Homeward Bound

I'm so excited to be heading off to Hawaii for the rest of the week to hang out with family, watch my big sister renew her vows, and hopefully relax a little!  It's always amazing to be back at home, and to have the entire family together this time around (a rare occurrence these days), even if just for a little bit, is icing on the cake!

Have a great rest of the week and a wonderful weekend, everyone!

A Mile High

If you follow me on Twitter (lets be Twitter friends!), then you know by now that I was in Denver this past weekend for a beautiful wedding (and that I randomly met a dude who dated Lady Gaga).  Aside from the insane heat that permeated the city while I was there, I thought Denver was a great place to be.  It (like most of Colorado, I assume) is incredibly outdoorsy, pedestrian- and bike-friendly, and getting out of the city is as easy as getting to a Safeway here in the Bay.  A half hour drive and you're in the mountains with a view (see above) of The Rockies.

Now if only there was an ocean nearby.

Anyhow, Denver and my friends there have re-inspired me to get outside more, and that's the plan this weekend.  So I hope you all also have a great weekend and a chance to get outdoors, go for a hike, do whatever it is you do to reconnect with the world away from concrete and steel.

Enjoy!

if only...

i've been feeling a little disenchanted lately with a lot of things in my life, but mainly with my job and the quality of my free time.  without making this a post about the frustrations of work (because, don't worry, that post will come soon), suffice it to say that i wake up in the mornings dreading going, and i come home relieved to be back.  sunday nights are the worst nights of the week, and fridays can never get here soon enough.  i think i feel like i'm once again spending my time doing something i don't want to do, and as hard as i try, i just can't find a reasonable solution (the obvious one, to me, is not reasonable either in this economy, or in my current situation).  so i feel a little stuck.

because the work week has been so hard to plow through lately, i've been trying to fill my free time with fun activities that won't break my budget and is something N. and i can do together.  let's have a party at our place on saturday, lets redecorate our bathroom, we should go thrift store hunting, lets spend a night vegging out and have a movie marathon, lets take finn on a hike, my list literally goes on for days.  unfortunately, the excitement of these activities is short-lived, and i always end the weekend feeling more exhausted than when it began.  coupled with that is the fact that N. and i haven't spent time together - quality, relaxing, just the two of us, time - in a while, and our schedules on most day don't exactly mesh.  so i feel a little stuck, again.

with all of this, and just with the general feeling of being in a lull that i can't break out of, i've been wanting to plan a nice weekend getaway for the two of us.  now, i love the city.  i do, really.  but i desperately, desperately need to get out of it.  nothing about the city rejuvenates me.  in fact, for the most part, being in cities tends to stress me out more.  i always feel like i need or want to be on the go all the time, and i'm constantly overstimulated.  no, cities don't relax me.  i want views and open spaces, green earth, blue sky, quiet instead of traffic, mountains, ocean, fresh air, and time to just turn my mind off.  but, even with all of northern california's beauty, i can't figure out where to find this.  the reason for this is largely cost and time prohibitions.

i want to get far enough away, but i don't want to have to take a flight.

i don't want to camp, but i want the accommodations to be affordable.

i don't want to go somewhere i've already been, but i've been to most places within driving distance of home.

i realize i'm being a little ridiculous and more than a little picky, but it's at times like these when i find myself playing the "if only" game.  if only i had more money, we could do more things.  if only i were still in school, i'd have large enough breaks where i could plan longer trips more frequently.  (yes, i realize the first and second "if only's" seem sort of mutually exclusive)  if only we still lived in seattle, i could think of places to take a weekend getaway.  if only, if only, if only.

it's enough to drive yourself crazy.

what do you do when you get mentally stuck in these situations?  do you take trips, spend some time alone?  how do you get yourself out of the "same old, rut"?  any suggestions for a quick weekend trip around the bay area?

oh, hi vancouver

as i mentioned in my last olympics post, something sort of surprising came up and, as it turns out, N. and i ended up taking a very last minute flight up to seattle (courtesy of the free flights we had on virgin america, so i didn't need to break my monthly budget!), piling into a car with a bunch of the superfriends from college, and heading up to vancouver the weekend of the closing ceremonies (and the big U.S.A. v. Canada hockey game).  we didn't have tickets to an event but, as i soon found out, vancouver during the olympics is an event in and of itself.

the city just came alive.

if there were words enough to convey how incredible of an experience this was, i'd find them and use them over and over.  but there aren't, so all i can say is that everyone, absolutely every single person on the planet (and that means YOU!), should go to the olympics at least once in their lives.  not only are there a billion things to do, but there are a billion people doing them as well, and then sense of comradery and fun and...global citizenship...is so inspiring and refreshing.  it's cheesey, i know.  but it's also so very true.

as the canadian woman i sat next to on the flight back told me: it's one of those experiences you just never forget.

 

vancouver really does look like both the olympics and the canadian flag threw up on it.  there's even a building (at least 5 stories tall) that has a giant -- and by giant i mean GIANT -- canadian flag wrapped around it.  it's awesome.

the rings!  it was so exciting to see them in person after seeing them behind bob costas on tv all week!
 

and these are a whole different sort of olympic rings.  you can't see it, but he also has the canadian maple leaf on the top of his head.  the press were taking pictures of him, so we pretended to be press as well and got a few shots.  :)

sumi!  the olympic mascots were doing a "mascots on ice" show at the underground ice rink in robson square in downtown vancouver, and we were lucky enough to be in time for a show.  after the show, there was free skate time, and my friends and i became buddies with a 10 year old boy who not only dominated everyone in hockey, but he was also a fan of trivia and asked us a bunch of questions about canada and the olympics, and gave us pins (which were apparently a HUGE thing for some reason) as prizes.  he decided we weren't worthy when he asked us "who's going to win tomorrow's gold medal hockey game?" and we answered, "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!"  i'm just happy he didn't throw a puck at us.

quachi!  he nearly ate us.  i came home with a quachi doll for my nephew, which i don't really want to part with anymore.  at least i didn't get the version where he has on those incredibly popular (and sold out) red mittens...  i'd never give him up then.
 

a look down robson street, which was packed every single second of the day.  at random intervals you'd begin hearing canada chants, and see someone run by wearing a canadian flag as a cape.  there were lines getting into absolutely everything, but the atmosphere was so charged with energy that it was fun just walking around, shopping, catching events on tv's in pubs, bars, and on one of the many outdoor screens set up, and people watching.

this is robson square, and under this glass dome is the ice rink where we saw the mascots on ice earlier in the day.  on the upper right corner of the picture, you can just make out a few cables.  those are for the zipline going over robson square.  every few minutes, all you'd hear is a scream, then someone would whiz by above your head.  the superfriends and i wanted to do it, but the line was 4 hours long and i'd prefer to give it a shot up at whistler one day anyway!
 

more olympic rings, sometime near midnight.
 

 and at long last, the outdoor cauldron.  at the end of our night, we all just sat in the middle of the huge crowd surrounding the flame and tried to take in our time in vancouver.   there was a russian choir nearby singing and playing the accoustic guitar, and it sort of just rounded out the moment.  from this cauldron, you can see the faint glow of some of the ski villages on the ridges surrounding the city, you can see the olympic rings, and you sort of feel like you're in the center of everything.  it was great.  memorable.  i suggest you go to the next games.

an exercise in honesty

i've never not had a plan for my life. as much as i like to think so, i'm really not that spontaneous or wild. so now, here i am freshly graduated from law school and completely plan-less. i do not want to be a lawyer, i frequently wonder if i've wasted the last 3 years of my life, i have no idea what i want to do next, and because i don't know, i can't even start planning on reaching those phantom goals.

suffice it to say -- I AM FREAKING OUT.

and if i'm completely honest with myself -- as i so rarely am -- there's something else going on too. now, i rarely get into any serious discussion about my relationship with N. on this blog both because i'm half afraid he'll find it and read it, and because it's just very...personal. but i've already talked to him about this issue so i don't feel quite as nauseated at the thought of him reading this, and this also directly impacts any future plans i may be cooking up. if it seems a little voyeuristic for you to be reading about the inner workings of my 4.5-year long relationship, please feel free to stop. but most of you readers are close friends anyway, so here goes:

over the last 3 years, my friend M. and i have had numerous discussions about the fact that we both moved to new cities we knew very little about because the men in our lives were there. we both changed our lives to suit these men, and we have both been hyper-dependent on these men ever since. as much as i hate to admit it, and as much as i try and tell myself that i really moved to CA for school, the fact is that school was an excuse to move closer to N. i was miserable without him. it was like the city i once loved had been stripped of everything i had loved about it. i felt lonely, like he had just gone and left this huge gaping hole in my day-to-day that i had once filled with him. so when the chance came to make some changes in my life, the first change i made was to move.

prior to this, i had always been the type of person who swore she would never make any big decisions based on a guy. i was strong. i was independent. i was also terribly naive. but my parents had always taught their daughters to put themselves first, to accomplish all they wanted to do with their lives before settling down, to not end up in a relationship that kept you from doing, from living.

to be fair, N. never asked me to move to be with him. he never put me in that position. just like he unilaterally decided to move from where i was to CA, he left the decision of where i would go to law school up to me. i think that's one of the things i respect most about him: he knew what was right for his life and he did it, regardless. and he wanted me to do the same. that was the type of person i used to be.

and i'm not saying that moving to be with him wasn't right for my life. because i think it was. law school may not have been, but N. remains one of the best parts of my life, and of me. quite honestly, he will probably be the man i marry one day. so all in all, moving down to be with him may have been one of the best, and most influential, things i ever done.

but the fact remains that, in a way, i did it more for him, and less for me. well, that's not really fair; i guess i did it more the me that was part of a couple, and less because it would have been best for the me that was an individual. so that huge decision will always be...tainted. i actually remember having a conversation with a friend prior to leaving WA in which i couldn't stop questioning if moving down to be with him made me really strong because i could do it, or really weak because i had to do it? i've never come around to believing that it made me strong. and there's just no getting around the fact that i've been conforming my life, my dreams, my goals, to his ever since i made that decision. he came back to CA and has been doing everything he ever planned to do. i came down to CA and have been fitting my life around that plan of his, throwing out whatever i may have wanted that won't work, and replacing it with what will work for us.

i started doing this because, to my thinking, our relationship, our future, was my new goal. and it still is. but now that i'm older and more...secure...in that relationship, i think both N. and i have realized that who we are and what we want as individuals won't just disappear in the face of who we are and what we want as a couple, no matter how much we may hope it does. so those dreams i once had? those goals? they're still there.

one of those goals has always been to live abroad more, to see the world. i studied abroad, both in northern ireland and in new zealand (where N. and i met), when i was in college, and i've always wanted to do so again. when i made the decision to go to law school and move down here to be with N., i just assumed that that goal was just a childish, i-don't-want-to-grow-up goal that i would get over. but it wasn't, and i haven't. instead, i've talked about it non-stop for the past 3 years, and i've periodically thrown out the idea of us just picking up and going, to the point where N. has asked me numerous times why i just don't do it. my answer? i don't want to leave him. and that answer has worked thus far because i've had a life plan to go along with: Plan A.

but as we all know, Plan A didn't work out. so here i am, on the cusp of a new chapter in my life, an unwritten, un-outlined chapter, and i'm faced with another big decision. what do i do? where do i go?

N. worries that if i don't take advantage of this time in my life, where we don't have a mortgage or children who need to be in school, then i'll wake up one day when we're 40 and regret our life together. or resent him for holding me back (his words, not mine).

i worry that if i don't take advantage of this time in my life, i'll be passing up my chance for one of my last adventures. i know it sounds crazy, and friends have been telling me that we're so young, this isn't my last adventure, and i know that's true (marriage is an adventure, kids are an adventure, growing up in and of itself is an adventure), so let me clarify by saying that i mean it very narrowly: adventure in the sense of picking up and traveling whenever and however you may like. because realistically, you just can't do that when you have a family and children and all those things i want someday. we have a narrow window of time in which to be young and selfish, you know? why not take advantage of it?

i'm also worried that if i don't grasp this chance to take back a certain amount of the individuality i feel i lost when i began conforming my life to N.'s, i really will begin resenting myself (and him) one day. and i don't think i could stand that.

which is where yesterday's post comes from.

i've been considering going back to school for a while, i guess, so this isn't really out of the blue. i just haven't talked about it very much to very many people because it's been nerve-racking coming to the realization that i've failed so utterly at Plan A. and the fact is that i don't have the faintest idea as to what i want to do with my life right now. so while i'm considering a Master's or a PhD, i don't even know if i want to teach, or that i'd even feel qualified to teach after getting a PhD. so i worry that i'd just be buying time, postponing the inevitable that is having to figure out what it is i want. but really, what's wrong with that? if i'm not getting a job anyway, or if i'm only getting jobs i hate, why not spend three years doing what i love to do (i.e. research, writing, possibly abroad), while i figure it out?

because there's also a certain level of fear that comes with it. i'm afraid of starting something new and not having that work out either. i'm afraid that, after getting my PhD, i'll be in no better position that i'm in now. i'm afraid of being more in debt. i'm afraid of moving to a place where i know only a handful of people (i.e. New Zealand), and starting a whole new life. and i'm afraid, again, of being without N. who has been my security blanket for so many years.

i obviously have more to think about than i care to. i guess possible big changes will do that.

i will, however, say that i am excited as well. scared, but excited.

a possible Plan B

explanations to come:

From: Julie A.
To: Me
Date: Thu, Aug 27, 2009 at 12:24 PM
Subject: Re: Inquiry

Hi Kahea,

I just heard back from the University of Auckland so I am glad you clarified that with me! It looks like you would be eligible to apply directly into a PhD program or the master’s year. You would not need to do the postgraduate diploma if you wanted to do the master’s route and it would take about a year.

As for the PhD, they are 3 year programs with 100% research. You would be matched with a faculty supervisor and have to submit either a research outline or proposal. The nice thing about PhD programs is they can be started at any point throughout the year AND as an international student you will be paying domestic student rates, which is about $5000 a year depending on the school.

If you are interested in the PhD, I would encourage you to fill an “Expression of Interest” (EOI) application online. This requires you to provide your academic background online, plus a research proposal. The faculty will then assess both your academic qualifications and whether the research you intend to do is applicable at University of Auckland. You will need to go into: https://xyz and follow the instructions. If you already have a supervisor in mind, you will be encouraged to mention it in the EOI.

If you are interested in the Master of Arts in Anthropology, the deadline will be November 1^st for the February 2010 semester.

The honours year is only available for New Zealand students and it is considered their “fourth year” since bachelors degrees are only three years there. You would not have this requirement and honors from the U.S. is not equivalent. You should be able to bypass this requirement since you have a graduate degree.

Let me know what sounds like the best option for you. I have attached the application instructions for you to apply through your MyLearn account if you are interested in the master’s.

Cheers,

Julie

because i haven't done a twilight post in a while

here are some bullets for ya:

• got the dvd last week. special features are all right, and seem better when you can kill flight time by watching them on the plane. i've also decided that the best scene in the movie is when they're playing iron & wine at the prom.
• watching the dvd made me want to read the book again. it was strange though, because it wasn't the same as the first or second time, you know? i guess i'm reading it for details now, rather than the story. and i can put it down this time, which is actually refreshing.
• i found a really fun new blog over at free and flawed. that in and of itself doesn't have anything to do with twilight, but she did write this really funny piece for guidespot.com on the books, entitled "why your girlfriend shouldn't read/see twilight" which you can find here.
• i was in washington this past weekend for M. and J.'s beautiful wedding in sequim. we drove to forks and la push for the hell of it. it rained, snowed, hailed, and cleared up in the hour and a half drive there, which is typical of washington and almost endearing at this point. forks, as we all know, is just your average, small logging town on the peninsula, though it does now have a very busy, thriving "dazzled by twilight" shop kept afloat by a constant influx of teenage girls in "team edward" shirts. there's also a tour you can take, complete in a black twilight tour bus, to see all the sites mentioned in the book. i did not take the tour, for those who are worried/wondering. but because i'm constantly looking for new ways of torturing N., i did consider it. what else is a girlfriend to do, after all?
  
• la push is absolutely beautiful, and it gave me the opportunity to see the sign announcing that travelers are now on the quileute res, thereby putting them on notice that they're under tribal law (i understand that this is only interesting to me, since i work in indian law, so don't feel bad if you're like, "what?").
• for those of you living under a rock, you should definitely check out some of the highpoints in rpatz' GQ shoot.
  
• my bff is currently busy working on her eclipse playlist. if i haven't made this clear already, she makes AWESOME playlists, mainly because she has the best taste in music of anyone i've ever met. she's already made a twilight playlist, and a new moon playlist. she's amazing. i'm going to go ahead and say that hers were better than the actual soundtrack, but i may be biased because i love her, and i love a lot of the bands she used.

and just for fun, here are a few pics from my pilgrimage:

the sign that everyone by now knows and loves, and the infamous bus. for just $30 a head, you too can sit on this bus and drive around forks, instead of just taking your own car even though it's impossible to get lost in forks!



this is the sign i was talking about. (and yes, jacob is supposedly quileute).

the beautiful la push. the res school is down near the beach, and i couldn't help thinking that i would never get any work done with this in my backyard.

weekend in review

took a short trip to seattle this passed weekend and miss it more now then ever. i always forget how green washington is. when you fly out of oakland, every piece of land you see that isn't covered in cement is a yellowish-brown. then when you fly into sea-tac, everything that isn't covered in cement is trees. and things are starting to change color there, so its extra-beautiful. fall is my favorite time of year. it just makes me want to bundle up, walk in boots over wet, reflective sidewalks to the nearest starbucks and get a pumpkin spice latte that i probably won't drink. i just like the smell of it.

it was weird being back in the udistrict though. as we drove through (heading to hawaiian bbq - woo!), i realized that i'm older than practically everyone i saw! and it was sad in a way, because for the most part, none of my friends really lived in the udistrict any more. areas around university districts are so transient. you'll never be able to come back in ten years and think, "hey, my friend joe schmoe lives there," because the fact is that there have probably been dozens of kids who have lived there after joe.

and seattle, on a rainy night, can seem oddly lonely too. not a bad lonely, just...lonely.

visiting also made me think of how people change, and don't change, at the same time. for example, i haven't seen my freshman/sophomore roommate kina since i moved down to the bay two and half years ago. and yet, it's like we've talked every day the whole time. i mean, give or take the fact that we're catching each other up on our lives. and i got to see anthony, kina's fiance, and another of my first washington-friends. we hugged and it was like being enveloped in a big brother.

i saw other friends too, of course. my junior/senior roommate will be moving down to the bay this weekend, so there's no real reason to miss her. but it's still stunning to realize that she's getting married soon. she has this amazingly beautiful wedding dress (and i'm picky about what wedding dresses i find pretty), that she's going to wear with these awesome red peep-toes. she has her wedding planned out and i feel so out of touch with everything. we talked about her best friend (who happens to be one of mine as well) and the fact that i know next to nothing about that girls life anymore. i can't even remember that last time we talked. there was just a...losing touch...that happened. it made me so sad.

and i saw one of my best friends from back home who's moved up there and has this new, amazing life working for an indie record label and being friends with interesting people and band members, etc. sometimes i feel so out of touch with her life as well. like we have so little in common anymore. but there are ties there that i refuse to let sever. she's been in my life too long to ever let her be out of it, you know?

i guess i've realized that the changes in myself i didn't see happening were happening just the same. for example, this passed summer, one of the quints got married, so it was the first time we all got together since graduation night of highschool. and these girls - women, now - are my best friends. absolute rocks in my life. one in particular. and yet, we have to work to keep the conversations going and to find things to talk about. it was so unnerving that i actually had to bring it up with them so we could talk about the awkwardness. i'd never felt that before, but then again, i hadn't seen them since i was 18. so this is sort of how it felt a little this passed weekend. and M. is the one to point out that it's because we've changed so much. so much.

it was sad to realize. but nice too, because we were still there, trying to meet on common ground. trying to find something to discuss the way we used to discuss the most trivial things. it's reassuring to know that we value each other that much.

on that note, my mom did me a HUGE favor this passed weekend and rummaged through storage to find some of my things from high school. she's sent me my yearbook from senior year, complete with signatures and goodbye notes. and she found my diaries. OMG. the diaries of a 16 year old! it's incredible how hard and wonderful at the same time it is to read these thoughts. we're so invincible at 16. so sure and unsure of ourselves at the same time. so confident in our friends, and so engrossed in our little intrigues. and it's just interesting to read what i wrote when i was that girl.

The sky is so beautiful right now. The lights of the island end so quickly, then the horizon goes from red to pink to orange and yellow before fading into a light blue. The mountains are so darkly silhouetted against that yellow. Then it's nothing but a cloudless dark blue expanse with a crescent moon and the north star accessorizing such a beautiful night. Definitely one of the prettiest nights of the year. Far to pretty for me to feel so...discontent. - Oct. 29. 2000

What exactly is destiny? I mean, do we really control our own? Because if we do, then how can we be "meant to be" with one person? How do you know that this one person is...your destiny? Does that mean that all your life you were just waiting for them? All the while you were feeling so strongly about other people, were you really just waiting for someone better to walk into your life? - Nov. 28, 2000

i'm not going to lie. the diaries from my junior and senior year are full of a boy. but i have a feeling that's not atypical. it's just so entertaining/embarrassing to see what i put myself through over something so...not real. i wasn't an adult and i thought i was. i wasn't mature and i thought i was. but i think the funniest and scariest thing of all is that the person that 17 year old was isn't as far as the person i am now thought she was. i can still see myself. i still do some of the same things. and now, years later, i can look at what i did and see patterns, see myself and my habits forming. see my defense mechanisms refining and my ideas on life and love taking shape.

it's an educational experience to realize that you've grown up, but not so much that who you are is a stranger to who you were.

i have this favorite line from "jane austen's book club" that i always think about when i think about those years. it's when prudie and her husband are fighting in their hotel room because she thinks he was flirting with her high school nemesis. and she tells him that this woman was terrible to her in high school. and he says that high schools over. and she just looks at him, crying, and says "high schools never over."

so true in some ways. and i'm so glad it's not true in so many others.