happiness and adventure

i'm not a very creative personality.  i'm not artsy, or musically-inclined.  i don't write poetry or dye my hair crazy colors.  i don't play instruments, or garden, or even know how to put make-up on very well.  my wardrobe tends to be made up of solids and denim, and my more obvious areas of interest are very stable, secure, subdued interests in general.

the only thing i seem to really have that's somewhat "off" about my otherwise hum-drum personality is this strong current of wanderlust i've got running through me.

but it didn't always used to be like this.

i used to write, a lot.  i wrote poetry and short stories and observations for every day of the week.  i played instruments, too.  piano, ukulele, clarinet, violin, flute.  and there was a definite phase in my life where i dyed my hair colors my mother would cringe at.  i even wore prints and patterns!

and i just don't know what happened to that girl.  because she seems so far from who i am now.  i talk about her, and it's like describing a curious relation that i remember wanting to be like once upon a time.  the me i am right now idealizes her to some extent, because she was carefree and ambitious in ways that i'm not anymore.  yes, she wanted security, but she embraced the not having it just yet.  she understood that it would all come one day, and she enjoyed the time she had to be a little wild because she knew somehow that those years were numbered.

did i just grow up?  is that what we all do?  do we all put away our childish things and have that be that?  relegate them to a few pages in our photo albums to talk about at class reunions and with people who just can't believe you got that piercing, or that tattoo?  i think i've been trying to do that.  maybe because that's what i felt you did when you became an adult, when you graduated from college.  or maybe because i genuinely wanted to put away my childish things. 

but i don't anymore.  because what's so bad with being a little childish?  with maintaining that sense of wonder and fun?  i'm at a point in my life where i feel like i went from one extreme to another, and now all i'm left with is this life devoid of all creativity and fulfillment.  and it's taken me this long to realize that i can't live like that.  it wasn't just being an attorney that i didn't want, it was the fact that i felt like being an attorney left me no room to be any of the other things i wanted.  on the other hand though, when i imagine just picking up and leaving the country to roam the world and earn money as i go, i get so anxious i want to throw up, so that's obviously not what i want either.

it's the balance of the two that i'm looking to strike.

so yes, i still want a real job.  i need that security and stability.  and money.  but i'd also like that job to allow me to do a certain number of things i feel i need in my life.  because i think i need that creative outlet, that sense of adventure.

is that too much to ask from life?  happiness and adventure?

i hope not.