a problem for later

i thought i'd use this post to give you all a short update on how the job is going, particularly since many of you have had to deal with me (whether it be in real life or virtually) freaking out about 1) not having job, 2) going for the interview and being told i'm over-qualified, and 3) getting the job and thinking i'm no good at it.

true to form, i'm still sort of freaking out, but it's of a more positive nature than it used to be.  you see, i'm doing well at my job.  really well, in fact.  i was hired on as an organizational assistant, meaning i did the grunt work for everyone.  but then, a few weeks into work, i was moved up (i may just be imagining that it's a vertical move instead of a horizontal one, but let me have what little i can get, please?) into the executive assistant position.  this came with pay bump that they're applied retroactively to my start date.

then this week, during my check-in meeting with our ED, he tells me that he wants to meet with me on thursday to specifically discuss my "position and related issues."  so, naturally, i freak.  and while i'm certain he didn't know i was having a nervous breakdown and snowballing out of control, he reassured me that it was all good things.  apparently, he's so impressed by my writing skills (yes, i'm patting myself on the back, and then telling myself to not be such a self-satisfied boob), that while he'd like me to continue on as his assistant, he'd also like me to move into the communication assistant position.  what this would mean is that i'd be in charge mainly of our community outreach and publications, doing a lot of the writing and editing of the pieces we send out to our network and partners.

this is wonderful!  this is, actually, the position i originally wanted but was too under-qualified for.  and it comes with another pay bump!  (happy dance!).  we'll iron out the details during our thursday meeting, and there will most definitely be a trial period in which we see whether i can handle these new responsibilities while still juggling my old executive assistant responsibilities, but it's still very exciting.

however, it's made me start to think about my future here at my little non-profit.  the plan has always been to only work until fall 2011, and then go back to school.  and going back to school is, right now, the one thing in my life that i am absolutely positive i want to do.  but is the timing right?  when all of these good things are happening for me at work, when my ED says that he just sees so much potential for my growth here, is this the right time to jump back into school?

yes, i realize that 2011 is very far away and a lot may change between then and now, but when that time comes i'll only have worked here for a little less than 2 years.  that's not very long in one job and, if i'm completely honest with myself, there is definitely some guilt involved here.  i'd feel guilty leaving.  i already feel guilty leaving and i'm nowhere near that yet!

but more than the guilt about leaving is the fear of not leaving.  i hear my thought process in my head and all i can think is "this is how it happens.  this is how people 'take breaks' from school and never end up going back."  i don't want to be one of them.

anyhow, that's the long-term worry.  for right now, things are good at work.  i'm planning on tabling this little problem for the time-being, taking my GRE's and applying for grad school for 2011 no matter what.  a lot can happen before i have to make this decision so there's really no point in me letting it get to me right now.  but i'd love to hear your thoughts on it, or some advice or similar experiences, if you've got any!

hope

i cried.

friday feature: playlist love

do you have someone in your life that you consistently turn to when you need new music?  someone who knows your music tastes so well that if you were to just tell them, "i need some new music and i'm in a [insert emotion here] mood," they'd know exactly what to send you?  K. over at the artist in the ambulance is that person for me.  since high school, whenever i've needed music to fit an occasion, or to be the background to a book i'm reading or a problem i'm going through, she's always known what to suggest, from sarah mclachlan to brand new to city and colour to lydia.  (most recently, i was in a very hipster mood, so she sent me a bunch of music i have yet to organize in a playlist, but once i do i'll post it).

yes, i suppose it helps that she works in the music industry, but she's generally just one of those people who love music.  and i'm not talking about the kind of love that most people have for music, or even the kind of love that i have for music (which may actually be a bit more personal than the average person).  music is like life to her.  i couldn't imagine her without it.  i don't think she could imagine her without it.

it also helps that she's not pretentious about it, either.  she'll listen to anything from bands i've definitely never heard of, to lady gaga and miley cyrus.  and for me that makes her all the more legit.  because music snobs kind of suck most of the time.

so to finish out what was started over a year ago when she began writing a twilight playlist (maybe because i begged her?  i don't remember the specifics), i wanted to post her latest playlist for breaking dawn.

**go here to get the playlists for twilight, new moon, and eclipse**

- pheonix - 1901 (getting the new car and telling everyone about the engagement)
- the temper trap - sweet disposition (segue to the night before the wedding)
- band of horses - is there a ghost (story/nightmare about the immortal children)
- the shins - the past and pending (the wedding)
- city and colour - sam malone (dance with jake)
- emanuel - make tonight (honeymoon)
- kings of leon - closer (more honeymoon)
- brand new - noro (bella and edward realize she's pregnant)

- city and colour - like knives (jake finds out about the pregnancy and edward tries to bargain with him)
- tv on the radio - wolf like me (wolfpack debates and splits up)
- underoath - the created void (jake's miserable around bella and leaves, and edward begins hearing nessie)
- interpol - pioneer to the falls (jacob's alone and realizes he needs to go back)
- 30 seconds to mars - the kill (bella goes into labor)

 - alberta cross - the thief and the heartbreaker (bella's death)
- coldplay - don't panic (introducing the new and improved vamp bella)
- far-less - to live (bella's first hunt)
- copeland - no one really wins (jake has imprinted on nessie)
- fair - blurry eyed (bella gets to hold her baby)
- death cab for cutie - summer skin (edward...and the cottage)
- deas vail - sunlight (bella and the cullens are all glittery, and she's finally happy)
- jack's mannequin - the resolution (things are happy, but still uneasy)
- the receiving end of sirens - wanderers (alice's vision, the volturi are coming)
- the juliana theory - do you believe me? (the gathering of witnesses and allies)
- doves - reprise (waiting for the volturi)
- bush - machinehead (the confrontation)
- radiohead - lucky (alice's return)
- snow patrol - same (our happy ending!)

winter wonderland

[on a lighter note...]

with all the rainy weather we've been having in northern california in the last few days, i thought i'd do a fashion post on my favorite winter looks this season.  i know i'm a little late, since most stores and magazines are already preparing for the upcoming spring, but it's cold and gray outside (YAY!) and i'm going to milk it for all it's worth!

true to my usual style, there isn't a whole lot of pattern in this look, but there is a whole lot of blues and grays.  my favorite thing about this would have to be the emu button boots, which can run you anywhere from $189 at Macy's to $40 on Ebay.  i can't afford them yet, and i'd feel weird buying them when, again, spring is just around the corner, but a friend of mine who came over last weekend was wearing them and let's just say it was hard not to stuff them into my closet and tell her that my dog ate them.  i somehow found the colossal restraint.  i also really love these ruth cross mittens which, some of you may have noticed, are the now-famous twilight mittens (you can also get look-alikes on etsy).  they just look so warm and cozy!  (other items: my favorite ever american eagle straight leg jeans which i sadly cannot find anymore, delia's peacoat, pinstripe tunic (got a great one recently at marshall's too!), plaid tunic on model, knit slouchy hat (yes, i still love those slouchy hats), zodiac necklace (or any long necklace with a nice pendant, really), and scarf). 

my second look is a bit more casual, something i'd wear on a weekend, or out to get something to eat or drink at night with N. and some friends (versus the above look, which i could wear to work -- nonprofits are pretty casual too).  i couldn't decide between three jackets and three shirts, so i put them all in.  they can be mixed and matched, obviously.

my favorites have to be either the purple tee or team edward tee (yes, i do honestly want one and would totally wear it out in public because i am just that cool), both from urban outfitters, and the vans slip-ons, which are second in comfort only to my old, faithful chucks.  i've been in a very "basic-tshirt-and-jeans-with-keds" kind of mood this last year, and this look totally reflects that.  it says COMFORT to me.   and for the record?  i hate jackets.  i cannot for the life of me find a jacket that i love and it drives me insane.  is it so much to ask for something warm and fashionable which will go with everything in my closet?!  (irrational, much?)  so i put these jackets into my look halfheartedly, not truly trusting that they would be as wonderful feeling once on as the other pieces.  but i'm willing to give it a shot.  i will find the perfect jacket one day.  i'm determined.  (other items: once again, my favorite ever american eagle straight leg jeans (would wear it with anything, really), red long-sleeved thermal (you can get some long-sleeved v-neck henley's from target right now for $12, i think), striped knit gloves, black bomber jacket, brown jacket, grey jacket, and scarf).

so as you can see, i've definitely been going through shopping withdrawls.  i'm in the process of making myself a budget and, in the interest of not destroying it before it even begins, my shopping outings have been cut to the bare minimum.  and before i realize how very pathetic it is for me to mourn my inability to partake in our overloaded consumer society, i'm going to stop.

more outfits coming in the spring!

devastation, perspective and prayer

with all that's been happening lately, it's no surprise that so many of us have been considering our life perspectives and making the necessary adjustments to our priorities.  i'm no exception.

terrible cannot even begin to describe what's happened -- and is still happening -- in haiti.  we see the incredible amount of devastation on the news and it's hard to even imagine.  the feeling of...impotence...can also be an unexpected surprise.  i felt the same way shortly after we got news of the tsunami that hit samoa last year; i wanted to find some way of helping, a way that was much more tangible than just sending money, and i couldn't think of one.

what makes that feeling all the more real this time around is that, during law school, i worked for a human rights ngo called the institute for justice and democracy in haiti, which focused primarily on the political, social and economic rights of haitians.  while i don't pretend that this work gives me a better idea of what it must be like for those living through this experience first-hand, it does help me to see this disaster through the eyes of someone who has even a little experience with the social and economic position haiti was in prior to last weeks events and, subsequently, can start to begin to understand how bad things must be now, and will be in the foreseeable future.  added to that, a very close friend of mine, B. over at isn't she pretty in pink, is half haitian, and many of her family members and family friends currently live in haiti.  to even think of the worry she must be feeling is just...staggering.

and then, just yesterday, i got an email from another close friend, L. over at goodminton.  her sister in law, J.,  is currently serving in the peace corps in kazakhstan, and they just received word that she was in a serious car accident and is now in a coma.  L., her husband, and his parents are flying to frankfurt, germany today to be with her when she arrives at the hospital there.

they say, "when it rains, it pours," and that sentiment applies now, more than ever.  there are people out there right now (like there always are) who are hurting, grieving, lost, desperate and are still going strong.   their homes are destroyed, their family members are missing, their daughters, sisters, friends, are halfway around the world and in need.  yet they're coping.  they're amazing.  and here, in my little world, life is good.  relatively perfect, even.  and i whine.  every single day of my life, i whine.

shouldn't i use the time i have, when my life is so full of opportunity and possibility and good fortune, to help others?  to make a difference somewhere, anywhere?  shouldn't we all?

these are questions i ask myself as i watch the news and wonder where my life is leading me, and what tomorrow will bring.  when i remind myself that in a week, a day, a minute, even i could be in a set of very different shoes.  nothing is guaranteed.  nothing.  wouldn't i want someone to help me?  and if so, how?

but until i figure out the answers to those, and many other questions (please, kahea, please don't take too long!), i'm praying.  i'm praying for help, safety, comfort and wisdom for every person in haiti, and all of their family members, both in country and out.  i'm praying for J.'s recovery, and a safe journey for L. and her family.  and whatever it is you do, whether it's pray, or visualize, or act, whatever, i ask that you do it for them too.

thanks.

a slave for you

i've been thinking a lot tonight about the way we, as humans and as habit-forming people, are ruled by our bodies.  it's actually something that crosses my mind quite often, simply because of the fact that my boyfriend is completely at the mercy of his body and, because we live and do most things together, that impacts my life almost on a daily basis.

for example, N. must eat breakfast in the morning.  he must.  he cannot under any circumstances miss the first meal of the day or it is a miserable experience being around him.  and i'm not talking about him getting your average, three-year-old type of uncomfortable.  it becomes nearly impossible for him to function and think about other things.  put simply: he's a grouch.  he also has to have exactly 8 hours of sleep.  eight.  no less, no more.  if he doesn't hit that exact amount, he'll more than likely wake up with a headache.

he is a slave to his body.

i, on the other hand, am almost -- almost -- at the exact opposite end of the spectrum.  i can skip breakfast any day of the week and not bat an eye-lash.  i can sleep anywhere from 4 to 14 hours in a day and still function relatively well.  i'll even go so far as to say that instead of my body training me, i'm usually the one exacting ridiculous (and not always healthy) things from it.

when i was in high school, there were many times when i'd use my body to train my brain to do, or not do, something.  i mean, it's fairly easy to punish your skin in order to condition your mind (again, i did say that these weren't my healthier habits), and i definitely did that.  i don't have the physical scars to prove it, thank God, but even now that i'm older and recognize how incredibly dangerous, unhealthy, and...deeper into my psyche the need to do those things is, there are times when my body still hesitates before doing something, or braces for what it thinks will come as a repercussion.  it's a strange thing.  almost like instead of being a slave to my body, my body is a victim to me, you know?

and there's always the usual bad habits and addictions: diet coke, lots and lots of carbs, not exercising, not eating at least 3 meals a day, etc.

i'm currently trying to steer away from what seems to be my predisposition to do what's easy and not healthy, and begin forming new and healthy habits for the new year and for my life.  it's not always easy to truly remain rid of the desire to fall back on what you know and what's worked and what's made you feel better in the short-term, so this will most likely be a struggle i continue to write about as i go along.

are you one of those people who tend to have certain rituals during the day that your body just requires you go through?  like, N.?  or are you more like me, a recovering bad-habit haver who's used the body as a tool rather than a temple?

"on a white, sandy beach of hawaii..."

here are some highlights from my recent trip with N. to the big island, where i grew up.  it was most definitely not a white christmas, but it was pretty amazing anyway!

 

this is in honomu (ho-no-moo) village, directly across the street from the house i grew up in (in fact, those palm trees in the shadow belong to the ones in our front yard!).  my sisters and i would wait in front of this store -- which also makes really good blueberry ice cream -- for the school bus each morning when we were kids.  this is also where the old men in the village hang out during the day, drinking their coffees, reading their newspapers, and watching the tourists go by.  and that store to the left, glass from the past, is where i worked my first job!

 

looking down the street from our driveway.  this is the main street in our village, and it's usually busy with tourists driving up and down from the falls a few miles up the road.

 

looking up toward my house (which is right where that green sign is in the center of the photo) from the bottom of the street.  the village is really old (it was a plantation village back in the day, and most of the old timers still refer to areas of it by "camp" name), so you'll see a lot of these old style buildings, many of which now house touristy stores and art galleries.  at the top of the street, where those banyan trees are, is our town gym.  i grew up climbing those trees and playing with one my oldest friends who lived across the street from them.

 

while we were in hawaii, N. wanted to take a drive down to the south point of the big island, which also happens to be the southern most tip of the united states.  this was taken on the drive there, right before we go the town of na'alehu (na-a-lay-hoo), looking north up the coast towards hilo (hee-low).  the bay you see there is called punalu'u (poo-na-loo-oo), and it's one of hawaii's famous black sand beaches, where you'll regularly see turtles hanging around.

 

same as the above picture, except here we're looking south towards south point (which you cannot see in this picture).

 

the windmills down at south point.

 

more windmills down at south point.

 

this is south point on the big island.  people jump off of these cliffs into the ocean and try not to get themselves killed.  this is also a pretty big fishing spot, so those wooden things you see is where the fish are pulled up.  whenever i'm here, and i look out at the ocean, i can't help but thinking how vast and deep the ocean is, and how small i really am.

i just think the picture on this sign is hilarious.

 

that's my dad checking out the waves while N. and i take a dip in the warm springs down at pohoiki (po-ho-ee-kee).  he and N. eventually went surfing for a couple of hours while i splashed around and got burnt in the sun.

 

beautiful, beautiful hawaii.  this picture was actually taken last christmas, which you can tell by the fact that there's a huge storm cloud blowing in.  this time around, there was absolutely no rain, as evidenced by the insane sunburn i got on my back and shoulders.

 

N., my mom, my cousin, her boyfriend and myself went up to the summit of mauna kea (ma-oo-na kay-a), which means white mountain because it snows up there some winters.  it's one of the big islands four mountains.  this is on the drive up to the summit, looking south towards mauna loa (ma-oo-na low-a), which means long mountain.  mauna loa is one of the largest mountains on earth in terms of volume and area covered.  an interesting fact to note is that both these mountains are volcanic and, while dormant, are in no way extinct.  that means they can explode at any moment.  yes, i live on a ticking time bomb.

 

these are four of the twelve or fourteen government observatories at the summit of mauna kea.  though N. and i have argued quite heatedly about this, i'm going to just put out there as a fun fact that mauna kea is the tallest mountain on earth -- yes, even taller than mount everest -- if measured from the ocean floor.

 

me and N. at the summit, when we weren't bickering about which mountain is bigger than the other.

and that was the last two weeks spent in hawaii, nutshelled.  we also had our annual family christmas day cook-off (N. and i lost to my older sister and her husband), saw a bunch of my friends from childhood and high school,  visited pu'ukohala heiau (poo-oo-ko-ha-la hey-ow), went fishing with my dad, and hung out with my family.

i already miss it.

out with the old, in with the new

it's strange to think about where i was in my life when this decade began (both literally, because i was at an nsync concert for new years even 2000, and figuratively, for every other reason).  things are so different now.  first of all, i was still in high school, with no idea where i'd even go to college, let alone that i'd end up in law school.  the thought of living for a few months in ireland or new zealand were dreams i had but never thought i'd actually get to do.  i probably had some vague expectation that i'd be married (or at least engaged), and have children by  now.  and i pretty much thought my life would be a straight shot from here to retirement.

i was, of course, wrong.

but the decade has been a busy one.  i graduated from high school, left hawaii, moved to washington, studied abroad in ireland and new zealand, met N. and fell in love for the first time, graduated from college, traveled around asia, moved to the bay area, began and ended law school, and had a mini-quarter life crisis.

let no one say i've been lazy.

and i have a lot to show for it, obviously.  i've had a good -- albeit, sometimes very tough -- decade, which seems to mirror 2009 as well.  this was the year to end probably the second hardest (if not hardest) three years of my life.  and on the heels of that came an equally difficult life re-evaluation.  but, as i sit at home in hawaii with my family around me and so much to be grateful for, i realize that the rewards of the decade and the year have been worth it.

so i'm going to close the first decade of the twenty-first century on an up note.  i am here, i am healthy, and i am happy.  the possibilities for my life abound and the foundation i have to lean on for support is stronger than i deserve.  i have a wonderful family, beautiful friends, and hope for my future.

what the world would be like if everyone were as lucky.

so here's hoping that you find yourself in a similar state this new year's eve.  thank you all for continuing to read about me and my life, and for your comments (which mean the world to me) and your support (which has been invaluable).  if, however, you find yourself reflecting back on years that have been more trying than you often thought you could bear, i truly hope 2010 brings you much-needed change, relaxation, and whatever else you may need.


happy new year's, friends!

blogging through my debt: the beginning

i've been thinking a lot about money lately.  maybe because i've been reading Ashley's (of Writing to Reach You fame) new blog A Story of Debt, maybe because all of my student loans came due this month, or maybe it's because it's the season of giving (and by giving we actually mean buying).  any one of these reasons would be enough to get me to take a good, hard look at my spending habits, really, and it's about time too.

so i have a few confessions to make:

• as i know i mentioned in many previous posts, i have a problem with money.  in that i spend it too easily/quickly/arbitrarily/mindlessly/etc.  as N. likes to put it, i tend to "live above my means," or at least i seem to try to.  my family was definitely always one of those paycheck to paycheck households and, now that i'm older, the thought of getting my own electricity cut off, or not making rent, or not being able to pay bills still sends me into severe panic attacks.  but the point is that even though growing up we didn't have, and even though not having was perfectly fine in terms of what we needed most of the time as kids, i still wanted.  so now i spend, regardless of whether or not i have.  my vices include gifts for my loved ones, eating out several times a week, and clothes.  i have a severe, severe addiction to clothes shopping.
  
• my credit card debt (not to be confused with my educational uber debt) is astronomical.  because i want to be completely honest here, and because this will be a way to hold me accountable, i'll confess that my current debt falls somewhere in the vicinity of $13k.  roughly $11,500 of it can be found on what i'll call my miles card, and the other on my little card.  i have about a hundred dollars on a victoria's secret angel card as well.  admitting this is humiliating, to say the least.
  
• when i calculate my portion of the rent and bills, along with my phone, credit card payments and my latest personal hell's angel, the student loan payment, my monthly expenses (not including groceries) total more than half of my monthly income.  because i've been jobless for most of the past several months, i haven't paid my portion of the rent since september.
  
• even now, after having suffered another anxiety attack just this past monday because i didn't have enough for december's rent and all my bills this month, i still want to shop.  i probably want to shop because of all of this.  i've even bookmarked webpages.  it's a sickness.  this will undoubtedly be my biggest struggle.
  

aside from reading Ashley's blog and finding solace in the fact that there just may be others like me out there in the world, as well as talking to some of my closest friends (one of which is living primarily off of ramen at the moment), there are a few things i'm doing to begin to get myself (and my money) under control:

• at the suggestion of a really good friend of mine, J., N. and i have enrolled in Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University.  now, let me just say a few things about this right off the bat:  this will not be for everyone.  i'm not even sure N. likes it right now.  dave ramsey isn't saying anything new or enlightening.  i can guarantee you that you've heard it all before and just didn't/wouldn't/couldn't follow through.  he's also quite preachy, and very Christian.  i sometimes feel like i'm surrounded by the mars hill superfans (holler if you're from seattle!) when i watch his lessons, and i'm only taking them online.  finally, and probably most ironic of all, you have to pay for this course.  it's about money management, about spending less and putting less on credit cards and all that, and yet, it doesn't come cheap.  needless to say, i wouldn't have done it had it not come so highly recommended by someone i've known for years who's gone through it with her entire family.  we've nearly completed the first lesson and i've already realized that i'm not where near where i want/need to be, financially, and i can't just ignore it.
  
• as part of the course, i'm anticipating having to create a budget for myself.  i'm really excited about this.  and i think i can make it work as long as i'm realistic about my budgeting.  i tried to make one last year, but the problem was that i tried to cut myself off from all of my habits cold-turkey.  it just doesn't work.  i left myself no wiggle room for going to a nice dinner every so often, or buying something for myself once in a while.  with the kind of personality i am, under that kind of restrictions i'm likely to just say "screw it" and head on out to Target.  so this time around, i'm really looking forward to creating a workable budget for myself, that also includes AN INCOME!
• i'm getting back to my roots.  somehow, my parents managed to raise an incredible family on very little.  we had food every night, clothes every day, and little luxuries every once in a while that worked perfectly fine.  they did it, and since i'm heading home next week, i thought what better time to pick their brains and get some money saving ideas.
• i have goals this time around.  not just some abstract idea of "saving money," but actual concrete goals that i can work towards if i follow my budget.  here are some of them:  1) i want to create a $5,000 emergency fund, 2) i want to cut up all but one credit card, and 3) i want to save at least $5,000 to use to possibly go abroad for grad school.

i'm going to try and continue to chronicle my own debt struggles and, if you find yourself in a similar boat, i'd encourage you to stop by every once in a while so that you too know you're not alone, and definitely head over to A Story of Debt, where you'll find even more support and an even better read!

perfecting incompetence

adjusting to work has not been easy.  learning the ins and outs of a new organization, getting to know the different working styles of the individuals that make that organization run, and, for me, having to let myself make mistakes on a regular basis has been an almost-nightmare.

because i'm a perfectionist.  i value perfection.  my new boss values perfection.

and i am so less than perfect right now.

there are two reasons i can spot right off the bat that explain my inability to attain that level of performance i'm most satisfied with:

1. it doesn't exist.  perfectionists as a rule like to delude ourselves into believing that we can actually be perfect.  that we can always go above and beyond what was expected of us, that we will never make mistakes, and that those who do make mistakes are simply not paying enough attention or working as hard or using enough common sense.  this may or may not be absolute bullshit.  to even entertain the thought that mistakes won't happen is insane.  and honestly, why would you want to be perfect (other than for your own self-serving need to get praised when you please others)?  how do you learn if nothing you do needs changing?  how do you utilize that time-honored tradition of education through trial and error?  you don't.  and though i know all of this, though this all makes complete sense to me, i still can't help being a perfectionist.
2. nonprofits, as a rule, lack the ability to accumulate, record, and maintain any sort of institutional knowledge.  because of the low pay and the subsequent high turnover rate, there doesn't seem to be any one place or person where someone (say, a new employee perhaps?) can go to learn the ropes.  instead, she (and by "she" i mean "me") is given assignments and asked to complete them in unrealistic time frames.  when she asks someone where something is, or how to do something, or what she's supposed to do about something, she's lucky if she doesn't have to go through every person in the organization just to find out how to go about finding out the right answer.  which inevitably means that the work doesn't get done on time, or it gets done wrong.  and doing both of those things just completely messes with the way a perfectionist operates.

it's not that i don't appreciate having a job, or like the people i work with, or believe in the mission of not only my organization but nonprofits as a whole.  i just hate feeling incompetent, and that's all i've been feeling like lately.

today in particular was a hard one.  a few weeks ago, i was given a [seemingly mind-numbingly simple] assignment for a mailing to go out to certain people in our organization's network.  the problem was that the person who knew anything about anything was on vacation until after the thanksgiving holiday.  fine.  so when she came back last week, i wanted to get the assignment done as soon as possible (particularly since we were on a deadline of placing an order for things we needed for the mailing by the end of day on wednesday) because i was also in the middle of another project that had a deadline of friday and had top priority for me (had to do with donors, and for a nonprofit nothing is more important).  unfortunately, it seemed everything i did for the mailing assignment was wrong.  i presented options, and the options were continually shot down due to some requirement i didn't fully grasp the importance of before doing all the work.  finally, on wednesday (after 5:30pm), after realizing that the mailing project had caused me to fall painfully behind on the donor project, i find something that everyone can agree on and place the order.

(sidenote: the donor project ended up being okay)

fast forward to today, which is when we needed the order to come in because we have certain employees flying into town tomorrow that need the order to complete the mailing project.  i get the box with our order and realize that it's somewhat small.  i open the box.  and flip out.  the order is right (i.e. it serves our purpose)...but it's wrong (i.e. it totally doesn't look like what my boss - or anyone else - wanted it to look like).  it was exactly what i ordered, only i didn't look closely enough at what i was ordering.  in all the frustration, confusion, needing to meet deadline and satisfy all of these crazy requirements (not least of which was an extremely tight budget), i didn't take a close enough look at the specs of what i was ordering.  and we'd had it personalized, so i couldn't return it (not that it would matter, since there would be no time to return it and get a replacement anyway).

so now i feel completely incompetent (how hard is it to get a stupid order right?), and completely irresponsible (didn't i find it necessary to read all of the item details before placing the order?).  and because my boss is as much of a perfectionist as i am, i'm also worried about keeping my job.

needless to say, it's rough start and a worse day.