The last week has been a really interesting one. It's been full of introspection, allowing myself to try new things and doubt things I thought were practically set in stone. I've given myself permission to make mistakes and be wrong and actually admit it. I've spent more time paying attention to Nate and our relationship than I think I have in a while, and it's made me feel simultaneously really great and really guilty. I've let myself feel that guilt and deal with it rather than deny it or make excuses for myself or push those thoughts to a corner of my mind altogether where I wouldn't have to acknowledge it until it was too late.
I've begun letting myself Dream Big again. And that's huge for me.
One of my biggest accomplishments lately has been in recognizing my own need for control, my fear of failure, and my tendency to snowball every little thing in my life until it becomes the end all, be all. It's gotten to the point where, when I make even minor changes in my life, my best friends will say, "Okay now, don't snowball!" I remember once during my freshman year in college when I was studying for finals for a class that, in the big scheme of things, really meant nothing to me and my future, my mother called. I was stressed out about not having enough time to study and all of a sudden was hysterically crying to her that, if I didn't study, I would fail the exam, I would fail out of college, I would never get a degree, I would have to move home and work at McDonalds for the rest of my life, I would never get married, never have kids, and when I was old and decrepit, alone and homeless, I would die at the end of my miserable life. At that point my mom couldn't help herself and she laughed -- I mean, wouldn't you? I think that's when I shouted something like, "It's not funny, Mom!"
No one ever said I wasn't dramatic.
But that's sort of an indication of where my mind typically goes when I'm faced with possibly making the wrong choices, or when things don't go "according to plan" and I feel like I'm losing control of a situation (or my life). But this past week has been an eye-opening experience for me as I let myself make some plans, change my mind, and be flexible all around. Some pretty big decisions are being made and they completely fly in the face of whatever notions I've built in my head over the last year about what my life is supposed to be. It's...liberating.
I'm finding that it gets easier and easier to accept that moving one or two bricks will not make the whole house come tumbling down.
