look after you

my grandfather's in the hospital again. second time in one month. and i feel lost. it's so hard to be so far away when so much is going wrong.

i know that at a certain point i have to face reality. he won't be around forever. and the years seem to be getting shorter and shorter as we go.

but i just don't think i can deal with that. i don't know how. i don't know if it's possible. he's so much a part of my life and who i am. he helped to raise me. he's just as much of a parent to me as my actual parents are. what do i do when i no longer have that? how do i move on from that?

i don't deal with this kind of thing very well. my mind just won't. i hate being comforted because it makes the loss that much more real. i've always been that way. the hugs and apologies make me feel worse rather than better. they throw the situation in to such stark relief that all you can see is where you've been and not where you're going anymore. and i can feel myself working so hard to emotionally resign myself to the inevitable. to work around to acceptance before it happens. and i just can't.

i don't know what to do. he's so breakable. and he must be so tired.

and i'm so useless.

why are we always so useless when it matters most?