Happy Christmas!

i don't know why, but i've always thought that the british way of saying "happy christmas" instead of "merry christmas" sounded better, so i'm trying it out.

But given where i am, i guess i should say Mele Kalikimaka instead!

also, in terms of a very short book review:

very interesting.

K. had suggested i read this book a few months ago and i finally found the time to do it. it took me about a day off and on, and i've been trying to decide what i think of the book every since i finished it.

the book is written in a series of letters that this high school freshman boy, Charlie, sends to an unidentified reader throughout the school year, and through these letters we get to experience Charlie's life. he's an awkward kid with great taste in music (this occurs in the 90's, so it's a lot of the smith's and nirvana, etc.), and an apparently astounding IQ. he reads and writes and smokes and drinks, and he's in love with his best friend, Sam (a girl).

i just spent the passed 15 minutes writing up my thoughts on this book and what happens and what Charlie goes through and how he grows, etc., and then deleted it all. it makes no sense for me to try and explain this book. there's just too much going on, and definitely too much to take in. let's just say i like the book and think you should give it a shot. it's one of those books where, if you don't like it in the first few pages, you won't like the entire thing, so at least you'll be able to figure it out quicky and decide whether to finish it or not!

today's obsession

Really good, though it may not be for everyone.

I think I can understand why this book isn’t necessarily for everyone. It was suggested to me by a close friend who said I would immediately connect with the author (at least, the bit of the author that my friend had already read about – she wasn’t yet a third of the way through the book), and at the same time I was warned off it by another friend who said it would get too almost . . . “new-agey” for me. And by new-agey I mean my own stereotypical ideas of how hippies generally act/feel about life.

And in their own ways, both friends were right. I both loved the book and sometimes felt that I needed to step back and take a grip on “reality” once again. So, yes, I can definitely see how this book is not necessarily for everyone.

But I would, and probably will in short order, read it again. As I do.

I guess I’ll tackle this review in three parts, since that’s the way the book was written.

Italy – Pleasure

As M. promised, I immediately connected with the Liz in Italy. In fact, I connected so much, that I had to actually stop reading this book for a while (read: a month) before picking it up again [when I was in a frame of mind where I would not burst into uncontrollable tears after every page]. In her section on Italy, Liz takes you through what may be the most powerful part of the book, for me, and it lasts maybe three pages. It’s the disintegration of her marriage. For those who have been following me this passed semester, you may get why this section is particularly meaningful to me. For those of you who haven’t been, let’s just say that, over the past few months it’s been like someone – or something – has taken my entire life plan and been like, “well, you were just kidding right? This can’t really be what you want, is it? No . . .” And, for a while, I was a veritable a mess because of it. So my favorite passage in all of the Italy section occurs on page 12, where Liz finds herself, once again, on the bathroom floor of her perfect house, in the middle of yet another night in her perfect life with her perfect husband and perfect career, and she says,

“The many reasons I didn’t want to be this man’s wife anymore are too personal and too sad to share here . . . I also will not discuss here all the reasons why I did still want to be his wife, or all his wonderfulness, or why I loved him and why I had married him and why I was unable to imagine life without him. I won’t open any of that. Let it be sufficient to say that, on this night, he was still my lighthouse and my albatross in equal measure. The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn’t want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.”

There are, of course, wonderful passages from her actually being in Italy. Passages where she has eaten all the pasta, pizza (oh, I can’t tell you how much I want to try that perfect pizza from Naples), and gelato she can stomach. Italy, after all, is where Liz indulges in pleasure, and so eats her way through Rome in a fashion I can only envy and plan on doing myself one day. But for many reasons, that one passage from pg. 12, which began her entire journey across three continents, still stays with me after I’ve finished the entire book.

There’s so much more I could say about Italy. About how it’s the type of travel I want to do. It’s the type of freedom I want to have. It’s the type of wide-eyed fascination slash scary self-realization I want to experience. But this is only part of Liz’s story, so moving on.

India – Divine

Now, I was prepared to not like the section on India. For some strange reason on other, India is one of the few countries I’ve never really had a strong desire to see (which says something huge, since I probably have a desire to see every other country on the face of the Earth). Added to that, Liz’s mission in India was to find God, so going in I knew there would be a lot of talk about the divine self and (*here, I almost wrote “blah, blah, blah” but that just sounds so absolutely disrespectful that I can’t do it*) everything that comes with it. There would be lots of meditation and yoga and talk of transcendence and God living in our inner hearts and minds, and all that which I (and I admit this is my own ignorance and/or bias) relegate to hippies and new-agers.

So I was completely surprised to find out that I got through this section faster than Italy.

While I don’t agree with everything Liz says and feels about God (nor does she agree, she admits, with the one Christian tenant that is almost central to my beliefs, so I think we could safely and happily agree to disagree and still enjoy the each other’s stories), you can’t help but fiercely believe that this has happened to her, and that this is truth, and that this is beautiful and meaningful and sacred. And not all of it conflicts, either. She talks about prayer the way I wish my pastor growing up would teach about prayer. She talks about loving yourself and learning to do so in a way I wish some of my counselors would have talked to me about it. She discusses faith the way I understand faith to be. And she talks about God the way I want to understand God for myself.

It’s enough to make you want to find a Guru, go to an Ashram, and learn to meditate in silence for a week. Which I am probably incapable of doing. Meditation, that is. I’ve tried, once, and failed miserably. I also tried yoga once or twice, though for the physical health aspects rather than the spiritual. It wasn’t a hot success either. So it was sort of comforting to read the difficulties that Liz went through during her meditation exercises at the Ashram. And I also liked the . . . well, inclusiveness of it all. How meditation and yoga make room for so many different faiths and paths and beliefs. Even if the end-goal isn’t necessarily what I subscribe to, I can appreciate the journey.

I also enjoyed Richard from Texas and his realness in the face of it all.

Indonesia – Balance

Not sure how I felt about the section on Indonesia as a whole. It felt less cohesive than the rest, like there was less of a mission or goal to accomplish, though I know that Liz was seeking a balance between what she had found in both Italy and India. I just felt like both other countries were so purposeful, and then in Indonesia, she just sort of . . . went about life. Though I guess that’s one of the ways to find balance, isn’t it? Simply, live your life in balance as much as possible. I think I just felt that there was less of a change made here than there were in Italy and India. Indonesia was the culmination of a long year of change though, so the change was gradual rather than the life-affirming BAM! I guess I was looking for.

In Indonesia we see the result of all these months of self-reflection and reassessment. Her journey wasn’t a reinvention, but sort of a reawakening instead. She learned to accept the things in herself she used to find as limitations. She found that relationship both with herself and with God that she’d been starved for, and without which it seemed like her life was . . . well, out of balance.

So it probably says more about me than it does about the book that I preferred the drama and roller-coaster-ish nature of Italy, as well as the discovery of India, to the balance and eventual happiness in Indonesia.

It would be interesting to find out if this is just me, or if more people feel this way. So if you happen to read the book, let me know!

ranting

what could very well have been the worst semester of my entire academic career is now officially over.

i've finished my ethics presentation, my trial, my ethics paper, my fed indian law exam, my writing requirement/article, and work. and i get to go home tomorrow.

life couldn't get much better this second.

so the way this writing requirement/article thing works out is that i originally wrote this paper for comparative law final last spring. because i want to go into indian law, the topic i chose was violence against women. amnesty had just done this huge project on sexual violence against women that really inspired me to do my own research from a more legal perspective, and so my paper was born. once that paper was done, i decided to continue to pursue it as my upper division writing requirement, meaning it would have to be longer and better than the original. at the same time, a law journal at school decided to publish it in their upcoming april/may volume. so i spent nearly every minute over the weekend revising it and adding sections, taking sections out, cite checking, all for my writing requirement. and over the course of the next several months, i'll be working with editors at the journal to bring it up to publication standards.

i should probably be more excited, because i'm finally getting published. but i'm more stressed actually. it's really scary when your thoughts and theories are going to be out there for people to read and quite possibly attack. i'll guess we'll see what happens.

to give a brief summary, native american women are 2.5 times more likely to be raped and/or sexually assaulted than any other woman in the united states. 86% of the time, the perpetrators are non-Native men. unfortunately, tribes have no jurisdiction over non-Indians. that jurisdiction, in most cases, lies with the federal government. the federal government, however, rarely prosecutes perpetrators (we see this in rape/sexual assault cases against non-Native women as well), mainly because of a lack of resources, the distance and time it takes to get to a lot of these remote areas in Indian country (think: reservations for Sioux nation, Alaska Native villages, etc.), and the fact that even the federal government is confused about it's authority to prosecute these perpetrators. compounded with this is the fact that the severity of the crime also matters. one U.S. attorney from michigan can be quoted as saying that in order for this sort of case in Indian country to see any sort of action, "there needs to be stitches, practically a dead body."

so tribes don't prosecute because they can't. the federal government doesn't prosecute because of a lack of resources, a lack of effort, and general overall confusion.

and then you have the states. so in some states, the federal government has decided to chuck it's jurisdictional responsibility off of itself and on to state governments. so in those states, when a Native woman is raped by a non-Native man, the state is the one with exclusive jurisdiction to prosecute. BUT, when the federal government decided to give states this responsibility, they neglected to also give them extra funding, and tribes, as we all know, don't pay state taxes since they live on the res and are quasi-sovereign entities. states now have a much larger jurisdictional area, much more responsibility for a much larger population, and they have to police this increased area with the same small budget. added to that, there's already hostility between tribes and states when it comes to jurisdictional issues, so states rarely choose to prosecute crimes committed by non-Indians against tribal members.

where does this leave Native women? without remedy for crimes against them. and this is not to say that tribes wouldn't prosecute if they had the authority to do so; many tribes have tribal codes which cover these sorts of crimes. but tribes are also limited in the sentences they can impose under the Indian Civil Rights Act. so, for example, if a Native man rapes a Native woman, the tribe can prosecute, but they can only give the perpetrator either one year in jail, a $5000 fine, or both. and a lot of tribes feel that this isn't enough, so they'd prefer to leave even this sort of prosecution up to the federal government (especially because the government can vacate the sentences if they feel it doesn't measure up to federal standards).

and again, Native women get no remedy.

there's a lot more to it, obviously, since i write 50 pages on it, but this is just a really rough and tumble sort of summary.

it's okay if you don't understand it. i had to literally draw myself graphs and pictures until i really got it. like i said, fed. indian law is ridiculously complicated.


OFF TOPIC:
so not to be 13, but i'm one of those who think the twilight movie people should keep the dude who plays jacob instead of recasting him. i'm not saying he's the best actor, or that he can necessarily handle a leading man role, but come on, you let rp have a leading man role... it's kinda shady (not that that isn't the movie biz as a whole...).

AND, maybe you should have thought of all this before casting him in the first place, no? even if there was only the possibility of a sequel. it's called planning ahead, hollywood studio. little jake fans (of which i, for the record, am not) all over the place are attached to him now. first you change directors, now this? ever thought of changing the screenwriter instead?!

oh, and the dude from oth circa-season 2 as jacob is a no-go, imho.

haters.



reminders to myself for future blogs:

• new camera!
• home!
• decision to take the bar
• writing
• book reviews
• new layout?
  

random additions

1. so i just did about three loads of laundry. i noticed my laundry needed to be done when, a few days ago, i was forced to wear a shirt i haven't worn in 2 years. this happens every semester during finals. anyway, i now have clean clothes (woo-hoo!), and as i'm putting those clothes away in my closet, i'm struck by this alarming realization: nearly ALL of my clothes are solid colored. i just took another look, and i think i can see FOUR shirts with print on them. FOUR! does this make be boring, or consistent? does it mean i'm afraid to try new things, or that i'm a woman who knows my own mind? the things you think about on laundry day...
2. i'd forgotten how much i love missy higgins. here are some of my favorite missy higgins songs. the first one, "sugarcane," is a particular favorite.

first semester almost over!

is it just me, or does it feel like the end of the year, from around mid-november though december, comes in the biggest rush ever? i feel like just yesterday i was getting ready for thanksgiving, and now i'm stressed out over christmas presents and new years plans! where did all my time go?

i think this is a direct result of the mess i've been this semester. up until thanksgiving, i was a certifiable wreck. between class, work, relationship, not seeing my friends anymore, trial, research, future plans, etc., i just felt like i couldn't breathe. and then thanksgiving break came, when a majority of those things were finally done, and i could practically feel tension leaving my body in waves and shifts and floods.

that's when i started taking pages out of elizabeth gilbert's book, "eat, pray, love." i began asking myself, "what do you want to do right now, kahea?" so over thanksgiving break, i rested a lot. i slept a lot. i spent time with the bf. i even watched twilight again (and took N. with me. for the record, it is leaps and bounds better the second time around for some reason, and N. didn't think it was so bad either!). i listened to a lot of music.

and since then, things have been going okay.

• i took my federal indian law final on monday. i almost laughed out loud during the exam. i mean, i pretty much threw up 15 pages of "well, you could argue this, but the court will probably say that, unless they think this, then they'll say that instead, unless you're here, in which case the court will probably follow that other thing..." you get the picture. i'm constantly astounded at how interesting and frustrating fed. indian law is. at how...malleable and subjective it is. and that's the way it should stay i think, at least while these particular nine are on the bench. because let's face it, this bench would screw over all indians if they had the opportunity. maybe not intentionally, but it would happen. it's happened before. facts of life, my friend.
  
• I PASSED THE MPRE! the MPRE is the multistatate professional responsiblity exam that you have to pass in california in order to be admitted to practice law. in essence, it's a component of the bar. and it's really not that difficult, but given both my state of mind at the time i took it, and the fact that i didn't study AT ALL, i'm amazed that i passed. i'm so glad i don't have to retake it. now i just have to take and pass the bar. which i think i've decided to do after all.
  
• i've only got one more thing to do before my break officially starts and i am hawaii-bound: my upper division writing requirement. which also doubles as the article i'm publishing with a law journal. it's due to both my professor and the journal editors on monday, which is fine by me, as i already have 30 pages of it complete. it's another really interesting topic (which i actually rambled on about for nearly 4 pages on my fed. indian law final): the jurisdictional gap in the criminal justice system when it comes to sexual violence against native american women. maybe i could figure out a way to post the article, or a link to it, once it's done....hmmm...
• we exchanged our secret santa gifts yesterday at our christmas lunch for work. which was also my last official day (though i'll probably continue to work next semester remotely and for PAY). i bring this up because i got a gift i absolutely love. i'd been talking to one of my coworkers about the gift-giving marathon N. and i have coming up over the next few months (christmas, 4-year anniversary in january, valentine's day, our birthday in march - yes, we have the same birthday), and how we make wishlists so that the other isn't guessing at gifts. (i also gave the same wishlist to my family for our secret santa as well). on that list, i'd said that i'd love to have people donate money to the world wildlife fund, which is an organization i donate to as much as possible. realistically though, i don't know many people who give to a charity instead of giving a tangible gift to someone, even when that someone says that's what they want. so i was banking on just donating all the money i was given for christmas to wwf's conservation efforts. but my secret santa at work made a donation for me! i think it's always a great idea to ask for donations to causes you find important, and see, it works! best gift EVER!

and speaking of wildlife, here's something to leave you all with. N. found this video and was literally like, "i saw this and realized that this would be your dream come true." he knows me too well. :)

my mood tonight

this song manages to make me want to write and read at the same time. it's one of those songs that calls up vivid pictures and scenes and stories and characters. it's all i want to do in the world.

i was worried that i would never feel that push and pull need to write again. i'm so glad i do.

and oddly enough...well, let me ask this instead: do these lyrics remind anyone else of something?...

Eisley - Brightly Wound

It's happening all the time
When I open my eyes
I'm still taken by surprise
I hold sunlight and swallow fireflies
And it makes me want to cry...

I love you

And I shall never grow up
Make believe is much too fun
Can we go far away to the humming meadow?

We were walking there
And I had tangles in my hair
But you make me feel so pretty
You have shining eyes
Yes like the forest lights
And it makes me want to cry...

I love you

And I shall never grow up
Make believe is much too fun
Can we go far away to the humming meadow?

This place is so lovely
It kind of makes me very happy
Let's go far away to the humming meadow

To the humming meadow

confessions of a shopaholic

so i usually try not to think about my debt. i know it's probably not smart to ignore it, but for the most part, i do. but then there's always that day of the month where bills need to be paid, and you get to see on your little online banking statement that you are not only in debt, but you are actually in uber debt (and, here, i'm differentiating between the immense amount of money i owe on my school loans, and my credit card debt).

by credit card uber debt i mean that you owe more money than you can foresee yourself accumulating over the next year.

realizing this stresses me out. i'll think about it for the rest of the day, and start my trademark snowballing, during which i will go from being a relatively stable law student with money on her credit card, to the homeless woman down the street who looks at you kind of funny. i can't help it.

and, as i explained to the bank of america customer service guy once who was getting fresh with me and speaking like i was some spoiled teenager who didn't know what the hell a service charge was, it's not like i want to be in debt. it's not like i dug myself this hole in a few months. this debt has been growing since my sophomore year of college (though it was manageable back then because i had a job...). i mean, my parents are great but i really haven't been able to turn to them for money for anything since i went away to school. which is how it should be, i guess, but it's hard paying for your education/rent/living expenses/travel home on your own when you're a full-time student with a part-time job. and, unfortunately, for the last three years i've had to survive on a somewhat ridiculous budget given to me by the federal government, and not supplemented by paychecks.

and contrary to what some may think, financial aid is NOT the same as income, people!

but this is an excuse. because the real reason i'm in credit card debt is because i shop too much. this passed weekend, i watched "true life: i'm a compulsive shopper" on mtv. and while i don't go to the extremes those girl go to, i could sympathize. and because i realized earlier this year that perhaps my shopping was getting out of control, i've taken my credit cards out of my wallet, leaving me only my debit card for spending money. this has helped somewhat, in that i can't just charge my urban outfitters or old navy purchases, but it doesn't solve the problem for 2 specific reasons.

1. because my huge-debt credit card is a miles card, and so i put any flights i take on that card. and in case anyone was wondering, flights to hawaii are stupid expensive these days, and (all things considered) not going home is not an option at this point. i also put most of my ireland trip this summer on that card as well (yes, i went to ireland on this debt...i know that probably wasn't the best idea, but travel to me is practically like breathing. it's a necessity). it should, however, be duly noted that because of these massive charges, i can now fly roundtrip to europe on my miles!
2. since my credit cards are out of commission, i put all my purchases on my debit card, leaving me less and less money to pay off my bills with. and honestly, i shouldn't be spending money that needs to go toward making good on my debt.

so i don't know what to do. especially with the holiday season upon us. i love buying things for people. it's fun for me and fun for them, and i don't want to not give people the presents they want (although some people are getting homemade cookies instead of store-bought gifts this christmas). PLUS, i'm rationalizing it all by saying that i'll get a financial aid disbursement at the beginning of january, part of which i'll use to get rid of a good portion of my credit card bill. (then again, i said that last year too).

my only recourse at this point is to stop shopping for myself. and even typing that, i'm thinking, "are you kidding?! what about that top you wanted from urban outfitters? or those earrings you saw in anthropologie? or that bag from target? what about buying that new bookshelf you've wanted from ikea? or all those books you want to read? what about buying music? surely, that can't count..." i mean, it's difficult! it may sound simple and stupid and sort of common sense, but when you shop like i do, and when shopping helps to relieve law school stress like it does for me, not shopping is almost scary.

so here's what i'm going to look forward to instead. these are the things that i'm asking for this christmas that will [hopefully] replace my need to shop by keeping me busy, creative, productive, and excited:

1. joining a gym. not only because i really need to lose weight, but because i want to take some of the classes that are offered at this one gym nearby. now, don't laugh (which you may want to do since, at this point, you all know i'm probably the least coordinated person on the planet), but those classes include hip-hop and salsa dancing/exercise classes. and i want to take up yoga, and possibly pilates. this gym also has a pool, and as i am so much more of a swimmer than a runner, i think i'm set!
2. taking photography classes. i feel like everyone around me can take these stunning pictures of the most everyday, mundane things, and i want to do that. i've always wanted to try it and just never have. this will give me a good chance to learn more about it.
3. writing. K. said to me yesterday (after i complained about how i got an offer to publish another article, but it's not the kind of published i want to be - talk about ungrateful. i've since slapped myself back to humility.) that i can't get what i haven't written published. and if i want to publish fiction, then i have to write fiction first. so i'm going to choose one of the many stories floating around my head and get it out on paper. my lighter school load next semester will help.

i'm not going to list down "worrying about finding a job after law school" because that's stressful, will make me want to shop even more (i.e. shouldn't i buy new clothes for the new job?), and is a whole new post that will be up soon.

wish me luck.

cinderella

i don't know why, but i love this dress like it was my first born. it's in the window of iniam on college ave in rockridge, and i pass it every day on the bus up to cal.

i need this dress. i lust after this dress.

wouldn't it be the perfect new years eve dress???


oh, wow. it comes in white too.


now why does it have to cost $368?! i need to learn to sew so i can create my own knock-offs...

hello december, it's been a while

it is officially the last month of what's probably been the most difficult year of my life. i've been waiting for december to arrive for a while now, and can only breathe a sigh of relief now that it's finally here.

what i'm looking forward to this month:

• going home, obviously! i'll be in hawaii from dec. 17th-30th this year, which will give me the much-needed vacation i've been looking forward to, and will allow me to get my fill of my boondock-y home town until next time.
• seeing my new niece for the first time! she's 6 months old and i haven't met her yet!
• playing with my nephew, who seems to realize his agency more and more each time i see him. why can't they stay 2 years old forever?
• christmas shopping! we need to stimulate our economy people! :)
  
• visiting with my grandparents. probably what i'm looking forward to most, even if it'll most likely mean playing hours upon hours of gin rummy. i miss them like absolute crazy. i've also been wanting to get my family history/stories out of my grandfather, so maybe i'll find time to video record him while i'm there.
• watching the bf bond with my dad over throw-netting and spear fishing. it'll be a sight to see, and i'm bringing my camera.
• reading. i've got a book list as long as my arm. see it on the right hand side of my blog.
  
• reclaiming the tan i've lost somewhere along the way.
• finally finishing my article! it's been months and months in coming, and it'll finally be ready for publication! woo!
• ending what's been the worst semester of my academic career.
• christmas! i love absolutely everything about christmas. i've got lists ready to go and cookies ready to bake.
• writing for fun. i plan on sitting on the patio and writing till my hands fall off.
• the beach. ohhhhh, the beach. ocean so blue it looks fake. sand so warm it burns your feet. *SIGH*
• hilo rain. i know this seems like the exact opposite from the last one, but the fact is that hilo is one of the rainiest places in the united states, with quillayute/forks, WA coming in next of course. it's just that it rains at night (every night). so you go to the beach during the day, then fall asleep to a storm. there's nothing like it.
• seeing some of the bffs for the first time since lehua's wedding in june. it's tradition to go to this italian place and order the same exact thing every single time.
• seeing my mom. i don't know if you can ever miss anyone the way you miss your mother.
  

just 17 days and counting!

happy december everyone!


also, and kind of randomly, i don't know if i've mentioned this before but i think the Lord of the Rings movies are some of my favorite movies ever, which is saying a lot considering how hard it is for me to pick a favorite anything. i decided this over the weekend, since tbs has been playing the movies over and over, and we (meaning me, the bf, and the bf's bff) have been watching them. not only do those movies give me the opportunity to see new zealand again, which can't be discounted (my bf and i met and started dating while studying abroad in new zealand), but they are just ridiculously well-made films.

i've read the books (the hobbit through the silmarilian). i love the books. and i think the movies were such clever adaptations of one of the best stories ever written. i mean, tolkien created an entire world. how do you do that? it's amazing.

damn, now i need to add that series to the book list again...

and finally, i think bella's lullaby is growing on me. put it on repeat and it's great study music. still not sure if i like it as that specific song though...