changes and renewals

after writing yesterday's post, i was left thinking about my new year's resolutions. i don't think there's been a year in my life where i've gone back and checked in to see how i was doing with my resolutions, and i definitely have never "renewed" a resolution. i'm going to try it this year though, because most things that are worth it require management and maintenance. here goes nothing.

Resolution 1):

join a gym. notice that for once it doesn't say, "lose weight." i never keep that resolution. this one is a bit more baby-step-ish, so i feel better about it. there's a gym i have in mind that i'm going to check out next week. and yes, the joining does entail actually going to the gym. i purposefully set up my class schedule so that it allows for more "me time" this semester, which includes exercising, so i think i'm headed in the right direction.

well, i'm technically still a member of the gym. and i love the gym itself. it's nice and clean and there are tons of classes to take. i never have to wait for a machine, the locker rooms are fantastic, and it's pretty close by. but if i'm totally honest, i have definitely not been sticking with this resolution. i don't think i've gone to the gym in a month (a month!). it's disgusting. my butt and thighs hate me, and my abs are officially AWOL. the really sad thing is that i think i'm going to have to cancel my membership from dream-gym. N. and i are going to be moving before june, and with the increase in rent and the decrease in budget (because the government doesn't give you financial aid for being a loafer), i can't afford what has essentially become a flab tax.

but who knows, maybe i'll find a cheaper gym that i'll like. (*looks around, skeptical and depressed*). if not, i can always just get a dog and run around the block.

Resolution 2):

write. this one excites me. it's purely meant to be writing for pleasure. not publication, not academia, just for fun. whether anyone will ever read it doesn't really matter. i need to write again.

well, according to my last post, i've failed at this resolution too. i don't write regularly, and it's mainly because of the same old reason: i claim i have no time. i mean, i've written for publication, and i'm currently writing for academia, but as we see by the resolution i wasn't about to take my own bulls**t excuses, so those don't count.

i am completely willing and ready to renew this resolution though.

Resolution 3):

get out of credit card debt. for more on this, see "confessions of a shopaholic" post.

let me just say that i've officially paid of not one, but TWO of my three credit cards! of course, the one that isn't paid off yet is the biggest (with the highest interest), but i had to start somewhere. i'm still dealing with the mental block that is me not being able to give up that credit card because it's my miles card (i've already earned a round trip to europe or south america!), but i'm trying!

again though, because of the move (which wasn't supposed to happen until the fall, but is now happening WAY ahead of schedule), my monthly payments on the card will be a bit smaller than they have been. and once we're in the process of the actual move and we have to buy stuff to furnish the new pad, i'm worried that the credit card will be back in high demand. particularly since my budget at this point is pretty frozen. without a job lined up after graduation, and with a post-bar trip to pay for, everything's really, really cramped.

but i'll renew this resolution anyway. where there's a will, right?

Resolution 4):

not make myself sick over what may happen after graduation. my problem has always been that i need a plan to the point where i make myself suffer if i don't. this is the first time in my life that a huge life change is coming up (graduation in may), and i have absolutely no idea where i'm going to be after it. currently, i have the possibility of a job i may want lined up, and the ability to apply for other jobs i probably don't want at my fingertips. it's the first time i don't know what i really want though, and normally, this would make me sick to the point where i wouldn't be able to function. but i'm working on not letting my ocd tendencies get the better of me. things will work out. things will work out. things will work out.

haha. hahahahahaha.

huh? oh, sorry, this isn't a laughing matter i guess. okay, in all seriousness, i haven't completely failed at this resolution and i'm of course going to renew it. N. and i have talked about it, and if we have to do long-distance again for a while because i can't get a job in our neck of the woods (the bay area is terrible right now for lawyers), then that's what we'll have to do. it's nice to have the support system.

i've also been told by the firm that, though they can't hire me on as a fellow this year, if i were to apply next year i've got a better-than-most shot at the position. SO, i'm applying for several other fellowships (one taking place in both hawaii and new zealand, which seems ideal and frighteningly too good to be true. fingers crossed!), and i'm not above getting some random job to pay the bills. in a perfect world, i'd either get the fellowship from God, or i'd find a great ngo to work for that would stimulate both my mind and my bank account. we'll see.

resolution renewed.

Resolution 5):

be happy. this one ties in to the last one and is probably the biggest and most important of my resolutions. while i didn't have control over a lot of what happened in 2008, i did have control over my reactions to those things, and in the end, it's those reactions that paved the way for how the year would proceed. so my only conclusions can be that i made myself unhappy this year. i made 2008 difficult for myself. and i refuse to do that in 2009. whatever else happens, i want to approach my decisions, big or small, with the goal of being happy. should i take the bar? well, would it make me happy to do so? should i apply for this job? well, would i be happy if i was offered the job and accepted? it may sound selfish, and i'll try not to be, but i just feel like this is a much better approach, and a sort of middle ground, to how i usually go about doing things. we'll see how it turned out, i guess, on december 31st, 2009.

resolution success in full swing! i can't even explain how much things have changed between last semester and this one. i don't know if it's just the fact that i can see my graduation just ahead of me shining like a lighthouse in a really bad storm, or if i've just changed. maybe it's both?

i just notice that i'm happier now than i was six months ago. i no longer have that constant feeling of discontent. not everything feels out of control. and i know that most of it has to do with the fact that my grandfather's health has improved, and if i let myself think about it i realize that it won't always stay that way, but for now i'm just excited to be excited again. i don't think i'm usually such a difficult or depressing person, and being that way 24/7 was making me feel like a stranger in my own skin.

so i'm a success story here, and i'm definitely renewing this resolution!