones, eating out several times a week, and clothes.  i have a severe, severe addiction to clothes shopping.
  
• my credit card debt (not to be confused with my educational uber debt) is astronomical.  because i want to be completely honest here, and because this will be a way to hold me accountable, i'll confess that my current debt falls somewhere in the vicinity of $13k.  roughly $11,500 of it can be found on what i'll call my miles card, and the other on my little card.  i have about a hundred dollars on a victoria's secret angel card as well.  admitting this is humiliating, to say the least.
  
• when i calculate my portion of the rent and bills, along with my phone, credit card payments and my latest personal hell's angel, the student loan payment, my monthly expenses (not including groceries) total more than half of my monthly income.  because i've been jobless for most of the past several months, i haven't paid my portion of the rent since september.
  
• even now, after having suffered another anxiety attack just this past monday because i didn't have enough for december's rent and all my bills this month, i still want to shop.  i probably want to shop because of all of this.  i've even bookmarked webpages.  it's a sickness.  this will undoubtedly be my biggest struggle.
  

aside from reading Ashley's blog and finding solace in the fact that there just may be others like me out there in the world, as well as talking to some of my closest friends (one of which is living primarily off of ramen at the moment), there are a few things i'm doing to begin to get myself (and my money) under control:

• at the suggestion of a really good friend of mine, J., N. and i have enrolled in Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University.  now, let me just say a few things about this right off the bat:  this will not be for everyone.  i'm not even sure N. likes it right now.  dave ramsey isn't saying anything new or enlightening.  i can guarantee you that you've heard it all before and just didn't/wouldn't/couldn't follow through.  he's also quite preachy, and very Christian.  i sometimes feel like i'm surrounded by the mars hill superfans (holler if you're from seattle!) when i watch his lessons, and i'm only taking them online.  finally, and probably most ironic of all, you have to pay for this course.  it's about money management, about spending less and putting less on credit cards and all that, and yet, it doesn't come cheap.  needless to say, i wouldn't have done it had it not come so highly recommended by someone i've known for years who's gone through it with her entire family.  we've nearly completed the first lesson and i've already realized that i'm not where near where i want/need to be, financially, and i can't just ignore it.
  
• as part of the course, i'm anticipating having to create a budget for myself.  i'm really excited about this.  and i think i can make it work as long as i'm realistic about my budgeting.  i tried to make one last year, but the problem was that i tried to cut myself off from all of my habits cold-turkey.  it just doesn't work.  i left myself no wiggle room for going to a nice dinner every so often, or buying something for myself once in a while.  with the kind of personality i am, under that kind of restrictions i'm likely to just say "screw it" and head on out to Target.  so this time around, i'm really looking forward to creating a workable budget for myself, that also includes AN INCOME!
• i'm getting back to my roots.  somehow, my parents managed to raise an incredible family on very little.  we had food every night, clothes every day, and little luxuries every once in a while that worked perfectly fine.  they did it, and since i'm heading home next week, i thought what better time to pick their brains and get some money saving ideas.
• i have goals this time around.  not just some abstract idea of "saving money," but actual concrete goals that i can work towards if i follow my budget.  here are some of them:  1) i want to create a $5,000 emergency fund, 2) i want to cut up all but one credit card, and 3) i want to save at least $5,000 to use to possibly go abroad for grad school.

i'm going to try and continue to chronicle my own debt struggles and, if you find yourself in a similar boat, i'd encourage you to stop by every once in a while so that you too know you're not alone, and definitely head over to A Story of Debt, where you'll find even more support and an even better read!

wallow

a short post because i refuse to allow myself to wallow so completely for very long.

the fact that i still haven't found a job is astounding. i mean (and i know this will sound arrogant, but i promise i don't mean it like that), how exactly has it been nearly two months of applying for jobs and i've gotten no call-backs? how?

the economy, you say.

no shit, i say.

but someone is getting these jobs. and yes, they probably are way more qualified than i am (though i'm already over-qualified for a lot of these positions), but doesn't this go against some sort of law of physics or nature or the universe? throw enough mud at the wall and some of it will stick, right? right?!

wrong, my friends. so very, very wrong.

because i've been throwing mud for weeks. none of it stuck.

and i don't think it would be so completely overwhelming (because hey, who couldn't use a two-month long vacation?), except for the fact that it's a hit to my pride, and i have bills to pay. lots of bills. astronomical bills.

bills that have brought me to my knees and made me promise God that, when i finally do get a job, i will never step foot in anthropologie again.

okay, that's a lie. (sidenote: maybe i should apply for a job at anthropologie...)

but you get the idea. lots of expenses, little money. practically no money at this point.

so this is all to say that i know some of you have been waiting for that post about my plans for the next two years. but amidst the sleepless nights (and by sleepless i mean SLEEPLESS), the frantic job hunting, and the frustration, i just haven't had time to think past next months rent. sorry. it's coming eventually.

alright! to make myself feel better, and because i neglected to post it earlier:



and just because (there never needs to be a reason for some rob): an oldie but goodie.

changes and renewals

after writing yesterday's post, i was left thinking about my new year's resolutions. i don't think there's been a year in my life where i've gone back and checked in to see how i was doing with my resolutions, and i definitely have never "renewed" a resolution. i'm going to try it this year though, because most things that are worth it require management and maintenance. here goes nothing.

Resolution 1):

join a gym. notice that for once it doesn't say, "lose weight." i never keep that resolution. this one is a bit more baby-step-ish, so i feel better about it. there's a gym i have in mind that i'm going to check out next week. and yes, the joining does entail actually going to the gym. i purposefully set up my class schedule so that it allows for more "me time" this semester, which includes exercising, so i think i'm headed in the right direction.

well, i'm technically still a member of the gym. and i love the gym itself. it's nice and clean and there are tons of classes to take. i never have to wait for a machine, the locker rooms are fantastic, and it's pretty close by. but if i'm totally honest, i have definitely not been sticking with this resolution. i don't think i've gone to the gym in a month (a month!). it's disgusting. my butt and thighs hate me, and my abs are officially AWOL. the really sad thing is that i think i'm going to have to cancel my membership from dream-gym. N. and i are going to be moving before june, and with the increase in rent and the decrease in budget (because the government doesn't give you financial aid for being a loafer), i can't afford what has essentially become a flab tax.

but who knows, maybe i'll find a cheaper gym that i'll like. (*looks around, skeptical and depressed*). if not, i can always just get a dog and run around the block.

Resolution 2):

write. this one excites me. it's purely meant to be writing for pleasure. not publication, not academia, just for fun. whether anyone will ever read it doesn't really matter. i need to write again.

well, according to my last post, i've failed at this resolution too. i don't write regularly, and it's mainly because of the same old reason: i claim i have no time. i mean, i've written for publication, and i'm currently writing for academia, but as we see by the resolution i wasn't about to take my own bulls**t excuses, so those don't count.

i am completely willing and ready to renew this resolution though.

Resolution 3):

get out of credit card debt. for more on this, see "confessions of a shopaholic" post.

let me just say that i've officially paid of not one, but TWO of my three credit cards! of course, the one that isn't paid off yet is the biggest (with the highest interest), but i had to start somewhere. i'm still dealing with the mental block that is me not being able to give up that credit card because it's my miles card (i've already earned a round trip to europe or south america!), but i'm trying!

again though, because of the move (which wasn't supposed to happen until the fall, but is now happening WAY ahead of schedule), my monthly payments on the card will be a bit smaller than they have been. and once we're in the process of the actual move and we have to buy stuff to furnish the new pad, i'm worried that the credit card will be back in high demand. particularly since my budget at this point is pretty frozen. without a job lined up after graduation, and with a post-bar trip to pay for, everything's really, really cramped.

but i'll renew this resolution anyway. where there's a will, right?

Resolution 4):

not make myself sick over what may happen after graduation. my problem has always been that i need a plan to the point where i make myself suffer if i don't. this is the first time in my life that a huge life change is coming up (graduation in may), and i have absolutely no idea where i'm going to be after it. currently, i have the possibility of a job i may want lined up, and the ability to apply for other jobs i probably don't want at my fingertips. it's the first time i don't know what i really want though, and normally, this would make me sick to the point where i wouldn't be able to function. but i'm working on not letting my ocd tendencies get the better of me. things will work out. things will work out. things will work out.

haha. hahahahahaha.

huh? oh, sorry, this isn't a laughing matter i guess. okay, in all seriousness, i haven't completely failed at this resolution and i'm of course going to renew it. N. and i have talked about it, and if we have to do long-distance again for a while because i can't get a job in our neck of the woods (the bay area is terrible right now for lawyers), then that's what we'll have to do. it's nice to have the support system.

i've also been told by the firm that, though they can't hire me on as a fellow this year, if i were to apply next year i've got a better-than-most shot at the position. SO, i'm applying for several other fellowships (one taking place in both hawaii and new zealand, which seems ideal and frighteningly too good to be true. fingers crossed!), and i'm not above getting some random job to pay the bills. in a perfect world, i'd either get the fellowship from God, or i'd find a great ngo to work for that would stimulate both my mind and my bank account. we'll see.

resolution renewed.

Resolution 5):

be happy. this one ties in to the last one and is probably the biggest and most important of my resolutions. while i didn't have control over a lot of what happened in 2008, i did have control over my reactions to those things, and in the end, it's those reactions that paved the way for how the year would proceed. so my only conclusions can be that i made myself unhappy this year. i made 2008 difficult for myself. and i refuse to do that in 2009. whatever else happens, i want to approach my decisions, big or small, with the goal of being happy. should i take the bar? well, would it make me happy to do so? should i apply for this job? well, would i be happy if i was offered the job and accepted? it may sound selfish, and i'll try not to be, but i just feel like this is a much better approach, and a sort of middle ground, to how i usually go about doing things. we'll see how it turned out, i guess, on december 31st, 2009.

resolution success in full swing! i can't even explain how much things have changed between last semester and this one. i don't know if it's just the fact that i can see my graduation just ahead of me shining like a lighthouse in a really bad storm, or if i've just changed. maybe it's both?

i just notice that i'm happier now than i was six months ago. i no longer have that constant feeling of discontent. not everything feels out of control. and i know that most of it has to do with the fact that my grandfather's health has improved, and if i let myself think about it i realize that it won't always stay that way, but for now i'm just excited to be excited again. i don't think i'm usually such a difficult or depressing person, and being that way 24/7 was making me feel like a stranger in my own skin.

so i'm a success story here, and i'm definitely renewing this resolution!

hackers

so this week has been a little rough. not only was i coming back from hawaii, but i was also getting back to school after spring break, i've been trying to complete my moral character application for the bar exam, and i was a victim of identity theft.

this last one really pissed me off.

so on tuesday, i wake up and my phone is blinking as usual, signifying that i have new email. i don't check it right away because, again, as usual, i'm running late and have about 15 minutes before i have to head to the BART in order to get to my 9:30 class on time.

at some point, while i'm bored on MUNI, i remember the blinking light. i get my phone out and check my email. imagine my surprise when i have not one, not two, not three, but four emails from itunes giving me my receipts for the purchases i apparently made the day before. $200 worth of purchases.

i flip out.

this is the second time in 2 months i've had an account hacked into. last month it was my ebay account, where some idiot hacked in, bid on 2 video games from the UK, and won. thing was that ebay will email me to let me know that i won these items, and when i got those emails i quickly contacted the sellers and told them it was some sort of mistake (a word of advice: ebay sellers are not sympathetic to the fact that your account has been broken into), disconnected my paypal, and closed my ebay account altogether. after this happened, i changed the passwords for as many accounts as i could remember, but apparently forgot to do so for my itunes.

back to tuesday morning. i get to campus after reading these emails and am a mess. i'm a mess because i've been working really hard to save money lately. like, really hard. and the fact that someone could just come in and screw me out of $200 sucked. and THEN i realized that, if this person has my passwords, chances are he has all my other stuff too (i suspect that when i used limewire to download some music, i got a virus or someone put some spyware on my computer or something), including my social security number, etc. it just made me feel really...exposed and violated.

so i contacted itunes. (can we just pause for a second to discuss how hard it is to actually contact itunes? why don't they have a simple number you can call?) i ended up "chatting" with some customer service guy who was all in all really friendly and helpful. he told me to contact my bank and file and claim, and itunes would cooperate with the bank in any way they could. so i contacted my bank, filed my claim, got the $200 credited to my account, and closed the card that was used. then i called the credit bureaus to put a fraud alert on my credit reports. then i sat there for an hour and thought of every single vendor i used to buy things online (amazon, target, jcrew, gap, old navy, victoria's secret, audible, anthropologie, urban outfitters, t-mobile, you name it, i thought of it) and changed all of my passwords.

it's been such a colossal pain in the ass, i can't even tell you.

and now i'm freaking out over every tiny thing i do on the internet. so, as a parting thought, here are a few tips my computer savvy friends offered me:

1. close your email every single time you're done looking at your messages. don't just let you email stay open when you're on your computer.
2. get a good antivirus. go ahead and spend the money on it, it's worth it. and scan your computer regularly.
   
3. do not download music from limewire.
4. try as much as possible not to do online banking.
5. don't leave your web browsers on and/or open unless you're actively on the internet. like your email, this just widens the window high-tech jerks can use to "see" your stuff.
6. check your credit report regularly if you do a lot of buying/selling online.
7. don't save your credit/debit card information to any of your online accounts. it doesn't really take a whole lot of time to plug that information in each time you purchase something. and think about it, if my debit card info wasn't saved to my itunes account (though i think for itunes you actually need to have a card on file), it may not have been so easy for those thieving bastards to steal my money.
   

confessions of a shopaholic

so i usually try not to think about my debt. i know it's probably not smart to ignore it, but for the most part, i do. but then there's always that day of the month where bills need to be paid, and you get to see on your little online banking statement that you are not only in debt, but you are actually in uber debt (and, here, i'm differentiating between the immense amount of money i owe on my school loans, and my credit card debt).

by credit card uber debt i mean that you owe more money than you can foresee yourself accumulating over the next year.

realizing this stresses me out. i'll think about it for the rest of the day, and start my trademark snowballing, during which i will go from being a relatively stable law student with money on her credit card, to the homeless woman down the street who looks at you kind of funny. i can't help it.

and, as i explained to the bank of america customer service guy once who was getting fresh with me and speaking like i was some spoiled teenager who didn't know what the hell a service charge was, it's not like i want to be in debt. it's not like i dug myself this hole in a few months. this debt has been growing since my sophomore year of college (though it was manageable back then because i had a job...). i mean, my parents are great but i really haven't been able to turn to them for money for anything since i went away to school. which is how it should be, i guess, but it's hard paying for your education/rent/living expenses/travel home on your own when you're a full-time student with a part-time job. and, unfortunately, for the last three years i've had to survive on a somewhat ridiculous budget given to me by the federal government, and not supplemented by paychecks.

and contrary to what some may think, financial aid is NOT the same as income, people!

but this is an excuse. because the real reason i'm in credit card debt is because i shop too much. this passed weekend, i watched "true life: i'm a compulsive shopper" on mtv. and while i don't go to the extremes those girl go to, i could sympathize. and because i realized earlier this year that perhaps my shopping was getting out of control, i've taken my credit cards out of my wallet, leaving me only my debit card for spending money. this has helped somewhat, in that i can't just charge my urban outfitters or old navy purchases, but it doesn't solve the problem for 2 specific reasons.

1. because my huge-debt credit card is a miles card, and so i put any flights i take on that card. and in case anyone was wondering, flights to hawaii are stupid expensive these days, and (all things considered) not going home is not an option at this point. i also put most of my ireland trip this summer on that card as well (yes, i went to ireland on this debt...i know that probably wasn't the best idea, but travel to me is practically like breathing. it's a necessity). it should, however, be duly noted that because of these massive charges, i can now fly roundtrip to europe on my miles!
2. since my credit cards are out of commission, i put all my purchases on my debit card, leaving me less and less money to pay off my bills with. and honestly, i shouldn't be spending money that needs to go toward making good on my debt.

so i don't know what to do. especially with the holiday season upon us. i love buying things for people. it's fun for me and fun for them, and i don't want to not give people the presents they want (although some people are getting homemade cookies instead of store-bought gifts this christmas). PLUS, i'm rationalizing it all by saying that i'll get a financial aid disbursement at the beginning of january, part of which i'll use to get rid of a good portion of my credit card bill. (then again, i said that last year too).

my only recourse at this point is to stop shopping for myself. and even typing that, i'm thinking, "are you kidding?! what about that top you wanted from urban outfitters? or those earrings you saw in anthropologie? or that bag from target? what about buying that new bookshelf you've wanted from ikea? or all those books you want to read? what about buying music? surely, that can't count..." i mean, it's difficult! it may sound simple and stupid and sort of common sense, but when you shop like i do, and when shopping helps to relieve law school stress like it does for me, not shopping is almost scary.

so here's what i'm going to look forward to instead. these are the things that i'm asking for this christmas that will [hopefully] replace my need to shop by keeping me busy, creative, productive, and excited:

1. joining a gym. not only because i really need to lose weight, but because i want to take some of the classes that are offered at this one gym nearby. now, don't laugh (which you may want to do since, at this point, you all know i'm probably the least coordinated person on the planet), but those classes include hip-hop and salsa dancing/exercise classes. and i want to take up yoga, and possibly pilates. this gym also has a pool, and as i am so much more of a swimmer than a runner, i think i'm set!
2. taking photography classes. i feel like everyone around me can take these stunning pictures of the most everyday, mundane things, and i want to do that. i've always wanted to try it and just never have. this will give me a good chance to learn more about it.
3. writing. K. said to me yesterday (after i complained about how i got an offer to publish another article, but it's not the kind of published i want to be - talk about ungrateful. i've since slapped myself back to humility.) that i can't get what i haven't written published. and if i want to publish fiction, then i have to write fiction first. so i'm going to choose one of the many stories floating around my head and get it out on paper. my lighter school load next semester will help.

i'm not going to list down "worrying about finding a job after law school" because that's stressful, will make me want to shop even more (i.e. shouldn't i buy new clothes for the new job?), and is a whole new post that will be up soon.

wish me luck.

cinderella

i don't know why, but i love this dress like it was my first born. it's in the window of iniam on college ave in rockridge, and i pass it every day on the bus up to cal.

i need this dress. i lust after this dress.

wouldn't it be the perfect new years eve dress???


oh, wow. it comes in white too.


now why does it have to cost $368?! i need to learn to sew so i can create my own knock-offs...

those damn vampires

Yeah, you wanna know what I don't appreciate?

Paying $34,000 for law school and having to teach myself the area of law I want to go into.

new levels of stress and exhaustion

so i forgot to send in my spring transcript to KSBE. my scholarship counsel just emailed me tonight saying that my scholarship is going to be delayed until i send in the transcript and they can review it. funny thing is that i had just printed out the KSBE address to put in my bag so i can order the transcript tomorrow when i'm on campus. even funnier thing is that KSBE has a gpa requirement of 3.0 for grad school scholarship recipients. so i may not even get the scholarship in the end.

PERFECT.

i have enough money to cover tuition and BARELY scrape by for the year. and i do mean absolutely bottom of the bucket BARELY. so it would definitely suck if they didn't give it to me in end. and i just totally don't think the grades from your first year of law school is any indication of how good of a student you are. all it tells you is how you do compared to a bunch of other people.

whatever.

in other news, i just rediscovered "hey there delilah" by the plain white t's. forgot how much i loved this song. and how...melancholy...it made me feel. the good ones always do. did you know that the song was written for a real girl? she was a student at columbia and an olympic hopeful. they never dated, she was never interested. but he thought she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, so he wrote the song from the perspective of a "what if". that almost makes it worse.

the bay just sucks you dry

can we discuss how expensive it is to rent in the bay area?

here i am, puttering around on craigslist (successfully blowing off studying for my contracts exam), and i quickly realize that with the money N. and i are going to spend on rent if ("if"? i really should start being proactive and say "when" instead, shouldn't i?) we move out, we could just as easily afford a MULTI-BEDROOM HOUSE in another area. i'm serious. look at north carolina. and yeah, i mean, what's in north caroline, right? you wanna know what? CHEAP HOUSING. and we're not talking ghetto either. no, we're talking brand new ocean side or beautiful historic down town.

okay, so i'm never moving to north carolina, but that's not the point. go look up seattle. we could get a nice apartment in fremont (beautiful lake side boutique-y FREMONT) for cheaper than it is to get an apartment in the middle of OAKLAND!

and we have this offer from N.'s mom. she wants N. to keep living at home for the first year of grad school so he can save money. if he does, he doesn't have to pay any rent. in additional (i guess it's "if i agree"), i don't have to pay utilities anymore. how's that for incentive, right? and it is great here (dog, family, nice house, low rent), but i moved out of my mom's house a long time ago, you know? i guess i'm just ready to move out of my boyfriend's mom's house too.

but that would be so much easier if i wasn't living in the most expensive area in the damn country.

so here you go USF, here's most of my money. and oakland? you can just have the rest.

*sigh* who am i kidding, i just really want to decorate something...