confessions of a shopaholic

so i usually try not to think about my debt. i know it's probably not smart to ignore it, but for the most part, i do. but then there's always that day of the month where bills need to be paid, and you get to see on your little online banking statement that you are not only in debt, but you are actually in uber debt (and, here, i'm differentiating between the immense amount of money i owe on my school loans, and my credit card debt).

by credit card uber debt i mean that you owe more money than you can foresee yourself accumulating over the next year.

realizing this stresses me out. i'll think about it for the rest of the day, and start my trademark snowballing, during which i will go from being a relatively stable law student with money on her credit card, to the homeless woman down the street who looks at you kind of funny. i can't help it.

and, as i explained to the bank of america customer service guy once who was getting fresh with me and speaking like i was some spoiled teenager who didn't know what the hell a service charge was, it's not like i want to be in debt. it's not like i dug myself this hole in a few months. this debt has been growing since my sophomore year of college (though it was manageable back then because i had a job...). i mean, my parents are great but i really haven't been able to turn to them for money for anything since i went away to school. which is how it should be, i guess, but it's hard paying for your education/rent/living expenses/travel home on your own when you're a full-time student with a part-time job. and, unfortunately, for the last three years i've had to survive on a somewhat ridiculous budget given to me by the federal government, and not supplemented by paychecks.

and contrary to what some may think, financial aid is NOT the same as income, people!

but this is an excuse. because the real reason i'm in credit card debt is because i shop too much. this passed weekend, i watched "true life: i'm a compulsive shopper" on mtv. and while i don't go to the extremes those girl go to, i could sympathize. and because i realized earlier this year that perhaps my shopping was getting out of control, i've taken my credit cards out of my wallet, leaving me only my debit card for spending money. this has helped somewhat, in that i can't just charge my urban outfitters or old navy purchases, but it doesn't solve the problem for 2 specific reasons.

1. because my huge-debt credit card is a miles card, and so i put any flights i take on that card. and in case anyone was wondering, flights to hawaii are stupid expensive these days, and (all things considered) not going home is not an option at this point. i also put most of my ireland trip this summer on that card as well (yes, i went to ireland on this debt...i know that probably wasn't the best idea, but travel to me is practically like breathing. it's a necessity). it should, however, be duly noted that because of these massive charges, i can now fly roundtrip to europe on my miles!
2. since my credit cards are out of commission, i put all my purchases on my debit card, leaving me less and less money to pay off my bills with. and honestly, i shouldn't be spending money that needs to go toward making good on my debt.

so i don't know what to do. especially with the holiday season upon us. i love buying things for people. it's fun for me and fun for them, and i don't want to not give people the presents they want (although some people are getting homemade cookies instead of store-bought gifts this christmas). PLUS, i'm rationalizing it all by saying that i'll get a financial aid disbursement at the beginning of january, part of which i'll use to get rid of a good portion of my credit card bill. (then again, i said that last year too).

my only recourse at this point is to stop shopping for myself. and even typing that, i'm thinking, "are you kidding?! what about that top you wanted from urban outfitters? or those earrings you saw in anthropologie? or that bag from target? what about buying that new bookshelf you've wanted from ikea? or all those books you want to read? what about buying music? surely, that can't count..." i mean, it's difficult! it may sound simple and stupid and sort of common sense, but when you shop like i do, and when shopping helps to relieve law school stress like it does for me, not shopping is almost scary.

so here's what i'm going to look forward to instead. these are the things that i'm asking for this christmas that will [hopefully] replace my need to shop by keeping me busy, creative, productive, and excited:

1. joining a gym. not only because i really need to lose weight, but because i want to take some of the classes that are offered at this one gym nearby. now, don't laugh (which you may want to do since, at this point, you all know i'm probably the least coordinated person on the planet), but those classes include hip-hop and salsa dancing/exercise classes. and i want to take up yoga, and possibly pilates. this gym also has a pool, and as i am so much more of a swimmer than a runner, i think i'm set!
2. taking photography classes. i feel like everyone around me can take these stunning pictures of the most everyday, mundane things, and i want to do that. i've always wanted to try it and just never have. this will give me a good chance to learn more about it.
3. writing. K. said to me yesterday (after i complained about how i got an offer to publish another article, but it's not the kind of published i want to be - talk about ungrateful. i've since slapped myself back to humility.) that i can't get what i haven't written published. and if i want to publish fiction, then i have to write fiction first. so i'm going to choose one of the many stories floating around my head and get it out on paper. my lighter school load next semester will help.

i'm not going to list down "worrying about finding a job after law school" because that's stressful, will make me want to shop even more (i.e. shouldn't i buy new clothes for the new job?), and is a whole new post that will be up soon.

wish me luck.

cinderella

i don't know why, but i love this dress like it was my first born. it's in the window of iniam on college ave in rockridge, and i pass it every day on the bus up to cal.

i need this dress. i lust after this dress.

wouldn't it be the perfect new years eve dress???


oh, wow. it comes in white too.


now why does it have to cost $368?! i need to learn to sew so i can create my own knock-offs...

hello december, it's been a while

it is officially the last month of what's probably been the most difficult year of my life. i've been waiting for december to arrive for a while now, and can only breathe a sigh of relief now that it's finally here.

what i'm looking forward to this month:

• going home, obviously! i'll be in hawaii from dec. 17th-30th this year, which will give me the much-needed vacation i've been looking forward to, and will allow me to get my fill of my boondock-y home town until next time.
• seeing my new niece for the first time! she's 6 months old and i haven't met her yet!
• playing with my nephew, who seems to realize his agency more and more each time i see him. why can't they stay 2 years old forever?
• christmas shopping! we need to stimulate our economy people! :)
  
• visiting with my grandparents. probably what i'm looking forward to most, even if it'll most likely mean playing hours upon hours of gin rummy. i miss them like absolute crazy. i've also been wanting to get my family history/stories out of my grandfather, so maybe i'll find time to video record him while i'm there.
• watching the bf bond with my dad over throw-netting and spear fishing. it'll be a sight to see, and i'm bringing my camera.
• reading. i've got a book list as long as my arm. see it on the right hand side of my blog.
  
• reclaiming the tan i've lost somewhere along the way.
• finally finishing my article! it's been months and months in coming, and it'll finally be ready for publication! woo!
• ending what's been the worst semester of my academic career.
• christmas! i love absolutely everything about christmas. i've got lists ready to go and cookies ready to bake.
• writing for fun. i plan on sitting on the patio and writing till my hands fall off.
• the beach. ohhhhh, the beach. ocean so blue it looks fake. sand so warm it burns your feet. *SIGH*
• hilo rain. i know this seems like the exact opposite from the last one, but the fact is that hilo is one of the rainiest places in the united states, with quillayute/forks, WA coming in next of course. it's just that it rains at night (every night). so you go to the beach during the day, then fall asleep to a storm. there's nothing like it.
• seeing some of the bffs for the first time since lehua's wedding in june. it's tradition to go to this italian place and order the same exact thing every single time.
• seeing my mom. i don't know if you can ever miss anyone the way you miss your mother.
  

just 17 days and counting!

happy december everyone!


also, and kind of randomly, i don't know if i've mentioned this before but i think the Lord of the Rings movies are some of my favorite movies ever, which is saying a lot considering how hard it is for me to pick a favorite anything. i decided this over the weekend, since tbs has been playing the movies over and over, and we (meaning me, the bf, and the bf's bff) have been watching them. not only do those movies give me the opportunity to see new zealand again, which can't be discounted (my bf and i met and started dating while studying abroad in new zealand), but they are just ridiculously well-made films.

i've read the books (the hobbit through the silmarilian). i love the books. and i think the movies were such clever adaptations of one of the best stories ever written. i mean, tolkien created an entire world. how do you do that? it's amazing.

damn, now i need to add that series to the book list again...

and finally, i think bella's lullaby is growing on me. put it on repeat and it's great study music. still not sure if i like it as that specific song though...

today's obsession

just a quick and dirty post because i can't stop listening to this album. hence, today's obsession:

p.s. "manhattan" is great.

impossibly excited

it may be time to move on from twilight. at least until new moon comes out. and what better way?

twilight review!

so the twilight movie has finally been released and i, for one, was really excited to see it. some friends and i braved the masses of tweens on friday night and were able to get our first looks at the film. here are my thoughts:

• i've never been a great judge of movies. no one i know will ever claim that i have amazing taste in my favorite flicks, and will actually probably be more likely to say that i tend to love awesomely bad movies. so the fact that i liked twilight should come as no surprise to anyone. it isn't a great movie. i'm not delusional enough to think it is. but i liked it just the same.
• the cheese factor in this movie is through the roof. i mean, at times the awkwardness was straight up painful. (picture me, hands over face, cringing into my sister and whispering over and over, "ohmygod, i can't watch, i can't watch, i can't watch.") but that's sort of how the book is, you know? edward's lines are cheesy. the romance is cheesy. that's why we love it. because it's not real life. and i feel like those lines almost had to be kept in the movie to even keep the movie true to the book. if edward was just this smooth guy, he wouldn't be edward. because edward is most definitely not smooth. he's a melodramatic manic depressive obsessive compulsive stalker vampire. so while i admit that, at times, the pained look that crossed edward's film-face was over the top, i'll deal with it. besides, it's robert pattinson's face. who wouldn't deal with it?!
• speaking of cheesy lines, the lion and lamb line was kept in! and it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been! i thought the actors pulled it off much as it could have been pulled off. besides, if that line was taken out of the movie, could you imagine the riots that would cause?
  
• i didn't have as much faith in kristen stewart playing bella as i should have. because i really enjoyed her portrayal. it came across truer to bella than i thought it would, and that was a pleasant surprise i wasn't expecting. the voice over in particular set the movie for me right from the start, and i think she had the right tone when delivering it.
  
• charlie was awesome. one of my favorite characters in the movie, while he wasn't necessarily one of my favorites in the books.
• i think i was prepared for the beginning half of the movie to be rushed, so it wasn't that bad for me. some of the girls i watched the movie with were disappointed with the speed at which bella and edward's relationship developed since, as we all know, it took nearly 300 pages for that same relationship to develop in the book. but i was impressed that it even took as long as it did in the movie. i thought it was a clever adaptation in that they had to fit an entire week of back and forth questioning between the book's bella and edward into about 5 minutes for the movie's bella and edward.
• oh, the sparkling-in-the-sun scene. should have left it out... i think we all would have understood. they should also probably steer away from doing close-ups of the characters while they're flying. like, the mid-air shot of bella and edward when edward is flying from one tree to the next? baaaad effect.
  
• can i just say how excited i was that iron & wine's "flightless bird, american mouth" ended up being the prom song playing in the last scene? which was also my favorite scene in the movie. i love love love that song.
• um, i want a volvo c30. cutest little sports car ever.
  
• supporting cast: i've said it once, i'll say it again. i have a girl crush on alice. which is why i wish she was in the movie more, but i guess we can look forward to that more now that the next books are being adapted! oh, and dear jasper: what is up with your expressions?! you are so cute in real life! why do you look so strange in the film? love, kahea. emmett and rosalie are perfect emmetts and rosalies, and i loved the supporting cast playing bella's human friends. jessica in particular was awesome in that way that she was the girl you knew in high school that you were great frenemies with. bad vamps = bad vamps. and hot james was, well, hot.
• baseball scene was actually better on the big screen than i thought it was in the book. maybe because i'm not a big baseball person. or sports person in general for that matter. that look that rosalie shoots bella when she's called out...i think i've seen my older sister give girls that look before. i pitied them, and i pitied bella.
• what can i say about jacob? not impressed with the wig. pull it back in a pony-tail and maybe it'll work. and that's all i've got. i figure i'll have enough to say about him in the next couple movies. (though isn't the actor playing jacob just adorable?)
  
• the makeup. hmmmmm... i think here i have to join the critics and ask what the eff was up with edward's lipstick?! i mean, i get that they have to have pale skin (though carlisle's skin may have been a bit too powdery), but edward's lipstick is practically darker than mine.
• i think one of my least favorite scenes was the hospital scene. and i'm not sure what this says about the entire movie itself, so i'm just going to write it here and see what everyone else thinks. i'm talking about several lines of dialogue specifically. those lines where edward is telling bella that she should go to jacksonville and bella starts freaking out saying how he can't leave her and all that. and i don't know. that felt rushed for me, more than the entire beginning part of the movie did. but i think it felt rushed because the beginning was rushed. it just felt like, "really? you're that in love with him already? i didn't get that..." so i don't know. that was my big complaint with the script, i think. i'm just not sure if that one little complaint is a reflection on the whole script, you know?
  
• biggest drawback of the movie for me was the crowd in the theater i watched it in. i mean, i get that people love robert pattinson, and love edward's character even more. but seriously? you're in a public theater. so that means you should shut up during a movie. if you want to cat call, yell out some pretty disgusting suggestions (that, btw, would be totally illegal because you're all jail bait), and propose to the actor on the screen in front of you, wait until the movie comes out on dvd, rent it, and do those things in the comfort of your own living room. i mean, yes, there were times when i laughed out loud at the awkwardness. and even more times when i clenched my hands in anticipation for what i knew was coming next (i.e. the big kiss), but i'm not going to sit there screaming. but i guess that's what i get for watching it with 13 year olds. my one consolation? the theater gave away raffles right before the movie started. just pins, posters, t-shirts, and the grand prize of all three. guess who won the grand prize? that's right, yours truly! so when i walked back to my seat with my loot, some 15 year old begs, "ohhh, can i have it, pleeease?" and i get to snootily say no, then hand it all to my little sister. best moment ever.

alrighty, so those are my thoughts on the new twilight movie. overall, on a scale of 1-10, i'd give it a...6.5 or a 7. i'll definitely watch new moon and anything else they adapt, and i'll probably see twilight again. i think i've convinced my boyfriend to see it with me on wednesday when hopefully all the tweens will be in school.

he owes me BIG for apaloosa.

interesting...

a crash course in hawaiian history...or not.

on one hand, i'm glad that a movie is being made, because i don't think a lot of people are aware of what happened to hawaii. and i guess i understand why they had to add a romance that for all intents and purposes never even happened into it. this is hollywood, after all. but on the other hand, i definitely think it could have been compelling enough without the romance.

i guess i can only say that i hope q'orianka kilcher (who, don't get me wrong, i support whole-heartedly as a native actress) plays princess ka'iulani as a strong woman. because i'd like to think she was a strong woman who would have made even more of a difference in the fate of hawaii had she lived.

hello, blog. i'm back

i've been absent lately, almost 2 weeks now, actually. and i have excuses to boot. but i guess that'll all be covered. i just know that a lot of what i've been thinking/feeling/seeing for the passed 14 days won't make it into this post, and that's a shame. but i won't remember it all, nor will i know how/where to fit it in so that i don't appear a mumbling mass of incoherent writer. so this post will be what it is. in absentia and all.

so my last post was on election night. there are no words to express what it is like watching history happen in front of your eyes. watching hope spring, i guess. i mean, it really is something amazing to see that simple and that complex of an emotion once you thought it dead. as sad as it is, i honestly thought hope was dead in americans. at least when it came to america. and to see it again was so encouraging. i mean, it's obvious (and the obama camp keeps saying it like a mantra) that our country is in a terrible state right now, and fixing it won't be easy, and it won't happen overnight. but the fact that americans are even hoping that it can happen at all says something in and of itself.

i'm going to admit now that i was on the fence for a while. i wanted hillary to be the democratic nominee. not because i didn't want it to be obama. but because obama didn't give me any reason not to want it to be hillary. and then when he won, i thought to myself, "okay, now show me. show me why you deserve my vote, not by default, but by policy." and on top of that, mccain has sound Indian policy, sound immigration policy, he's worked with Hawaii senators on issues for Native Hawaiians, and his history as a vet (though by now I think everyone's sick of it, but at the time...) did make an impression on me. but then palin happened. and, oh, she happened big.

i have never, in my life, been so afraid of the american people. i was terrified that they would vote her into office. now, i'm not the jon stewart type of girl, okay? i generally dislike when people make any kind of fun of others. and i really dislike when they make money off of it. does no one else find this rude and...unclassy? anyway, regardless of this personality quirk of mine, can i just say how tina fey became my overnight hero? those skits...wow. tina fey single-handedly immortalized the idiocy that was palin-for-vice-president.

and, i mean, come on! palin over biden?! really?! i love biden. i think he's going to be amazing. and that choice, in the end, is what solidified the obama vote for me. even over the palin-upchuck-reflex. for me, obama choosing biden said, "hey, this guy may not have experience, but he's smart enough to recognize his weaknesses and plan accordingly. he'll surround himself with people who's strengths he can play off of. he's already making great decisions."

and so obama got my vote. and i voted in what is undoubtedly the most historic presidential election our country has seen yet.

but in the midst of this amazing win for america's future (fingers crossed!), came the california prop 8 vote.

now, i'm not a california voter, and i was really glad i wasn't. because, and i know this may be hard for some to hear, but i'm not sure how i would have voted, and i probably would have left that box blank.

it's a really difficult position for me to be in. because on one hand, i'm the type of person who respects the law enough that i think legislating my religious beliefs on another is not acceptable. they are my beliefs, and not anyone elses. we have civil rights for a reason: because everyone, no matter what, should be treated equally. not allowing someone to marry because of who they are marrying is not equality.

but on the other hand, these are my beliefs. well, they should be. i grew up in a very christian family. my aunt and grandmother are pastors, for crying out loud. my step mother is ordained. whenever i come to my father with a problem, i can almost count on this being the first answer i hear: "well, you need to pray about it, baby. you know, only the lord knows the right answer." so it becomes difficult when faced with a decision that invokes all of these religious ties, and when you grow up learning that, from that perspective, this is wrong. and while no one should be able to legislate their beliefs on someone else, isn't that why we're a democracy? so that it's not one person's beliefs becoming law? but rather, it's the majority's opinion, religious or no. the problem, i guess, arises when so much of the country is of one religious persuasion.

so i guess i wanted to ask God what he believes is right. do we deny people their happiness? their opportunity to be just like the rest of us? is that what he wanted? and if so, why? why were people created in ways that would deny them their rights? what did He mean by doing this?

do you think we'll ever get our answers? isn't that what faith is? the belief that He's already given you the answers? am i just looking for an easy way out?

i told you i had some complicated things to write. :)

things have sort of finally settled down though, and i'm glad. i'm not sure how much more i could have taken. the reason i haven't blogged in a while was because i've been in trial mode. i had my culminating event for my trial practice class this passed weekend. that event was a three hour trial. i was on a firm of 3, defense-counsel, and for my part, i had to do 2 cross-exams of plaintiff's experts, one 776 exam of an adverse witness, and one direct examination.

i can say two things about this first trial experience of mine:

first, i was not cut out to be a trial lawyer. it's just honest-to-goodness not in me. i don't thrive in that kind of pressured environment. i dislike the subtle, underhanded hostility that goes on between plaintiff's counsel and defense counsel. you know that feeling that you're told you'll get? the adrenaline feeling that you'll crave after the first time you try it? yeah, i don't feel that. i feel slightly sick each time i think of having to ever go to trial. to ever stand in front of a bunch of strangers and convince them that i'm right, while someone else is trying to convince them that i'm wrong and i can't just turn to that person and say, "shove it!" the procedure of trials themselves are just mind-boggling. and the stress is quite frankly not worth it.

second, if i were ever going to do this again? i'd be a rockstar at cross-exams. they say that you can tell what kind of trial lawyering style you'd have after the very first time. they're right. i'm great at crosses because i can attack someone without seeming to attack them. my boyfriend watched me during the trial and said he felt pity for the people i crossed, because they didn't know what was coming. i just sweetly box them in, and box them in, and box them in, until i finally have them exactly where i want them, and then i ruin them. it's because i have a sweet and shy sort of personality (in front of strangers. i should make that clarification because my friends are laughing their asses off in disbelief right now.). the cross is sort of like lulling the witness into complacency, and then impeaching them. and it helps knowing that i know every single answer they're going to give me.

while gearing up for the trial, i found myself thinking one night on the commute home about how amazing the human body is. i mean, speaking of my body, i'm constantly amazed at how much it can endure. how much it can...stretch...to accommodate the crap i do to it. and not just the body like, the muscles or bones or tissues and stuff. but more specifically, the mind. i mean, i don't think it's a secret that i've felt like i'm being held together by fraying thread at the moment. and last week, i think i cried on nearly every commute home. most of the time because of the sheer exhaustion of having to think about a million things at once and not knowing what to do about any of them. and the fact that i was able to deal enough to do a trial just really made me appreciate my body and mind more. and made me wonder where my limits are. because if these aren't it, was i made to withstand more? am i going to have to?

there's this carrie underwood song where the lyrics say something about the mountain you've been climbing being just a grain of sand. what a thought.

and speaking of carrie underwood. i went to her concert saturday night as a "congratulations, you survived trial practice!" with M. it was great. i miss going to shows. B. and i are planning on making more time for them next semester. i'm glad. i feel like i'm making moves to reclaim the part of me that i regret losing at some point.

and i guess that's as good an update as any for the night! it feels good to get it all down again.

hello, blog. i missed you, too.



reminders for future posts:

favorite lines from songs
twilight movie review
sad/happy playlists

FINALLY!!!

OBAMAMAMAMMAMAMAMAMAMA!!!!!!!

here's to our new PRESIDENT!!

mid-day update

so two things for this mid-day update, i guess.

FIRST:


and SECOND, a little inspiration from ms. rhea:

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.