over break, my mother said something interesting to me. i tried talking to her about the fact that i'm not sure i still want to be a lawyer. i tried talking to a bunch of my family about that and got the same stunned disbelief from everyone. none of them can understand why i would pass up the opportunity to get such good paying jobs when i have them at my fingertips. i guess a part of me still understands that. it wasn't too long ago that my driving force was the fear of being poor again. it's not an easy life, and i can see why my family, my parents in particular, need to believe that i'll go through with becoming a lawyer. i'm the first college graduate in my family. i'm the first to go to law school. i'm the first to, in the most conventional senses of the word, "succeed." so for my mother, hearing me say that this career that i've worked so hard for may not be what i want must be terrifying.
i've never not known what i wanted. in fact, i may be the only one in my family who has ever set out to do something ambitious and followed through with it. it's what i'm known for. my stubborn ambitious drive. if i will something to happen, it'll happen simply because i refuse to accept anything less. i guess the fact that i wasn't a hot success at law school (aka, i'm not top 10% in case you're wondering) has kinda showed me what all that stubbornness has got me: not a whole lot.
i'm not happy. that's just the bottom line. i'm not happy.
and when i sit and think about what really makes me happy, i can think of things i'm interested in (indigenous rights and policy, environmental and wildlife conservation) and the things i'm passionate about (writing, travel). and so over break, i told my mother that i really want to write something. i want to write a book. now, this is a huge confession for me, to say this out loud and approach it, well, realistically.
and my mother says this: "well, maybe you need to do that. maybe you just need to get it out of your system before you get a real job."
i almost died on the spot.
how can my mother, this woman who loves me so much, who comforts me through any hardship, who knows me so well, actually know me so very little when it comes down to it?
sigh.
all this is just to say that i've started writing again. tonight. i've started writing for fun, for myself, and it feels like it's been forever since that last happened.
maybe i'll get it out of my system.
but i doubt it. this is me. this is who i am. and one day i'll let them see that, and they'll understand.
other than that, here's some fluff for you:
- i'm obsessed with O.A.R.'s "shattered" at the moment. i predict it'll be on repeat for the next several days. but it's inspired me, so i'll just go with it, as usual.
- if you're following me on twitter, you know i've become a fan of "the city". i wasn't huge on "laguna beach" or "the hills" but for the some reason, i love this spin-off. there's just something about it. maybe it was that whitney found an apartment in tonight's episode, and i'm desperate for an apartment at the moment. i need to move out. need. but if that's not it, then hot jay doesn't hurt either. incidentally, tonight's episode also had the best song placement that i've heard in a while. you tube it. the last scene with beyonce's "if i were a boy".
- i've begun the ever-looming post-graduation job search. here's what i've got so far: i'm applying for an internship (another internship! will i never get a real job?) with penguin group, as well as a 1-year associate position at random house. yes, those are publishing houses. no, they have nothing to do with law. yes, they are in new york city. and yes, i do realize i'm in a long-term monogamous relationship with a high school teacher in the bay area. (we'll deal with this when/if the time comes). i'm also applying for a few fellowships, which are in fact legal in nature (including the one at the firm i'm currently at), a public policy publishing internship, and one internship position located in wellington, nz. yes, new zealand. SO, here's my plea to everyone out there (readers, commenters, lurkers alike), if you come across any interesting open positions in the fields of public interest law, public policy, indigenous rights, environmental rights/law/protection, wildlife conservation, publishing, editing, travel, writing, and/or research, please send them my way (mandyland67@gmail.com). lol. until the writing thing pans out, this is obviously my search for a REAL job.
3 comments:
mothers are just like that. at least a lot of them are. they still love you and want you to be happy but they cannot help but say what THEY think is best for you. it's like hard-wired or something. good luck with the job search and have fun writing!
i was asked by a former coworker, "when are you gonna give this up and start a real career? you seem too smart to be in this business."
to which my response was, after a short period of silence, "whenever going to shows and hanging out gets old."
and he said, "fair enough."
my parents are a little different. my mom has no concept of what i do for a living no matter how many times i try to explain it to her, and my dad just reminds me every once in awhile, out of the blue, that i'm never too old for grad school.
i think it's every parent's wish to see their child happy. unfortunately not every parent has the same definition of happy as their child. and not every parent has the same definition of "success." fortunately for us children, i don't think it's our REAL job to let our parents live out their lives through us.
if you don't have happiness then what exactly do you have?
keep writing. make decisions for yourself. everything else will fall into place.
awww sweetie - before my mom finally decided law was a respectable career (sometime in 2007), she greeted me frequently with, "you're [insert age] and you haven't accomplished anything."
and one more thing: follow your dreams! after all, this whole JD/lawyer thing is my ruse to one day teach international human rights to undergrads and consequently get winter/summer vacations again.
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