A Quiet Compassion

I don't usually get very political on this blog, and I don't really have the energy (tonight) or the desire (ever) to really start getting political now.  But with the world experiencing so much change lately, with so many conversations both said and unsaid, and because it's all I've been thinking of for the past three days, I'm going to go ahead and talk about it a little.

Now if we can believe everything our government says -- and I'm not saying that we always can or should, but I admit that I usually, sometimes naively, try to give them the benefit of the doubt -- during a clandestine military operation this past weekend, America's Enemy #1, Osama Bin Laden was shot and killed.

I think for the most part, the initial reaction felt by the nation was fairly consistent.  Shock.  Distrust/disbelief.  Belief.  Acceptance.  Relief.  I, for one, definitely went through those stages, feeling each one pretty keenly until finally allowing that feeling of calm relief -- however short-lived it may have been -- wash over me.  I can honestly say that I believe the world is less one more dangerous person. Dangerous in the really get-you-at-your-core sort of way where they're willing to die in order to cause the destruction of others.  That kind of a dangerous person, the kind who acts as if they have almost nothing to lose, scares me the most.

But right on the tails of my relief came other reactions I saw on videos, heard on the news, read online in places I have no excuse for visiting (case in point: Why was I on Sarah Palin's Facebook page again???).  Excitement.  Celebration.  Elation.  Mockery.  Righteousness.  Validation.  People were waving flags.  They were chanting, "USA!  USA!"  They were quoting scripture in one breathe and applauding death in another.

And I was left feeling...confusion.  Disappointment.  Resignation, but no understanding.  I was embarrassed.  I still am embarrassed.  It just seems to me that, over the course of the past 10 years, we've lost sight of something incredibly important as we freely label people as "the enemy" or "other" or "they" or "enemy combatant" and most definitely "terrorist."  We seem to have forgotten that they're human.  That this is human life.  And that no matter who it is or what they've done, the loss of human life is never something to celebrate.  It's never something to be casual about.  If we do, if we are, then we become the very thing we say we're fighting against. 

As Americans, even those of us with military families, we have the luxury of distancing ourselves from the consequences of our actions.  We don't see the costs of our war until it's too late, until our soldiers come back wounded in ways we can't begin to understand, until news reaches us of 12 year old children being blown up by bombs meant for their grandfathers.  Until towers collapse and we lose things we can never get back.  And, given that we've experienced that loss as a nation, and that others have experienced it much closer to home, I can accept that everyone deals with things differently.  That everyone would deal with the news of Bin Laden's death differently.  But this can't be okay. 

Celebrating death can never be okay.  Can it?

There have been a bunch of articles written in the past day or so that seem to express my feelings much better than I myself can.  If you're so inclined, this has been my favorite: "USA!  USA!  is the wrong response"

does it always come down to race?

what exactly is race? is race a real thing? is it something we decide for ourselves (i.e. "i'm white."), or is it something that is decided for us (i.e. "i'm white." "no, no. you're actually not. you're mexican.").

what was your first experience with race?

and what, to you, is the difference between race and ethnicity?

i think growing up in hawaii, i was afforded the almost luxury of growing up, not being white, and not knowing i was supposedly "underprivileged" or "disadvantaged." whatever the heck that means today. native hawaiians, mixed race people, we're the dominant crowd in hawaii. and i'll be the first to admit that it's difficult to be a white person in hawaii. there is a certain amount of hostility there if you don't fit in with the "brown crowd".

so when i go home, my pidgin accent thickens and i see how i get much better service at a local food joint than the white guy in line after me. i notice that it's easier for me to comfortably ask people for directions because i know that, out of respect, i'll call that someone "aunty" or "uncle". i make myself fit in again because i realize the benefit of it.

but when i'm here, in the mainland, i'm all of a sudden mexican! i'm not mexican! then again, nor am i only native hawaiian. my first experience with race was probably kamehameha, which would explain why i identify more with being native hawaiian than i do with anything else. at kamehameha, you're taught not only to value being native hawaiian, but almost to value it to the extent of all else. so i'm native hawaiian first. then i'm filipino, portuguese, spanish, puerto rican, chinese, french.

but i'm always native hawaiian first.

so is this something i can choose? to be native hawaiian first? even though people outside of hawaii either consider me to be latina or white (fyi: i pass as white, more or less)? or am i those other things, because race is more an external label than an internal label?

i didn't just pull this conversation out of no where. i'm actually in my race and justice class right now and am pretty much transcribing the conversation verbatim.

i'd love your thoughts!

hello, blog. i'm back

i've been absent lately, almost 2 weeks now, actually. and i have excuses to boot. but i guess that'll all be covered. i just know that a lot of what i've been thinking/feeling/seeing for the passed 14 days won't make it into this post, and that's a shame. but i won't remember it all, nor will i know how/where to fit it in so that i don't appear a mumbling mass of incoherent writer. so this post will be what it is. in absentia and all.

so my last post was on election night. there are no words to express what it is like watching history happen in front of your eyes. watching hope spring, i guess. i mean, it really is something amazing to see that simple and that complex of an emotion once you thought it dead. as sad as it is, i honestly thought hope was dead in americans. at least when it came to america. and to see it again was so encouraging. i mean, it's obvious (and the obama camp keeps saying it like a mantra) that our country is in a terrible state right now, and fixing it won't be easy, and it won't happen overnight. but the fact that americans are even hoping that it can happen at all says something in and of itself.

i'm going to admit now that i was on the fence for a while. i wanted hillary to be the democratic nominee. not because i didn't want it to be obama. but because obama didn't give me any reason not to want it to be hillary. and then when he won, i thought to myself, "okay, now show me. show me why you deserve my vote, not by default, but by policy." and on top of that, mccain has sound Indian policy, sound immigration policy, he's worked with Hawaii senators on issues for Native Hawaiians, and his history as a vet (though by now I think everyone's sick of it, but at the time...) did make an impression on me. but then palin happened. and, oh, she happened big.

i have never, in my life, been so afraid of the american people. i was terrified that they would vote her into office. now, i'm not the jon stewart type of girl, okay? i generally dislike when people make any kind of fun of others. and i really dislike when they make money off of it. does no one else find this rude and...unclassy? anyway, regardless of this personality quirk of mine, can i just say how tina fey became my overnight hero? those skits...wow. tina fey single-handedly immortalized the idiocy that was palin-for-vice-president.

and, i mean, come on! palin over biden?! really?! i love biden. i think he's going to be amazing. and that choice, in the end, is what solidified the obama vote for me. even over the palin-upchuck-reflex. for me, obama choosing biden said, "hey, this guy may not have experience, but he's smart enough to recognize his weaknesses and plan accordingly. he'll surround himself with people who's strengths he can play off of. he's already making great decisions."

and so obama got my vote. and i voted in what is undoubtedly the most historic presidential election our country has seen yet.

but in the midst of this amazing win for america's future (fingers crossed!), came the california prop 8 vote.

now, i'm not a california voter, and i was really glad i wasn't. because, and i know this may be hard for some to hear, but i'm not sure how i would have voted, and i probably would have left that box blank.

it's a really difficult position for me to be in. because on one hand, i'm the type of person who respects the law enough that i think legislating my religious beliefs on another is not acceptable. they are my beliefs, and not anyone elses. we have civil rights for a reason: because everyone, no matter what, should be treated equally. not allowing someone to marry because of who they are marrying is not equality.

but on the other hand, these are my beliefs. well, they should be. i grew up in a very christian family. my aunt and grandmother are pastors, for crying out loud. my step mother is ordained. whenever i come to my father with a problem, i can almost count on this being the first answer i hear: "well, you need to pray about it, baby. you know, only the lord knows the right answer." so it becomes difficult when faced with a decision that invokes all of these religious ties, and when you grow up learning that, from that perspective, this is wrong. and while no one should be able to legislate their beliefs on someone else, isn't that why we're a democracy? so that it's not one person's beliefs becoming law? but rather, it's the majority's opinion, religious or no. the problem, i guess, arises when so much of the country is of one religious persuasion.

so i guess i wanted to ask God what he believes is right. do we deny people their happiness? their opportunity to be just like the rest of us? is that what he wanted? and if so, why? why were people created in ways that would deny them their rights? what did He mean by doing this?

do you think we'll ever get our answers? isn't that what faith is? the belief that He's already given you the answers? am i just looking for an easy way out?

i told you i had some complicated things to write. :)

things have sort of finally settled down though, and i'm glad. i'm not sure how much more i could have taken. the reason i haven't blogged in a while was because i've been in trial mode. i had my culminating event for my trial practice class this passed weekend. that event was a three hour trial. i was on a firm of 3, defense-counsel, and for my part, i had to do 2 cross-exams of plaintiff's experts, one 776 exam of an adverse witness, and one direct examination.

i can say two things about this first trial experience of mine:

first, i was not cut out to be a trial lawyer. it's just honest-to-goodness not in me. i don't thrive in that kind of pressured environment. i dislike the subtle, underhanded hostility that goes on between plaintiff's counsel and defense counsel. you know that feeling that you're told you'll get? the adrenaline feeling that you'll crave after the first time you try it? yeah, i don't feel that. i feel slightly sick each time i think of having to ever go to trial. to ever stand in front of a bunch of strangers and convince them that i'm right, while someone else is trying to convince them that i'm wrong and i can't just turn to that person and say, "shove it!" the procedure of trials themselves are just mind-boggling. and the stress is quite frankly not worth it.

second, if i were ever going to do this again? i'd be a rockstar at cross-exams. they say that you can tell what kind of trial lawyering style you'd have after the very first time. they're right. i'm great at crosses because i can attack someone without seeming to attack them. my boyfriend watched me during the trial and said he felt pity for the people i crossed, because they didn't know what was coming. i just sweetly box them in, and box them in, and box them in, until i finally have them exactly where i want them, and then i ruin them. it's because i have a sweet and shy sort of personality (in front of strangers. i should make that clarification because my friends are laughing their asses off in disbelief right now.). the cross is sort of like lulling the witness into complacency, and then impeaching them. and it helps knowing that i know every single answer they're going to give me.

while gearing up for the trial, i found myself thinking one night on the commute home about how amazing the human body is. i mean, speaking of my body, i'm constantly amazed at how much it can endure. how much it can...stretch...to accommodate the crap i do to it. and not just the body like, the muscles or bones or tissues and stuff. but more specifically, the mind. i mean, i don't think it's a secret that i've felt like i'm being held together by fraying thread at the moment. and last week, i think i cried on nearly every commute home. most of the time because of the sheer exhaustion of having to think about a million things at once and not knowing what to do about any of them. and the fact that i was able to deal enough to do a trial just really made me appreciate my body and mind more. and made me wonder where my limits are. because if these aren't it, was i made to withstand more? am i going to have to?

there's this carrie underwood song where the lyrics say something about the mountain you've been climbing being just a grain of sand. what a thought.

and speaking of carrie underwood. i went to her concert saturday night as a "congratulations, you survived trial practice!" with M. it was great. i miss going to shows. B. and i are planning on making more time for them next semester. i'm glad. i feel like i'm making moves to reclaim the part of me that i regret losing at some point.

and i guess that's as good an update as any for the night! it feels good to get it all down again.

hello, blog. i missed you, too.



reminders for future posts:

favorite lines from songs
twilight movie review
sad/happy playlists

FINALLY!!!

OBAMAMAMAMMAMAMAMAMAMA!!!!!!!

here's to our new PRESIDENT!!