A Wishlist

I've gone quite a while -- relatively speaking -- without shopping, and this has been a huge accomplishment for me.  Shopping, as you know by now, has always been my go-to activity whether I've been stressed or bored or excited or upset.  The purchase of a new item made me feel better, it made me feel like I'd accomplished something.  But after the budget overhaul I've been talking about, and after some massive self-reflection, I realized how sad that was.  Why did I need to buy something to feel good about myself?  Why did I need to control that just because I felt out of control elsewhere?  Weren't there other, more productive and constructive (and inexpensive) things I could do to get those same results?

Well, the answer is yes.  And I've started doing more of that, and less of the spending.

But that doesn't stop the occasional want for something.  So, because I'm not perfect and I'm not a robot, and because I still like to buy things now and then (with money already allocated for that purpose), here is my current, somewhat strange, wishlist:

I am obsessed with Laurie R. King's "Russell/Holmes" books right now.  I can't stop reading them, they are so good.  So next month I want to spend some of my allocated money on buying the next 6 books in the growing series.  If you haven't checked them out yet, you should put it on your book list!

So I used to have an industrial piercing like this, and for some stupid reason I thought that it would be best if I took it out at the start of law school.  (Note to those who may be in this boat: it's unnecessary).  And ever since taking it out, I've wanted it back.  I don't know why, I just do.  So I may spend some of my March money on a piercing.

Since I've finished Stratejoy's Joy Equation and it now has a snazzy self-created cover, I'd like to get it bound and printed.  I think it's important to keep this with me as I go through the next couple of years of my life, so having it held together by more than a pretty pink paper clip sounds like a pretty good idea.  But I just never realized how expensive Kinko's can be!  It'll happen though.

This one's weird, isn't it?  I have dye on my wishlist?  So this goes back to the fact that I haven't been shopping in a while, and I've really been wanting some black skinny jeans.  However, after rifling through my closet and stacks of denim, I realized that I own a pair of unused gray skinnies.  So I plan on picking up some black Rit dye and turning those suckers into some nice, dark jeans.

Nate and my birthday is coming up (same day, remember?) and, since all our camera's were stolen when our apartment was broken into, this is the only thing on that specific wishlist.  I'm pretty sure his mom is getting it for us.  This camera seems to cover all our bases, since it offers the lens flexibility of a DSLR, but the lightweight and compact convenience of a point-and-shoot.

This is not on our bday wishlist, and I don't expect to get it anytime soon (or possibly ever), but I just think they're so cute and convenient.  I played with a friends Flip a while ago and didn't want to give it back.

 Maybe it's because it's been raining cats and dogs lately, but I really want a pair of Hunter's black wellies.  I had a crappy pair of wellies a few years ago that, even though they sucked, I was regretting getting rid of when I was soaked through my jeans and socks in the rain the other day, so I think maybe I'll save for these.  Because they're kind of nice looking, I'm thinking they could possibly double as just a pair of black boots.

Every single time I step foot into Sephora, this is the first thing I head towards.  I have never loved a scent as much as I do Philosophy's "field of flowers."  It's so fresh and simple and bright.  Love, love, love.

Blogging Through My Debt: The Regret

There are a lot of things that have made digging myself out of the debt hole difficult: my new strict budget, the embarrassment, the lack of accountability, the complete lifestyle change this has necessitated (i.e. no more retail therapy or boredom shopping, learning to live within my means).  But as the second month of that new budget moves along and I start getting the hang of not shopping and spending only to pay bills, I'm faced with a new, even more difficult self-inflicted obstacle: my own regret.

Let me put it this way: I funnel almost $700 a month toward paying off my credit card debt (I know it may not seem like much, but when you're working at a nonprofit and getting paid like it, that amounts to a lot).  Imagine the things that could be done with that money if it were actually my money to save or spend as I saw fit.  There's a lot that I want to do -- just take a look at my Life List -- and putting every spare dollar I make toward my debt can be almost discouraging at times.  Especially when that debt is so huge that even with those payments each month, it just doesn't seem to shrink.  

It can start to feel hopeless.  And really stressful.  And that can make the whole process seem like a waste of time.

However, I'm also trying to remind myself that, without having gone through this financial overhaul, I would probably be spending all that debt-funneled money as soon as it was direct deposited into my bank account.  Because if nothing else, and regardless of the embarrassment and stress I feel at having stupidly accumulated all of that debt and now having to pay it all off, this has taught me to be much more responsible with my money.  I now have plans for when I'm debt free (if that time should ever ever come), and those plans are responsible ones like saving for trips instead of just putting those costs on credit, starting a retirement fund, increasing my emergency fund, and saving for a house (that's a big one isn't it?  Yeah, that may not happen for years to come).

So while, as you'll see in my next Blogging Through My Debt post, I won't be free of my credit card debt for a couple of years unless I find a new and better paying job sometime soon, I'm trying to find silver linings in this journey.  After all, I'm learning things as I go along and that's more than I could say if I had never made the attempt.  And once this is all over, I'll have accomplished something that at times still feels impossible.

30 Days of Reconnection

Do you remember how, a few posts back, I mentioned that I was taking Stratejoy's Joy Equation e-course?  I just completed it and wanted to briefly share my experience with you all on the off (or maybe not so off) chance that someone out there is currently going through a kind of quarter life or identity crisis like I did.  After all, if there's anything I've learned from Stratejoy it's that community can mean a world of difference.

Though I highly suggest going to the Stratejoy (pronounced like strategies for joy) website and checking out what it's about for yourselves, in summary it is an amazingly supportive collection of mostly women (many bloggers included), a majority of whom have been or are going through their own QLC.  Stratejoy -- and it's brilliant and inspiring founder Molly Mahar -- offers a bunch of different resources including small business coaching, group coaching, much much more, and...the Joy Equation e-course.

So the reason I literally jumped at the chance to take the Joy Equation was because my life, to put it mildly, had been a complete mess over the last 6 months...or possibly 3 years.  Somewhere during that time, I lost sight of who I was and the things I wanted, the dreams I had and any sort of real, long-term goals for my life.  I was neglecting everything that's good and healthy and worthwhile (like Nate and our relationship and my overall well-being), feeling stuck and useless and helpless and hopeless.  Throw in some severe depression, some therapy, and some self-given ultimatums and I was ready to kill for something -- anything -- to help me figure myself out.

And then, through a series of blogs I stumbled upon, I started hearing about this company called Stratejoy.  

Now, I will admit that when I began the Joy Equation I was also beginning to implement new and healthier changes in my life on several other levels (i.e. therapy, as I said, healthier eating habits and a financial overhaul among them), but I'm not sure any or all of them would have been successful had I not done the things the Joy Equation asked me to do.  I'll be the first to say it's intense -- 30 days of self-reflective journaling?  90 min sessions each week spent trying to really get at who you are and what you want?  There were definitely some uncomfortable moments and some days when I called my mom and was like, "What do you really think of me???" in between sobs.  But sticking with it was worth it.

So I journaled (and became addicted to it once again) and I spent 2 hours each week on the weekly audio sessions, and I read the Stratejoy blog from beginning to end and started joining in on that community of awesome women, and I talked about the Joy Equation and the things I was re-learning about myself nonstop to Nate and my friends and my dog.  And I started feeling better.  I started realizing that the things I thought I wanted I maybe didn't, and the things I thought I couldn't have I totally can.  I realized that my dreams are not mutually exclusive of my reality and that having plans is good, but having flexibility within those plans make them even better.  I learned that there are certain things I can't live without (like joy and travel and purpose and passion and faith and family) and there were definitely areas of my life that didn't honor those necessities.  I'm seeing myself again -- it's a little like meeting an old friend and feeling that, even though you haven't spoken in a while, the closeness and support is still there.

And the really great part is that all of this information was already in my head or heart or wherever.  I just needed some help finding it.

But things aren't perfect and never will be (now that was a hard lesson to learn).  There's still a lot I have to work on when it comes to myself, and a lot of work to do to get to the places I want to be.  So I don't mean to make this sound like some magic button that you push and all of a sudden all of your problems are solved, because it's not.  Instead, for me, it was more like a guide, a friend to support me as I got down and dirty.  I will probably be writing quite a bit more about the things I got out of my 30 days, including some awesome goals I've got to work towards and some habits I'm trying to get into.  But for now I think this is as good a starting place as any.

Update: The Life List (formerly known as The Bucket List)

So yesterday was a bad day, depending on how you look at it.  On one hand, I may get fired from my job today and that would suck.  On the other hand, I may get fired from my job today and that would kick some serious ass.  You see my confusion.

To make myself feel better, I decided to read over my Life List (I'm going to stop calling it a Bucket List since I want to think of my life when I read it, rather than thinking of...kicking the bucket) and remind myself of all the awesome things I'm going to do in my life.  Because, God knows my life is definitely more than this job that I don't even like.

But after reading it, I realized that it's totally time for an update.  After all, there are new things I want to do, new experiences I want to have, and new memories I want to fill my years with.  This list should reflect all of this each step of the way.

The Life List

1. Graduate from a 4-year college [University of Washington, '05]
2. Travel to Ireland ['03, '08]
3. Have a rustic, vintage, outdoor, handmade wedding
4. Fall in love [with Nate]
5. Live outside of Hawaii for an extended period of time ['02-present]
6. Retire on the Big Island, HI
7. Build an incredibly stylish and versatile wardrobe
8. Take a backpacking trip around the world
9. Adopt an animal that needs a home [Mija the cat, Finn the dog]
10. Hike regularly
11. Sky dive at sunset in the Bay of Islands, NZ
12. Bungy jump [Kawarau Bridge, NZ, '05]
13. Cage dive with great white sharks
14. Zip-line in Whistler, BC
15. Volunteer with an international humanitarian organization
16. See U2 live [Soon!  June '11]
17. Take a vacation abroad with my mom and sisters
18. Learn to speak Spanish fluently
19. Get my PhD
20. Go ATVing on Mauna Road on the Big Island, HI
21. Stand under the Eiffel Tower when it's lit up at night
22. Walk through Old City, Jerusalem
23. Take a trip to Alaska and see the Northern Lights, grizzly bears, and go dog sledding
24. Pet a tiger [Thailand, '06]
25. Write a YA novel
26. Own a hybrid car
27. Cultivate a personal relationship with God
28. Keep a journal and try to write in it as much as possible
29. Have my writing published [academic publications, '09]
30. Vacation in Cape Cod and Martha's Vineyard
31. Meet someone famous
32. Overcome my fear of public speaking
33. Watch a sunset in Positano, Italy
34. Study abroad [Northern Ireland '02, New Zealand '05]
35. Learn to snowboard
36. Go on an African safari
37. Take annual vacations somewhere I've never been
38. Work or intern for a travel/lifestyle magazine or publisher (i.e. Sunset, Lonely Planet)
39. Go white water rafting [Wenatchee River, '04]
40. Play in the falling snow [first time: Seattle, '04]
41. Open a bookstore (and possibly a cafe)
42. Visit all the National Parks
43. Go on an archaeological dig
44. Get backstage at a concert and meet the band [Band of Horses, '10]
45. Work/volunteer on a ranch or wildlife preserve
46. Give birth to a child
47. Adopt a child
48. Practice yoga and pilates at least 2x a week for a year
49. Spend a few days in Santorini, Greece
50. Get certified and go diving on the Great Barrier Reef
51. Own a home in Hawaii
52. Lose 40lbs in a healthy way
53. Get a tattoo [Got 2, so far]
54. Take a week-long rafting trip in the Grand Canyon
55. Visit Crater Lake, OR [Northwest Roadtrip, '09]
56. Camp in Yosemite National Park
57. Visit the Great Pyramids of Giza
58. Have a marathon LotR extended version movie night (b/c I'm a nerd)
59. Go horseback riding [with Nate, '08]
60. Work to increase/protect the rights of indigenous peoples
61. Run another 10k
62. Get out of credit card debt
63. Take a cross-country roadtrip
64. Learn to drive comfortably on freeways
65. Have a career where I can work from home
66. Get Lasik eye surgery
67. Visit the fjords and Alesund, Norway
68. Ring in the New Year in NZ (it's the first place to experience it!)
69. Go to the Olympics [Winter Olympics in Vancouver, BC, '10]
70. Own a house with views of the great outdoors
71. Restore a fixer-upper
72. See New England in the Fall
73. Drink beer at Oktoberfest in Munich
74. Go ghost hunting
75. Learn to sew and reupholster
76. Be on the winning team at my family's Annual Cook-Off
77. Earn a stable and comfortable income doing something I love
78. Own a horribly expensive, but utterly fabulous, pair of shoes
79. Grow a garden
80. Start and maintain a savings and retirement fund
81. Move back to Seattle for a period of time 
82. Get my mother's secret recipe for her Energy Bars
83. Go hot-air ballooning
84. Meditate 5x a week for a year
85. Trace my genealogy ['10]
86. Go to a Renaissance Fair ['07]
87. Crowd surf at a rock concert [No Doubt, '98]
88. See the ruins of a lost civilization
89. Buy (and wear) some amazingly sexy La Perla lingerie
90. Raft +5 rapids
91. Stop drinking Diet Coke [January '11]
92. Take a Girls Trip out of the country
93. Hire a personal shopper/stylist for a day
94. Visit a place I've read about in a novel [Monterey, CA and Ireland]
95. Participate in La Tomatina in Spain
96. Take a photography class
97. Travel to Bali, Indonesia
98. Learn to cook one fabulous go-to "company" dinner
99. Relearn to play the violin
100. Call home weekly

On Snowballs and Allowing Things to Change

The last week has been a really interesting one.  It's been full of introspection, allowing myself to try new things and doubt things I thought were practically set in stone.  I've given myself permission to make mistakes and be wrong and actually admit it.  I've spent more time paying attention to Nate and our relationship than I think I have in a while, and it's made me feel simultaneously really great and really guilty.  I've let myself feel that guilt and deal with it rather than deny it or make excuses for myself or push those thoughts to a corner of my mind altogether where I wouldn't have to acknowledge it until it was too late.

I've begun letting myself Dream Big again.  And that's huge for me.

One of my biggest accomplishments lately has been in recognizing my own need for control, my fear of failure, and my tendency to snowball every little thing in my life until it becomes the end all, be all.  It's gotten to the point where, when I make even minor changes in my life, my best friends will say, "Okay now, don't snowball!"  I remember once during my freshman year in college when I was studying for finals for a class that, in the big scheme of things, really meant nothing to me and my future, my mother called.  I was stressed out about not having enough time to study and all of a sudden was hysterically crying to her that, if I didn't study, I would fail the exam, I would fail out of college, I would never get a degree, I would have to move home and work at McDonalds for the rest of my life, I would never get married, never have kids, and when I was old and decrepit, alone and homeless, I would die at the end of my miserable life.  At that point my mom couldn't help herself and she laughed -- I mean, wouldn't you?  I think that's when I shouted something like, "It's not funny, Mom!"

No one ever said I wasn't dramatic.

But that's sort of an indication of where my mind typically goes when I'm faced with possibly making the wrong choices, or when things don't go "according to plan" and I feel like I'm losing control of a situation (or my life).  But this past week has been an eye-opening experience for me as I let myself make some plans, change my mind, and be flexible all around.  Some pretty big decisions are being made and they completely fly in the face of whatever notions I've built in my head over the last year about what my life is supposed to be.  It's...liberating.  

I'm finding that it gets easier and easier to accept that moving one or two bricks will not make the whole house come tumbling down.