dear blogger, i've missed you

so the end of may and the start of june passed by in a blur of stress and tears, and here i am sitting on the other end of all of that and feeling a little worse for wear.  i'm trying to take this time in my life philosophically.  i'm trying to tell myself that these days will help to build my character, and my frustrations will only make me appreciate the good later on.  that, although i may not feel appreciated, and although i may not see the fruits of my labor first-hand, i am helping to make a small difference somewhere.  i'm trying to convince myself that this will all be worth it in the end.

i'm not always successful.

but if nothing else, at least this job (and these last 2 months in particular) have really clarified for me some things that i had remained somewhat on the fence on until recently.  those things are that: 1) this is not the sort of job i want or will ever have again.  2) i've been forced to really look into that mysterious future of mine and decide what next steps to take -- namely, to go back to school.  and 3) really and truly, the only important thing in life is that you are happy in every way (no small feat, right?).  because if you aren't happy in the aspects of your life which you value the most (i.e. your personal life, your professional life, your creative life, etc.), the dissatisfaction and unhappiness festering in that one arena will bleed into all others.  then where will you be?

my unhappiness in my professional life has definitely been bleeding over lately to the point where it's taken so much energy to even muster up the desire to pay any attention to the other parts of my life.  that's where my blogging suffered.  as much as i didn't want it to be, the stress of the day just made blogging turn into another item on this already too long list of things i felt i needed to do, when all i wanted to do was stare off into space for a minute or two.  and i also didn't want to fill these posts up with all the crap i'd been going through because, when push comes to shove, those aren't the things i want to remember or want known.

but things are better now.  or, at least, they're getting better.  i'm learning to put myself first when it comes to my job, even if that means that i need to start looking for another one (i'm sure i will write more about the job search pros and cons as i move forward with that), and i'm also learning to try and leave my job at the office so that i can come home and be a whole person for N.  because after dealing with me for the past month, he really has proved himself to be one of the best people i know.

all this is to say: i'm back, blogger.  and i've missed you.