weekend in review

took a short trip to seattle this passed weekend and miss it more now then ever. i always forget how green washington is. when you fly out of oakland, every piece of land you see that isn't covered in cement is a yellowish-brown. then when you fly into sea-tac, everything that isn't covered in cement is trees. and things are starting to change color there, so its extra-beautiful. fall is my favorite time of year. it just makes me want to bundle up, walk in boots over wet, reflective sidewalks to the nearest starbucks and get a pumpkin spice latte that i probably won't drink. i just like the smell of it.

it was weird being back in the udistrict though. as we drove through (heading to hawaiian bbq - woo!), i realized that i'm older than practically everyone i saw! and it was sad in a way, because for the most part, none of my friends really lived in the udistrict any more. areas around university districts are so transient. you'll never be able to come back in ten years and think, "hey, my friend joe schmoe lives there," because the fact is that there have probably been dozens of kids who have lived there after joe.

and seattle, on a rainy night, can seem oddly lonely too. not a bad lonely, just...lonely.

visiting also made me think of how people change, and don't change, at the same time. for example, i haven't seen my freshman/sophomore roommate kina since i moved down to the bay two and half years ago. and yet, it's like we've talked every day the whole time. i mean, give or take the fact that we're catching each other up on our lives. and i got to see anthony, kina's fiance, and another of my first washington-friends. we hugged and it was like being enveloped in a big brother.

i saw other friends too, of course. my junior/senior roommate will be moving down to the bay this weekend, so there's no real reason to miss her. but it's still stunning to realize that she's getting married soon. she has this amazingly beautiful wedding dress (and i'm picky about what wedding dresses i find pretty), that she's going to wear with these awesome red peep-toes. she has her wedding planned out and i feel so out of touch with everything. we talked about her best friend (who happens to be one of mine as well) and the fact that i know next to nothing about that girls life anymore. i can't even remember that last time we talked. there was just a...losing touch...that happened. it made me so sad.

and i saw one of my best friends from back home who's moved up there and has this new, amazing life working for an indie record label and being friends with interesting people and band members, etc. sometimes i feel so out of touch with her life as well. like we have so little in common anymore. but there are ties there that i refuse to let sever. she's been in my life too long to ever let her be out of it, you know?

i guess i've realized that the changes in myself i didn't see happening were happening just the same. for example, this passed summer, one of the quints got married, so it was the first time we all got together since graduation night of highschool. and these girls - women, now - are my best friends. absolute rocks in my life. one in particular. and yet, we have to work to keep the conversations going and to find things to talk about. it was so unnerving that i actually had to bring it up with them so we could talk about the awkwardness. i'd never felt that before, but then again, i hadn't seen them since i was 18. so this is sort of how it felt a little this passed weekend. and M. is the one to point out that it's because we've changed so much. so much.

it was sad to realize. but nice too, because we were still there, trying to meet on common ground. trying to find something to discuss the way we used to discuss the most trivial things. it's reassuring to know that we value each other that much.

on that note, my mom did me a HUGE favor this passed weekend and rummaged through storage to find some of my things from high school. she's sent me my yearbook from senior year, complete with signatures and goodbye notes. and she found my diaries. OMG. the diaries of a 16 year old! it's incredible how hard and wonderful at the same time it is to read these thoughts. we're so invincible at 16. so sure and unsure of ourselves at the same time. so confident in our friends, and so engrossed in our little intrigues. and it's just interesting to read what i wrote when i was that girl.

The sky is so beautiful right now. The lights of the island end so quickly, then the horizon goes from red to pink to orange and yellow before fading into a light blue. The mountains are so darkly silhouetted against that yellow. Then it's nothing but a cloudless dark blue expanse with a crescent moon and the north star accessorizing such a beautiful night. Definitely one of the prettiest nights of the year. Far to pretty for me to feel so...discontent. - Oct. 29. 2000

What exactly is destiny? I mean, do we really control our own? Because if we do, then how can we be "meant to be" with one person? How do you know that this one person is...your destiny? Does that mean that all your life you were just waiting for them? All the while you were feeling so strongly about other people, were you really just waiting for someone better to walk into your life? - Nov. 28, 2000

i'm not going to lie. the diaries from my junior and senior year are full of a boy. but i have a feeling that's not atypical. it's just so entertaining/embarrassing to see what i put myself through over something so...not real. i wasn't an adult and i thought i was. i wasn't mature and i thought i was. but i think the funniest and scariest thing of all is that the person that 17 year old was isn't as far as the person i am now thought she was. i can still see myself. i still do some of the same things. and now, years later, i can look at what i did and see patterns, see myself and my habits forming. see my defense mechanisms refining and my ideas on life and love taking shape.

it's an educational experience to realize that you've grown up, but not so much that who you are is a stranger to who you were.

i have this favorite line from "jane austen's book club" that i always think about when i think about those years. it's when prudie and her husband are fighting in their hotel room because she thinks he was flirting with her high school nemesis. and she tells him that this woman was terrible to her in high school. and he says that high schools over. and she just looks at him, crying, and says "high schools never over."

so true in some ways. and i'm so glad it's not true in so many others.