if i were really brave...

...i'd quit my job and find something to do that i loved.  or at least something that i didn't dread quite so much.  because it's come to that: i dread going to work each day.  i dread the next mundane, uncreative, inefficient thing i'll have to do.  and i dread the way work makes me feel about myself and my life and the way i'm living it.

i told N. today that i'd rather still be in law school.  so, yeah, you can imagine where i'm at right now.

and it's not that i don't want to work, or that i don't like what my organization works for and towards.  it really just comes down to being dissatisfied with having such a non-programmatic position (even though my role as EA has been expanded to encompass even more responsibility, it is still very much an administrative position, which means everything i do is an errand for someone else and to their specifications).  and it's also that i've been finding it difficult to work with the managerial style and overall working style of my boss.

without getting into the nitty-gritty of it all, things just seem to be...falling through the cracks lately, and it's hard to know that no matter how hard you work or how much overtime you put in, or how sick you make yourself with stress, the outcome won't reflect that effort.  because certain things really are just out of your hands.

but there are obviously reasons why i haven't quit yet, number one being pride, oddly enough.  i'm only five months in and i don't want to be a quitter.  i finish things i start, law school being a shining example of that stubborn streak of mine, and i said i'd be here until i went back to school.  so here i am.  i also don't want to let anyone down, and i know that by quitting i'd leave my organization in a lurch.  they've invested time and energy into teaching me about the field, and they've come to rely on me for certain things.  i don't want it to seem like they've wasted their time, and i don't want to disappoint them or seem ungrateful.  i also need the money, which is probably right up there next to my pride (why do pride and money seem to stand in the way of so much in our world nowadays?).  i'm working really hard to bring my credit card debt down before hopefully going back to school, and that only works if i have the income to throw at that debt each month.

i don't know what to do.  after law school ended, and i had my mini quarter-life crisis, i told myself that i would start doing things that i loved, and i'd stop wasting my time doing things because i thought i should or because i was too afraid not to do them.  i worry that i'm falling into my same old patterns, doing the same old things and feeling the same old way.  there were other things i wanted to do, weren't there?  things i'd realized after those difficult months of soul searching?  didn't i want to travel?  didn't i want to write?  didn't i want to do these amazingly adventurous things?  and i'm an executive assistant now?  really???

so what do i do?  do i call the contact L. gave me late last year when i was still job hunting to see where that may lead me, even though it could just lead me to yet another administrative position?  do i give it a shot because anything is bound to be better than this right now?  do i start browsing through craigslist and idealist.org once again?

or do i keep my head down, do my work as best as i can regardless of how i feel at the end of the day, and stick it out?

what would you do?

party like it's 1999

a few weeks ago, N. and i threw a decades party to celebrate our birthdays, having some friends in town, and life in general.  here are a few of the highlights:

there just doesn't seem to be anything quite like friends!

if only...

i've been feeling a little disenchanted lately with a lot of things in my life, but mainly with my job and the quality of my free time.  without making this a post about the frustrations of work (because, don't worry, that post will come soon), suffice it to say that i wake up in the mornings dreading going, and i come home relieved to be back.  sunday nights are the worst nights of the week, and fridays can never get here soon enough.  i think i feel like i'm once again spending my time doing something i don't want to do, and as hard as i try, i just can't find a reasonable solution (the obvious one, to me, is not reasonable either in this economy, or in my current situation).  so i feel a little stuck.

because the work week has been so hard to plow through lately, i've been trying to fill my free time with fun activities that won't break my budget and is something N. and i can do together.  let's have a party at our place on saturday, lets redecorate our bathroom, we should go thrift store hunting, lets spend a night vegging out and have a movie marathon, lets take finn on a hike, my list literally goes on for days.  unfortunately, the excitement of these activities is short-lived, and i always end the weekend feeling more exhausted than when it began.  coupled with that is the fact that N. and i haven't spent time together - quality, relaxing, just the two of us, time - in a while, and our schedules on most day don't exactly mesh.  so i feel a little stuck, again.

with all of this, and just with the general feeling of being in a lull that i can't break out of, i've been wanting to plan a nice weekend getaway for the two of us.  now, i love the city.  i do, really.  but i desperately, desperately need to get out of it.  nothing about the city rejuvenates me.  in fact, for the most part, being in cities tends to stress me out more.  i always feel like i need or want to be on the go all the time, and i'm constantly overstimulated.  no, cities don't relax me.  i want views and open spaces, green earth, blue sky, quiet instead of traffic, mountains, ocean, fresh air, and time to just turn my mind off.  but, even with all of northern california's beauty, i can't figure out where to find this.  the reason for this is largely cost and time prohibitions.

i want to get far enough away, but i don't want to have to take a flight.

i don't want to camp, but i want the accommodations to be affordable.

i don't want to go somewhere i've already been, but i've been to most places within driving distance of home.

i realize i'm being a little ridiculous and more than a little picky, but it's at times like these when i find myself playing the "if only" game.  if only i had more money, we could do more things.  if only i were still in school, i'd have large enough breaks where i could plan longer trips more frequently.  (yes, i realize the first and second "if only's" seem sort of mutually exclusive)  if only we still lived in seattle, i could think of places to take a weekend getaway.  if only, if only, if only.

it's enough to drive yourself crazy.

what do you do when you get mentally stuck in these situations?  do you take trips, spend some time alone?  how do you get yourself out of the "same old, rut"?  any suggestions for a quick weekend trip around the bay area?

i haven't done preachy in a while

**please note that my arguments below on gentrification are neither complete, or intended to be (i'm not writing the counter arguments made, or taking the thousands of available variables into consideration, etc.).  that argument would take up many volumes of many books i am neither willing nor qualified to write at this time.  i'm just relaying a conversation and some of the jumbled thoughts in my head.  no hate mail, please.**

wow, i've never actually felt the need to write a disclaimer before.  surreal.  

anyhow.  i don't pride myself on a lot of things.  writing, maybe.  my stubbornness, definitely.  but my arguing abilities have been something i've worked on over the past three years and, for the most part, i've always felt that they were one of my more developed skills.  i've learned to argue logic, not emotion.  i've learned to keep calm and to always, above all else, think of the counter arguments first and last.  this, after all, is what a good lawyer does.

so arguing, when i know my subject matter, is never something i thought i had to worry about.

and then i had a debate with friends about gentrification.

for those who are unaware, the merriam-webster dictionary defines gentrification as "the process of renewal and rebuilding accompanying the influx of middle-class or affluent people into deteriorating areas that often displaces poorer residents."  this displacement occurs because 1) these renovated buildings in traditionally low-income neighborhoods are sold or rented at prices too high for the existing community to afford, and 2) the presence of these newer, pricier spaces, as well as the influx of the middle- to upper-class population that comes with it, increases the overall property tax of the area, making it difficult (or, in many cases, impossible) for the existing community to remain in that neighborhood.

coupled with this already tragic reality is the fact that, in this country, economic lines still break and racial lines, so the traditionally low-income families, homeowners and community members who are displaced by gentrification are typically people of color.

now, what came out of this conversation as a whole is that there's no easy answer to this issue.  from the perspective of a commercial or residential property developer, this sort of work is really your bread and butter.  it is definitely most profitable to purchase property at an extremely low cost, flip it, and sell/rent it at a much higher price.  and as the purchaser of one of those flipped properties, gentrification of the surrounding area is often times good news because this displacement process nearly ensures that this previously low-income and probably unsafe area will see huge growth in the years to come.  the benefits to businesses, consumers, etc. go on because, yes, gentrification does tend to make a neighborhood "safer," and therefore increase the number of business owners willing to move into an area which, along with a new type of resident, will in turn increase the amount of security present in that neighborhood.

but the point of it all is that the area is not made safer for those already living there.  after all, the families who have lived in the area for generations were forced to move when their property taxes were raised.  gentrification essentially chases away the poor (aka, "the dangerous," "the problem," and the people of color) to make room for the affluent.  what was once a community made up primarily of people of color has not only changed economically, but racially as well.  and those people are forced to move elsewhere to areas where - you've guessed it - are poorer and more affordable still.

now, in my day to day life, i rarely have to explain this concept, or argue on behalf of the displaced.  ever since i fell into my undergraduate major, most of the people i've been surrounded with have either been a part of my major (meaning they've critically studied privilege, race and identity as part of their academic careers), have been ethnic studies scholars, or have been other people of color themselves.  furthermore, living where i live right now, gentrification and its implications are ever-present and disheartening.

but i found myself having to explain/defend my point in this debate with friends.  and i also quickly found myself losing control of all previous argument skills i thought i had.  i could no longer separate logic from emotion.  i could not longer not take things personally.  i heard too much behind the words of friends, too many biases, too much of what i considered - at the time - to be unintended racism or disappointing ignorance of privilege and a lack of compassion.  and that's just not me, and it's definitely not them either.

so while the conversation wasn't easy, i'm glad i was a part of it.  because i learned more about myself than i had known before it.  i learned the value of taking a deep breath, and maintaining my composure when i otherwise wouldn't.  i learned that while i could firmly believe i was on the side of the morally and ethically right, it didn't give me free reign to read more into the words of others than what they really meant.  i learned to listen, and to speak so that i'm heard.

and that's sort an invaluable lesson in and of itself.

****************************************************************
if you're interested in an example of a development project which manages to be profitable (though perhaps not as profitable) and socially conscious at the same time, a model which will hopefully catch on around the country, check out the asian community development corporation's project in boston, ma.

communities are not just groupings of buildings.  they're homes and lives and people.  it just can't be right to push people out of their neighborhoods for the sake of a profit, and i feel like that would be apparent if we all just put ourselves in one another's shoes every once in a while.

project reconnect

it's no secret that, after graduating from law school, i decided not to become a lawyer and have since begun figuring out a life more satisfying on a road i didn't anticipate traveling.  it's also no secret that i've been trying to get my finances in order lately so that i can dig myself out of this debt pit that i've so successfully put myself in over the last few years.  these moves have all been part of a sort of personal project reconnect, in which i try to make myself a better, more well rounded me.

today i took the next step toward this goal and began exercising for the first time in too many months to count.  it wasn't easy either; i really did have to force myself not to call M. and cancel the gym outing she somehow (and i'm still not clear on how or when this happened) got me to agree to take part in.  you see, i hate exercise.  i always have.  i can pinpoint the start of these feelings to either my childhood, when i was the chubby kid who couldn't run very far, very fast, or for very long, or to my high school PE program, which has a reputation of being one of the most rigorous PE programs in the country.  so it really should come as no surprise that it's been a challenge for me to stay committed to an exercise program for more than a week or two. 

but i've got a feeling about it this time.

with all of these changes i've been making in my life lately (spending less, saving more, kicking my diet coke habit addiction, taking vitamins, eating steady meals), i really do feel that i can stick to an exercise regime this time.  and luckily enough, i have a great boyfriend who has been over the moon supportive of me (from cooking healthier meals, to being encouraging without being an ass), and i have M. -- my own free, personal trainer and close friend rolled into one.

today was my first day back in the gym, and my first day there with M.  and it was wonderful.  i'm even looking forward to going back tomorrow!  now that's a big step!  to commemorate the occasion, i took a picture of myself today (which serendipitously is the first day of the month, and quells my OCD tendencies that say i must start things at the beginning of weeks/months/years), and will continue to take pictures of myself on the first day of each month so that i can document any successes (i won't even consider the option that i'll fail) i make.  hopefully, someday down the road, i'll be able to share those pictures with you all and celebrate another goal reached!

my life has been seeing so many changes recently, and that's a scary thing for someone like me, who usually only embraces the changes i want and intentionally create in my own life.  but i'm learning to roll with the punches, and i'm taking this time in my life, when things could have completely gone off track into a haze of nothingness and confusion, and turning it into opportunities.  project reconnect is in full swing!