...i'd quit my job and find something to do that i loved. or at least something that i didn't dread quite so much. because it's come to that: i dread going to work each day. i dread the next mundane, uncreative, inefficient thing i'll have to do. and i dread the way work makes me feel about myself and my life and the way i'm living it.
i told N. today that i'd rather still be in law school. so, yeah, you can imagine where i'm at right now.
and it's not that i don't want to work, or that i don't like what my organization works for and towards. it really just comes down to being dissatisfied with having such a non-programmatic position (even though my role as EA has been expanded to encompass even more responsibility, it is still very much an administrative position, which means everything i do is an errand for someone else and to their specifications). and it's also that i've been finding it difficult to work with the managerial style and overall working style of my boss.
without getting into the nitty-gritty of it all, things just seem to be...falling through the cracks lately, and it's hard to know that no matter how hard you work or how much overtime you put in, or how sick you make yourself with stress, the outcome won't reflect that effort. because certain things really are just out of your hands.
but there are obviously reasons why i haven't quit yet, number one being pride, oddly enough. i'm only five months in and i don't want to be a quitter. i finish things i start, law school being a shining example of that stubborn streak of mine, and i said i'd be here until i went back to school. so here i am. i also don't want to let anyone down, and i know that by quitting i'd leave my organization in a lurch. they've invested time and energy into teaching me about the field, and they've come to rely on me for certain things. i don't want it to seem like they've wasted their time, and i don't want to disappoint them or seem ungrateful. i also need the money, which is probably right up there next to my pride (why do pride and money seem to stand in the way of so much in our world nowadays?). i'm working really hard to bring my credit card debt down before hopefully going back to school, and that only works if i have the income to throw at that debt each month.
i don't know what to do. after law school ended, and i had my mini quarter-life crisis, i told myself that i would start doing things that i loved, and i'd stop wasting my time doing things because i thought i should or because i was too afraid not to do them. i worry that i'm falling into my same old patterns, doing the same old things and feeling the same old way. there were other things i wanted to do, weren't there? things i'd realized after those difficult months of soul searching? didn't i want to travel? didn't i want to write? didn't i want to do these amazingly adventurous things? and i'm an executive assistant now? really???
so what do i do? do i call the contact L. gave me late last year when i was still job hunting to see where that may lead me, even though it could just lead me to yet another administrative position? do i give it a shot because anything is bound to be better than this right now? do i start browsing through craigslist and idealist.org once again?
or do i keep my head down, do my work as best as i can regardless of how i feel at the end of the day, and stick it out?
what would you do?
April 14, 2010
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3 comments:
I can't offer any advice, but I can empathize. Bleh. I just have to hope that things will work out for the best, even if you don't know how they will.
sigh...that's so frustrating. I think the only person who can tell you what to do in this situation is you, but I'll tell you a similar story:
The year I took off between undergrad and law school, I got a job working for a big law firm. I was told that I would get to learn a lot, have exciting opportunities, and be really well prepared for law school. I was stoked...until 2 weeks in. I would call my mom every night complaining, felt miserable, and knew that the job was a waste of my abilities. I tried to stick it out, but eventually quit 3 months in. Did I feel bad? Yes. And at first I felt like a failure. But the truth was that I tried something and it didn't work out, and that's not failure.
At the end of the day, the only person you can look at to look out for you is you.
Well, I was in somewhat a similar situation. But I would just recommend, if you do decide to move on to something else, not to burn any bridges, and to keep in contact with your company now. I left one company for another, decided it wasn't me, but luckily I still kept in touch with my old boss, and he gave me a new job, and a raise. Some things turn out not quite the way we planned ... but not so bad when you get there. Good luck.
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