you have my attention

it's been a really, really bad week.

bad month.
bad semester.
bad year.

i find myself in this place right now where my life, and i know i've said this before, but my life is a mess. and i don't know that it really is, but i feel like it is. i feel like nothing's where i want it or need it to be. i'm not going in the directions i want or need to be going. i feel like i made some bad choice somewhere along the way and have lost sight of who i am and what i want to do.

and i know a lot of this is grief. my grandfather is in the hospital again. this would be in addition to the time i wrote about it my previous post. this makes it three times in the last month. his body is just...shutting down. his heart rate is slower. that's what really scares me. a slower heart beat. slow it down enough...

so i know that so much of what i'm feeling right now and what i'm going through is grief and anger and helplessness and homesickness and fear. and i know it's only going to get worse. over the next couple of months, my life is going to be a wreck. i'm going to be a wreck.

and i'll throw myself into my bad habits again because they make me feel like i can NOT care and be fine. i found myself thinking about that yesterday. about how i was wishing i had really bad habits, or that i could restart old bad habits. i want my tattoo this weekend. i wish i was a smoker. i wish i drank excessively. i wish i stayed out late and did stupid things. i wish i could blow off school and sleep in till noon. and a few other bad habits that are just a bit too graphic and personal for me to discuss even here.

but i won't do those things. well, not all of those things.

i just wish i could. because my life feels like one big spiral right now, and it's getting away from me. i want to take some of that control back and i don't know how, nor do i know if i would be brave enough to do it even if i knew how.

what were my bad choices? where did i go wrong? where did i lose sight of myself? is this the lesson i'm supposed to be learning?

i worry that what's happening to my grandfather, and the way it's making my life seem so...not my own...is taking its toll on all other aspects of my life.

or if it's just forcing me to acknowledge what was already there. that's a scarier thought though.


sorry, this was so convoluted.
at least it'll give you a good look at where my head's at right now.

and because it's been on repeat lately and i am in complete awe:

Copeland - You Have My Attention

Quiet now.
Your voice seems miles away
but somehow I hear your song resound
A little bit softer each day
And from my tired heart, a little bit farther away.

I’ll sing along
The whole day through.
Just do your best to hear me.
It’s all you can do.

You have my attention
Like you’ve had all the while,
Since that first day when you made my heart smile,
With loving eyes and tired sighs that follow.
You have my attention
Like a shout through an empty sanctuary.
Speak but a whisper;
I’ll hear a sermon

I’ll sing along
the whole day through.
Just do your best to hear me.
It’s all you can do.

I’ll sing along
the whole night through.
While you sleep safely,
I’ll be thinking about you.

You have my attention.