out with the old, in with the new

it's strange to think about where i was in my life when this decade began (both literally, because i was at an nsync concert for new years even 2000, and figuratively, for every other reason).  things are so different now.  first of all, i was still in high school, with no idea where i'd even go to college, let alone that i'd end up in law school.  the thought of living for a few months in ireland or new zealand were dreams i had but never thought i'd actually get to do.  i probably had some vague expectation that i'd be married (or at least engaged), and have children by  now.  and i pretty much thought my life would be a straight shot from here to retirement.

i was, of course, wrong.

but the decade has been a busy one.  i graduated from high school, left hawaii, moved to washington, studied abroad in ireland and new zealand, met N. and fell in love for the first time, graduated from college, traveled around asia, moved to the bay area, began and ended law school, and had a mini-quarter life crisis.

let no one say i've been lazy.

and i have a lot to show for it, obviously.  i've had a good -- albeit, sometimes very tough -- decade, which seems to mirror 2009 as well.  this was the year to end probably the second hardest (if not hardest) three years of my life.  and on the heels of that came an equally difficult life re-evaluation.  but, as i sit at home in hawaii with my family around me and so much to be grateful for, i realize that the rewards of the decade and the year have been worth it.

so i'm going to close the first decade of the twenty-first century on an up note.  i am here, i am healthy, and i am happy.  the possibilities for my life abound and the foundation i have to lean on for support is stronger than i deserve.  i have a wonderful family, beautiful friends, and hope for my future.

what the world would be like if everyone were as lucky.

so here's hoping that you find yourself in a similar state this new year's eve.  thank you all for continuing to read about me and my life, and for your comments (which mean the world to me) and your support (which has been invaluable).  if, however, you find yourself reflecting back on years that have been more trying than you often thought you could bear, i truly hope 2010 brings you much-needed change, relaxation, and whatever else you may need.


happy new year's, friends!

blogging through my debt: the beginning

i've been thinking a lot about money lately.  maybe because i've been reading Ashley's (of Writing to Reach You fame) new blog A Story of Debt, maybe because all of my student loans came due this month, or maybe it's because it's the season of giving (and by giving we actually mean buying).  any one of these reasons would be enough to get me to take a good, hard look at my spending habits, really, and it's about time too.

so i have a few confessions to make:

• as i know i mentioned in many previous posts, i have a problem with money.  in that i spend it too easily/quickly/arbitrarily/mindlessly/etc.  as N. likes to put it, i tend to "live above my means," or at least i seem to try to.  my family was definitely always one of those paycheck to paycheck households and, now that i'm older, the thought of getting my own electricity cut off, or not making rent, or not being able to pay bills still sends me into severe panic attacks.  but the point is that even though growing up we didn't have, and even though not having was perfectly fine in terms of what we needed most of the time as kids, i still wanted.  so now i spend, regardless of whether or not i have.  my vices include gifts for my loved ones, eating out several times a week, and clothes.  i have a severe, severe addiction to clothes shopping.
  
• my credit card debt (not to be confused with my educational uber debt) is astronomical.  because i want to be completely honest here, and because this will be a way to hold me accountable, i'll confess that my current debt falls somewhere in the vicinity of $13k.  roughly $11,500 of it can be found on what i'll call my miles card, and the other on my little card.  i have about a hundred dollars on a victoria's secret angel card as well.  admitting this is humiliating, to say the least.
  
• when i calculate my portion of the rent and bills, along with my phone, credit card payments and my latest personal hell's angel, the student loan payment, my monthly expenses (not including groceries) total more than half of my monthly income.  because i've been jobless for most of the past several months, i haven't paid my portion of the rent since september.
  
• even now, after having suffered another anxiety attack just this past monday because i didn't have enough for december's rent and all my bills this month, i still want to shop.  i probably want to shop because of all of this.  i've even bookmarked webpages.  it's a sickness.  this will undoubtedly be my biggest struggle.
  

aside from reading Ashley's blog and finding solace in the fact that there just may be others like me out there in the world, as well as talking to some of my closest friends (one of which is living primarily off of ramen at the moment), there are a few things i'm doing to begin to get myself (and my money) under control:

• at the suggestion of a really good friend of mine, J., N. and i have enrolled in Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University.  now, let me just say a few things about this right off the bat:  this will not be for everyone.  i'm not even sure N. likes it right now.  dave ramsey isn't saying anything new or enlightening.  i can guarantee you that you've heard it all before and just didn't/wouldn't/couldn't follow through.  he's also quite preachy, and very Christian.  i sometimes feel like i'm surrounded by the mars hill superfans (holler if you're from seattle!) when i watch his lessons, and i'm only taking them online.  finally, and probably most ironic of all, you have to pay for this course.  it's about money management, about spending less and putting less on credit cards and all that, and yet, it doesn't come cheap.  needless to say, i wouldn't have done it had it not come so highly recommended by someone i've known for years who's gone through it with her entire family.  we've nearly completed the first lesson and i've already realized that i'm not where near where i want/need to be, financially, and i can't just ignore it.
  
• as part of the course, i'm anticipating having to create a budget for myself.  i'm really excited about this.  and i think i can make it work as long as i'm realistic about my budgeting.  i tried to make one last year, but the problem was that i tried to cut myself off from all of my habits cold-turkey.  it just doesn't work.  i left myself no wiggle room for going to a nice dinner every so often, or buying something for myself once in a while.  with the kind of personality i am, under that kind of restrictions i'm likely to just say "screw it" and head on out to Target.  so this time around, i'm really looking forward to creating a workable budget for myself, that also includes AN INCOME!
• i'm getting back to my roots.  somehow, my parents managed to raise an incredible family on very little.  we had food every night, clothes every day, and little luxuries every once in a while that worked perfectly fine.  they did it, and since i'm heading home next week, i thought what better time to pick their brains and get some money saving ideas.
• i have goals this time around.  not just some abstract idea of "saving money," but actual concrete goals that i can work towards if i follow my budget.  here are some of them:  1) i want to create a $5,000 emergency fund, 2) i want to cut up all but one credit card, and 3) i want to save at least $5,000 to use to possibly go abroad for grad school.

i'm going to try and continue to chronicle my own debt struggles and, if you find yourself in a similar boat, i'd encourage you to stop by every once in a while so that you too know you're not alone, and definitely head over to A Story of Debt, where you'll find even more support and an even better read!

perfecting incompetence

adjusting to work has not been easy.  learning the ins and outs of a new organization, getting to know the different working styles of the individuals that make that organization run, and, for me, having to let myself make mistakes on a regular basis has been an almost-nightmare.

because i'm a perfectionist.  i value perfection.  my new boss values perfection.

and i am so less than perfect right now.

there are two reasons i can spot right off the bat that explain my inability to attain that level of performance i'm most satisfied with:

1. it doesn't exist.  perfectionists as a rule like to delude ourselves into believing that we can actually be perfect.  that we can always go above and beyond what was expected of us, that we will never make mistakes, and that those who do make mistakes are simply not paying enough attention or working as hard or using enough common sense.  this may or may not be absolute bullshit.  to even entertain the thought that mistakes won't happen is insane.  and honestly, why would you want to be perfect (other than for your own self-serving need to get praised when you please others)?  how do you learn if nothing you do needs changing?  how do you utilize that time-honored tradition of education through trial and error?  you don't.  and though i know all of this, though this all makes complete sense to me, i still can't help being a perfectionist.
2. nonprofits, as a rule, lack the ability to accumulate, record, and maintain any sort of institutional knowledge.  because of the low pay and the subsequent high turnover rate, there doesn't seem to be any one place or person where someone (say, a new employee perhaps?) can go to learn the ropes.  instead, she (and by "she" i mean "me") is given assignments and asked to complete them in unrealistic time frames.  when she asks someone where something is, or how to do something, or what she's supposed to do about something, she's lucky if she doesn't have to go through every person in the organization just to find out how to go about finding out the right answer.  which inevitably means that the work doesn't get done on time, or it gets done wrong.  and doing both of those things just completely messes with the way a perfectionist operates.

it's not that i don't appreciate having a job, or like the people i work with, or believe in the mission of not only my organization but nonprofits as a whole.  i just hate feeling incompetent, and that's all i've been feeling like lately.

today in particular was a hard one.  a few weeks ago, i was given a [seemingly mind-numbingly simple] assignment for a mailing to go out to certain people in our organization's network.  the problem was that the person who knew anything about anything was on vacation until after the thanksgiving holiday.  fine.  so when she came back last week, i wanted to get the assignment done as soon as possible (particularly since we were on a deadline of placing an order for things we needed for the mailing by the end of day on wednesday) because i was also in the middle of another project that had a deadline of friday and had top priority for me (had to do with donors, and for a nonprofit nothing is more important).  unfortunately, it seemed everything i did for the mailing assignment was wrong.  i presented options, and the options were continually shot down due to some requirement i didn't fully grasp the importance of before doing all the work.  finally, on wednesday (after 5:30pm), after realizing that the mailing project had caused me to fall painfully behind on the donor project, i find something that everyone can agree on and place the order.

(sidenote: the donor project ended up being okay)

fast forward to today, which is when we needed the order to come in because we have certain employees flying into town tomorrow that need the order to complete the mailing project.  i get the box with our order and realize that it's somewhat small.  i open the box.  and flip out.  the order is right (i.e. it serves our purpose)...but it's wrong (i.e. it totally doesn't look like what my boss - or anyone else - wanted it to look like).  it was exactly what i ordered, only i didn't look closely enough at what i was ordering.  in all the frustration, confusion, needing to meet deadline and satisfy all of these crazy requirements (not least of which was an extremely tight budget), i didn't take a close enough look at the specs of what i was ordering.  and we'd had it personalized, so i couldn't return it (not that it would matter, since there would be no time to return it and get a replacement anyway).

so now i feel completely incompetent (how hard is it to get a stupid order right?), and completely irresponsible (didn't i find it necessary to read all of the item details before placing the order?).  and because my boss is as much of a perfectionist as i am, i'm also worried about keeping my job.

needless to say, it's rough start and a worse day.