one way streets

i'm feeling sad again tonight for no good reason. i mean, i could think of a thousand reasons, but none of them are good enough. i think i'm just scraping the bottom of the barrel energy- and emotion-wise. i can feel myself on this one way street to burnout and i just can't make myself get off.

and in the midst of this, there's this irritating question lingering in the back of my mind that just refuses to go away: after i graduate from law school, if i choose not to take the bar and not to become a lawyer, what will i do?

it's terrifying, to say the least.

i'm one of those people that needs direction in life. i've built my future in my head already and it's all contingent on this next step. on graduating and getting a job. on being a lawyer. and lately i've been wondering if i even want that future anymore.

do you have any idea what it does to your head to question this much of who you are?

what do you do when your plan doesn't seem as good as it once did? do you cut and run? find another plan? find another future? realize that you're still young, you haven't signed a contract in blood, you can change?

or do you stick it out? say, "suck it up, you're getting everything you want!"? do you power through until [hopefully] the feeling of discontent and utter...sadness...passes?

i guess i thought i was done with the drastic changes. so stupid to think so, right? but i thought that i had it figured out (and those of you who really know me are rolling their eyes right now). i mean, i honest to goodness thought that i would want to do what i'm setting out to do, and i'd want to do it for the foreseeable future. and i'm one of those people who almost stubbornly clings to my decisions. which is why i'm where i am right now, i guess.

and it's not just the career part of my life. it's others. but i think those are still a little too scary of prospects for me to face. i'll have to soon. i know i will. but i don't think i can just this minute. call me a chicken, i don't care.

i don't know. i don't think i'm making sense. i'm going to stop, try to gather my thoughts, get some work done, and hopefully write a little later this week with a clearer picture for you all.



in other news, my happy music playlist is growing!