When Realization Struck

Every once in a while I'll be hit by some crazy sort of realization which will totally clarify all aspects of my life that have been confusing me lately.

In the months following my arrival at boarding school in the 7th grade, when I was struck with the realization that home would always be there and would always be the same, that I wasn't really losing something I'd already had so much as I was gaining something new, I was able to cope more with -- and eventually get over --  what had been up to that point a debilitating level of homesickness, anger, and childish fear.

In the 12th grade, when I was choosing between the college I really wanted to attend but couldn't afford, or the college that seemed like the better fit for me and had given me a scholarship, realizing that sometimes what I may think is best for me and what actually is best for me aren't always the same things really helped me to make the right decision (and I'm so, so sure it was the right decision all these years later).

This is all to say that I may have just experienced one of those moments again.  

It's no secret that I'm not exactly working in a job that I feel is right for me.  There are a number of reasons for this, but some of the biggest reasons are that it won't get me anywhere near where I want to go, and working at this job doesn't make me happy (almost the exact opposite, actually).  And yet, here I am making excuses for whyI'm still in this position, even while I complain about it daily.  I think, maybe if I keep at it it'll get better, though I know it's unlikely.

Then this morning I found myself thinking about an upcoming meeting I have to travel to, since I'm the point person on it, and I don't want to go.  The meeting is in Hawaii and I still don't want to go, which just tells you in a nutshell where my head is at when it comes to my job.  And so I start coming up with various scenarios for getting out of this meeting, and really, truly, the one I seriously begin considering is, how do I give myself pneumonia during the week leading up to the travel date, because mono would be unfortunate, but I could deal with having pneumonia.

I can't help but laugh now, because it's so ridiculous.  I'm honestly ready to compromise my health to get out of work.  This isn't just calling in sick when you're not actually sick, no this is on an entirely new level of crazy.

And so I guess that's when the realization finally hit home: start looking for other jobs now.  No more wasting time, no more making excuses, no more being afraid or guilty about quitting.  Stop just talking about it and start actually doing it.  Because if I know one thing for certain at this point, it's that this job is not where I need to be.

So, with that said, if anyone has any resources or ideas for The Great Job Hunt, please send them my way.  In particular, I'm looking for jobs that work with, for, or on issues dealing with indigenous peoples.  Law, research, community services, environmental, history, academia, fellowships, anything.  Just something.

My favorite time of year

Autumn has always been my favorite time of year.  Which is a little weird given that I didn't grow up with autumn, or with seasons that change for that matter.  Where I come from life is lived in a perpetual summer.  But I've always been drawn to the fall with it's changing leaves and the snap of cold in the air.  I love the clothes and the mood and the coziness of it all.  I love seeing the reds and oranges and yellows on wet pavement and porches with pumpkins on them as the shortened days fade into evening.  From the first day of October through Christmas, I'm pretty much as happy as can be with my pumpkin spice lattes and peppermint mochas, my scarves and coats and boots, and the festiveness that comes with the three holidays I look forward to most all year long.

Now if only the Bay Area would get its temperatures straight for once this year, things would be perfect.  If not, well, I'll be heading up north for a visit soon and I'm sure Seattle is more than willing to cooperate!

Plan B, is that you?

Let me start this post out by saying that I'm usually not so indecisive when it comes to The Big Things in my life.  I'd like to think that I do okay when it comes to making choices, though they may not always be the right ones.  In fact, I'd put good money on my family and friends thinking I'm often too stubborn when it comes to decisions; I make them, sometimes impulsively and often to serve my need for instant gratification, and then stick to them come hell or high water just because I refused to backtrack.  At one point, these same people would actually brace themselves when I said the words, "So I decided..."

And I know that lately it's seemed that all I do is go back and forth between my decisions, or hesitate and cringe away from making the really important ones.  This is all part of the same vein though, since I think I now do this because I'm usually so stubborn after the decision has been made.  Maybe I'm just afraid of being wrong.

So it doesn't really surprise me in the least that I've somewhat rethought my plan to go to grad school next year.  Although the plan still is to go back to school, I don't think I'll be going quite so soon as I expected or hoped.  I can give you my list of excuses (and believe me, I've got a bunch of them), but the honest truth is that it breaks down pretty simply:

1. I'm afraid my application isn't competitive enough and I won't get in anywhere.  I know this is going to sound strange, but I don't have any background in what I want to study.  My undergrad major was something completely unique to my school and, while the classes I took dealt with what I'd like to go into (cultural anthropology), they weren't part of that department.  I feel like I need to take actual anthro classes or get an internship or contact a professor or do something to give myself a shot.  I just don't know what.  Any suggestions would be well appreciated, I promise.
2. I'm also afraid it's too soon and I want just a little more time.  Grad school would almost definitely mean a move, and with Nate's job and his family being here in the Bay Area I know deep down he doesn't really want to leave.  I think I'm okay with moving on my own, but because I don't know what that would mean for us, I think about next fall and it just seems like it's right around the corner waiting to jump out at me and break my heart.  So the thought of grad school and all that it entails on a personal level has become a sort of double-edged sword: on one hand the independence and newness of it all seems so thrilling, but on the other it seems like a potential landmine.  I just need more time to think it through.

And so Plan B changes a little again.

Hardly Strictly a typical weekend

(A typical fraction of the crowd at the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival.  Photo found here.)

I've been trying to do different things lately to break up the sort of...habitualness of my life.  I think this feeling I've been going through lately of being stuck in places I'm not really satisfied with has stemmed from the fact that my life has fallen into a rut of sorts.  In the past, I've thought about ways to get out of the rut but I've never actually attempted to, instead just waiting it out until I began feeling content again.  

Not this time.  

I'm tired of complaining about things and not making any moves to change them (who wants to be that kind of person, anyway?).  That isn't who I am or who I'm used to being and it's a habit I really need to break.  So after a heated discussion with Nate (helpful and obvious hint: do not attempt to bombard your significant other with your own stress when he/she is stressed out beyond belief all on their own.  A fight will most likely ensue and no one will win.) and a chat with the best friend (another helpful and obvious hint: best friends make everything better.  Everything.), I've started to slowly but surely climb my way out of my rut.  This effort has taken the form of hanging out with my friends more, making an attempt to be more independent when planning my weekends, and doing things that are sort of out of the ordinary for me.

It's been interesting to find out that what's now out of the ordinary for my life was once pretty normal, and that I apparently used to know myself a lot better than I currently do.  It's kind of backwards, don't you think?  To be sure of yourself and happy and confident, then to grow unsure of yourself and less content and less confident as you get older?  Aren't we supposed to know our own minds more as the years go on and we mature?  Aren't we supposed to be become more settled and less restless?

Maybe all of these expectations and "supposed to's" are what's been getting me into trouble in the first place.

Anyhow, in trying to diversify what I do during my free time, I decided to head out to the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival this weekend in Golden Gate Park with Nate and a bunch of our friends.  Despite the 700,000 people that attended (no, that number is not a typo, there really were about seven hundred thousand people there) -- and you know me, I'm not the biggest fan of crowds and body odor -- I can't tell you how much fun it was to relax, listen to music (most of which I'd never heard before) and just feel like I was experiencing something new for a change.

I seem to constantly be in search of a new experience.

October, October

I know it's at the end of the month, but I can't help but start scheming planning already.  This year, for Halloween, this is what I have in mind for me and the boyfriend.

I'm Hobbes in this equation.

I'll keep you posted.