A Healthy Ambition: Benchmarks and Goals

It's been a slow couple of days for me (the fact that I was home - in the land of heavy foods and little exercise - didn't help) and, in the hopes of keeping my motivation up, I began thinking about what the benchmarks are for my end goal of losing weight and becoming fit.  Much like my Debt Project, working-out has obviously taken on a very general purpose and I feel like in order to actually accomplish that goal, I need more tangible benchmarks to hit and some rewards to give myself along the way.

It's the rewards that were stumping me though.  With debt the rewards are easy, but with weight loss, what sort of rewards can you give yourself?  Eat more?  No one wants to do that in the middle of a work out frenzy.  Buy a bikini?  That prospect is so scary that I'm actually shuddering right now.  So I thought about it, and I thought about my debt rewards some more, and I came up with a few work-out goals/rewards after all.

Here they are (the goals that are crossed out have already been completed):

1. Join a gym
2. Establish initial work-out routine (working out 4-5 days a week)
3. Try out a class at the gym
4. Follow routine consistently for 2 months
5. Run 3 miles
6. Buy new work-out clothes - REWARD!
7. Re-evaluate and follow routine consistently for 2 more months
8. Run 6 miles
9. Buy new running shoes - REWARD!
10. Join a pilates class
11. Re-evaluate and follow routine consistently for 2 more months
12. Run a half marathon

Homeward Bound

I'm so excited to be heading off to Hawaii for the rest of the week to hang out with family, watch my big sister renew her vows, and hopefully relax a little!  It's always amazing to be back at home, and to have the entire family together this time around (a rare occurrence these days), even if just for a little bit, is icing on the cake!

Have a great rest of the week and a wonderful weekend, everyone!

I had the best time last night

You know those nights where things just line up and unfold perfectly?  Love those nights.

Last night (and even though I was incredibly, grossly sick...just so you understand the extent of my dedication) I went to the Something Corporate show here in San Francisco with Bianca (from Isn't She Pretty in Pink) and Kaimi (from amor fati).  Really, all I can say is that Something Corporate is still one of the best bands all these years later and I still have some of the best times at their shows.  I'm so glad that this year seems to be the year of reunions for the bands of our generation.

 

(I didn't take these vids and they don't belong to me, mainly because I was on the ground floor dancing my butt off the whole time.)

Blogging Through My Debt: Benchmarks and Goals

It occurred to me recently that, while I've said a bunch of times that "I want to be out of credit card debt," I've never really sat down and outlined the specific financial goals I have for myself.  Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever actually thought it through.  This journey has been a very general one for me; all I've been concentrating on is each months payment and the end result of being debt free, but I don't know that I've thought about the benchmarks along the way or what I hope to do once I am debt free.

This is that post, and here are my goals (the ones that are crossed out have been completed):

1. Establish a $1,000 emergency fund
2. Pay off my Victoria's Secret credit card
3. Pay off my Visa Platinum credit card
4. Buy an iPod - REWARD!
5. Pay off my Visa Miles credit card
6. Buy an iPhone - REWARD!
7. Establish a $1,000 miscellaneous savings fund
8. Increase emergency fund to cover 3 months of expenses
9. Begin setting money aside each month for retirement and/or buying a home
10. Increase miscellaneous savings fund to $5,000
11. Buy a Mac laptop or a used car (depending on my lifestyle at the time) - REWARD!
12. Begin paying down student loans

A note on the rewards: I'm a big believer in finding the right motivation for yourself.  Deprivation, whether it be in finances or dieting, rarely works with me so I've had to find things that do.  My iPod finally died on me last week (it was a long time coming), and I've been going back and forth between holding out and using Nate's iPod until I can afford a new one or just giving in and heading to the Apple store with my credit card.  Then I wrote this post and decided that a new iPod would be a reward for myself when I finish paying off my current credit card.  Up until this point, this card has been like a bad habit: it's been impossible to get rid of.  But now, knowing that I'll be able to start saving for my reward right after I've paid it off, my motivation has increased tenfold.  Same goes for the iPhone.  (Though, how do you all feel about using the iPhone as your iPod?  Good idea, bad idea?  This will affect my reward benchmarks.)

Also, you'll notice that I didn't add a time frame on these benchmarks because, with quitting my job and going back to school being in my plan sometime during the next year or two, my income level will definitely be changing.  I obviously hope that I'll be able to find a job during school, but I can't be sure at this time, nor would it most likely be a full time job anyway.  Overall though, I think this is a plan for the next 3-5 years, not considering things like [perhaps] saving for a wedding, etc.

The time variables have actually been something I've been struggling with lately.  It's hard to make a financial plan when you're not even sure of your plan in general.  For example, I think I know how long it'll take me to finish paying off my Visa Miles card, but that's only if I can consistently make the payments I've set out to make, and if I'm back in school next Fall (versus the following Fall), that plan completely changes.

I think the lesson learned so far has been to be flexible.  Not to be lenient, but to understand that circumstances change.  You just have to remain diligent about bringing your debt down, even if you have to rethink how and in what time you go about doing so.

A Change of Scenery

If you're reading this post then I'm sure you've noticed that What's Past is Prologue has changed residence and gotten a little face lift recently.  Please remember to update your Blog Rolls/Feeds/Following status, etc. with my new url!

The new home and new look (plus the little tweak on the name) were some things I really started thinking about doing all the way back in January (a sort of fresh start, I guess), and it's really just taken me this long to go through with it.  I think a big part of it was just that I needed both the motivation and the time to actually sit down and teach myself some basic HTML.  Well, last months Creativity Challenge helped with the motivation (this was the small side project I had mentioned but never went into detail about), and the fact that N.'s been gone for the past week has definitely helped with the time.  I've been on HTML overload, and I'm overall fairly glad that I chose not to pay to have a custom blog design done (though nothing's wrong with that because those things look amazing).  I just couldn't reasonably afford it, and it turns out I could do a pretty decent job all by myself!

Who knew?  Though I will be honest and say that Photoshop is still a beast that largely escapes me. 

Anyway, things are still awaiting some minor tweaking around here, and my old blog website will remain active for about 2 weeks before I take it down, but I'm really excited about this new look and, above all, the static page feature that Blogger has finally incorporated into its layout!  Please look around and check it all out, but don't pay any attention to any of the little bugs you may find here and there -- I'll be cleaning things up as I go!

Blogging confession number 5,365

I'm a lurker.  Not a creepy, real life, I'm-wanna-break-into-your-house kind of lurker, but a blog lurker.  I have tons of blogs I love to read, from design blogs to fashion blogs to the everyday journal type of blogs, but I only comment on a handful of them.  I don't have a reason for this other than the ridiculous notion that I feel sort of intrusive popping up in some strangers comments like, "Hey, you don't know me but I've been reading your blog for months now.  Just wanted to say hi!"  Although that's usually how it goes.  And there isn't a single blogger I know who would actually mind.

For the few blogs I do comment on, I'm fairly consistent and loyal about it.  These are relationships like any other, after all, and you should put some effort into them.  Aside from that, I generally just want to comment, either because I have something to say or because I now consider these bloggers friends and comments are the way we usually keep in touch (and you can always add me on Twitter!).

But this lurking thing is something I want to change (and at this point I'm thinking of renaming 2010, "The Year of Change").  Not that there's anything wrong with it, but I think I just feel like my blogging has moved passed the point where it's simply a journal I let others read.  This isn't completely about expanding my own readership, which is something I wrote about a few months ago, and I don't necessarily want to change the way I write or what I'm writing about in order to suit any would-be readers (because not only would that defeat the entire purpose of my blog, but I'm actually not sure it would make a difference).  But I think I'd like to put myself out there more.  Expanding the blogs I read and the bloggers I get to know seems to be as good a way as any to do that.

So if you have a blog and would like to expand your readership, please leave me a link!

All of this also makes me wonder if there are people lurking on my blog.  Are there?  Are you a lurker just like me?  If so, feel free to continue lurking to your hearts content, but I also just want to invite you to say hi now and then.  Like most people who blog, I love reading comments and I really like meeting new people, yourself included!

A Healthy Ambition: The Work-Out Mix

I can't work out without music.  It may actually be some weird sort of cosmic impossibility.  And what I listen to doesn't have to fall into a certain category of songs, but I don't like when they're super predictable either (i.e. "Eye of the Tiger" is getting nowhere near my playlist for many, many reasons).  The music just has to be loud and high-octane, and I have to be able to think over it or about it.  Like daydreaming on car rides, I apparently tend to do my best thinking on the elliptical or treadmill when I can just stare off into space without having to worry about crashing into anything or anyone.

I've spent many hours at the gym recently listening to Lady Gaga, The Maine, Eminem and The Cab.

So while this playlist is under constant revision and construction, I thought I'd share it's current incarnation with you.  I'd love to hear what makes up your current work out mix -- maybe I'll borrow some songs and add them to mine!

Less Emo, More Vagabond

I don't know a single person more confusing than myself.  Probably because I know myself the best, even though it often feels like I understand myself the least.  There's so much about me that seems like blaring contradictions, and so much that I would change if I could (but that I'm okay with being like at the moment).

I'm sorry, I know this is all very vague.

It started from a conversation I had with N. earlier tonight about emotion and my relationship with that facet of my character.  Growing up, I always thought I was incredibly attuned to peoples emotions and troubles; I was often the sympathetic ear they'd turn to, the counselor who would have that one piece of advice that made the puzzle piece fit, you know?  But at the same time, I was aware that when things got real, I got emotionally stunted.  This was never more clear to me than when my grandfather went into the hospital for the first time.  My sisters, my mother and I were all sitting in our living room crying, of course, when my mom reached over to comfort me and I instinctively shifted away from her.  I didn't want to be touched, I didn't want to be comforted (and I knew I was definitely not in the position to comfort anyone else).  I just wanted to be left alone with my fear and worry, left alone to sort through my emotions and come to grips with them before I could be with people again.

While some things have changed (i.e. I no longer think I'm the sympathetic ear or the go-to counselor), that need to be alone with myself when my emotions get the better of me remains the same.  It takes a lot for me to open up in any serious way.  Sure I'll reveal things about myself and let really personal information roll off my tongue like it's no big deal, but that's because for some reason -- to me -- whatever I've said really is no big deal.  But I tend to do all of my crying jags in the shower, with the music blaring so no one can hear.  And as N. said to me tonight, I sometimes take on a very traditional/typical male response to certain things in our relationship.  In fact, N.'s often the first one to say things like, "You know, when you say things like that it sort of hurts my feelings."  And I cringe at the words because all I want to do is roll my eyes toward the sky and say, "Ohmygod, are you serious?"  It's not because I don't understand that something I've done may have upset or hurt him.  It's because the way I tend to react to these sorts of things is by holding it in close to me, dealing with it, and then never mentioning it again.  I guess I see no need to talk things to death (which may seem odd, considering I have a blog in which I talk everything to death), or to reveal that much of myself that often.

This discussion between N. and I continued into a larger conversation about our differences and, specifically, if and how those differences will affect our future.  It's been weighing on my mind lately because I've been struggling with (and trying to ignore, perhaps) this side of my nature more and more often recently, but I finally got up the nerve to ask him some really big questions.  "Do you ever just want things to change?  Not necessarily because things can be better than the way they are, but just...because.  Don't you ever ask yourself what could become of your future if you just changed directions?  What if you lived in another city, had another job, didn't have a girlfriend?  Don't you ever wonder?  Don't you ever want more?"

And he said that he really didn't.  That he was satisfied with his life the way it was.  That the "more" I'm talking about didn't necessarily mean "better," so why jeopardize the life he has now?

But he also said that it's something he worries about because he sees those questions in me all the time.  This, again, is one of those confusing characteristics about myself that I'm finally acknowledging.  Growing up, I resisted change in every shape and form, mostly because the changes that I saw happening in my life were never of my choosing and I just couldn't bring myself to see past the immediate consequences to the eventual outcome.  Change was the enemy to a girl whose only hope and dream was to be stable.  Then something happened and I learned to cope with the change.  And as soon as I was old enough to start affecting the changes in my own life, I did so at every turn.  Now, instead of the girl who craves stability, you have a girl who's satisfied for a while, and then feels the need to uproot and replant herself somewhere else.

How does this play out in a relationship where one party is happy to stay rooted?  How do you reconcile these two conflicting needs?  What does it mean when even the girl is scared that she'll never be satisfied and will always need to replant?  Does it mean she just hasn't found her place yet?  Or does it mean something else entirely?

Blogging Through My Debt: The Struggle

I'm having a bad day week month when it comes to money and my budget.  There just doesn't seem to be enough of the money to work with both the budget and the want.  I knew from the start of this journey that I would reach this point, and I'd wondered how I'd deal with the struggle.  Would I persevere through it, not spending a dime outside of the parameters I set for myself?  Would I fold and say, "How 'bout we just forget this whole crazy business of getting out of debt and go shopping instead!"?  Or would I fall somewhere in the middle?

Well, I'm in the middle.

Here's how it's going one week into August:

1. I didn't write up an August budget -- my first mistake -- and have been relying on my [often not so stellar] self-control to keep myself from overdrawing my bank account or just overspending in general.  
2. There were some big purchases I needed to make (i.e. plane tickets to my sisters wedding)
3. There were some other purchases I just somehow justified (i.e. a monitor for the desktop computer I was given, clothes, lunch and coffee at work everyday this week), after which I immediately felt buyers remorse and am now freaking out over.  Though obviously not enough to return any of the returnable purchases.  
4. And while the bank account is safe from the threat of over-drawing, I've definitely overspent what my would-be budget would have allowed and subsequently will not be able to put as much toward my credit card this month as I had hoped.

It's no secret to me why I've got the sudden urge to spend, spend, spend after existing so happily on a budget for these past months.  I'm stressed about work, about taking the GRE's, about grad school looming around the corner, about paying my bills and never having anything left over to buy something pretty with, about my relationship.  You name it, I've probably managed to stress out about it recently and, as we all know by now, shopping therapy is my favorite kind.  It's a habit that's been especially hard to break.

But the good news is that I won't let this last.  I'm discouraged, yes, but I'm not done.  I think I've just realized that I've worked too hard to give up now.  And I'm definitely looking forward to being debt-free too much to stop working towards it.   So tomorrow night is set aside for completing my August budget, however difficult it may be after my minor shopping spree a little earlier.  I think that's the first step to getting back on track.

This whole ordeal has left me with a question though:  For those of you who are also working on getting out of debt, on those days when things were particularly discouraging, how have you managed to avoid giving in and/or giving up?

A Healthy Ambition (with superficial results)

Something's come over me lately.  I can't say whether the root is a positive one, but the result definitely is.  Because I've been feeling energized lately, and motivated and restless and determined, and that's all given me a drive to tackle my weight issues in a way that I don't think I ever have before.

Let me start this way: I have a confession.  I've been unhappy with my body for as long as I can remember.  I've never, not once, honestly thought I looked good.  That whole "feel good naked" thing going around?  I don't have the faintest idea what that's like.  Since I was probably about five I've been hyper conscious of the fact that I'm overweight.  Sure, when you're a kid it's called "chubby," but it amounts to the same thing once you hit 13.  There have been times when I've been called fat to my face (probably because I called that person an equally hideous name, so I guess I had it coming), and times when I've been told quite clinically that I could stand to lose a few pounds.  Whether said in the heat of battle or with gentle concern, the words are never easy to swallow.

As a result, I've developed a relationship with my body that ill-prepared parents would develop with a child who likes to throw tantrums.  I've given in to my body's demands at times and brutally punished it at others.  I've starved, gorged, passed out from too much exercise and not enough energy, then thrown in the towel and let it go.  I've come up with a reward and deterrent system, I've tried to unsuccessfully convince myself that being healthy is more important than being skinny, and I'm fairly certain I've tried every fad diet and every semi-legit weight loss program you can think of.

I've failed at them all.

So I'm more than a little excited to be where I am right now.  As I said, something's come over me lately.  It began when I stepped on my bathroom scale a couple of weeks ago and nearly died.  I'd hit a weight I never imagined seeing under my feet.  In all honestly, I don't look like I'm that weight; I don't know how I get away with it, but the pounds distribute themselves fairly evenly across my frame.  I'm not saying I'm thin (obviously), because I definitely look like I've gained weight over the last year, but I don't look obese.  At least, I don't think I do.  (YouwouldtellmeifIdid,wouldn'tyou?)

Anyway, after stepping on that scale and seeing those magic numbers, I couldn't take it anymore.  I knew I needed to do something.  Like my finances and debt, my weight was something I needed to take control of or I would regret it for the rest of my life (very much like I'd been regretting it up until this point).  But the really surprising thing came next: rather than setting about on my more destructive tendencies -- like torture -- my mind automatically went on a very different path.

I became insanely motivated to exercise.  All of a sudden, the things I wanted to do included going to the gym, trying out that yoga class, doing pilates, running a mile (to start...I'm just beginning!), walking the mile home from work everyday, eating less and eating healthier, kicking my soda habit and drinking tons of water.  And so I've been doing them.  And I've been loving it.  It hasn't been easy, and it hasn't been all sunshine, roses and fun, but I have plans now that include a healthier lifestyle, things I want to do when I master that next step.  When I miss a day at the gym or a pilates work out, rather than begrudgingly saying that I'll just pick it back up tomorrow (and then not), I check out my calendar anxiously and make the time to fit it in. 

I'm not saying this is all about me being fit.  I'd like to pretend it is, but I'm a 26 year old woman with a healthy appreciation for consumerism and all that glitters.  I know that what I see in magazines, on tv, and in the movies is mostly airbrushed, but it doesn't stop the fact that I still envy it.  And while I may never achieve that level of tiny (those women are, after all, robots, right?), I'm still planning on looking damn good in my "thin jeans".

And I'm looking forward to the work it'll take for that to happen.