Plan B, is that you?

Let me start this post out by saying that I'm usually not so indecisive when it comes to The Big Things in my life.  I'd like to think that I do okay when it comes to making choices, though they may not always be the right ones.  In fact, I'd put good money on my family and friends thinking I'm often too stubborn when it comes to decisions; I make them, sometimes impulsively and often to serve my need for instant gratification, and then stick to them come hell or high water just because I refused to backtrack.  At one point, these same people would actually brace themselves when I said the words, "So I decided..."

And I know that lately it's seemed that all I do is go back and forth between my decisions, or hesitate and cringe away from making the really important ones.  This is all part of the same vein though, since I think I now do this because I'm usually so stubborn after the decision has been made.  Maybe I'm just afraid of being wrong.

So it doesn't really surprise me in the least that I've somewhat rethought my plan to go to grad school next year.  Although the plan still is to go back to school, I don't think I'll be going quite so soon as I expected or hoped.  I can give you my list of excuses (and believe me, I've got a bunch of them), but the honest truth is that it breaks down pretty simply:

1. I'm afraid my application isn't competitive enough and I won't get in anywhere.  I know this is going to sound strange, but I don't have any background in what I want to study.  My undergrad major was something completely unique to my school and, while the classes I took dealt with what I'd like to go into (cultural anthropology), they weren't part of that department.  I feel like I need to take actual anthro classes or get an internship or contact a professor or do something to give myself a shot.  I just don't know what.  Any suggestions would be well appreciated, I promise.
2. I'm also afraid it's too soon and I want just a little more time.  Grad school would almost definitely mean a move, and with Nate's job and his family being here in the Bay Area I know deep down he doesn't really want to leave.  I think I'm okay with moving on my own, but because I don't know what that would mean for us, I think about next fall and it just seems like it's right around the corner waiting to jump out at me and break my heart.  So the thought of grad school and all that it entails on a personal level has become a sort of double-edged sword: on one hand the independence and newness of it all seems so thrilling, but on the other it seems like a potential landmine.  I just need more time to think it through.

And so Plan B changes a little again.