hello, 2009. it's nice to meet you.

so the other night N. and i were over at my bff's amazing new house with her new husband and my other bff, and we were having a sort of wrap-up of 2008 discussion. across the board, this has been a pretty bad year for most people i know. and my bff started talking about how it should have been a great year for us since we're the year of the rat and all (she's been finding out more about her chinese ancestry since she's been working on a genealogy project for grad school for the passed 2 months), but since that hasn't happened, maybe it'll roll over to 2009. she's prepared to do various things to ensure that this goes through (which many people, my grandmother for example, do), including cleaning her house from top to bottom before last night, setting off certain fireworks from the four corners of her roof at midnight, making the proper offerings of money or incense (?), and receiving licee, etc. i don't know a thing about any of this (though N. does since he's half chinese as well), but she said she'd include thoughts and hopes for my 2009 into her rituals, i'm not arguing.

my rituals, on the other hand, are slightly different from hers. i don't actually think i have any, come to think of it. originally, N. and i had planned to do a whole new years things with friends last night, but plans changed since we missed our flight back from hawaii on the 30th and ended up getting back to oakland at 10pm last night instead. it was silly, really. we didn't miss our flight for any huge reason; we were sitting at burger king in the interisland terminal chatting away before we realized that our flight was taking off. so we rebooked our flight for last night and ended up calling my older sister to come and get us so we could stay with her for the night. which actually worked out amazingly well, since it allowed me to FINALLY meet my new niece, and hang out with my nephew. not to mention that big sis let us borrow her truck for the afternoon, so N. and i just drove around to beaches, got something to eat, and hung out.

there are worse places to be stuck on a layover.

but since we got back so late last night, i wasn't in the mood to jump off of a 5 and a half hour plane ride and go straight to a party. so instead we just hung out at home, which was fine with me.

i have made some resolutions, however. i'm trying not to make them too overly ambitious since no one ever ends up keeping those resolutions, so they may not be too interesting.

1. join a gym. notice that for once it doesn't say, "lose weight." i never keep that resolution. this one is a bit more baby-step-ish, so i feel better about it. there's a gym i have in mind that i'm going to check out next week. and yes, the joining does entail actually going to the gym. i purposefully set up my class schedule so that it allows for more "me time" this semester, which includes exercising, so i think i'm headed in the right direction.
2. write. this one excites me. it's purely meant to be writing for pleasure. not publication, not academia, just for fun. whether anyone will ever read it doesn't really matter. i need to write again.
3. get out of credit card debt. for more on this, see "confessions of a shopaholic" post.
   
4. not make myself sick over what may happen after graduation. my problem has always been that i need a plan to the point where i make myself suffer if i don't. this is the first time in my life that a huge life change is coming up (graduation in may), and i have absolutely no idea where i'm going to be after it. currently, i have the possibility of a job i may want lined up, and the ability to apply for other jobs i probably don't want at my fingertips. it's the first time i don't know what i really want though, and normally, this would make me sick to the point where i wouldn't be able to function. but i'm working on not letting my ocd tendencies get the better of me. things will work out. things will work out. things will work out.
5. be happy. this one ties in to the last one and is probably the biggest and most important of my resolutions. while i didn't have control over a lot of what happened in 2008, i did have control over my reactions to those things, and in the end, it's those reactions that paved the way for how the year would proceed. so my only conclusions can be that i made myself unhappy this year. i made 2008 difficult for myself. and i refuse to do that in 2009. whatever else happens, i want to approach my decisions, big or small, with the goal of being happy. should i take the bar? well, would it make me happy to do so? should i apply for this job? well, would i be happy if i was offered the job and accepted? it may sound selfish, and i'll try not to be, but i just feel like this is a much better approach, and a sort of middle ground, to how i usually go about doing things. we'll see how it turned out, i guess, on december 31st, 2009.

anyhow, there it is. there are more mini-resolutions that i'm not going in to detail about (blog more regularly, read more frequently and eclectically, go to shows again, finish publishing my article, travel out of the country), but i think those are the biggies.

oh, also, i'm going to be working on a new blog layout over the next couple of days, and will probably be shifting over to wordpress, but i'll keep you posted.

stuff to come:

• flickr
• review of "the reincarnationist" by m.j. rose

lifestyles of the rich and famous

well, not really rich and famous. just me.

so i've been contemplating a lifestyle change over the passed couple of months. just in terms of my weight and health mostly. i think lawschool has shown me that i really need to take care of myself, and though my definition of a healthy lifestyle definitely differs from other people (i.e. i don't see a problem with drinking energy drinks, i have a weakness for soda that i'm not sure i can give up, and breakfast just isn't that important to me), there are certain things even i recognize need to be changed.

it started out slowly at first, with little changes i would hardly even notice. for example, i allow myself to eat fast food only once a month now, if ever. no micky D's, no burger king, no wendy's on the daily. just once a month. and then, only if that once a month happens to occur because nothing else is open (this usually happens when i get home from class too late). i used to buy bottles of water and keep those on hand because i've noticed that part of the reason i drink so much soda is because it's convenient. you know, open the fridge, grab a can, and off you go. so the whole act of getting a glass, pouring water, refilling the pitcher, then having to wash the glass, seems pointless when you can just have the ease of a soda can/bottle. i've stopped doing that because i went broke, but i think i should start it up again, since i was definitely drinking more water then than i am now. i also used to snack on veggies. i mean, i generally don't snack period, but i think it was better for my metabolism when i was snacking, and the snacking was on cucumbers and carrots.

so here's my plan so far: N. and i have (for the most part) cut out a large portion of the red meat we're eating. this is thanks to the Quints, who i saw this passed weekend. alex and pukui used to be vegetarians (i think alex still is...), and le'a is definitely a vegetarian now. and it was just inspiring i guess. especially talking to le'a and hearing about the foods she's substituted, etc. but N. and i are carnivores at heart, so we've decided not to go cold turkey. after all, let's face it, nothing's better than some rib-eye right off the grill! so we're allowing ourselves red meat once a week. i think he'll probably allow himself chicken as well, but i'm trying to eat less of meat and poultry altogether. so we'll see how we do without cow, pig, and bird. we'll eat a lot of fish. and i've started grilling/roasting a lot of squash and zucchini (yum!), which is great. i also think i'll start buying more fresh veggies and putting them in little baggies or zip lock containers for snacking. you know, kinda like portion control?

that's the biggy: portion control. i eat a lot at dinnertime. it's because i generally don't eat breakfast, and i've started eating salads for lunch. and i don't snack. so by dinnertime, i'm halfway to starving. and i overeat. it'll help that the overeating is done if veggies and stuff, but still...overeating is never good. so i'll have to watch my portion control.

oh! i also think i've convinced N. to allow me to mix our [sacred...lol] white rice with brown rice. my mom does it, and my older sister eats brown rice whenever her hubby isn't around, and i think it would help. N. was not too happy about that at first, but i think he'll come around.

i'll be seeing a nutritionist soon so we'll see what he/she says...

as far as exercising goes...well...hmmm. N. and i said we wanted to start hiking more, and that can happen beginning next week because i'll be done with work for the summer. my doctor also said i should get a gym membership and start working out for real (i.e. not just walking on the treadmill at home). she's right, i know she's right. but i hate exercising! oh well, we'll see how it goes. if i get a gym membership, i have to go, because otherwise i'm just paying a monthly "fat tax." (some clever comedian called it that and i loved it). *sigh*

anyhow. yeah. i guess there just comes a time when you realize that, though the crash dieting and the starving yourself works for a little while, (and it does work, regardless of what people say) in the end you're better of not depriving yourself. you should just change your habits and alter the things you crave so that the deprivation (aka the healthy lifestyle) doesn't feel so much like punishment. so that's what i'm trying to do this time around.

we'll see how it goes.

summer update!

i guess i haven't really taken the time to write down my thoughts about the job i'm currently interning at this summer. well...i'll just do that right now, while i'm taking a short break from said internship.

so for the first half of this summer, i'm working at a small law firm in berkeley which represents native american tribes exclusively. i have to say right off the bat that i love this job. it was the perfect choice for me. i mean, the office is close to home, it's really casual (i can wear jeans and slippers, if i want to, though i usually don't), everyone is really nice, they bring their dogs in to work sometimes, they work in the very specialized field that is one of the few parts of law that actually interests me, the hours are flexible (though i'm usually here from 9-6 daily anyway), and it pays. so all in all, it's been fantastic.

i obviously can't talk about the cases i've worked on, but a majority of them have had something or other to do with environmental law, which i love as well. it's surprising how, in practicing tribal law, you gain this cursory knowledge of all other types of laws (i.e. environmental, tax, criminal, constitution drafting, statutory interpretation, etc.). and in a few of the projects (on in particular, see last post), i've gotten really interested and will definitely keep tabs once the internship is over.

so my days usually start around 9-ish. i get to the office and pretty much just jump right in. i'll spend most of my days researching whatever project one of the attorney's has given me, then i'll generally draft up a memo for them to let them know what i've found in my research. as you can imagine, knowing me, the handing in of these memo's tends to be really nerve-wracking each time i do it.

i think i'm probably learned more in these short few weeks than i have in the two years i've been in law school, but i guess that's to be expected. and it's not just the legal stuff either (i.e. what pro se or in pro per means, what a general stream adjudication is, just how important legislative history is since Congress has decided to be perpetually vague, etc.). i think i've learned a lot, particularly in regards to how i operate in a work environment, my strengths and weaknesses, and where i want to be in my future.

for example, i should be a little more confident in my work. generally (and i stress, generally), i tend to do good work. my memo's tend to be thorough and well written, and i'm an average to good researcher. but i need to work more quickly. i feel like i'm producing the work, but i'm doing in rather slowly. and while my researching skills tend to go in my favor, i get really anxious when i can't find the things the attorneys need me to find in the time they need me to find it in, even though we all know its out there and accessible. and then, of course, there's be one or two times when i've turned in a memo and the work i did just wasn't what the attorneys wanted/needed. and they're really nice so they'll tell me in the best way possible that i interpreted the question they gave me slightly different from the one they needed me to answer (this one happened this morning, in regards to this case on water rights - which i admit is really complicated and i know nothing about, but still), or that i didn't find support for the answer, which was an extremely reasonable one, that our client needed so my memo was sort of useless(which happened last week and involved a statute that has so many vague provisions and so little caselaw that i was going crazy just to come up with any arguments at all). but i beat myself up over those times because i really want to do well here and make a good impression (especially because i'm applying for a fellowship here after graduation).

and i get it that i just started and i can't expect to know everything and find everything when i've never practiced law before...but i don't like not being good at what i set out to do. in fact, i hate it. i want to be perfect at this now. i want these people to be like, "wow, she's great!" you know? it's stupid, and i know it's impossible, but when i'm not perfect, or when i'm not producing everything these attorneys need me to produce, i feel incompetent. i can't stand being incompetent. this is a learning experience, yes, but this is also a job. i need to do well at it.

i don't know. i think i've just be feeling like, because of the short time i'm going to be working here (only 2 more weeks!), there's no coming back from doing bad work. there's no time to make up for it and prove that i really am capable and smart or whatever.

and yes, i also realize that i'm paranoid. none of the attorney's have given me the impression that i'm any different than any other summer associate they've ever had. but i'm a worrier. as N. said, i get nervous about everything.

that's why i've listed these things under the "weaknesses" category. i need to work on them. i know.

but all of this has also really made me think about my future as an attorney. do i really want to be an attorney? i think i do...right now. but i know that i don't see myself being one 10 years down the road. am i just wasting my time then? but i can't think of any other job that i would want to do besides what i'm doing. and i'm so close to getting my j.d...it would be stupid to stop now. and again, what would i do with myself??? *sigh* i hate being an adult.

ANYWAY, that's me in a nutshell right now. i'm going home next weekend (just for the weekend) to watch L. get married, and to [hopefully] meet my new niece. then i'm coming back to work to finish out the week, and then i'm officially off for summer! i've finally accepted that i need the break. i'm at the burn-out stage, i can feel it. so i'm taking july and most of august off, heading to ireland for 10 days, and just relaxing. sounds like heaven...

what i want to do with my free time:

join a gym. take yoga. do more hiking. go bike riding. read lots and lots of trashy romance novels. write something...finally. rearrange/redecorate my room. buy new book shelves. visit A. (providing i have the money to do so). hang out with boyfriend and friends more. revamp the JLSC office at school. make some headway on the article i'm writing with prof. K. get a dog (not going to happen). go apartment hunting (probably not going to happen). learn to drive on the freeway (will have to drag myself bodily out of the house to do this). bake more. cook more. take pictures. go camping at yosemite. go to lake tahoe. so much more.....