an exercise in honesty

i've never not had a plan for my life. as much as i like to think so, i'm really not that spontaneous or wild. so now, here i am freshly graduated from law school and completely plan-less. i do not want to be a lawyer, i frequently wonder if i've wasted the last 3 years of my life, i have no idea what i want to do next, and because i don't know, i can't even start planning on reaching those phantom goals.

suffice it to say -- I AM FREAKING OUT.

and if i'm completely honest with myself -- as i so rarely am -- there's something else going on too. now, i rarely get into any serious discussion about my relationship with N. on this blog both because i'm half afraid he'll find it and read it, and because it's just very...personal. but i've already talked to him about this issue so i don't feel quite as nauseated at the thought of him reading this, and this also directly impacts any future plans i may be cooking up. if it seems a little voyeuristic for you to be reading about the inner workings of my 4.5-year long relationship, please feel free to stop. but most of you readers are close friends anyway, so here goes:

over the last 3 years, my friend M. and i have had numerous discussions about the fact that we both moved to new cities we knew very little about because the men in our lives were there. we both changed our lives to suit these men, and we have both been hyper-dependent on these men ever since. as much as i hate to admit it, and as much as i try and tell myself that i really moved to CA for school, the fact is that school was an excuse to move closer to N. i was miserable without him. it was like the city i once loved had been stripped of everything i had loved about it. i felt lonely, like he had just gone and left this huge gaping hole in my day-to-day that i had once filled with him. so when the chance came to make some changes in my life, the first change i made was to move.

prior to this, i had always been the type of person who swore she would never make any big decisions based on a guy. i was strong. i was independent. i was also terribly naive. but my parents had always taught their daughters to put themselves first, to accomplish all they wanted to do with their lives before settling down, to not end up in a relationship that kept you from doing, from living.

to be fair, N. never asked me to move to be with him. he never put me in that position. just like he unilaterally decided to move from where i was to CA, he left the decision of where i would go to law school up to me. i think that's one of the things i respect most about him: he knew what was right for his life and he did it, regardless. and he wanted me to do the same. that was the type of person i used to be.

and i'm not saying that moving to be with him wasn't right for my life. because i think it was. law school may not have been, but N. remains one of the best parts of my life, and of me. quite honestly, he will probably be the man i marry one day. so all in all, moving down to be with him may have been one of the best, and most influential, things i ever done.

but the fact remains that, in a way, i did it more for him, and less for me. well, that's not really fair; i guess i did it more the me that was part of a couple, and less because it would have been best for the me that was an individual. so that huge decision will always be...tainted. i actually remember having a conversation with a friend prior to leaving WA in which i couldn't stop questioning if moving down to be with him made me really strong because i could do it, or really weak because i had to do it? i've never come around to believing that it made me strong. and there's just no getting around the fact that i've been conforming my life, my dreams, my goals, to his ever since i made that decision. he came back to CA and has been doing everything he ever planned to do. i came down to CA and have been fitting my life around that plan of his, throwing out whatever i may have wanted that won't work, and replacing it with what will work for us.

i started doing this because, to my thinking, our relationship, our future, was my new goal. and it still is. but now that i'm older and more...secure...in that relationship, i think both N. and i have realized that who we are and what we want as individuals won't just disappear in the face of who we are and what we want as a couple, no matter how much we may hope it does. so those dreams i once had? those goals? they're still there.

one of those goals has always been to live abroad more, to see the world. i studied abroad, both in northern ireland and in new zealand (where N. and i met), when i was in college, and i've always wanted to do so again. when i made the decision to go to law school and move down here to be with N., i just assumed that that goal was just a childish, i-don't-want-to-grow-up goal that i would get over. but it wasn't, and i haven't. instead, i've talked about it non-stop for the past 3 years, and i've periodically thrown out the idea of us just picking up and going, to the point where N. has asked me numerous times why i just don't do it. my answer? i don't want to leave him. and that answer has worked thus far because i've had a life plan to go along with: Plan A.

but as we all know, Plan A didn't work out. so here i am, on the cusp of a new chapter in my life, an unwritten, un-outlined chapter, and i'm faced with another big decision. what do i do? where do i go?

N. worries that if i don't take advantage of this time in my life, where we don't have a mortgage or children who need to be in school, then i'll wake up one day when we're 40 and regret our life together. or resent him for holding me back (his words, not mine).

i worry that if i don't take advantage of this time in my life, i'll be passing up my chance for one of my last adventures. i know it sounds crazy, and friends have been telling me that we're so young, this isn't my last adventure, and i know that's true (marriage is an adventure, kids are an adventure, growing up in and of itself is an adventure), so let me clarify by saying that i mean it very narrowly: adventure in the sense of picking up and traveling whenever and however you may like. because realistically, you just can't do that when you have a family and children and all those things i want someday. we have a narrow window of time in which to be young and selfish, you know? why not take advantage of it?

i'm also worried that if i don't grasp this chance to take back a certain amount of the individuality i feel i lost when i began conforming my life to N.'s, i really will begin resenting myself (and him) one day. and i don't think i could stand that.

which is where yesterday's post comes from.

i've been considering going back to school for a while, i guess, so this isn't really out of the blue. i just haven't talked about it very much to very many people because it's been nerve-racking coming to the realization that i've failed so utterly at Plan A. and the fact is that i don't have the faintest idea as to what i want to do with my life right now. so while i'm considering a Master's or a PhD, i don't even know if i want to teach, or that i'd even feel qualified to teach after getting a PhD. so i worry that i'd just be buying time, postponing the inevitable that is having to figure out what it is i want. but really, what's wrong with that? if i'm not getting a job anyway, or if i'm only getting jobs i hate, why not spend three years doing what i love to do (i.e. research, writing, possibly abroad), while i figure it out?

because there's also a certain level of fear that comes with it. i'm afraid of starting something new and not having that work out either. i'm afraid that, after getting my PhD, i'll be in no better position that i'm in now. i'm afraid of being more in debt. i'm afraid of moving to a place where i know only a handful of people (i.e. New Zealand), and starting a whole new life. and i'm afraid, again, of being without N. who has been my security blanket for so many years.

i obviously have more to think about than i care to. i guess possible big changes will do that.

i will, however, say that i am excited as well. scared, but excited.

a possible Plan B

explanations to come:

From: Julie A.
To: Me
Date: Thu, Aug 27, 2009 at 12:24 PM
Subject: Re: Inquiry

Hi Kahea,

I just heard back from the University of Auckland so I am glad you clarified that with me! It looks like you would be eligible to apply directly into a PhD program or the master’s year. You would not need to do the postgraduate diploma if you wanted to do the master’s route and it would take about a year.

As for the PhD, they are 3 year programs with 100% research. You would be matched with a faculty supervisor and have to submit either a research outline or proposal. The nice thing about PhD programs is they can be started at any point throughout the year AND as an international student you will be paying domestic student rates, which is about $5000 a year depending on the school.

If you are interested in the PhD, I would encourage you to fill an “Expression of Interest” (EOI) application online. This requires you to provide your academic background online, plus a research proposal. The faculty will then assess both your academic qualifications and whether the research you intend to do is applicable at University of Auckland. You will need to go into: https://xyz and follow the instructions. If you already have a supervisor in mind, you will be encouraged to mention it in the EOI.

If you are interested in the Master of Arts in Anthropology, the deadline will be November 1^st for the February 2010 semester.

The honours year is only available for New Zealand students and it is considered their “fourth year” since bachelors degrees are only three years there. You would not have this requirement and honors from the U.S. is not equivalent. You should be able to bypass this requirement since you have a graduate degree.

Let me know what sounds like the best option for you. I have attached the application instructions for you to apply through your MyLearn account if you are interested in the master’s.

Cheers,

Julie