blogging through my debt: the beginning

i've been thinking a lot about money lately.  maybe because i've been reading Ashley's (of Writing to Reach You fame) new blog A Story of Debt, maybe because all of my student loans came due this month, or maybe it's because it's the season of giving (and by giving we actually mean buying).  any one of these reasons would be enough to get me to take a good, hard look at my spending habits, really, and it's about time too.

so i have a few confessions to make:

• as i know i mentioned in many previous posts, i have a problem with money.  in that i spend it too easily/quickly/arbitrarily/mindlessly/etc.  as N. likes to put it, i tend to "live above my means," or at least i seem to try to.  my family was definitely always one of those paycheck to paycheck households and, now that i'm older, the thought of getting my own electricity cut off, or not making rent, or not being able to pay bills still sends me into severe panic attacks.  but the point is that even though growing up we didn't have, and even though not having was perfectly fine in terms of what we needed most of the time as kids, i still wanted.  so now i spend, regardless of whether or not i have.  my vices include gifts for my loved ones, eating out several times a week, and clothes.  i have a severe, severe addiction to clothes shopping.
  
• my credit card debt (not to be confused with my educational uber debt) is astronomical.  because i want to be completely honest here, and because this will be a way to hold me accountable, i'll confess that my current debt falls somewhere in the vicinity of $13k.  roughly $11,500 of it can be found on what i'll call my miles card, and the other on my little card.  i have about a hundred dollars on a victoria's secret angel card as well.  admitting this is humiliating, to say the least.
  
• when i calculate my portion of the rent and bills, along with my phone, credit card payments and my latest personal hell's angel, the student loan payment, my monthly expenses (not including groceries) total more than half of my monthly income.  because i've been jobless for most of the past several months, i haven't paid my portion of the rent since september.
  
• even now, after having suffered another anxiety attack just this past monday because i didn't have enough for december's rent and all my bills this month, i still want to shop.  i probably want to shop because of all of this.  i've even bookmarked webpages.  it's a sickness.  this will undoubtedly be my biggest struggle.
  

aside from reading Ashley's blog and finding solace in the fact that there just may be others like me out there in the world, as well as talking to some of my closest friends (one of which is living primarily off of ramen at the moment), there are a few things i'm doing to begin to get myself (and my money) under control:

• at the suggestion of a really good friend of mine, J., N. and i have enrolled in Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University.  now, let me just say a few things about this right off the bat:  this will not be for everyone.  i'm not even sure N. likes it right now.  dave ramsey isn't saying anything new or enlightening.  i can guarantee you that you've heard it all before and just didn't/wouldn't/couldn't follow through.  he's also quite preachy, and very Christian.  i sometimes feel like i'm surrounded by the mars hill superfans (holler if you're from seattle!) when i watch his lessons, and i'm only taking them online.  finally, and probably most ironic of all, you have to pay for this course.  it's about money management, about spending less and putting less on credit cards and all that, and yet, it doesn't come cheap.  needless to say, i wouldn't have done it had it not come so highly recommended by someone i've known for years who's gone through it with her entire family.  we've nearly completed the first lesson and i've already realized that i'm not where near where i want/need to be, financially, and i can't just ignore it.
  
• as part of the course, i'm anticipating having to create a budget for myself.  i'm really excited about this.  and i think i can make it work as long as i'm realistic about my budgeting.  i tried to make one last year, but the problem was that i tried to cut myself off from all of my habits cold-turkey.  it just doesn't work.  i left myself no wiggle room for going to a nice dinner every so often, or buying something for myself once in a while.  with the kind of personality i am, under that kind of restrictions i'm likely to just say "screw it" and head on out to Target.  so this time around, i'm really looking forward to creating a workable budget for myself, that also includes AN INCOME!
• i'm getting back to my roots.  somehow, my parents managed to raise an incredible family on very little.  we had food every night, clothes every day, and little luxuries every once in a while that worked perfectly fine.  they did it, and since i'm heading home next week, i thought what better time to pick their brains and get some money saving ideas.
• i have goals this time around.  not just some abstract idea of "saving money," but actual concrete goals that i can work towards if i follow my budget.  here are some of them:  1) i want to create a $5,000 emergency fund, 2) i want to cut up all but one credit card, and 3) i want to save at least $5,000 to use to possibly go abroad for grad school.

i'm going to try and continue to chronicle my own debt struggles and, if you find yourself in a similar boat, i'd encourage you to stop by every once in a while so that you too know you're not alone, and definitely head over to A Story of Debt, where you'll find even more support and an even better read!