the halfway point (of summer, not of life)

i know i haven't been keeping up! i'm sorry! but i've been updating my myspace with pics practically daily! that has to count for something, right?!

and honestly, i've just been really out of it lately. i feel like i've been walking in this heavy...fog, and there's no where to really go because you can't even see the shit that you're about to fall over. it's just been an off sort of week, i guess.

i don't know. i feel...trapped? well, no...stuck, i think is what i'm looking for. and not in my personal life, but more in my professional life. i mean, i'm on this track, right? this "law school" track, this "elite" (whatever the hell that means) track, this friggin' ONE WAY track to some sort of future that is just so damn SET that i feel suffocated half of the time. on one hand, i have these GREAT internships this summer, working on human/indigenous rights and debt relief and things that are going to be sent to the UN, and that's the whole reason i'm in law school, to get to do these things. and on the other hand, when i think up a dream job, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the law. NOTHING.

and i know i've always told myself that the law degree is a means to an end, a way to getting my life into a position where i can actually DO the things i want to do (and if you know me, you also know that this has something to do with a small town near the ocean, and a bookstore owned by yours truly), because let's face it, i don't exactly come from a background where money is just flying out of bulging pockets, do i? but this is just taking so damn LONG. and what if it never happens? what if i never get the job that will bankroll my dreams? what if i end up poor and up to my ears in law school debt, with a job i hate but can't afford to lose, and no time whatsoever to do any of the things i've always wanted to do?

i want to travel.
i want to read.
i want to write.

i want to settle.

and i just want to get out of this horrible mood. i'm exhausted.




eew. N.'s dog just farted in my room.