i know that i've written about brooke fraser before, but i've really been obsessed with her music lately and have had it on repeat, so you've got to bear with me.
the first time i listened to brooke fraser, i'm pretty sure i was actually in new zealand (she's a kiwi). we were living in the international house at the university of auckland, and i remember walking into the lounge and hearing this really nice song playing. i walked over to the tv where some friends were watching music videos, and i see this great video. there's candle-light and this woman playing the piano, and it's all just very romantic, you know? well, at that point N. and i had just started dating so everything sort of seemed romantic to me at the time, but still.
anyway, this song ended up being "arithmetic" by brooke fraser, and i ended up buying the entire album and really loving her music. she's since come out with a newer album called "albertine," and it's absolutely amazing. from a christian standpoint, you really couldn't ask for more since it's really inspirational but not overly preachy, and from a singer/songwriter fan's standpoint, the music (from piano to guitar to lyrics) is wonderful as well -- calming and thoughtful without being depressing.
i also know that, with this album, there's a particular humanitarian aspect that you hear come through in the song for which the album is named. as a supporter of world vision child sponsorship, "albertine" is named for the orphan brooke met in rwanda, who lost both her parents in the rwandan genocide. you can read a little bit more about it on her website.
i guess this music just inspires me to 1) be a better person, 2) be a better christian, and 3) be better at these things by...being more present in the world, more helpful, more understanding. more of the things we say we all want to be, but usually don't see through.
brooke's currently in studio working on another album, and i can't wait until she goes back on tour. until then, here are some songs to keep you (and me) looking forward:
anyone who knows me will know that i'm obsessed with fiction. as i wrote earlier this week, fiction isn't easy for me to write, but it's what i love. it's no surprise then, that fiction is what i lean towards in my reading preferences as well.
books are a comfort to me. they can be a vice, yes, because i will always use them as a way to procrastinate, but they 're also an invaluable stress reliever and an escape, a channel for frustration and a blanket to pull over my head when the frustration of school or work or life in general just won't go away.
i can remember the first book i ever read and enjoyed ("the curse of the mummy" by r.l. stein). i can remember the first series i read ("the fear street saga" by r.l. stein), because even then i needed that continuation, that update on the lives in the characters after their stories ended. these books, which probably won't be immortalized in the grand scheme of things, taught me how some authors could grab my attention while others couldn't. i can't honestly say that i read the most stunning literary works that ever existed -- even now, when fear street and christopher pike are far behind me. lord know that i'll never read most of the "classics," and it's not because i don't appreciate them. they just don't appeal to my imagination in ways that the books i love do.
i love the exploration of relationships. parents and children. siblings. friends and rivals. lovers. i love that exchange of words that you can read and know that that's exactly how it would have played out in your head. it's those same words you would have screamed when you got fired, the laugh that would have escaped from your own lips at some snide remark, the anger you would have felt clawing past the hurt and shock when you were betrayed.
i love the setting of a scene. when a room you read is perfect in every way, and you can sketch it out if you had to, when you can see the city as the character sees the city, when the details are all there for you to pick and choose from. i love when there's flexibility enough for you to change what suits you, when the expressions, or the distracted movements of a character are so the way you see them, that these people, this situation, this world is as real to you as any other.
this is where i escape when i need to. i pick up the problems of my favorite fictional person because i know that in three hours, when i finally finish their story, the problem would have been solved and the world would have been righted again.
there's just enough drama to satisfy my need for conflict, and there, at the very end, is that ever reliable and eternal resolution.
olympic fever has officially settled over our once quiet land. i don't know why, i don't know what has been so different about these games than all the others, but i am certifiably obsessed.
the athleticism alone is sort of staggering, you know? i mean, i've never skied or snowboarded, so i can barely even fathom standing up on those things, let alone competing at that level on a nearly vertical slope. it's practically insane. who decided that it would be a good idea to strap a couple of long pieces of wood to your feet, speed down a hill, and then jump off of ramp so that you're vaulted into the air at more than 60 mph, to land a whopping 300-some-odd feet from where you began? crazy people, and people waaaay more talented then me, that's who!
these men and women train for years to be able to compete in events that are over in minutes. and its been so heartbreaking to watch when it doesn't work out, and so inspirational to watch when it does. the stress has been killing me. i can barely watch any event that lindsey vonn (possibly the most accident prone olympian ever) is in because i'm so concerned that she'll get injured again. i almost cried when she won her first gold this year. when france's ophelie david crashed during women's ski cross, and the camera found her 10 year old daughter lilou looking on, i did cry.
they're fearless. that's really what it comes down to. throwing a grown woman in the air so that she can spin and land ten feet away on razor sharp blades? racing around an ice rink filled with more than 20 other people who are all, again, on razor sharp blades? and, god, to go down mountains and winding slides of ice after knowing how many people have been injured and, worse yet, killed on them already? i can't help but have so much respect for these athletes.
i've decided that my favorite events this year are moguls, women's downhill and super combined, speed skating, and, of course -- because i'm a girl -- ice skating. i'm a particular fan of the commentators of the men's snowboarding event, who were kind enough to explain all that snowboard lingo and tricks to the uneducated me. i am not, however, a fan of the curling commentators (or the sport, for that matter) who taught me absolutely nothing about the game. in fact, i'm actually convinced that there are no rules in curling; you simply push your rock (yes, i said rock) with as medium force as possible, sweep the ice in front of it vigorously until it just shines, and ignore the target/bullseye at the end of the lane -- it means nothing anyway.
the scots come up with such interesting ways to occupy their time.
anyway, (even though i'm posting this tomorrow morning) i'm actually in the midst of watching a bunch of women with thighs bigger than my midsection push bullets-on-blades down an icy course before jumping into said bullet and hoping no one falls out. that's right, it's bobsled time. (why is it called a bobsled anyway?) i have a mini-surprise coming up next week relating to the olympics, so keep posted, and enjoy the games!
i daydream a lot. like, a lot. i'm one of those people who would prefer not driving, not because it stresses me out or because i hate traffic (though i am sort of terrified of driving in a general sense anyway), but because it seriously cuts into my daydream time. that bus ride, that commute, it's the only time of day that i can take a step back from everything and, without any effort whatsoever, come up with storyline after storyline, scenario after scenario. all i need is some peace and music.
and i bring this up because there's a big difference between this daydream time, when everything comes so fluidly and i can so easily remember why i want to be a writer and why i think i'd be good at it, and the time i set aside to actually sit down in front of my computer and write something (read: creative, fiction) down. during that time, it's like pulling teeth. for example, i read a lot of interviews of my favorite authors where they're asked, "how did you become a writer?" or "describe your work day," and many times they'll talk about just sitting down and having the words come to them. it's work, yes, of course, but still. they're able to write without an outline, you know? the characters sort of...well, tell the author what they want to say and do. the author, at that point, is sort of a conduit, you know?
um, okay so that's totally not me. when i sit down to write fiction with nothing jotted down to fill the next few pages with, none of my characters speak to me and the only words that come to mind are: you suck, so don't quit your day job.
[Note: this is not the case for academic writing which i could, unfortunately, spew out of my brain for hours upon hours, lucky you.]
so this daydream time is incredibly important to me. the only problem is, i'm never prepared for it. i always have these great ideas where i can envision an hour of dialogue in my head, or the way an entire fictional town looks at sunset, but then as soon as i get back to reality, those visions are gone.
it's gotten to the point where i've even invented a imaginary machine to help me with this dilemma. it's a headset, not unlike a bluetooth earpiece, that would somehow (and this is why my invention has not yet come to fruition) record my thoughts and transmit them to an open word document. voila! i've got an editable story already written down!
unfortunately, my science, engineering and math capabilities, which i assume are necessary to build such a wonderful little device, are sorely lacking. i've started carting around a good old fashion journal instead. and while it's everywhere i go these days, i'm still forgetting to use it. but today i'm turning over a new leaf. said journal is sitting here, right next to me on my desk, so that as soon as any sort of story or blog idea comes up, i'll be ready. in fact, i've already written something down in there this morning (on the short bus ride to work)!
i'm hoping to turn this into another one of those healthy habits i've been working on.
i'm not going to say the "the jane austen book club" is my favorite movie (because it's not), but i will say that i kind of love it. aside from the fact that its a movie about lives paralleling fiction, which is always good, there's just some great lines in it. my favorite has to be prudie's (emily blunt) heartfelt, "high school's never over." it's just so true in so many cases.
i've been friends with K. over at the artist in the ambulance since i was twelve years old. we actually first met in the fifth grade when we were both part of this summer program called "explorations," during which kids spent a week in the dorms of what was to become my future high school, and learned more about hawaiian culture. my first memory of her is when we first arrived and were unloading our suitcases and bags from the bus. i saw this girl, and she was one of the few people from kauai, but i remember clearly that i thought she was really pretty and had a really cool billabong or quicksilver duffel bag. the things we remember!
anyhow, while she and i were friends in the seventh and eighth grade (it was pretty hard to be in a dorm with someone and not be friends with them), we generally ran in different crowds. i hung out with L. and a bunch of other friends, and she hung out with the more sporty, soccer-playing girls and the cute guys. it wasn't until high school, when groups started splitting and combining, that she and i found ourselves as 2 parts of a new 4-some. that 4-some has since also split, as high school cliches do, but K. and i have been friends ever since.
i think the moment, the exact moment i knew i'd have her in my life forever came when i was fifteen. a close family member had been in a really bad accident and was in a coma, and i'd been splitting my time between my dorm on campus and the icu at the hospital downtown. one weekend, i really wanted to go and see him, so i caught a ride with L., her boyfriend, his friend, and K. when we arrived at the hospital, K. decided to come with me. i don't know why, but she did. as if she knew i'd need her. when we got to the icu and walked into the room, i realized that his eyes were open. he'd woken up from his coma, but so much about him wasn't the same anymore. and even though it was a huge relief to know that he was awake and was going to live, it was devastating to know that his life, my life, our lives, were never going to be the same. we were in the elevator on our way out when i broke down and cried. it was the first time i had cried about the whole situation, and it was months in coming. and K. just stood there and hugged me. she didn't say anything, because there was nothing to really say. she was just there.
and she's been there ever since. for every single hard time i've had, for every up, for every down. one of her strongest qualities is that she's loyal. she's honest, possibly to the point of being brutally so sometimes, but she does it because she expects the same in return, because she considers it to be a mark of a true friend.
she expects a lot of her friends, and this is where she has contributed to making me a better person. i know that i've let her down in the past; there were times when i was too busy dealing with myself and my own issues to keep in touch, there were times when my ups seemed too important to deal with someone else's downs, there were times when i just took her for granted. and while she may say she doesn't give second chances, it's a lie, because she's given me chance after chance. thankfully, i think i've finally recognized it and learned.
friendships like these don't come around very often. i know i'm lucky. i talk to her more throughout the day over IM than i talk to the girl at the next desk at work. i've grown because of our friendship. i'm a better person, a better friend. i value people more, i give people the benefit of the doubt because she gave me the benefit of the doubt, and i try not to take my friends for granted anymore.
it's true, we grow leaps and bounds after high school. in the best cases, we shed our childish tendencies and become adults without becoming assholes. in the worst cases, we remain hung up on the many pitfalls of being a teenager and can never fully recover. but in some ways, in the most important ways, high school's never really over.
one of those ways is through our friendships. the ones i had in high school remain some of my best. my friendship with K. is one of them.
there's a certain time of the year that N. and i like to call "murderer's row." it includes the following traditionally gift-giving days: christmas (dec. 25), our anniversary (mid-jan.), valentine's day (feb. 14), and our birthday (beginning of march -- yes, we share the same birthday). this year, because of the state of our finances and our new outlook on money, we've decided that christmas was really the only day we'd exchange store-bought gifts.
overall, this was working out fairly well. we did something really home-made and sweet for our anniversary, and have been budgeted within an inch of our lives this month so we haven't really been spending any money at all lately. but then this weekend happened, and the fact that we couldn't spend anything really began getting to me.
now, i'm a huge fan of holidays. big or small, i love going all out for them. prior to meeting N., when i didn't have a valentine, i always tried to do something special on february 14th, whether it was getting my hair done, planning a dinner with friends, whatever. it usually always required money. and this year, aside from the fact that i haven't gotten my hair done in nearly a year, not being able to think of something special to do with N. that wouldn't cost us any money was just depressing.
added to that, my older sister called me sunday morning from the iphone her husband got her, sitting in the new car her husband got her, while she was just returning from the spa day her husband got her, to tell me what an awesome valentine's she was having. when she asked what N. and i were doing to celebrate, i told her: we're going to run errands, go grocery shopping, and watch more of the olympic winter games on tv. why? because it won't cost us any money.
and i know there are things to do that don't require money. in fact, N. ended up making our valentine's day dinner really special for us just so that the day didn't feel like every other day. but i just wanted to share with you all the fact that this journey of ours, from being overrun by debt to hopefully being debt-free, isn't as easy and wonderful as i may sometimes make it seem. there are somedays, like sunday, when i feel angry that i got myself into this situation, when i wish to my core that i could buy something for N. that he's really been wanting, when i get frustrated with him after i find out he tried to get us reservations for a restaurant we in no way could have afforded (and then i feel terrible, because it's such a sweet thought).
this isn't fun, and it definitely comes with its fair share of difficulty. lifestyle changes usually do, i guess.
but sunday is over, and we came through it without breaking our budget. while that may seem like a small accomplishment as it was only one more day, when you're doing something hard like this, you have to really appreciate every single accomplishment you make, no matter the size.
it's important to just take things one day at a time.
alright, i've decided something. (and here we shall all pause for a minute to fully appreciate the magnitude of this moment: i have actually decided something! alert the press!). okay, enough silliness. i have decided that i need to lose weight.
what brought this on [again]? maybe it's the fact that i'm the heaviest i have ever been, and therefore wear the largest sizes i have ever worn. maybe it's the fact that my weight has seriously started to effect the way i look at myself and act with...people [read: boyfriend]. maybe it's because of the little news clipping my mother sent me last week about diabetes and weight and the crap i eat and drink as she tried to gently point out that yes, i am prone to getting diabetes and yes, she will blame me and my shitty habits forever and ever if i end of a diabetic like her and my sister and everyone else in my family who got it even though their habits are nowhere near as bad as mine.
it's actually all of these reasons.
i'm unhappy with myself, and tired of being unhappy. i'd originally planned to enroll myself back at my gym (had to quit when the funds stopped flowing in), but my new and improved "down with debt" attitude makes that against the rules. so instead i'm going to give the free workouts on my comcast on-demand a shot, and maybe eventually move my activities outdoors into the sunshine (when the sun actually starts shining again). i also think i want to commit myself to some sort of culminating event, like back in high school when, in order to pass phys ed, each student had to complete a timed event, like a 6 mile run or a biathalon or something. it'll keep me accountable, and looking forward to something. not that i looked forward to those events in high school, and i wasn't even fat then.
urgh. note to self: STOP comparing your current ass to your high school ass! it's not a fair fight!
anyway. i feel like i need to come up with a regimen or something, like just wanting to exercise won't be enough. does anyone out there have a regimen i can use as a jumping off point? or maybe someone wants to be a fitness buddy with me! (because lets face it, misery loves company, right?)
but it's not just the exercise thing. i also need to eat healthier. i've started eating lunches now, which is a plus in some alternate universe, i suppose. i still can't bring myself to eat breakfast because 1) i don't like breakfast foods, and 2) i'm just not hungry that early in the morning and by the time i am hungry, well, it's lunch time! but i guess that should be what i tackle first: getting my metabolism, which has adopted the speed of an ice flow, moving in some sort of respectable way again.
this all just goes to show that being healthy, being in shape is so much more about your mind than your actual body. without your mind, your body might as well be a lump of poop. my body currently is a lump of poop. so it'll be a challenge all around.
okay, i'm going to be honest here and say that i was hesitant to post what i did yesterday. at one point, i actually posted it then took it back down again. i think i felt this way because, to me, the things i wrote about L. and about the many complicated ins and outs of our friendship were extremely personal, and i worried that it was wrong to share it. i also worried that i was being too harsh in my telling of our history. was i wrong? was i too judgmental?
so it thought about it and thought about it as i do.
and i realized that yes, it was personal, and yes, maybe it was also a little harsh and judge-y (though, according to some it was actually only the mildest version of the truth -- i love the way that sounds for some reason). but it was also honest. mild or not, this was the truth as i saw it. and maybe that sort of thing isn't supposed to be shared with strangers and the world at large, but then again, maybe it is. what's a blog for, after all, if not to share our own personal versions of the truth?
and i guess i've been thinking about this a lot, about the usefulness of blogs and all, because i've been considering attempting to expand my readership. i think there comes a point in every bloggers life...okay, i'm not really being that pompous, but seriously, there is a point where we have to ask ourselves, "is this blog just for me and my friends, or do i want reach more people, to know more people, and to be known as well?" i don't think i have a problem with being known by perfect strangers. it's actually being known by those in real life that scares me. that and the fact that i just don't know that my subject matter really does reach other people. like i said, this blog is about me, my life, my truth, you know? it's so completely specific that i just can't imagine how anyone else would be even mildly interested in it.
but we'll see.
i know some of you out there have also faced this issue, the whole, "how do i get more readers and why would they even want to read about me?" question. what answers, if any, did you come up with? did you worry that you would reach not only strangers but people who knew you in real life? is that distinction even a concern for you? i'd love to hear your thoughts!
this weekend was one of those knock down, drag out weekends. this was the weekend N. and i set aside to work out our budget. we wanted to get one done before february started so that we could begin the month as on-track as possible, and hopefully set off on the right foot in terms of newer, better spending habits.
to say that this was an emotional two days would be the understatement of a lifetime.
let me start by saying that i was really, naively looking forward to this weekend. for some reason, it didn't quite register to me just how hard it would be. i think logically i knew it would be difficult, but that logic didn't really register with the more emotional half of my brain. the fact that i got through without bursting into tears gives me cause enough to be ecstatic.
i think it was so hard for me mostly because of the way i operated up until friday. ever since high school, i've always been incredibly responsible when it came to money management. growing up, my parents always made sure i was aware of the type of life i didn't want to have, and that meant i had to be particularly aware of the money i earned, where i spent it, and how i saved it. this hadn't been a problem for me until i graduated from college and moved down to california. i now recognize that move as pivotal in my financial well-being, in that it completely wrecked it.
i don't know why, maybe it's because i didn't have any money for the move to begin with, or because i'd become so used to having an income (i worked all through college for any and all money i used...which is probably why i was so responsible with it) that when i began law school and couldn't have a job, i just didn't know how to survive on financial aid alone. whatever the cause, it was my own personal recipe for financial disaster and, because of my history of being pretty smart with my money, it also became a source of shame.
i'll go into some of my more specific debt mistakes in a future post, but let me just say that i've made a lot of them in the last three and a half years, and have racked up most, if not all, of my credit card debt in that time. once i became aware of how substantial that debt was becoming, and once law school was over and i was really broke (because the financial aid stopped rolling in and i couldn't find a job for a while), i began being really afraid of my money, and so began taking the "ostrich approach."
the ostrich approach is obviously enough when someone has something they really don't want to deal with, and so they just stick their head in the sand hoping they'll never have to. unfortunately, this never works because bills still need to be paid and your debit card still needs to be used. so when you finally do work up the courage to log into your online bank account, you get hit with that sick, punch-in-the-gut, stomach-dropping feeling when you see your balance and realize it will not pay for you and your lifestyle. and it's too late, this month, to change so, hey, why not wait until next month?...
that was me.
i knew this weekend was just going to be a whole lot of those punches. and saturday was. after finishing my initial budget and realizing that my expenses (and these expenses don't include any sort of extra's, no clothes shopping money, no miscellaneous money, no savings money, nothing) exceeded my income by more than a thousand dollars, i won't lie, i wanted to cry and throw up and bury my head back in that familiar, safe sand. but i didn't. instead, i worked with it. i tweaked and moved things around, and tried to figure out how i was going to pay for certain bills at certain times. and while my expenses still exceed my income, it's only by about $200. and, with N.'s help, my bills are getting paid.
by the end of sunday, i was feeling pretty damn good. this month will be tough (dave ramsey said so), and N. and i will probably go over budget as we adjust to these new habits, but i feel so good now just knowing where my money is going. even though i don't have a lot left in my bank account after writing those checks for student loans and utilities, at least i know that those things are paid.
so this is my first word of advice for those going through a financial make-over like i am: don't ignore your money. know exactly how much you have at all times, and tell it exactly what to do and where to go. doing this, even when you don't have very much, will be a big step toward relieving some of the stress that comes along with money problems. knowledge, as always, is power.
