blogging through my debt: money and ostriches

this weekend was one of those knock down, drag out weekends.  this was the weekend N. and i set aside to work out our budget.  we wanted to get one done before february started so that we could begin the month as on-track as possible, and hopefully set off on the right foot in terms of newer, better spending habits.

to say that this was an emotional two days would be the understatement of a lifetime.

let me start by saying that i was really, naively looking forward to this weekend.  for some reason, it didn't quite register to me just how hard it would be.  i think logically i knew it would be difficult, but that logic didn't really register with the more emotional half of my brain.  the fact that i got through without bursting into tears gives me cause enough to be ecstatic.

i think it was so hard for me mostly because of the way i operated up until friday.  ever since high school, i've always been incredibly responsible when it came to money management.  growing up, my parents always made sure i was aware of the type of life i didn't want to have, and that meant i had to be particularly aware of the money i earned, where i spent it, and how i saved it.  this hadn't been a problem for me until i graduated from college and moved down to california.  i now recognize that move as pivotal in my financial well-being, in that it completely wrecked it.

i don't know why, maybe it's because i didn't have any money for the move to begin with, or because i'd become so used to having an income (i worked all through college for any and all money i used...which is probably why i was so responsible with it) that when i began law school and couldn't have a job, i just didn't know how to survive on financial aid alone.  whatever the cause, it was my own personal recipe for financial disaster and, because of my history of being pretty smart with my money, it also became a source of shame.

i'll go into some of my more specific debt mistakes in a future post, but let me just say that i've made a lot of them in the last three and a half years, and have racked up most, if not all, of my credit card debt in that time.  once i became aware of how substantial that debt was becoming, and once law school was over and i was really broke (because the financial aid stopped rolling in and i couldn't find a job for a while), i began being really afraid of my money, and so began taking the "ostrich approach."

the ostrich approach is obviously enough when someone has something they really don't want to deal with, and so they just stick their head in the sand hoping they'll never have to.  unfortunately, this never works because bills still need to be paid and your debit card still needs to be used.  so when you finally do work up the courage to log into your online bank account, you get hit with that sick, punch-in-the-gut, stomach-dropping feeling when you see your balance and realize it will not pay for you and your lifestyle.  and it's too late, this month, to change so, hey, why not wait until next month?...

that was me.

i knew this weekend was just going to be a whole lot of those punches.  and saturday was.  after finishing my initial budget and realizing that my expenses (and these expenses don't include any sort of extra's, no clothes shopping money, no miscellaneous money, no savings money, nothing) exceeded my income by more than a thousand dollars, i won't lie, i wanted to cry and throw up and bury my head back in that familiar, safe sand.  but i didn't.  instead, i worked with it.  i tweaked and moved things around, and tried to figure out how i was going to pay for certain bills at certain times.  and while my expenses still exceed my income, it's only by about $200.  and, with N.'s help, my bills are getting paid.

by the end of sunday, i was feeling pretty damn good.  this month will be tough (dave ramsey said so), and N. and i will probably go over budget as we adjust to these new habits, but i feel so good now just knowing where my money is going.  even though i don't have a lot left in my bank account after writing those checks for student loans and utilities, at least i know that those things are paid.

so this is my first word of advice for those going through a financial make-over like i am: don't ignore your money.  know exactly how much you have at all times, and tell it exactly what to do and where to go.  doing this, even when you don't have very much, will be a big step toward relieving some of the stress that comes along with money problems.  knowledge, as always, is power.