confessions of a shopaholic

so i usually try not to think about my debt. i know it's probably not smart to ignore it, but for the most part, i do. but then there's always that day of the month where bills need to be paid, and you get to see on your little online banking statement that you are not only in debt, but you are actually in uber debt (and, here, i'm differentiating between the immense amount of money i owe on my school loans, and my credit card debt).

by credit card uber debt i mean that you owe more money than you can foresee yourself accumulating over the next year.

realizing this stresses me out. i'll think about it for the rest of the day, and start my trademark snowballing, during which i will go from being a relatively stable law student with money on her credit card, to the homeless woman down the street who looks at you kind of funny. i can't help it.

and, as i explained to the bank of america customer service guy once who was getting fresh with me and speaking like i was some spoiled teenager who didn't know what the hell a service charge was, it's not like i want to be in debt. it's not like i dug myself this hole in a few months. this debt has been growing since my sophomore year of college (though it was manageable back then because i had a job...). i mean, my parents are great but i really haven't been able to turn to them for money for anything since i went away to school. which is how it should be, i guess, but it's hard paying for your education/rent/living expenses/travel home on your own when you're a full-time student with a part-time job. and, unfortunately, for the last three years i've had to survive on a somewhat ridiculous budget given to me by the federal government, and not supplemented by paychecks.

and contrary to what some may think, financial aid is NOT the same as income, people!

but this is an excuse. because the real reason i'm in credit card debt is because i shop too much. this passed weekend, i watched "true life: i'm a compulsive shopper" on mtv. and while i don't go to the extremes those girl go to, i could sympathize. and because i realized earlier this year that perhaps my shopping was getting out of control, i've taken my credit cards out of my wallet, leaving me only my debit card for spending money. this has helped somewhat, in that i can't just charge my urban outfitters or old navy purchases, but it doesn't solve the problem for 2 specific reasons.

1. because my huge-debt credit card is a miles card, and so i put any flights i take on that card. and in case anyone was wondering, flights to hawaii are stupid expensive these days, and (all things considered) not going home is not an option at this point. i also put most of my ireland trip this summer on that card as well (yes, i went to ireland on this debt...i know that probably wasn't the best idea, but travel to me is practically like breathing. it's a necessity). it should, however, be duly noted that because of these massive charges, i can now fly roundtrip to europe on my miles!
2. since my credit cards are out of commission, i put all my purchases on my debit card, leaving me less and less money to pay off my bills with. and honestly, i shouldn't be spending money that needs to go toward making good on my debt.

so i don't know what to do. especially with the holiday season upon us. i love buying things for people. it's fun for me and fun for them, and i don't want to not give people the presents they want (although some people are getting homemade cookies instead of store-bought gifts this christmas). PLUS, i'm rationalizing it all by saying that i'll get a financial aid disbursement at the beginning of january, part of which i'll use to get rid of a good portion of my credit card bill. (then again, i said that last year too).

my only recourse at this point is to stop shopping for myself. and even typing that, i'm thinking, "are you kidding?! what about that top you wanted from urban outfitters? or those earrings you saw in anthropologie? or that bag from target? what about buying that new bookshelf you've wanted from ikea? or all those books you want to read? what about buying music? surely, that can't count..." i mean, it's difficult! it may sound simple and stupid and sort of common sense, but when you shop like i do, and when shopping helps to relieve law school stress like it does for me, not shopping is almost scary.

so here's what i'm going to look forward to instead. these are the things that i'm asking for this christmas that will [hopefully] replace my need to shop by keeping me busy, creative, productive, and excited:

1. joining a gym. not only because i really need to lose weight, but because i want to take some of the classes that are offered at this one gym nearby. now, don't laugh (which you may want to do since, at this point, you all know i'm probably the least coordinated person on the planet), but those classes include hip-hop and salsa dancing/exercise classes. and i want to take up yoga, and possibly pilates. this gym also has a pool, and as i am so much more of a swimmer than a runner, i think i'm set!
2. taking photography classes. i feel like everyone around me can take these stunning pictures of the most everyday, mundane things, and i want to do that. i've always wanted to try it and just never have. this will give me a good chance to learn more about it.
3. writing. K. said to me yesterday (after i complained about how i got an offer to publish another article, but it's not the kind of published i want to be - talk about ungrateful. i've since slapped myself back to humility.) that i can't get what i haven't written published. and if i want to publish fiction, then i have to write fiction first. so i'm going to choose one of the many stories floating around my head and get it out on paper. my lighter school load next semester will help.

i'm not going to list down "worrying about finding a job after law school" because that's stressful, will make me want to shop even more (i.e. shouldn't i buy new clothes for the new job?), and is a whole new post that will be up soon.

wish me luck.