When Realization Struck

Every once in a while I'll be hit by some crazy sort of realization which will totally clarify all aspects of my life that have been confusing me lately.

In the months following my arrival at boarding school in the 7th grade, when I was struck with the realization that home would always be there and would always be the same, that I wasn't really losing something I'd already had so much as I was gaining something new, I was able to cope more with -- and eventually get over --  what had been up to that point a debilitating level of homesickness, anger, and childish fear.

In the 12th grade, when I was choosing between the college I really wanted to attend but couldn't afford, or the college that seemed like the better fit for me and had given me a scholarship, realizing that sometimes what I may think is best for me and what actually is best for me aren't always the same things really helped me to make the right decision (and I'm so, so sure it was the right decision all these years later).

This is all to say that I may have just experienced one of those moments again.  

It's no secret that I'm not exactly working in a job that I feel is right for me.  There are a number of reasons for this, but some of the biggest reasons are that it won't get me anywhere near where I want to go, and working at this job doesn't make me happy (almost the exact opposite, actually).  And yet, here I am making excuses for whyI'm still in this position, even while I complain about it daily.  I think, maybe if I keep at it it'll get better, though I know it's unlikely.

Then this morning I found myself thinking about an upcoming meeting I have to travel to, since I'm the point person on it, and I don't want to go.  The meeting is in Hawaii and I still don't want to go, which just tells you in a nutshell where my head is at when it comes to my job.  And so I start coming up with various scenarios for getting out of this meeting, and really, truly, the one I seriously begin considering is, how do I give myself pneumonia during the week leading up to the travel date, because mono would be unfortunate, but I could deal with having pneumonia.

I can't help but laugh now, because it's so ridiculous.  I'm honestly ready to compromise my health to get out of work.  This isn't just calling in sick when you're not actually sick, no this is on an entirely new level of crazy.

And so I guess that's when the realization finally hit home: start looking for other jobs now.  No more wasting time, no more making excuses, no more being afraid or guilty about quitting.  Stop just talking about it and start actually doing it.  Because if I know one thing for certain at this point, it's that this job is not where I need to be.

So, with that said, if anyone has any resources or ideas for The Great Job Hunt, please send them my way.  In particular, I'm looking for jobs that work with, for, or on issues dealing with indigenous peoples.  Law, research, community services, environmental, history, academia, fellowships, anything.  Just something.