out with the old, in with the new

it's strange to think about where i was in my life when this decade began (both literally, because i was at an nsync concert for new years even 2000, and figuratively, for every other reason).  things are so different now.  first of all, i was still in high school, with no idea where i'd even go to college, let alone that i'd end up in law school.  the thought of living for a few months in ireland or new zealand were dreams i had but never thought i'd actually get to do.  i probably had some vague expectation that i'd be married (or at least engaged), and have children by  now.  and i pretty much thought my life would be a straight shot from here to retirement.

i was, of course, wrong.

but the decade has been a busy one.  i graduated from high school, left hawaii, moved to washington, studied abroad in ireland and new zealand, met N. and fell in love for the first time, graduated from college, traveled around asia, moved to the bay area, began and ended law school, and had a mini-quarter life crisis.

let no one say i've been lazy.

and i have a lot to show for it, obviously.  i've had a good -- albeit, sometimes very tough -- decade, which seems to mirror 2009 as well.  this was the year to end probably the second hardest (if not hardest) three years of my life.  and on the heels of that came an equally difficult life re-evaluation.  but, as i sit at home in hawaii with my family around me and so much to be grateful for, i realize that the rewards of the decade and the year have been worth it.

so i'm going to close the first decade of the twenty-first century on an up note.  i am here, i am healthy, and i am happy.  the possibilities for my life abound and the foundation i have to lean on for support is stronger than i deserve.  i have a wonderful family, beautiful friends, and hope for my future.

what the world would be like if everyone were as lucky.

so here's hoping that you find yourself in a similar state this new year's eve.  thank you all for continuing to read about me and my life, and for your comments (which mean the world to me) and your support (which has been invaluable).  if, however, you find yourself reflecting back on years that have been more trying than you often thought you could bear, i truly hope 2010 brings you much-needed change, relaxation, and whatever else you may need.


happy new year's, friends!

blogging through my debt: the beginning

i've been thinking a lot about money lately.  maybe because i've been reading Ashley's (of Writing to Reach You fame) new blog A Story of Debt, maybe because all of my student loans came due this month, or maybe it's because it's the season of giving (and by giving we actually mean buying).  any one of these reasons would be enough to get me to take a good, hard look at my spending habits, really, and it's about time too.

so i have a few confessions to make:

• as i know i mentioned in many previous posts, i have a problem with money.  in that i spend it too easily/quickly/arbitrarily/mindlessly/etc.  as N. likes to put it, i tend to "live above my means," or at least i seem to try to.  my family was definitely always one of those paycheck to paycheck households and, now that i'm older, the thought of getting my own electricity cut off, or not making rent, or not being able to pay bills still sends me into severe panic attacks.  but the point is that even though growing up we didn't have, and even though not having was perfectly fine in terms of what we needed most of the time as kids, i still wanted.  so now i spend, regardless of whether or not i have.  my vices include gifts for my loved ones, eating out several times a week, and clothes.  i have a severe, severe addiction to clothes shopping.
  
• my credit card debt (not to be confused with my educational uber debt) is astronomical.  because i want to be completely honest here, and because this will be a way to hold me accountable, i'll confess that my current debt falls somewhere in the vicinity of $13k.  roughly $11,500 of it can be found on what i'll call my miles card, and the other on my little card.  i have about a hundred dollars on a victoria's secret angel card as well.  admitting this is humiliating, to say the least.
  
• when i calculate my portion of the rent and bills, along with my phone, credit card payments and my latest personal hell's angel, the student loan payment, my monthly expenses (not including groceries) total more than half of my monthly income.  because i've been jobless for most of the past several months, i haven't paid my portion of the rent since september.
  
• even now, after having suffered another anxiety attack just this past monday because i didn't have enough for december's rent and all my bills this month, i still want to shop.  i probably want to shop because of all of this.  i've even bookmarked webpages.  it's a sickness.  this will undoubtedly be my biggest struggle.
  

aside from reading Ashley's blog and finding solace in the fact that there just may be others like me out there in the world, as well as talking to some of my closest friends (one of which is living primarily off of ramen at the moment), there are a few things i'm doing to begin to get myself (and my money) under control:

• at the suggestion of a really good friend of mine, J., N. and i have enrolled in Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University.  now, let me just say a few things about this right off the bat:  this will not be for everyone.  i'm not even sure N. likes it right now.  dave ramsey isn't saying anything new or enlightening.  i can guarantee you that you've heard it all before and just didn't/wouldn't/couldn't follow through.  he's also quite preachy, and very Christian.  i sometimes feel like i'm surrounded by the mars hill superfans (holler if you're from seattle!) when i watch his lessons, and i'm only taking them online.  finally, and probably most ironic of all, you have to pay for this course.  it's about money management, about spending less and putting less on credit cards and all that, and yet, it doesn't come cheap.  needless to say, i wouldn't have done it had it not come so highly recommended by someone i've known for years who's gone through it with her entire family.  we've nearly completed the first lesson and i've already realized that i'm not where near where i want/need to be, financially, and i can't just ignore it.
  
• as part of the course, i'm anticipating having to create a budget for myself.  i'm really excited about this.  and i think i can make it work as long as i'm realistic about my budgeting.  i tried to make one last year, but the problem was that i tried to cut myself off from all of my habits cold-turkey.  it just doesn't work.  i left myself no wiggle room for going to a nice dinner every so often, or buying something for myself once in a while.  with the kind of personality i am, under that kind of restrictions i'm likely to just say "screw it" and head on out to Target.  so this time around, i'm really looking forward to creating a workable budget for myself, that also includes AN INCOME!
• i'm getting back to my roots.  somehow, my parents managed to raise an incredible family on very little.  we had food every night, clothes every day, and little luxuries every once in a while that worked perfectly fine.  they did it, and since i'm heading home next week, i thought what better time to pick their brains and get some money saving ideas.
• i have goals this time around.  not just some abstract idea of "saving money," but actual concrete goals that i can work towards if i follow my budget.  here are some of them:  1) i want to create a $5,000 emergency fund, 2) i want to cut up all but one credit card, and 3) i want to save at least $5,000 to use to possibly go abroad for grad school.

i'm going to try and continue to chronicle my own debt struggles and, if you find yourself in a similar boat, i'd encourage you to stop by every once in a while so that you too know you're not alone, and definitely head over to A Story of Debt, where you'll find even more support and an even better read!

perfecting incompetence

adjusting to work has not been easy.  learning the ins and outs of a new organization, getting to know the different working styles of the individuals that make that organization run, and, for me, having to let myself make mistakes on a regular basis has been an almost-nightmare.

because i'm a perfectionist.  i value perfection.  my new boss values perfection.

and i am so less than perfect right now.

there are two reasons i can spot right off the bat that explain my inability to attain that level of performance i'm most satisfied with:

1. it doesn't exist.  perfectionists as a rule like to delude ourselves into believing that we can actually be perfect.  that we can always go above and beyond what was expected of us, that we will never make mistakes, and that those who do make mistakes are simply not paying enough attention or working as hard or using enough common sense.  this may or may not be absolute bullshit.  to even entertain the thought that mistakes won't happen is insane.  and honestly, why would you want to be perfect (other than for your own self-serving need to get praised when you please others)?  how do you learn if nothing you do needs changing?  how do you utilize that time-honored tradition of education through trial and error?  you don't.  and though i know all of this, though this all makes complete sense to me, i still can't help being a perfectionist.
2. nonprofits, as a rule, lack the ability to accumulate, record, and maintain any sort of institutional knowledge.  because of the low pay and the subsequent high turnover rate, there doesn't seem to be any one place or person where someone (say, a new employee perhaps?) can go to learn the ropes.  instead, she (and by "she" i mean "me") is given assignments and asked to complete them in unrealistic time frames.  when she asks someone where something is, or how to do something, or what she's supposed to do about something, she's lucky if she doesn't have to go through every person in the organization just to find out how to go about finding out the right answer.  which inevitably means that the work doesn't get done on time, or it gets done wrong.  and doing both of those things just completely messes with the way a perfectionist operates.

it's not that i don't appreciate having a job, or like the people i work with, or believe in the mission of not only my organization but nonprofits as a whole.  i just hate feeling incompetent, and that's all i've been feeling like lately.

today in particular was a hard one.  a few weeks ago, i was given a [seemingly mind-numbingly simple] assignment for a mailing to go out to certain people in our organization's network.  the problem was that the person who knew anything about anything was on vacation until after the thanksgiving holiday.  fine.  so when she came back last week, i wanted to get the assignment done as soon as possible (particularly since we were on a deadline of placing an order for things we needed for the mailing by the end of day on wednesday) because i was also in the middle of another project that had a deadline of friday and had top priority for me (had to do with donors, and for a nonprofit nothing is more important).  unfortunately, it seemed everything i did for the mailing assignment was wrong.  i presented options, and the options were continually shot down due to some requirement i didn't fully grasp the importance of before doing all the work.  finally, on wednesday (after 5:30pm), after realizing that the mailing project had caused me to fall painfully behind on the donor project, i find something that everyone can agree on and place the order.

(sidenote: the donor project ended up being okay)

fast forward to today, which is when we needed the order to come in because we have certain employees flying into town tomorrow that need the order to complete the mailing project.  i get the box with our order and realize that it's somewhat small.  i open the box.  and flip out.  the order is right (i.e. it serves our purpose)...but it's wrong (i.e. it totally doesn't look like what my boss - or anyone else - wanted it to look like).  it was exactly what i ordered, only i didn't look closely enough at what i was ordering.  in all the frustration, confusion, needing to meet deadline and satisfy all of these crazy requirements (not least of which was an extremely tight budget), i didn't take a close enough look at the specs of what i was ordering.  and we'd had it personalized, so i couldn't return it (not that it would matter, since there would be no time to return it and get a replacement anyway).

so now i feel completely incompetent (how hard is it to get a stupid order right?), and completely irresponsible (didn't i find it necessary to read all of the item details before placing the order?).  and because my boss is as much of a perfectionist as i am, i'm also worried about keeping my job.

needless to say, it's rough start and a worse day.

the ending of this chapter

since most of you have chosen to endure my endless complaints about law school, and have shown a tremendous amount of support through my days of misdirection and self-defeat, i feel it's only fair and right to let you know that the bar results are in.

i didn't pass.

and before you feel sad for me, or worry, you should know that i'm okay.  really.  i'm okay.  in fact, friday was overall a really great day for me.  my sister flew into town, i got off of work early, i went to see new moon, then went up to tahoe for the weekend.  it wasn't until about halfway between home and tahoe (at about 9:30pm) that i remembered the results were released.  i googled it on my crackberry, and lo and behold, i didn't pass.

it hasn't been, and sometimes still isn't, easy to articulate to people the reasons why not passing didn't wreck me last week.  my only explanation is that i had already dealt with it all.  personally, i think i was in a good place with whatever i was going to see when i clicked onto that pass list. 

shortly after the results went public, M., one of my closest law school friends, sent me an incredibly sweet email.  my response to her, copied below, may flesh out my reaction a bit more.

...Yes, it was incredibly difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that this path I chose was perhaps the wrong one for me, or at least it wasn't the right one, and admitting that to you all and to my family was worse.  But the only reason I could do it, and the only reason I got through it and am on my way to finding out what it is I really want to do is because I knew I'd get support.  I knew that you, B. and L. (not to mention N. and my family) would understand and support me, even when it was hard for me to understand and support myself.

Honestly, I'm actually surprised at my reaction to the Bar results.  I really did think I'd take it a lot harder than I did.  And don't get me wrong, I was disappointed.  But I was disappointed in the "I bet it would have been cool to be able to say I passed the California Bar Exam" way.  In the end though, I'd already come to terms with not passing, and with the fact that I essentially chose not to pass, hard as that was.  And, if I'm honest with myself, I think the largest part of the disappointment at not passing comes from my bruised ego; I didn't want to have you all know that I didn't pass (because maybe you'd think I wasn't as smart?).

But once I got past all of that, I realized that, for me, not passing is okay.

Because I still have the best friends ever.  Like you.  And you guys understand.

so this chapter of my life seems to be, for now at least, officially over.  i can't tell you how much i'm looking forward to the next one, whatever it may be.

new moon review!

overall? better.

i've been waiting to give my new moon movie review until i've seen the movie twice, since that's how long it took for the first one to really settle in with me.  i guess i'll just begin this review by saying first that i was really, really excited to see it on opening day.  i'd somehow managed to refrain from looking up every single iota of information and movie stills that leaked prior to the movie, and the lack of it all had me primed and ready to go.  unfortunately, as eager as i was to see the movie, with the first one being what it was i was also mentally preparing myself for a huge let down.

thankfully, for me, it didn't come.  here are my thoughts:

• the amount of beautiful boys in this movie is astounding.  that's all i have to say about that.
  
• who knew that kstew was that pretty?!  those scenes with her running through voltera?  i mean, she's really naturally beautiful, and i know i said this before, but she's completely started to embody who i picture bella to be in my mind.  my one complaint about her, or the way she portrays our heroine, however, is that she tends to blink and huff a lot throughout the film.  while i like it at times because it sort of reinforces whatever feeling she's going through, it got kinda irritating after a while.
• people who say money doesn't matter have never seen a low budget movie.  because twilight was low budget, my friends.  new moon, on the other hand, was not.  and it was either that or the change of director that made all the difference in the world.  i no longer felt that the movie rushed through the book, or that a pivotal scene was just not what it should have been.  the filming was a higher quality, the make-up and costuming was better, i could go on and on but one of the better shots had to be of the pack chasing victoria through the woods while bella was preparing to cliff dive.
  
• i like how, all of a sudden, edward's shiny silver volvo has turned into a shiny black volvo suv.
• dear jacob (and the rest of the pack): please keep your shirts off.  love, every girl in america.
• there are still some cheesy lines in there.  it wouldn't be twilight without them.  but there were fewer, or maybe they were just better camouflaged.  and unlike the first movie, there were actually really good lines in this one too.  my favorite has got to be bella's heartfelt plea with jacob to not make her choose between  him and edward because, "it'll be him.  it's always been him."
• my pet peeve of the movie: the fact that everyone kept referring to the quileute boys as werewolves.  i realize it's a small thing, but am i insane or did the books not make the distinction between wolves and werewolves?
• the chemistry between bella/kstew and jacob/taylor lautner is undeniable.  and while i'm a firmly entrenched team edward gal, i appreciated that this movie made me almost wish i was team jacob.  because that's what new moon is supposed to do, you know?  you're supposed to fall for jake and become just as conflicted as bella is.  this movie sets up eclipse quite nicely in that sense.
• once again, the music was great.  not as great as K.'s new moon playlist, but nearly there.  nearly.
• jessica is such a great portrayal of your classic frienemy.  and she's just so funny.  i missed the supporting cast in this movie a little, but since they weren't really in the book very much, that's understandable.  the scene with jessica, and the other with mike, were great though.  added just enough comic relief without making the movie stupid.
  
• i sort of liked the addition of the letters to alice.  i realize that they're a vehicle for moving the story along, and making sense of bella's voice over's, but i liked that they were letters to alice and not edward, and that it helps you to believe the closeness of bella's friendship with her.
• finally, i have to commend chris weitz on keeping so true to the book and on really making some very smart choices with both lines and direction.  there was so much less of those "wait, this wasn't in the book," or "that wasn't supposed to happen like that!" moments in new moon than there was in twilight, and i loved that about it.  i have to say i'm a little worried about eclipse, now that we've seen both a not-so-great twilight movie, and a great twilight movie.  with yet another new director, who knows how it'll turn out?  particularly since this director once said he'd rather be shot than even watch twilight (which he later apologized for and recanted, obviously.  and no, i don't care if that's understandable.).  he's just such an...edgy?...sort of filmmaker that i worry he really won't care about staying close to the books.  that being said, i'm all for giving him the benefit of the doubt.  and who knows, maybe i'll like it even if he doesn't stay close to the books...eclipse wasn't my favorite anyway.  :)
  

that's me, the glorified secretary sitting in the corner

remember a few weeks back when i went on that interview i thought went badly?  well, as it turns out, it didn't go as badly as i thought, because they called me back for a second interview.  then a third.  and then they hired me.

i am now an organization assistant (read: glorified secretary and all around office bitch) for a nonprofit that works for a very good cause.

the job started about three weeks ago, syncing up perfectly with my lack of blogging, and it has been hectic, to say the least.  my entire first week was spent prepping for a conference that was going to happen during my second week.  my second week was spent traveling to hawaii for said conference, which entailed waking up each morning at 4:30a.m. so i could work until 9:00p.m. that night.  but i can't complain since i got to spend some time with my niece and nephew.

this week, my third week on the job, was spent doing the things you usually do during your first week of work: orienting yourself to a new job, finding out where things in the office are, learning everyone else's working styles, familiarizing yourself with your newfound responsibilities, and trying desperately not to think of all the free time you used to have and how you squandered it away.

it's been tough getting back into the groove of things.  not only is the waking up before 9a.m. part a difficult and reluctant adjustment, but having to report to someone, and having to constantly be "on," hasn't been easy either.

i also realized something somewhat annoying about myself this week: i come across as very young when i feel nervous.  is this normal for everyone?  i just don't feel like i appear calm and collected when i'm attempting to be cheerful at work all the time.  and what is that, this need to be cheerful?  since when have i ever cared if people thought i was cheerful or not?  so i've been hyper conscious in the last several days about how i come across to my boss, who is definitely the most serious personality i've ever encountered.  i'm hoping that he'll just chalk up my nervous immaturity to having just started a new job.

i'm hoping to feel like i actually fit in sometime this year.

either way, i'll keep you posted.

gobble gobble

first of all, happy thanksgiving blogging buddies!  i hope you're all eating lots and lots of yummy foods and spending some quality time with you families.

i thought today of all days would be an appropriate time to reflect on all the things i'm thankful for, and all the reasons i have to celebrate this season!

• i'm extremely thankful for the health of my family this year.  this time last year was a really difficult time for me, mostly because my grandfather had been in and out of the hospital with different illnesses and just the general aging of his body.  while his health isn't what it used to be, he's currently at home with my grandmother, mother, aunt, and family friends enjoying a relaxing day of food.  so i'm thankful.
• i'm thankful for my job.  i think anyone with a job in this economy, no matter what the job may be, should be thankful for it.  i can't even begin to express how much...safer?...i feel now that i have a job.  just overall security, i guess.  i can pay rent, i can pay my credit card bills.  i could even theoretically go shopping if i wanted (though i think i'll be passing up on all the Black Friday hullabaloo this year).
• i'm thankful for the people in my life.  my family, with whom i've had some really fun conversations with lately.  N., who has shown me an incredible amount of support lately.  and my friends, who have also shown me such support, and have kept me light-hearted when things were difficult.
• i have to say that i'm thankful for my growing level of patience.  or, at least, my ability to not show my lack of patience as easily as i used to.  it has saved me a lot of grief lately.
  
• i'm thankful for tradition, and how it makes me feel close to home when home is so far away.  i think i'm a fairly traditional girl, all around, and not all of my family traditions are, well, traditional.  but i still need them, and doing them still makes me feel better, less homesick.  so while having several odd dishes around this years thanksgiving table may not seem like a big deal to some, those dishes are a very big deal to me.  and i'm thankful for them.
• i'm thankful for the fall and the coming winter.  because they are wonderful seasons, and contrary to what the thermometer may read, they make me feel very warm.  N. and i are buying our first christmas tree together this weekend, even though we'll be in hawaii for the actual day, and i am so excited to decorate it.
• and i'm thankful for my life, and all the possibilities it affords me.  i really did believe my parents when they used to tell me as a little girl that i can be and do whatever i want in life.  and they were telling the truth.  so even though i may complain sometimes about feeling stuck and being unsure of my direction, the fact that i even have the luxury of choosing a direction is reason enough to be thankful

here's hoping your day is filled with love, laughter, and food!

courage, the turkey president obama pardoned today.  he will now live the rest of his life in walt disney world.

excuses, excuses

i'm sorry i've been absent lately, but between starting a new job, traveling for said new job, planning little sister's visit this weekend, going away for little sister's visit this weekend, nanowrimo, and the upcoming thanksgiving holiday, november has totally not been a good blogging month for me.

i will be back, make no mistake.

just not tonight.

and so, my dear blogger buddies, i leave you with this:

on books, and writing, and writing books

let me be the first to say that NaNoWriMo is not easy.  it's been less than a week and i'm already behind.  and, boy let me tell you, being behind is not where you want to be.  but the beginning is always the hardest, i think.  and the words are starting to come easier.  i think the more i continue to tell myself that my sentences don't need to be perfect, and my description doesn't need to be exact, the easier it gets.  so while it's been stressful trying to catch up word-wise, it's also been fun. 

and i've also learned something interesting about myself and my writing: i need to see things.  for example, today i tried to write a description about the house that the heroine lives in.  and i'm sitting there thinking, and thinking and thinking.  and then i get my sketch pad out.  two ours later i have drawn out a blue print of the house, upstairs and downstairs.  all of a sudden, i can write it.  because i can see it.

so even if i don't make the 50,000 words -- and i will -- i think this month will be great for my writing and just...me in general.  wish me luck!

and because i've got books on the brain, i wanted to post these beautiful reprints of the penguin classics i saw while browsing around on black *eiffel.  so now, not only can you read and be intelligent, but you can do so in some serious style.  i'm pretty sure they're available at anthropologie, urban outfitters, and, of course, amazon.

my music makes my sister want to die

i grew up listening to hawaiian and local music which, while it doesn't have the same sound, has the same overall feel of country music.  they both have the same sort of family values, don't be disrespectful to women and your elders, i'll take my country over your city any day of the week, style.  so naturally, i also grew up listening to country music, thanks to my mother who was going through her CMT phase when i was going through my i-refuse-to-go-to-pre-school phase.  the first songs i remembered learning by heart include garth brooks's "friends in low places," and various songs by kapena, the ka'au crater boys, and robi kahakalau (who still has one of the prettiest voices i've ever heard).  to this day, i'm still a huge fan.

but when i went away to boarding school, my music preferences expanded to make room for teenage rebellion, angst, heartache, and ambition.  of course i went through my obligatory hip-hop schooling, during which i was introduced to the likes of 2pac, biggie, and yes, mark morrison ("return of the mack," anyone?  you know you listened to it too...).  but i found my level ground when i was in the 8th grade, and i began listening to o'ahu's alternative music stations.  there, i met my thirteen year old heart's soulmates.  bush.  live.  green day.  no doubt.  foo fighters.  everclear.  oasis. (i particularly remember falling asleep to "don't look back in anger").  blur.  i could go on and on and on...

and this genre has remained my go-to pretty steadily throughout the years, with the additions of singer-songwriter, folk, some punk along the way, classic rock, 90's rock, and what i like to call chick rock.

and then one day my older sister, A. (who's a fan of reggae, country and mainstream hip-hop), told me i couldn't choose a radio station in her car because all i listened to was, and i quote, "depressing music that makes you want to die."


...?...


i'm sorry, what?  my music makes you want to die?  i admit it, okay, i like emo, but that doesn't mean i'm the type to sit in a dark room, write poetry and cry all night long.  i just like music that makes you calm and contemplative, and yes, maybe a shade melancholy.  it's better than being obsessed with music that makes you horny and/or violent.  but ever since she told me that, i can't help but take a closer look at my music choices every time i purchase a CD, or make a pandora playlist, or put a song on repeat for the third of fourth time.  not that i think anything would be wrong with me even if i did like depressing music, but i think i just like music that makes you feel something at least.  again, other than horny or violent.

anyhow, this all came up because i'm working on creating a fall/winter playlist at the moment, and i just finished going through the first batch of songs to weedle them down.  yes, they are slow.  yes, they tend to evoke a less than uppity mood when listened too.  but just because they don't make you want to get up and dance around half naked like britney spears doesn't mean they're sad songs!  they just have a very fall-y feel to me, that's all.

none of my pink, kelly clarkson, marie digby, taylor swift or lady gaga songs fit the profile.

(click to see it larger)