I've been wondering lately about the things in my life I would have done differently if I had the chance. There aren't that many since I'm a pretty firm believer that everything happens for a reason, but there are still things I would have liked to tell myself, bits of comfort I would have liked to both offer and receive. But since time travel is -- as far as I can tell -- impossible, here you go. The letter I wish I could send to my younger self.Dear 12-year old me,
Ugh. Well, here you are, 12 years old and hating just about everything right this second, huh? You've been dreading this year for a while now, I know. Mostly because you've been terrified of the changes that you saw coming and the uncertainty it was introducing into your once-stable childhood. That's why I thought this would be the right time to send this letter. So here goes!
First, I need you to know that I love you. And so, by default, somewhere deep down you love yourself too. I know things seem difficult in your life right now and it's hard to see the good in yourself sometimes, but I promise you that there will come a day in the not-so-distant future where you'll be able to look at yourself honestly in the mirror and say those three magical words. So again, I love you. (Go ahead, close the bedroom door and yell it. No one will here you. I'll wait....Done? Okay, moving on.)
Now that that's out of the way, there are a few things I wanted to tell you, things I think you should know and things that will make life so much easier and enjoyable for you over the next several years. Please bear with me (and no rolling your eyes).
I guess I'll start by saying that you need to stop telling mom that you hate her for sending you away to boarding school. Cut her some slack. She did this for your own good and you're going to realize that. So tell her the truth instead. Tell her you love her, and tell her you're homesick and you miss her more than anything. She'll cry, you'll cry, and soon you'll move on. I promise you that you'll move on, so stop hurting yourself the way you are thinking that no one knows. I know. And it needs to stop because you have way too much to live for. That boarding school is one of the best things that has ever happened to you, and in a few months (yes, only months) you'll hit your stride and the next six years of your life will fly by before you even know it. And you'll regret wasting your time now on tears.
Speaking of the next six years, here's some advice: Cherish those friendships you're making, because they really are going to last you a lifetime. Call home and talk to your sisters often, because they are and will always be little pieces of you that you'll ache for sometimes. Also, when shit gets hard, and it will in a couple of years, don't be afraid to get help. Fast. Talk things out, be honest, and accept that things will be alright -- especially when you rid your life of toxic people. Those friendships I told you to cherish? You'll know which ones they are by the people you run to in the middle of what feels like worst year of your life so far. And after that storm passes comes some pretty amazing times (uh, just don't let your infatuation with that one boy define your life for so long. He's cute, yeah, but come on....he's not that cute). And don't worry so much about your family -- they'll be fine, no matter where they are in the world.
Then your life will simply open up as you head to college. It's wonderful, it's crazy, it's life-defining and will make you into the person you want to be. You travel...can you imagine? You get to see parts of the world you've only ever dreamed of. You study wonderful, interesting things, you make even more life-long friends, you create memories that will make you smile years after they've happened. You learn to live in your life instead of somewhere in your fantasy future -- that's so, so important. And you fall in love. With that loves comes a lot of new situations for you, a lot of choices you'll have to make, a lot of firsts. I know you think you know your own mind right now, but I want you to know that, when you choose to follow your heart instead, don't be so afraid. It may be a roundabout way of getting to where you're going, but you'll manage.
Here's a little suggestion though: when considering your next steps after college, don't be so scared of leaving academia for a while. Because if you let that fear make this decision for you, you may regret it for years to come. Follow your heart, follow your mind, don't be afraid to stray from The Path that you've set before you -- detours are where the real value of life is found. So wander a little bit, and just see where you end up. You have Big Dreams, and you should dedicate your life to following them.
So here's one last, gentle request: please be kinder to yourself. You can't be perfect because perfection just doesn't exist. What you can be is honest and true and good. So brush and floss twice a day, exercise as much as you can, eat well, live green, study and keep in touch with friends and colleagues, spend quality time with your loved ones and don't let them pick up after you. Get out of that job you hate as fast as you can, write often and laugh a lot.
Can't wait to see where we end up,
Soon-to-be-27-year-old-me
