for the passed two weeks, i've barely spent any time outside of class studying for the upcoming bar (which, hahaha, is now less than a month away!). i go to class for 3-4 hours each day, then come home, stare at my outlines, and retain absolutely nothing.
and i know i should be worried. i should actually be freaking the eff out. any sane person would be. but i'm not. i think i've figured out why:
- before barbri even began, i promised myself that i wouldn't let it beat me. this course, this exam, these 2 months of hell would not get the better of me. it would be over my dead body that law school would get one more nervous breakdown out of me. so here i am, doing whatever i think is healthiest for me. even if it's blowing off the california bar exam. i'll still try my hardest when push comes to shove, but i won't let it kill me in the mean time. i'll study when i study, and when the day draws nearer i know i'll buckle down because a part of me just hates to fail at academia, but i can't let myself get lost in this again. i whole-heartedly stand up and refuse.
- but i'm also not freaking out because a part of me, and i don't know how big a part of me yet, just doesn't care all that much right now. i mean, the fact of the matter is that, comparatively, i almost have it easy. i don't need to pass the bar. unlike so many of my friends and fellow barbri students, i don't want to practice law, so any job i may get in the future isn't contingent on my passing. my driving force at this point is that i don't want to face the, well, embarrassment of not passing (particularly since, fyi, anyone and their mama can go online in the fall and find out who passed and who failed the bar exam). i don't do failure well, so the humiliation will be a hard pill to swallow should i not pull myself together soon.
but i have to admit that there are moments when the exam tries (and nearly manages) to get the better of me. i'm talking about those times when i hear the way others are coping with it. when i hear the guy behind me in class saying that he's going to be doing 1 essay and 1 hour of mbe's a day, along with reviewing and shortening his outlines, it makes me either want to kick myself or throw my book at him. when i hear friends freaking out because the answer they wrote for their practice essay wasn't exactly like the model answer, i want to put my head down, close my eyes, and scream. and when i see the exam getting the better of others, it makes me feel like i should let it get the better of me too, because maybe that's what it'll take to succeed.
but this happens less and less frequently now since i've learned to just pop my earphones in and blast music from the likes of paramore to van morrison to muse to jack's mannequin. that's how i'm coping with the burnout from three years of law school which felt like 10 years in prison. music, and shutting everything else out.
N. and i also just adopted a dog, which helps me slack off, but more on that later. :)
