No One Said It Would Be Easy (Part Deux)

Yesterday's post was about me trying to navigate through my feelings of disappointment (and anger, if I'm perfectly honest) over my own laziness and loss of motivation/inspiration when it came to this journey I'm taking toward...self-improvement, I guess?  It was about me trying to understand that -- contrary to my own instant-gratification-perfection-seeking-ideas -- it's okay if this journey takes me a little more time than I would have liked, and it's okay if I experience some set-backs.  It was about cutting myself some slack, which is probably something we all could do for ourselves a little more often, don't you think?

Anyway, so after writing this post yesterday, I set about trying to identify things in my life that would re-inspire and re-motivate me to pick myself up again after 2 weeks of desolation and get started once more.  What were some of the things I could turn to or do that would inject some much needed omph back into my life when I find myself in the middle of those days when I just don't want to participate in anything unless it includes sitting under a pile of really comfy blankets on my couch wearing my favorite sweats, eating my favorite foods and watching some probably crappy TV?  Here's what I came up with (and I would love, love, love any more ideas or suggestions!):

Talking to inspirational peeps: Yesterday was one of those interesting days where it's confirmed that things happen in their own time for very specific reasons.  I mean, there I was trying to find things in my life that inspire me and all of a sudden I have a phone date with one of my closest friends who also happens to be one of the few real-life people that never fails to be inspirational for me in some way, shape or form.  (This is noteworthy because she and I talk maybe once every few months and yesterday's call was sort of random.)  This girl is beautiful in so many ways, but the way in which she inspires and motivates me most is in her love of the outdoors and her active lifestyle.  When Nate and I visited her and her boyfriend in Denver last summer, I was continuously struck by how healthy and active and open her life was.  They walk or bike everywhere, they hike a lot, the mountains are like, right there at all times, they eat well and they have this happy, full life without having to spend thousands of dollars on it (she's admirably frugal too).  And every time I talk to her or see her, I'm reminded of how much more effort I want to put into being healthier and more active and much, much more in touch with the outdoors.  These are things I want, things I love and she's an example of making those things a priority. 

Nerding out on inspirational reads: The thing you need to realize about me is that I'm a student at heart.  I love learning and reading and thinking.  When I want to figure out how to do something, I will almost always find a book on the subject that I can devour.  So it's no surprise really that, when I want to up the ante on inspiration, I would head straight for those stacks and grab books like Tracy Kidder's Mountains Beyond Mountains.  More recently though, I've been into reading self-help/nonfiction books, blogs, old entrees in my journal, and even Twitter and Facebook (particularly the updates from former high school classmates that now make me so thankful for the choices I made -- and want to continue making -- in my life).  Some of those reads include: Stratejoy (obviously...that site is like this never-ending well of motivation, camaraderie and support), Ramit Sethi's I Will Teach You To Be Rich, Mark Bittman's Food Matters, Women's Health Magazine, Lauren Conrad Style (because not everything has to be super serious.  No judging.) and much, much more.  If you have any suggestions for some added reading (fiction too), please let me know!  I'm always looking for something new to check out! 

Trading in my melancholy music for some inspiration:  Okay, so I'm not giving up my mellow fav's wholesale, but I do think there's something to be said about music affecting a person's moods.  And call me crazy, but I don't think I'm going to feel like getting out of my cozy nest of a couch and making moves while listening to Band of Horses (though they're good for practically everything else.  I <3 you, BoH.).  So I created a "pick me up" playlist which, while it admittedly destroys any street or indie cred I might have ever hoped to possess, seriously does make me smile.  It's not as upbeat as you may think (that's reserved for my "dance party at my desk" playlist), but every song makes me feel either: A) lighthearted, B) grateful, C) motivated, or D) calm and relaxed without being dejected.  Overall, it's a pretty good mix of pop, folk, country and a tiny bit of rock and church.  I've been listening to it a lot in order to get my ass moving some things like journaling regularly, reaching out to friends and making plans, anything.  Here's a little sampling of what this playlist looks like (click on the image for a closer look):

What inspires you?

No One Said It Would Be Easy

About two months ago, when I felt myself emerging out of the funk that had been the six months before, I had all sorts of plans laid out before me.  I had goals about my health, fitness and nutrition, about writing and being more creative, about dedicating time every day to checking in with myself, about appreciating my loved ones more.  I had come up with practices and habits that would help to make me into the version of me I wanted to be.  And I was excited about it.

It's the feeling you get when you first begin any new project.  Things are shiny and new and interesting and you're curious about how it will all turn out.  You make the necessary time to dedicate to this project before all else and you make it work.  For maybe a week.  And then life happens.  And all of a sudden, there's no more time, no more excitement.  Things get back-burnered or put off altogether, and soon you're right back where you started.

And in my case, this is when you start feeling totally disappointed in yourself.  I always seem to take it harder when it's myself letting me down, mostly because I know the choices that went into whatever decision led to the letting-down and I can't ignore the fact that it was mostly just laziness (which is the saddest excuse for anything in the history of the world, by the way).

But this time I'm trying to remind myself that there's something to be said for the fact that this was never supposed to be easy, and it's definitely not supposed to happen overnight.  When you're overhauling your entire life and working to change the very reasons behind your bad habits, set-backs are expected.  When the new habits you're trying to pick up are the exact opposite of everything you're used to doing, you're not going to be comfortable with them right off the bat and you have to leave yourself some wiggle room, cut yourself some slack.  I'm trying to remind myself that this is a process, that it's a bit like trying on clothes -- I'm looking for the right fit, and not everything I pull off the rack the first time around is going to look the way I want it to.  So I just have to put it back and pick something else up (or buy it anyway and get it altered, but enough with this analogy).

So it's okay that I worked out only 2 days during the week when I meant to work out 5 days.  Especially when I rarely ever worked out before that.  And it's okay that I stopped journaling every single day, or haven't been able to cut out all that many calories from my diet.  It's okay that I haven't accomplished every single one of my goals yet.  Yet.  The important thing is to not give up, to not throw in the towel and consider it a lost cause.  Because there are no lost causes (now there's a cliche for you, and you're welcome).  So I'm going to do my best to re-inspire and re-motivate myself this week, and to try and pick up where I left off.

What re-motivates you when you find yourself lagging behind?  Music?  Are there certain songs that just completely invigorate you?  Talking it out with someone?  Having impromptu dance parties in inappropriate places?  Would love to hear any suggestions!

For Japan, with Love

Because I think we've all at some point said, "I wish there was something I could do."

Birthday Edition: My 30 Before 30

Do you have a 30 before 30 list?  Though I have a hundred-item Life List, I've been looking forward to making a shorter, more...plan-friendly and doable one and have been waiting for a sort of natural starting point.  Then, when I turned around and my 27th birthday was staring me right in the face, it seemed like -- dare I say? -- fate.  Ugh, I really hate that word.

And the 30 before 30 list was born.

For those of you who are getting a little List Fatigue at this point, I feel you.  But the past several months has been about me trying to figure out what I want out of life, and lists are a great tool to use when working through that.  However, the next stage of this little journey I'm on is going to be all about putting these goals in action.  I'll be perfectly honest, I'm a little nervous...

My 30 Before 30 List - in a semi-chronological order:
[Brackets refer to Life List items]

1. Establish a regular workout routine
2. [84.] Meditate regularly
3. Quit my current job
4. See at least 6 live music shows [seen 2, have tickets to see 3 more so far]
5. Go on a road trip along the East Coast [possibly happening in August]
6. Attend a taping of the Colbert Report
7. Complete the NaNoWriMo challenge
8. [25.] Write a novel
9. Run a 5k [training begins next week]
10. [15.] Sign up to go on a service trip abroad [in the early planning stages now]
11. [64.] Become comfortable driving on freeways and learn to parallel parking
12. [32.] Take public speaking courses (public speaking is one of my biggest fears)
13. [18.] Begin language classes (Spanish?  French?  Hawaiian?)
14. Visit an out-of-state national park
15. Attend a Stratejoy workshop/event 
16. Meet some bloggers in person
17. [61.] Run a 10k
18. [43.] Go on an archaeological dig
19. Submit a piece of fiction for publishing
20. Spend a weekend at my favorite bed and breakfast
21. Cook my way through an entire cookbook
22. Apply for grad school
23. [8.] Take a 3-month-long backpacking trip around the world
24. Take mom to Ireland
25. Run a half marathon
26. [62.] Finish paying off my credit card debt
27. Start eating only humanely/naturally raised, free-range products (and less meat in general)
28. [80.] Start a retirement fund
29. Get engaged (Possibly.  Hopefully.  This one's obviously negotiable.)
30. [81.] Start the process of moving back to Seattle (Again, hopefully.)

Letter To My Younger Self

I've been wondering lately about the things in my life I would have done differently if I had the chance.  There aren't that many since I'm a pretty  firm believer that everything happens for a reason, but there are still things I would have liked to tell myself, bits of comfort I would have liked to both offer and receive.  But since time travel is -- as far as I can tell -- impossible, here you go.  The letter I wish I could send to my younger self.

Dear 12-year old me,

Ugh.  Well, here you are, 12 years old and hating just about everything right this second, huh?  You've been dreading this year for a while now, I know.  Mostly because you've been terrified of the changes that you saw coming and the uncertainty it was introducing into your once-stable childhood.  That's why I thought this would be the right time to send this letter.  So here goes!

First, I need you to know that I love you.  And so, by default, somewhere deep down you love yourself too.  I know things seem difficult in your life right now and it's hard to see the good in yourself sometimes, but I promise you that there will come a day in the not-so-distant future where you'll be able to look at yourself honestly in the mirror and say those three magical words.  So again, I love you.  (Go ahead, close the bedroom door and yell it.  No one will here you.  I'll wait....Done?  Okay, moving on.)

Now that that's out of the way, there are a few things I wanted to tell you, things I think you should know and things that will make life so much easier and enjoyable for you over the next several years.  Please bear with me (and no rolling your eyes).

I guess I'll start by saying that you need to stop telling mom that you hate her for sending you away to boarding school.  Cut her some slack.  She did this for your own good and you're going to realize that.  So tell her the truth instead.  Tell her you love her, and tell her you're homesick and you miss her more than anything.  She'll cry, you'll cry, and soon you'll move on.  I promise you that you'll move on, so stop hurting yourself the way you are thinking that no one knows.  I know.  And it needs to stop because you have way too much to live for.  That boarding school is one of the best things that has ever happened to you, and in a few months (yes, only months) you'll hit your stride and the next six years of your life will fly by before you even know it.  And you'll regret wasting your time now on tears.

Speaking of the next six years, here's some advice: Cherish those friendships you're making, because they really are going to last you a lifetime.  Call home and talk to your sisters often, because they are and will always be little pieces of you that you'll ache for sometimes.  Also, when shit gets hard, and it will in a couple of years, don't be afraid to get help.  Fast.  Talk things out, be honest, and accept that things will be alright -- especially when you rid your life of toxic people.  Those friendships I told you to cherish?  You'll know which ones they are by the people you run to in the middle of what feels like worst year of your life so far.  And after that storm passes comes some pretty amazing times (uh, just don't let your infatuation with that one boy define your life for so long.  He's cute, yeah, but come on....he's not that cute).  And don't worry so much about your family -- they'll be fine, no matter where they are in the world.

Then your life will simply open up as you head to college.  It's wonderful, it's crazy, it's life-defining and will make you into the person you want to be.  You travel...can you imagine?  You get to see parts of the world you've only ever dreamed of.  You study wonderful, interesting things, you make even more life-long friends, you create memories that will make you smile years after they've happened.  You learn to live in your life instead of somewhere in your fantasy future -- that's so, so important.  And you fall in love.  With that loves comes a lot of new situations for you, a lot of choices you'll have to make, a lot of firsts.  I know you think you know your own mind right now, but I want you to know that, when you choose to follow your heart instead, don't be so afraid.  It may be a roundabout way of getting to where you're going, but you'll manage.

Here's a little suggestion though: when considering your next steps after college, don't be so scared of leaving academia for a while.  Because if you let that fear make this decision for you, you may regret it for years to come.  Follow your heart, follow your mind, don't be afraid to stray from The Path that you've set before you -- detours are where the real value of life is found.  So wander a little bit, and just see where you end up.  You have Big Dreams, and you should dedicate your life to following them.

So here's one last, gentle request: please be kinder to yourself.  You can't be perfect because perfection just doesn't exist.  What you can be is honest and true and good.  So brush and floss twice a day, exercise as much as you can, eat well, live green, study and keep in touch with friends and colleagues, spend quality time with your loved ones and don't let them pick up after you.  Get out of that job you hate as fast as you can, write often and laugh a lot.

Can't wait to see where we end up,

Soon-to-be-27-year-old-me

What's in a Name?

So recently I've begun seeing this "Ten on Tuesday" thing around the blogosphere (like here, and here) and, though it's actually Wednesday -- I'm late so much -- this week's Ten featured the following little questionnaire, and it seemed like a fun one so I thought, why not?  Feel free to fill one out yourself, and make sure to post your name here, where it all began.

1. How did your parents decide on your name?

So first things first, Kahea is actually not my first name.  It's my Hawaiian name -- meaning I have an English first name, a shorter English middle name, a Hawaiian name, and then my last name.  But for the sake of my blog, I'll treat Kahea as if it's the first.  My parents didn't decide to name me Kahealani, my grandmother on my Hawaiian side of the family did.  She's a pastor and perhaps that's why she gave me a name which means "the call of Heaven." 

2. Do your initials (First, Middle, Last) spell out anything fun/funny?
Nope.  They're AMKP.  Totally uninteresting.

3. Did you take your middle name from childhood or did you take your maiden name as your middle name? (If unmarried, what do you plan to do?)
I don't think I'm going to give up my last name when I get married.  I sort of like the way it all flows together, and keeping my last name is pretty important to me, especially since my dad has been blessed with all female children.  Plus, Nate's last name all by itself really, really doesn't match either my name or face.  Hint?  He's half Chinese.  I'll probably hyphenate.

4. Are you or will you name your children thematically (ie. same first letter, all of same origin…)
I don't really have a preference.  My sisters and I all have the same letter to start our first names and its been fun listening to our parents when they're trying to call one of us -- so much mixing up.  It's come to the point where my dad has us numbered.  My kids will all have Hawaiian names, and probably a Chinese names too (though that won't go on their birth certificate).  I like the flow of having an English name, a shorter English middle name, a Hawaiian name, and then their last name (which will probably be Nate's last name).

5. Did you decide on baby names as a little girl? Did you stick to them or change your mind?
Oh, I've definitely changed my mind over the years.  I used to like Abcde a lot for a girl, and Elena after I read "The Vampire Diaries" when I was 12, and Josh.  But now I have a running list that I add to as time goes on, and that Nate and I confer over once in a while.

6. Does your family have any names that have been passed down through generations?
My English middle name is Mae, and that's my grandmother's middle name as well.  My cousin's Hawaiian name is also Kahea, and my younger sister and Aunt share a middle name as well.  I think my dad's middle name was passed on too.  I'm not really stuck on passing down a name, though I like the idea of passing Mae on in honor of my grandmother. 

7. Do you look at the meaning of the name or just the name itself?
When it comes to English names, the meaning is interesting, but it definitely wouldn't bar me from naming my child something.  Unless it was like, a blatant meaning.  For example, my older sister wanted to name her daughter Brazen for a split second, and the only thing I could think was that I'd end up calling the poor child a brazen hussy at some point or another.  Thankfully, my sister chose (read: stole from my name list) another, much prettier, name.  But when it comes to Hawaiian names, meanings are just so important culturally.  You really need to be careful when naming the child after someone, and you want the name to imbue qualities into the child that you hope they have in life.

8. Do you name pets with human names (Sally, Henry) or with pet names (Fluffy, Mr. Bo Bo)?
Meh, depends on how I'm feeling.  We named our current dog Finnegan because he's an Irish sheep dog.  My family also has cats named Mija (Spanish for sweetheart) and Isabella, and dogs that have a variety of Hawaiian names.  And some names I like for animals also include Story, Indie, Miso, Maggie and Kaya.

9. Are there any names that you have an affinity or dislike for based on a childhood experience/someone you once knew?
Ugh, yes.  But Nate seems to know more people (or dislike more people) than I do because it's been a challenge for us to find names that don't remind him of someone.

10. What are some of your favorite names? Why?
None of the following English names really have special meaning to me, I just think they're beautiful names and they don't have terrible nicknames that I can think of. 

• Emmaline
• Quinn
• Ethan
• Noelle
• Noah
• Lena
• Margaux
• Brenna

And some of the Hawaiian names I like include:

• Malanamekahulu'ohemanu: light as the feather of a bird (referring to a light spirit)
• Kuna'e: to stand firm against opposition
• Nohea: handsome, lovely, beautiful
• Imaika: (I'm still unsure about the meaning of this one)
• Nainoa: free spirited
  

Break My Heart for What Breaks Yours

My worldview in the past several months has admittedly been a little more narrow than normal.  I've been so concerned about my own health and peace of mind that the concerns of others -- even those I love -- have necessarily taken a backseat.  I know I tended to think of it like hoarding my resources.  I've often said that I already felt stretched so thin and so unsure that I could pull myself through a particular situation that there really was just no room for me to worry about others.  I had this fear that if I did, I would simply break apart and scatter.

I'm embarrassed by that now, because we're often told that it's that very sort of mentality that plagues humanity overall...a selfishness and self-centeredness that we can't seem to escape.  And there it is, right in front of me, parading as reason when all it is is an excuse.

But no matter what I've said, I've haven't truly been able to get away from the worry and love and concern and feeling.  I've tried.  Believe me, I've tried, because feelings for me -- the sadness or hurt or fear or worry -- are often debilitating.  But when it's family or friends or the world we live in at large, it's actually much harder not to care than it is to care, isn't it?  The money troubles of our parents or siblings, the political and societal unrest in our country and others, the broken hearts of our best friends.  Hell, the the fact that we don't think we care enough.  All these little worries.  And that's not even touching upon all that's worth celebrating.

So it's often a little confusing when I come across people whose moods are overall just...lukewarm.  I've always been a pretty expressive person, passionate about things big and small (and meaningful and stupid), given to quick opinions that I later have to retract.  I try to show my interest in the interests of others by being excitable and humorous.  I quickly throw myself wholeheartedly into either a sympathetic or devil's advocate position and have no qualms about switching sides if necessary after testing the waters.  I find that life is so much more fun and worthwhile when those around me know that their feelings touch mine.

I don't always succeed in living this way, but I try to.

I'm sorry, I know this post is a little convoluted.  But I guess that's sort where my mind is right now...fuzzy and a little unsure of why the world works they way it does, why people can show an interest in human rights causes thousands of miles away but not in the interests of those they interact with daily.  Why has "Whatever," and "I don't care," become such standard answers to almost every question? How does that serve anyone, yourself included?

So I guess it just comes down to me realizing that I'd much rather be freaking out over how the hell I'm supposed to care about the thoughts and feelings of every single person on earth and still keep myself from going out of my mind, than to protect myself so completely that I become numb to all of the little things in life.  I'd much rather people think and know that I care  and that I'm interested than the other way around.

I want to live my life by actually being an active participant in it.  Wouldn't you?

A Wishlist

I've gone quite a while -- relatively speaking -- without shopping, and this has been a huge accomplishment for me.  Shopping, as you know by now, has always been my go-to activity whether I've been stressed or bored or excited or upset.  The purchase of a new item made me feel better, it made me feel like I'd accomplished something.  But after the budget overhaul I've been talking about, and after some massive self-reflection, I realized how sad that was.  Why did I need to buy something to feel good about myself?  Why did I need to control that just because I felt out of control elsewhere?  Weren't there other, more productive and constructive (and inexpensive) things I could do to get those same results?

Well, the answer is yes.  And I've started doing more of that, and less of the spending.

But that doesn't stop the occasional want for something.  So, because I'm not perfect and I'm not a robot, and because I still like to buy things now and then (with money already allocated for that purpose), here is my current, somewhat strange, wishlist:

I am obsessed with Laurie R. King's "Russell/Holmes" books right now.  I can't stop reading them, they are so good.  So next month I want to spend some of my allocated money on buying the next 6 books in the growing series.  If you haven't checked them out yet, you should put it on your book list!

So I used to have an industrial piercing like this, and for some stupid reason I thought that it would be best if I took it out at the start of law school.  (Note to those who may be in this boat: it's unnecessary).  And ever since taking it out, I've wanted it back.  I don't know why, I just do.  So I may spend some of my March money on a piercing.

Since I've finished Stratejoy's Joy Equation and it now has a snazzy self-created cover, I'd like to get it bound and printed.  I think it's important to keep this with me as I go through the next couple of years of my life, so having it held together by more than a pretty pink paper clip sounds like a pretty good idea.  But I just never realized how expensive Kinko's can be!  It'll happen though.

This one's weird, isn't it?  I have dye on my wishlist?  So this goes back to the fact that I haven't been shopping in a while, and I've really been wanting some black skinny jeans.  However, after rifling through my closet and stacks of denim, I realized that I own a pair of unused gray skinnies.  So I plan on picking up some black Rit dye and turning those suckers into some nice, dark jeans.

Nate and my birthday is coming up (same day, remember?) and, since all our camera's were stolen when our apartment was broken into, this is the only thing on that specific wishlist.  I'm pretty sure his mom is getting it for us.  This camera seems to cover all our bases, since it offers the lens flexibility of a DSLR, but the lightweight and compact convenience of a point-and-shoot.

This is not on our bday wishlist, and I don't expect to get it anytime soon (or possibly ever), but I just think they're so cute and convenient.  I played with a friends Flip a while ago and didn't want to give it back.

 Maybe it's because it's been raining cats and dogs lately, but I really want a pair of Hunter's black wellies.  I had a crappy pair of wellies a few years ago that, even though they sucked, I was regretting getting rid of when I was soaked through my jeans and socks in the rain the other day, so I think maybe I'll save for these.  Because they're kind of nice looking, I'm thinking they could possibly double as just a pair of black boots.

Every single time I step foot into Sephora, this is the first thing I head towards.  I have never loved a scent as much as I do Philosophy's "field of flowers."  It's so fresh and simple and bright.  Love, love, love.

Blogging Through My Debt: The Regret

There are a lot of things that have made digging myself out of the debt hole difficult: my new strict budget, the embarrassment, the lack of accountability, the complete lifestyle change this has necessitated (i.e. no more retail therapy or boredom shopping, learning to live within my means).  But as the second month of that new budget moves along and I start getting the hang of not shopping and spending only to pay bills, I'm faced with a new, even more difficult self-inflicted obstacle: my own regret.

Let me put it this way: I funnel almost $700 a month toward paying off my credit card debt (I know it may not seem like much, but when you're working at a nonprofit and getting paid like it, that amounts to a lot).  Imagine the things that could be done with that money if it were actually my money to save or spend as I saw fit.  There's a lot that I want to do -- just take a look at my Life List -- and putting every spare dollar I make toward my debt can be almost discouraging at times.  Especially when that debt is so huge that even with those payments each month, it just doesn't seem to shrink.  

It can start to feel hopeless.  And really stressful.  And that can make the whole process seem like a waste of time.

However, I'm also trying to remind myself that, without having gone through this financial overhaul, I would probably be spending all that debt-funneled money as soon as it was direct deposited into my bank account.  Because if nothing else, and regardless of the embarrassment and stress I feel at having stupidly accumulated all of that debt and now having to pay it all off, this has taught me to be much more responsible with my money.  I now have plans for when I'm debt free (if that time should ever ever come), and those plans are responsible ones like saving for trips instead of just putting those costs on credit, starting a retirement fund, increasing my emergency fund, and saving for a house (that's a big one isn't it?  Yeah, that may not happen for years to come).

So while, as you'll see in my next Blogging Through My Debt post, I won't be free of my credit card debt for a couple of years unless I find a new and better paying job sometime soon, I'm trying to find silver linings in this journey.  After all, I'm learning things as I go along and that's more than I could say if I had never made the attempt.  And once this is all over, I'll have accomplished something that at times still feels impossible.

30 Days of Reconnection

Do you remember how, a few posts back, I mentioned that I was taking Stratejoy's Joy Equation e-course?  I just completed it and wanted to briefly share my experience with you all on the off (or maybe not so off) chance that someone out there is currently going through a kind of quarter life or identity crisis like I did.  After all, if there's anything I've learned from Stratejoy it's that community can mean a world of difference.

Though I highly suggest going to the Stratejoy (pronounced like strategies for joy) website and checking out what it's about for yourselves, in summary it is an amazingly supportive collection of mostly women (many bloggers included), a majority of whom have been or are going through their own QLC.  Stratejoy -- and it's brilliant and inspiring founder Molly Mahar -- offers a bunch of different resources including small business coaching, group coaching, much much more, and...the Joy Equation e-course.

So the reason I literally jumped at the chance to take the Joy Equation was because my life, to put it mildly, had been a complete mess over the last 6 months...or possibly 3 years.  Somewhere during that time, I lost sight of who I was and the things I wanted, the dreams I had and any sort of real, long-term goals for my life.  I was neglecting everything that's good and healthy and worthwhile (like Nate and our relationship and my overall well-being), feeling stuck and useless and helpless and hopeless.  Throw in some severe depression, some therapy, and some self-given ultimatums and I was ready to kill for something -- anything -- to help me figure myself out.

And then, through a series of blogs I stumbled upon, I started hearing about this company called Stratejoy.  

Now, I will admit that when I began the Joy Equation I was also beginning to implement new and healthier changes in my life on several other levels (i.e. therapy, as I said, healthier eating habits and a financial overhaul among them), but I'm not sure any or all of them would have been successful had I not done the things the Joy Equation asked me to do.  I'll be the first to say it's intense -- 30 days of self-reflective journaling?  90 min sessions each week spent trying to really get at who you are and what you want?  There were definitely some uncomfortable moments and some days when I called my mom and was like, "What do you really think of me???" in between sobs.  But sticking with it was worth it.

So I journaled (and became addicted to it once again) and I spent 2 hours each week on the weekly audio sessions, and I read the Stratejoy blog from beginning to end and started joining in on that community of awesome women, and I talked about the Joy Equation and the things I was re-learning about myself nonstop to Nate and my friends and my dog.  And I started feeling better.  I started realizing that the things I thought I wanted I maybe didn't, and the things I thought I couldn't have I totally can.  I realized that my dreams are not mutually exclusive of my reality and that having plans is good, but having flexibility within those plans make them even better.  I learned that there are certain things I can't live without (like joy and travel and purpose and passion and faith and family) and there were definitely areas of my life that didn't honor those necessities.  I'm seeing myself again -- it's a little like meeting an old friend and feeling that, even though you haven't spoken in a while, the closeness and support is still there.

And the really great part is that all of this information was already in my head or heart or wherever.  I just needed some help finding it.

But things aren't perfect and never will be (now that was a hard lesson to learn).  There's still a lot I have to work on when it comes to myself, and a lot of work to do to get to the places I want to be.  So I don't mean to make this sound like some magic button that you push and all of a sudden all of your problems are solved, because it's not.  Instead, for me, it was more like a guide, a friend to support me as I got down and dirty.  I will probably be writing quite a bit more about the things I got out of my 30 days, including some awesome goals I've got to work towards and some habits I'm trying to get into.  But for now I think this is as good a starting place as any.