perfecting incompetence

adjusting to work has not been easy.  learning the ins and outs of a new organization, getting to know the different working styles of the individuals that make that organization run, and, for me, having to let myself make mistakes on a regular basis has been an almost-nightmare.

because i'm a perfectionist.  i value perfection.  my new boss values perfection.

and i am so less than perfect right now.

there are two reasons i can spot right off the bat that explain my inability to attain that level of performance i'm most satisfied with:

1. it doesn't exist.  perfectionists as a rule like to delude ourselves into believing that we can actually be perfect.  that we can always go above and beyond what was expected of us, that we will never make mistakes, and that those who do make mistakes are simply not paying enough attention or working as hard or using enough common sense.  this may or may not be absolute bullshit.  to even entertain the thought that mistakes won't happen is insane.  and honestly, why would you want to be perfect (other than for your own self-serving need to get praised when you please others)?  how do you learn if nothing you do needs changing?  how do you utilize that time-honored tradition of education through trial and error?  you don't.  and though i know all of this, though this all makes complete sense to me, i still can't help being a perfectionist.
2. nonprofits, as a rule, lack the ability to accumulate, record, and maintain any sort of institutional knowledge.  because of the low pay and the subsequent high turnover rate, there doesn't seem to be any one place or person where someone (say, a new employee perhaps?) can go to learn the ropes.  instead, she (and by "she" i mean "me") is given assignments and asked to complete them in unrealistic time frames.  when she asks someone where something is, or how to do something, or what she's supposed to do about something, she's lucky if she doesn't have to go through every person in the organization just to find out how to go about finding out the right answer.  which inevitably means that the work doesn't get done on time, or it gets done wrong.  and doing both of those things just completely messes with the way a perfectionist operates.

it's not that i don't appreciate having a job, or like the people i work with, or believe in the mission of not only my organization but nonprofits as a whole.  i just hate feeling incompetent, and that's all i've been feeling like lately.

today in particular was a hard one.  a few weeks ago, i was given a [seemingly mind-numbingly simple] assignment for a mailing to go out to certain people in our organization's network.  the problem was that the person who knew anything about anything was on vacation until after the thanksgiving holiday.  fine.  so when she came back last week, i wanted to get the assignment done as soon as possible (particularly since we were on a deadline of placing an order for things we needed for the mailing by the end of day on wednesday) because i was also in the middle of another project that had a deadline of friday and had top priority for me (had to do with donors, and for a nonprofit nothing is more important).  unfortunately, it seemed everything i did for the mailing assignment was wrong.  i presented options, and the options were continually shot down due to some requirement i didn't fully grasp the importance of before doing all the work.  finally, on wednesday (after 5:30pm), after realizing that the mailing project had caused me to fall painfully behind on the donor project, i find something that everyone can agree on and place the order.

(sidenote: the donor project ended up being okay)

fast forward to today, which is when we needed the order to come in because we have certain employees flying into town tomorrow that need the order to complete the mailing project.  i get the box with our order and realize that it's somewhat small.  i open the box.  and flip out.  the order is right (i.e. it serves our purpose)...but it's wrong (i.e. it totally doesn't look like what my boss - or anyone else - wanted it to look like).  it was exactly what i ordered, only i didn't look closely enough at what i was ordering.  in all the frustration, confusion, needing to meet deadline and satisfy all of these crazy requirements (not least of which was an extremely tight budget), i didn't take a close enough look at the specs of what i was ordering.  and we'd had it personalized, so i couldn't return it (not that it would matter, since there would be no time to return it and get a replacement anyway).

so now i feel completely incompetent (how hard is it to get a stupid order right?), and completely irresponsible (didn't i find it necessary to read all of the item details before placing the order?).  and because my boss is as much of a perfectionist as i am, i'm also worried about keeping my job.

needless to say, it's rough start and a worse day.