a girl can dream

i've found myself thinking of dream jobs lately, mostly because i've just graduated and am on the verge of having to find a job myself. barbri (which is a course you take in preparation for the bar exam) started just last week and i'm already wondering exactly what i was thinking when i signed on. why am i taking the california bar? no, let me rephrase: why am i taking the most difficult bar exam in the country when i'm not even sure if i want to be a lawyer?

because i'm scared i don't have any other options?

because i'm too stubborn to stray from the path i've already laid out for myself?

because i don't know what else i'd do?

how about a strange, mish-mash of all of the above.

i'm terrified that i don't have the skills to do any other job. this is lunacy, i realize that. i'm a lawyer for crying out loud. i've completed one of the most rigorous studies out there, and have work experience in both the public interest and private sector. my research and writing skills are pretty decent, and i can get great recommendations if and when i need them. all of this i know, but still i worry. am i too specialized? prior to law school, i was an administrative assistant for five years. other than being a lawyer and a receptionist, what can i do?

i also recognize that i may just be too stubborn to admit defeat. i mean, i decided to become a lawyer. i've made it through - maybe not so gracefully, but successfully at the least - the three years of hazing i often feel like law school is, have worked really hard and learned a lot, have incurred an obscene amount of debt, and am forcing myself through to the bar. my family has supported me, my friends have put up with me, and N. hasn't yet decided to drop me for greener pastures. so after all of that, there's a part of me that just wants to scream, "suck it UP already!" i'm almost at the finish line, you know? it's the deep breath, and i'm taking it. so why back down now? and yes, if i'm perfectly honest, there is a part of me that just doesn't want to disappoint my family, my colleagues, those who have put their time and energy into training me, and myself.

and finally there's the question of what else i'd even do were i not to become a lawyer. i can't think of a single rational, responsible thing to do with myself. i mean, yes, okay, i do have a dream job that you all probably already know about. in my ideal world, i'd be a writer. i'd spend my days working from my home office (which i now have! - will post about later), or on my mac laptop (which i will one day have again) in some cafe researching and writing. i'd be published, i'd be able to pay the bills, and i'd love every second of it. eventually, i'd use the money i earned to open a bookstore/cafe. i even have a name picked out, so much like an expectant mother, but i'll refrain myself from gushing. it just isn't reality, you know? how many people out there want to be published writers? millions. how many actually are? not millions.

i am a not million. i am a not million at my dream job.

but it won't always be that way.

so what about you? what's your dream job? are you doing it now? if yes, how's it going? is it everything you hoped it would be? if you're not working at your dream job right now, are you working towards it? or have you, like myself and so many others, almost resigned yourself to the fact that maybe the dream job was always supposed to be just that - a dream?