My Hard Copy Blog

I heard something sad but not altogether shocking the other week: kids in certain schools aren't going to be learning penmanship anymore.  That's right folks, no cursive, no signature, no 10-points-off-when-you-confuse-cursive-J-with-cursive-F anymore.  It all ends here.

And yes, yes, sure, sure, who actually writes in the cursive they learned in the first grade right?  My own handwriting is this weird sort of mix of print and cursive, still very legible but lacking in all character.  But still.  I just can't wrap my head around the fact that we've become so completely reliant on computers that learning the beautiful, artistic, timeless skill of penmanship is deemed...expendable?  Really?  Really?!

At this point our fate is clear: We are on the knife edge and headed into a universe where the Nook and iPad rule the world, and no one knows how to write their own names to save their lives.

All of this made me think of my journal and how utterly lost I would be right now without it.  I journaled a lot in high school and those notebooks are in my bedroom on a shelf where I can pull them down and be transported back to 17 in seconds.  Once college rolled around my journaling (and introspection, really) stopped almost altogether and didn't pick up again until I began this blog.  Then P&P became my journal, but there are still things that never made it onto the web and had nowhere else to go.  So at nearly the start of January, I began another journal, a hard copy journal, and it is slowly changing everything.

It's not just that I'm getting to know myself again, or even just that the personal things I'm exploring in my journal are reacquainting my mind with parts of my heart it often forgets to think about.  It's the act of sitting down and writing.  It feels so much more personal and lets you spend so much more time sitting quietly somewhere (without your email to distract you) and spending time with yourself. Oh, and all those little notes and words crossed out and arrows pointing from one paragraph to another, and smiley faces or exclamations to emphasize entire pages?  Those are the real gems, the things you can't really put down in a Word doc, the stuff that, when you look back on it later, you'll be like "Ohmygod, I'm a lunatic!"

Priceless, really.

So to the schools who are thinking of getting rid of penmanship instruction (which, let's face it, is just the tip of the iceberg), please don't.  I know you're so incredibly underfunded and this seems like such a waste of time, but it really isn't.  It's a skill, a talent, and completely, completely worth it.

When Good Things Happen to Amazing People

When I'm having a particularly bad day -- like today -- I've started trying to make a habit of celebrating the good things that are happening around me, regardless of how crappy I feel.  This may seem a little schizophrenic, but generally what I'm celebrating are things that have been happening not to me, but to the world I live in or to those I care about.  I think somewhere along the way, my world view has become a little too narrow for comfort.  Whether this is a result of living in a self-indulgent society, going through a quarterlife crisis, or just being a selfish person is anyone's guess -- although I really hope it's not the latter.  In any case, I feel like I don't often show enough that I care about those around me or how much their lives affect me in good ways, and I have a sneaking suspicion that if I took the spotlight off of myself for more than just a second on a daily basis, I'd find plenty of things to celebrate.

So in a shocking departure from the norm, I wanted to share a couple of things that have made me want to throw impromptu dance parties at various, and mostly inappropriate, places and times lately:

• One of my best friends got engaged a few months ago and just recently asked me to be a bridesmaid!  Since then our chats have been full of pewter and midnight blue, v-neck or strapless, tea-length or floor, heels, wedges, flowers, venues, deposits and guest lists.  I've known her since we were 12, we went through high school together, lived with one another through college, and I still have a hard time believing that she'll be a wife soon.  She is the raspberry cocktail to my diet coke, the friend I swear I've known in a past life, the girl who fills my memory when I think of some of the funniest moments in my life.  I smile when I imagine her wedding day, how happy she'll be, how much fun she'll have, and knowing that I get to play a part in her day is just gravy.  So I'm celebrating you, Ku'u!

• Another of my best friends swears that when her personal life takes a hit, her professional life soars through the roof.  And though I say she's better off without The Douche anyway, I have to admit that she's got a point because she is kicking so much ass at her job right now!  Currently, she's working at an indie record label and rubbing elbows with people I listen to on my iPod (yeah, I'd hate her if I didn't love her), and things just keep getting better.  Now, her dream job has always been to be involved in A&R -- to work that closely with bands and to support both them and the label in reaching their goals while listening to music she absolutely loves.  And about a week ago, after sending out several emails to various bosses about maybe getting a shot at doing just that...her chance has come around!  She is officially the A&R person for an awesome band who may also just be the nicest guys on earth.  So congratulations, Ka'imi!  You are just as amazing as we always knew you'd be, and you're giving me reason to celebrate!  Dance party!

I hope you all find reasons to celebrate as well, even if they have little to do with you and a lot to do with those you love.  And if you find that, like me, your bad days are only made worse by the fact that nothing in your life seems right or fair or like "it's going the way it's supposed to," try taking a step outside of your head. You may be surprised at how you feel when you come on back.

Hanging Out With Myself

One of the things I don't think I've ever been particularly good at is hanging out by myself.  I grew up in a large household and then went on to boarding school where I spent the next six years living in dorms filled with other girls.  I had roommates throughout college and then immediately moved from my last college apartment to a place with Nate.  I've never actually had to spend any significant time alone, so I never really did.

The strange thing is that I'm not an abnormally social sort of person.  I'm probably not even a normally social sort of person.  I'm really more of a homebody; I enjoy spending nights in, eating and hanging out at home.  When I'm not staying at home, I like getting outside of cities and away from crowds (and to me, there's really no such thing as "too far" -- if I can still see buildings, we've got a ways yet to go).  But I enjoy doing all of these things with people, my people.  Nate, my family, my close circle of friends.  I've rarely done a single thing without someone in a long, long time.

I honestly don't really know what I'd do if given the chance, and that's sort of the problem, I guess.  Shouldn't I know?  Shouldn't I know what sort of activities I like to do on my own, and then be able to do them?

As part of the first week of Stratejoy's Joy Equation course, I'm going to have to spend a few hours alone doing something that's meaningful to me, and I'm having the hardest time figuring out what that something will be.  I can't really get out of the city because I'm still not very comfortable driving on freeways (don't worry, after recognizing how this has limited me, I've realized it's something that needs to change), and shopping is out of the question altogether.  My initial thoughts are to either spend my time writing or cooking, since both are things that I value in my life but that have fallen to the wayside over the last few years.  I'm also thinking of trying out a yoga class for the first time (the first time!).

Whatever it ends up being this time around, I'm hoping that hanging out with myself is something I can make a conscious effort to do more of more often.

A Place to Call Home

When I was a kid, I always imagined what my life would be like outside of Hawaii.  As far as I was concerned, I had been born onto a tiny rock in the middle of an ocean and there was a wide, wide world out there just waiting for me to set sail.  As a teenager, I counted the days until my chance came and, when college rolled around, I was gone.

I think it took me until I left Hawaii to realize just how much a part of me that place is.  So much of who I am (almost everything, really) is a direct result of those islands, those people, that history.  I'm fairly certain everyone can say that about their home as well.  

As the years passed though, and I continued to live elsewhere, my connection to Hawaii became a little more frayed.  Yes, I've gone home to visit on average at least twice a year, and yes I still go by my Hawaiian name no matter where I'm living.  But unless I concentrate on it, I don't generally speak with my childhood accent, and unless I've recently returned from a long day at the beach (and where are there any good beaches here anyway?) my skin is shades lighter than it "should" be.  In Hawaii these two things are the initial markers of a local so, without them, I'm often mistaken as a tourist.  It's actually been pretty jarring to be with my older sister or my dad and to be confused as the haole (i.e. non-local) cousin from the mainland.

I think it's caused a bit of an identity crisis for me if I'm perfectly honest.  Particularly compounded with all the cultural identity stuff you're taught as a Native Hawaiian kid going to a Native Hawaiian school and learning about not only your historical connection to the land, but your responsibility to it and its people as well.

And maybe that's why it was really difficult for me to make the decision to give up my Hawaii residency.  I think I was worried that it would sever this already really tenuous tie I have to that place and my life there, my family.  It would make what those people are saying true; I really would become the haole from the mainland.

In the end though, I guess I just realized that what I check on a box for tuition purposes means very little when it comes down to it.  The fact is that I don't live in Hawaii right now, and yes, as a result my skin is lighter and my accent is softer.  Does that make it any less my home?  Does that make me any less Native Hawaiian?  Not at all.  In fact, I think I've gained a little bit of a sense of independence and freedom from all of this that can only help me to become a fuller, more well-rounded person as a whole so that, when I finally do go back (and I will), I'll know myself that much more.

It's sort of like a kid taking the training wheels off their bike for the first time.  It's scary, but it's the only way you'll ever learn to balance.

6 Years Ago Today...

...I met the first and only boy I've ever loved.  And while he doesn't read this blog, I wanted to send big hugs and warm thoughts out into the universe for him on this very special day.

I love you!

Quarterlife Crisis, is that you? Still???

In around May of 2009, I entered what I later realized was the start of a very long quarterlife crisis.  I graduated from law school, figured out that I didn't want to become a lawyer, and lost sight of everything from there on out.   I started working in a job that had nothing to do with my major, let alone my law degree or even my interests.  I searched and searched for...I don't even know what.  Something that would click for me, you know?  Something that would make me feel the way I felt before entering the "real world," when I knew all the possibilities were still ahead of me and I was going to go out and, if not change the world than at least put my stamp on it.

I thought that I would get over myself by now.  I thought I would settle into my non-exciting life and feel...content.  I thought I would grow up, realize that those things I was hoping to find (like adventure, fulfillment, new experiences) were for 22 year olds still trying to decide whether they should take Art History 101 or Biochemistry 390.

Well, here I am in January 2011 and that still hasn't happened.  I'm still not exactly sure who I am or what I want or where I want or need to go.  I'm still not sure what kind of life I want to lead, where I want to lead it, or what I want to do while I'm living it.  It hasn't been easy these last few months, and I've found myself wondering what happened to me -- where did the girl I was, the girl I still hope I am at my core, go?

In the middle of all of this, I began stumbling upon blogs and websites by other women in their 20's who have been in or are going through similar situations, maybe not quarterlife crises, but feelings of being a little lost, a little unsure about their futures.  I can't tell you how wonderful and comforting it's been to find out that I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, and I'm not simply refusing to grow up.  One of these websites was Stratejoy (go check it out if any of this sounds even remotely familiar to you) which in hours began giving me inspiration and...hope.

And hope is pretty frickin' invaluable if you ask me.

One of the first things I read on the Stratejoy blog was a post about mind maps.  I'd never heard of a mind map before, but I immediately liked the sound of it.  Something in those words appealed to my organized nature, my desire to know myself a little better.  So, in the hopes of jump starting what I anticipate will be a lengthy journey toward rediscovering that girl I feel I lost touch with (read: myself), I decided to do a few things, the first of which was to create my very own mind map. 

So without further ado, here it is [as it stands today]:

A Note on Being a Carnivore

You know how I always cushion the more difficult of my goals with saying something along the lines of "...but I have no willpower, so whatever..."?  It comes up a lot -- in budgeting, exercising, looking like a professional at work rather than a dumpy college kid (but those few extra minutes of sleep are priceless I tell you!).  I don't know why I say I have no willpower because it's almost a complete lie.  In fact, if nothing else I'm more often accused of being stubborn to the point of dumb when my mind is made up on something.

So I guess I'm just lazy.  I'm a lazy, lazy girl.

This is never more clear to me than when I stop and think about my eating habits and, more specifically, my habit of eating meat.  Here is my dilemma: I am one of the biggest carnivores I know (I seriously love meat)...and I wish I were a vegetarian.  I don't really have any health-related problems with eating animals aside from the regular, run of the mill, we-should-all-eat-less-red-meat-because-our-bodies-have-a-hard-time-digesting-that-crap drama everyone's heard over and over again.  But I do have some serious animal-rights related issues with eating meat.

I'm a huge animal rights fanatic.  Did I ever mention that before?  Well, I am.  I mean, I log on to the PETA website regularly (though I will say their tactics are often way passed too extreme for me), I don't allow myself to enter animal shelters unless 1) I can actually feasibly adopt 15-100 animals that day, or 2) I want to find myself sobbing in bed for the rest of the day, and the only regular charitable donations I make are to wild life conservation groups.

And yet here I am, chomping away.  It makes me feel terrible.

So why do I keep eating meat?  Before you judge, just hear me out for a second.  As lame as it may sound -- and believe me, I'm well aware -- eating meat is sort of intertwined with my culture.  Being from Hawaii, and being Native Hawaiian on top of that, hunting and fishing kind of come with the territory.  Seriously, my family can actually be broken into 2 categories: the hunters and the fishers (though both factions usually dabble in the other).  I grew up camping out in cabins while my cousins and uncles went out hunting for pigs (and my grandfather is the one who taught them all to hunt).  I was always the kid my dad took with him when he went throw-netting or 'opihi picking.  I've seen my brother-in-law clean more pig carcasses in our driveway than I can even tell you.  If you open up our deep freezer chest at any given time, you'll probably find either some tuna my uncles caught and brought over for my grandparents, or the meat of the pig my brother-in-law caught the day before.  I collected bones as a child, for crying out loud!

So while my family and most people I know eat everything they hunt (to not do so would be incredibly disrespectful to the animal), that still makes us a hunting, fishing, meat-eating kind of people.

So I guess that's how I'll justify being a carnivore until I can finally muster up the willpower and courage (because telling my family I no longer eat meat would be a scary thing) to stop.  I'm also not expanding the list of animals I eat, and actually still only eat those that I've eaten since childhood (so no duck, goat, veal, venison, buffalo, lobster, crab, shrimp, etc. etc.).  And I don't eat shark -- which, living with Nate, who's half Asian, is fun -- but that's because my Hawaiian family believe the shark to be our family's guardian spirit (our 'aumakua), and that would just be wrong.

In case you're wondering where this all came from, last night I caught an episode of the new Travel Channel show "The Wild Within" which follows this dude around as he hunts, cooks, and sort of explains his philosophies about hunting animals for food or (if you're a jackass) sport.  In case you're really interested, he'll be going pig hunting in Hawaii during next weekend's episode.

A Healthy Ambition: The Media

We all know that the media has never been particularly kind to those struggling with weight issues.  Whether it's been the uber waif-like models on the covers of magazines, the beautiful (yet skinny) actresses on TV, or the hundreds and thousands of weight loss products on the shelves promising to turn you into thinnest "you" possible, there really has been almost a war waged against the self-esteem of the overweight.

And yes, it's very true that America has a serious, life-threatening problem called obesity -- our relationship to food and exercise is appalling.  But rather than nurturing a less-obese population by way of healthier habits, we seem to knock ourselves down, call ourselves names, and generally make ourselves feel bad about being the way we are instead.

Nothing pointed this out to me more this passed week than the controversy currently going on in the Twitter-verse.  From what I can gather, Kenneth Tong of Big Brother fame has started a...campaign?...which utilizes what he calls "managed anorexia" in order to shame people into being skinny.  It's disgusting, really it is.

Some of his recent tweets have included:

• Kenneth Tong: making fat girls more irrelevant than they already are, haven't you ever heard of managed anorexia?
• Kenneth Tong: making it acceptable for skinny people globally to call fat people what they are, disgusting.
• Don't listen to them. They're all trying to make fatter. You're a mess as is. Throw the food away. You'll be so much happier then.
• Managed anorexia is not life threatening, it gives living another chance after you messed it up eating too much. 
• The beginning is always today. Managed anorexia is a lifestyle, not a diet.
• Thankful for this global opportunity to help girls all over the world know that to be skinny is to be perfect & to be fat is unacceptable.

In response to this, people have started hashtagging #NoSizeZero, and celebrities have come out quite vocally against Tong.  He's being interviewed by tons of newspapers, radio shows and blogs.  And while we can all say things like, we should just ignore him because all he wants is attention, I feel that that's somewhat irresponsible in this case.  Because not everyone will ignore him.  Those most vulnerable to his kind of poison won't ignore him and they'll think he's right.  So I think it's important to be outspoken against this sort of thing, it's important to show others that not everyone agrees and that being healthy is being beautiful.

Last week was also the first time I caught MTV's new docu-drama, "I Used To Be Fat".  When I first saw it and didn't know what was going on, my knee-jerk reaction was that this was going to be a Biggest Loser for teenagers, that these kids were going to work out for 8 hours a day, burn a billion calories, and that's how they'd lose weight.  I was pleasantly surprised that it turned out to be a little different.

Yes, these kids work out, and they work out every day.  But they work out for a couple of hours and alter other things in their lives simultaneously -- like drastically changing their diets.  Now yes, this is still scarily drastic...and I'm not saying that it's necessarily a good thing to lose 90lbs in 111 days, or that that kind of weight loss is particularly sustainable, but I appreciate that MTV is showing how real and hard weight loss can be.  Once the extreme time frame is taken out of the equation here, the message is fairly simple: There's no magic pill to weight loss.  There's just hard work and healthy lifestyle changes.

Resolutions

In case you haven't noticed by now, I'm notorious for making resolutions.  And not just on New Year's Eve.  I make them all year long -- my goals, plans, decisions, etc. etc. etc.  They're all resolutions in one form or another.  So it should come as no surprise that I'm making more of them at the traditional time as well.

After much thought and debate, here are my 2011 resolutions:

• Stick to my budget plan: While I had a budget plan last year and things started off well, I don't know that I thought that plan through.  So when things changed on me, or expenses came up that I didn't expect which altered my budget that month, I got so frustrated that I just gave up.  This year, I have a more carefully thought out plan, and a more carefully thought out mindset.  I think I'm beginning to understand money a little more, and my relationship to it.  So while I have an overall budget plan for the entire year, I also recognize that I'll probably have to replan a few times.  And while a majority of my money is funneled into paying off credit cards, I've built in pockets of spending money and emergency money as well.
• Be more mindful of myself: I need to stop and listen to myself more.  I think I've been in this rut with this job for so long because for months I told myself to suck it up, or I worried about disappointing my boss or something.  Instead, I should have been worried about the fact that this job makes me unhappy and it began to get unhealthy for me.  So this year, I'm trying to be a little more aware of my thoughts and feelings and will hopefully find myself in a better place when 2012 rolls around.
• Take steps to get where I'm going: I began doing this earlier in December and I can already see how good the changes are making me feel.  I started 2010 with all of these plans to get started with and all I ended up doing was putting them on the backburner to deal with in 2011.  Well, 2011 is here...let's get going.
• Travel: Even if it's within the country.  Hawaii and traveling to weddings for a weekend does not count.

There are few smaller resolutions, which are more hopes than actual goals (i.e. build a better wardrobe, get back into my work out routine, write more, see more live music, get outdoors more, take a western national parks road trip, get my dog into a training class), but those are all sort of contingent on something or other.  That's not to say I won't work on accomplishing them, but the resolutions are the real focus here.

I hope you all had a very happy New Year!