the ending of this chapter

since most of you have chosen to endure my endless complaints about law school, and have shown a tremendous amount of support through my days of misdirection and self-defeat, i feel it's only fair and right to let you know that the bar results are in.

i didn't pass.

and before you feel sad for me, or worry, you should know that i'm okay.  really.  i'm okay.  in fact, friday was overall a really great day for me.  my sister flew into town, i got off of work early, i went to see new moon, then went up to tahoe for the weekend.  it wasn't until about halfway between home and tahoe (at about 9:30pm) that i remembered the results were released.  i googled it on my crackberry, and lo and behold, i didn't pass.

it hasn't been, and sometimes still isn't, easy to articulate to people the reasons why not passing didn't wreck me last week.  my only explanation is that i had already dealt with it all.  personally, i think i was in a good place with whatever i was going to see when i clicked onto that pass list. 

shortly after the results went public, M., one of my closest law school friends, sent me an incredibly sweet email.  my response to her, copied below, may flesh out my reaction a bit more.

...Yes, it was incredibly difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that this path I chose was perhaps the wrong one for me, or at least it wasn't the right one, and admitting that to you all and to my family was worse.  But the only reason I could do it, and the only reason I got through it and am on my way to finding out what it is I really want to do is because I knew I'd get support.  I knew that you, B. and L. (not to mention N. and my family) would understand and support me, even when it was hard for me to understand and support myself.

Honestly, I'm actually surprised at my reaction to the Bar results.  I really did think I'd take it a lot harder than I did.  And don't get me wrong, I was disappointed.  But I was disappointed in the "I bet it would have been cool to be able to say I passed the California Bar Exam" way.  In the end though, I'd already come to terms with not passing, and with the fact that I essentially chose not to pass, hard as that was.  And, if I'm honest with myself, I think the largest part of the disappointment at not passing comes from my bruised ego; I didn't want to have you all know that I didn't pass (because maybe you'd think I wasn't as smart?).

But once I got past all of that, I realized that, for me, not passing is okay.

Because I still have the best friends ever.  Like you.  And you guys understand.

so this chapter of my life seems to be, for now at least, officially over.  i can't tell you how much i'm looking forward to the next one, whatever it may be.

new moon review!

overall? better.

i've been waiting to give my new moon movie review until i've seen the movie twice, since that's how long it took for the first one to really settle in with me.  i guess i'll just begin this review by saying first that i was really, really excited to see it on opening day.  i'd somehow managed to refrain from looking up every single iota of information and movie stills that leaked prior to the movie, and the lack of it all had me primed and ready to go.  unfortunately, as eager as i was to see the movie, with the first one being what it was i was also mentally preparing myself for a huge let down.

thankfully, for me, it didn't come.  here are my thoughts:

• the amount of beautiful boys in this movie is astounding.  that's all i have to say about that.
  
• who knew that kstew was that pretty?!  those scenes with her running through voltera?  i mean, she's really naturally beautiful, and i know i said this before, but she's completely started to embody who i picture bella to be in my mind.  my one complaint about her, or the way she portrays our heroine, however, is that she tends to blink and huff a lot throughout the film.  while i like it at times because it sort of reinforces whatever feeling she's going through, it got kinda irritating after a while.
• people who say money doesn't matter have never seen a low budget movie.  because twilight was low budget, my friends.  new moon, on the other hand, was not.  and it was either that or the change of director that made all the difference in the world.  i no longer felt that the movie rushed through the book, or that a pivotal scene was just not what it should have been.  the filming was a higher quality, the make-up and costuming was better, i could go on and on but one of the better shots had to be of the pack chasing victoria through the woods while bella was preparing to cliff dive.
  
• i like how, all of a sudden, edward's shiny silver volvo has turned into a shiny black volvo suv.
• dear jacob (and the rest of the pack): please keep your shirts off.  love, every girl in america.
• there are still some cheesy lines in there.  it wouldn't be twilight without them.  but there were fewer, or maybe they were just better camouflaged.  and unlike the first movie, there were actually really good lines in this one too.  my favorite has got to be bella's heartfelt plea with jacob to not make her choose between  him and edward because, "it'll be him.  it's always been him."
• my pet peeve of the movie: the fact that everyone kept referring to the quileute boys as werewolves.  i realize it's a small thing, but am i insane or did the books not make the distinction between wolves and werewolves?
• the chemistry between bella/kstew and jacob/taylor lautner is undeniable.  and while i'm a firmly entrenched team edward gal, i appreciated that this movie made me almost wish i was team jacob.  because that's what new moon is supposed to do, you know?  you're supposed to fall for jake and become just as conflicted as bella is.  this movie sets up eclipse quite nicely in that sense.
• once again, the music was great.  not as great as K.'s new moon playlist, but nearly there.  nearly.
• jessica is such a great portrayal of your classic frienemy.  and she's just so funny.  i missed the supporting cast in this movie a little, but since they weren't really in the book very much, that's understandable.  the scene with jessica, and the other with mike, were great though.  added just enough comic relief without making the movie stupid.
  
• i sort of liked the addition of the letters to alice.  i realize that they're a vehicle for moving the story along, and making sense of bella's voice over's, but i liked that they were letters to alice and not edward, and that it helps you to believe the closeness of bella's friendship with her.
• finally, i have to commend chris weitz on keeping so true to the book and on really making some very smart choices with both lines and direction.  there was so much less of those "wait, this wasn't in the book," or "that wasn't supposed to happen like that!" moments in new moon than there was in twilight, and i loved that about it.  i have to say i'm a little worried about eclipse, now that we've seen both a not-so-great twilight movie, and a great twilight movie.  with yet another new director, who knows how it'll turn out?  particularly since this director once said he'd rather be shot than even watch twilight (which he later apologized for and recanted, obviously.  and no, i don't care if that's understandable.).  he's just such an...edgy?...sort of filmmaker that i worry he really won't care about staying close to the books.  that being said, i'm all for giving him the benefit of the doubt.  and who knows, maybe i'll like it even if he doesn't stay close to the books...eclipse wasn't my favorite anyway.  :)
  

that's me, the glorified secretary sitting in the corner

remember a few weeks back when i went on that interview i thought went badly?  well, as it turns out, it didn't go as badly as i thought, because they called me back for a second interview.  then a third.  and then they hired me.

i am now an organization assistant (read: glorified secretary and all around office bitch) for a nonprofit that works for a very good cause.

the job started about three weeks ago, syncing up perfectly with my lack of blogging, and it has been hectic, to say the least.  my entire first week was spent prepping for a conference that was going to happen during my second week.  my second week was spent traveling to hawaii for said conference, which entailed waking up each morning at 4:30a.m. so i could work until 9:00p.m. that night.  but i can't complain since i got to spend some time with my niece and nephew.

this week, my third week on the job, was spent doing the things you usually do during your first week of work: orienting yourself to a new job, finding out where things in the office are, learning everyone else's working styles, familiarizing yourself with your newfound responsibilities, and trying desperately not to think of all the free time you used to have and how you squandered it away.

it's been tough getting back into the groove of things.  not only is the waking up before 9a.m. part a difficult and reluctant adjustment, but having to report to someone, and having to constantly be "on," hasn't been easy either.

i also realized something somewhat annoying about myself this week: i come across as very young when i feel nervous.  is this normal for everyone?  i just don't feel like i appear calm and collected when i'm attempting to be cheerful at work all the time.  and what is that, this need to be cheerful?  since when have i ever cared if people thought i was cheerful or not?  so i've been hyper conscious in the last several days about how i come across to my boss, who is definitely the most serious personality i've ever encountered.  i'm hoping that he'll just chalk up my nervous immaturity to having just started a new job.

i'm hoping to feel like i actually fit in sometime this year.

either way, i'll keep you posted.

gobble gobble

first of all, happy thanksgiving blogging buddies!  i hope you're all eating lots and lots of yummy foods and spending some quality time with you families.

i thought today of all days would be an appropriate time to reflect on all the things i'm thankful for, and all the reasons i have to celebrate this season!

• i'm extremely thankful for the health of my family this year.  this time last year was a really difficult time for me, mostly because my grandfather had been in and out of the hospital with different illnesses and just the general aging of his body.  while his health isn't what it used to be, he's currently at home with my grandmother, mother, aunt, and family friends enjoying a relaxing day of food.  so i'm thankful.
• i'm thankful for my job.  i think anyone with a job in this economy, no matter what the job may be, should be thankful for it.  i can't even begin to express how much...safer?...i feel now that i have a job.  just overall security, i guess.  i can pay rent, i can pay my credit card bills.  i could even theoretically go shopping if i wanted (though i think i'll be passing up on all the Black Friday hullabaloo this year).
• i'm thankful for the people in my life.  my family, with whom i've had some really fun conversations with lately.  N., who has shown me an incredible amount of support lately.  and my friends, who have also shown me such support, and have kept me light-hearted when things were difficult.
• i have to say that i'm thankful for my growing level of patience.  or, at least, my ability to not show my lack of patience as easily as i used to.  it has saved me a lot of grief lately.
  
• i'm thankful for tradition, and how it makes me feel close to home when home is so far away.  i think i'm a fairly traditional girl, all around, and not all of my family traditions are, well, traditional.  but i still need them, and doing them still makes me feel better, less homesick.  so while having several odd dishes around this years thanksgiving table may not seem like a big deal to some, those dishes are a very big deal to me.  and i'm thankful for them.
• i'm thankful for the fall and the coming winter.  because they are wonderful seasons, and contrary to what the thermometer may read, they make me feel very warm.  N. and i are buying our first christmas tree together this weekend, even though we'll be in hawaii for the actual day, and i am so excited to decorate it.
• and i'm thankful for my life, and all the possibilities it affords me.  i really did believe my parents when they used to tell me as a little girl that i can be and do whatever i want in life.  and they were telling the truth.  so even though i may complain sometimes about feeling stuck and being unsure of my direction, the fact that i even have the luxury of choosing a direction is reason enough to be thankful

here's hoping your day is filled with love, laughter, and food!

courage, the turkey president obama pardoned today.  he will now live the rest of his life in walt disney world.

excuses, excuses

i'm sorry i've been absent lately, but between starting a new job, traveling for said new job, planning little sister's visit this weekend, going away for little sister's visit this weekend, nanowrimo, and the upcoming thanksgiving holiday, november has totally not been a good blogging month for me.

i will be back, make no mistake.

just not tonight.

and so, my dear blogger buddies, i leave you with this:

on books, and writing, and writing books

let me be the first to say that NaNoWriMo is not easy.  it's been less than a week and i'm already behind.  and, boy let me tell you, being behind is not where you want to be.  but the beginning is always the hardest, i think.  and the words are starting to come easier.  i think the more i continue to tell myself that my sentences don't need to be perfect, and my description doesn't need to be exact, the easier it gets.  so while it's been stressful trying to catch up word-wise, it's also been fun. 

and i've also learned something interesting about myself and my writing: i need to see things.  for example, today i tried to write a description about the house that the heroine lives in.  and i'm sitting there thinking, and thinking and thinking.  and then i get my sketch pad out.  two ours later i have drawn out a blue print of the house, upstairs and downstairs.  all of a sudden, i can write it.  because i can see it.

so even if i don't make the 50,000 words -- and i will -- i think this month will be great for my writing and just...me in general.  wish me luck!

and because i've got books on the brain, i wanted to post these beautiful reprints of the penguin classics i saw while browsing around on black *eiffel.  so now, not only can you read and be intelligent, but you can do so in some serious style.  i'm pretty sure they're available at anthropologie, urban outfitters, and, of course, amazon.

my music makes my sister want to die

i grew up listening to hawaiian and local music which, while it doesn't have the same sound, has the same overall feel of country music.  they both have the same sort of family values, don't be disrespectful to women and your elders, i'll take my country over your city any day of the week, style.  so naturally, i also grew up listening to country music, thanks to my mother who was going through her CMT phase when i was going through my i-refuse-to-go-to-pre-school phase.  the first songs i remembered learning by heart include garth brooks's "friends in low places," and various songs by kapena, the ka'au crater boys, and robi kahakalau (who still has one of the prettiest voices i've ever heard).  to this day, i'm still a huge fan.

but when i went away to boarding school, my music preferences expanded to make room for teenage rebellion, angst, heartache, and ambition.  of course i went through my obligatory hip-hop schooling, during which i was introduced to the likes of 2pac, biggie, and yes, mark morrison ("return of the mack," anyone?  you know you listened to it too...).  but i found my level ground when i was in the 8th grade, and i began listening to o'ahu's alternative music stations.  there, i met my thirteen year old heart's soulmates.  bush.  live.  green day.  no doubt.  foo fighters.  everclear.  oasis. (i particularly remember falling asleep to "don't look back in anger").  blur.  i could go on and on and on...

and this genre has remained my go-to pretty steadily throughout the years, with the additions of singer-songwriter, folk, some punk along the way, classic rock, 90's rock, and what i like to call chick rock.

and then one day my older sister, A. (who's a fan of reggae, country and mainstream hip-hop), told me i couldn't choose a radio station in her car because all i listened to was, and i quote, "depressing music that makes you want to die."


...?...


i'm sorry, what?  my music makes you want to die?  i admit it, okay, i like emo, but that doesn't mean i'm the type to sit in a dark room, write poetry and cry all night long.  i just like music that makes you calm and contemplative, and yes, maybe a shade melancholy.  it's better than being obsessed with music that makes you horny and/or violent.  but ever since she told me that, i can't help but take a closer look at my music choices every time i purchase a CD, or make a pandora playlist, or put a song on repeat for the third of fourth time.  not that i think anything would be wrong with me even if i did like depressing music, but i think i just like music that makes you feel something at least.  again, other than horny or violent.

anyhow, this all came up because i'm working on creating a fall/winter playlist at the moment, and i just finished going through the first batch of songs to weedle them down.  yes, they are slow.  yes, they tend to evoke a less than uppity mood when listened too.  but just because they don't make you want to get up and dance around half naked like britney spears doesn't mean they're sad songs!  they just have a very fall-y feel to me, that's all.

none of my pink, kelly clarkson, marie digby, taylor swift or lady gaga songs fit the profile.

(click to see it larger)