i think it's because i've finally reached that age where friends of mine are settling down, but i've recently begun to feel like i'm falling behind in my own personal rat race. it just seems to me that a lot of people my age are finding and beginning their careers, are planning weddings and getting married, are considering children (if they don't have them already, friends of mine in hawaii!), and probably most astounding of all, are buying homes.
i thought our economy was in the toilet?!
and it's not that i'm not happy for them. i think it's more that i envy them their...security? confidence? direction? because i'm no where near any of that. i'm not even in the same ballpark, arena, city, state or country. i might as well be off planet. most of it's by choice (perhaps everything but the home-buying), yes, i take full responsibility for that. but is something wrong with me for not wanting those things yet?
in my head i know that's a stupid question. of course nothing's wrong with me. if anything, i should consider myself smart for knowing that i'm not ready for marriage or children yet, right? then maybe it's just the small town syndrome that's ingrained in me or something, because where i grew up i might as well be a spinster if i'm not [married and/or] having kids by the age of 25. my mother had had three children by the time she was my age. my sister was planning her second pregnancy. when i log on to facebook, i see that so many of the people i went to high school with have kids already (not just one, plural). and to some extent, it's not just me being crazy; my own mother has reminded me that i'd better not wait too long before i start my baby machine, my older sister keeps reminding me that i'm not getting any younger, and nor are her children, so i'd better hurry up and give them cousins, and even my grandfather has asked me why N. and i haven't gotten married yet.
because i'm not ready! i'm sitting here, not having a single clue as to where my life is going, and you want me to get married, have kids, and take on a mortgage? i don't even have a job!
and then there's the part of me that keeps thinking: are you really going to start a MA/PhD right now? or not even now, in 2 years? won't you be a little old for that? won't you be like, 33 by the time you graduate, if you're lucky? are you supposed to wait until that's over before you get married and have kids (i.e. grow up)? and if you're honest with yourself, aren't you just spinning your wheels, trying a bunch of things out hoping that you hit the right one somewhere along the way? do you think you have the luxury (read: money) to do that? who are you, rockerfeller?
yes, i realize i sound insane. i realize people do what i'm doing all the time, and people get married while they're in school, and people wait to have kids until a little later in life. i guess this just sort of goes against my breeding or something. i always thought i'd be a relatively young mother, that i'd be about 26 when i got married, and about 28 when i had my first kid, that i'd have a career by then and be sort of like super woman, doing it all spectacularly and making it look easy. but i'm realizing now that, while the dream is nice, the component parts aren't what i want yet. and i think it's just a little hard to let go of that dream and face this sort of crazy uncertainty that my life's become.
ulgh. for the record, i totally didn't mean to bum anyone out.
October 13, 2009
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3 comments:
I can relate to so much of this. In the past few years, I've moved so many times for school, jobs, etc that I've never stayed any place long enough to "settle down." I feel threatened by people my age who are married and buying houses and all that grown up stuff, because I'm applying for fellowships and thinking of moving again - which will just continue to delay the number of years until I can even think of being "settled."
So you're definitely not the only one in this state.
i believe you were the one who told me not to judge my life by everyone else's timeline.
honestly, it might seem like you're behind, but you're not. take it from someone who is still single, has no savings and keeps questioning her career choice.
you can't live your life relatively. and seriously, you have like 50 years to settle down. the rest of your life. what's the rush?
no offense to all those other people, but do you really want to be...ordinary?
My best friend and I always joke, because we were just so sure we'd both be married by 26 (at the latest!), and we're both turning 26 before the end of the year. I'm a little bummed that I have no one to marry, but I can't imagine getting married right now even if Rob Pattinson asked me to!
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